tomcatf14g Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Last month just before my anniversary I discovered my wife has been having an affair. After trying to talk to her aboit it she moved me out of the house and moved this guy in. On our anniversary no less. She says she loves him and wants to marry him. Says he is so amazing and she has a connection with him shes never felt before. They have been seeing eachother now for 3 months and he has lived in our home for the last month. I've found out my wife has had several affairs in the last year. She says she wants a divorce and doesn't want to even try. I truly love my wife and i want her and my kids back. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to win her back. In the last week I was able.to be intimate with my wife once but 10 mins into it she started crying and said she doesnt want to hurt people.or me anymore. The next morning she said it just reaffirmed her feelings for him. Her words.say one thing her actions another. The other night I called to tlk to my kids and over heard my son say I'm not his daddy this other guy is. It broke my heart. I tried to tell my wife to end this let me come and work this out but she said we are.getting a divorce and there is nothing I can do to stop her. I've made mistakes in my marriage and I haven't always been the best father and husband. But I've always been willing and able to change and I'm not afraid to face myself. I love my wife so much and I would do anything in the world to get her back. I'm so lost and I can't stop crying. I wish this guy would leave and go back to his wife and then me and my wife might have a chance to save our marriage. I don't know what to do. I just keep praying to god for guidance. To warm her heart and restore our marriage. But everyday I feel her slipping away and I don't know how to bring her back to me. I don't want to lose her or my children. I worked hard to get us where we are and now I have nothing. I can do just fine without her but its her that I chose to share my life with. How can I get her to see the mistake she is making and how can I get her to want to try again. I know we can survive this if I can just get her to try. Please help me. I'm in so kch pain and this hurts so bad. I just want my wife back. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Tomcat, just a quick reply and a question. Your post was a bit hard to follow in places. Are we to understand that your wife's affair partner is also married? Heres the cold hard fact TC, a poster much wiser then I here used to say this about marriage "It takes two to make it, but just one to break it" (miss ya Gunny) Thats about as true as you can get. If a marriage is going to survive infidelity, its going to take you both. There is no way to "win" her back, just doesn't work that way, she has to have her heart in it as well and right now...it aint! Allow me to introduce you to your new best friend, NC as in NO CONTACT! Be the best daddy you can be for your kids, but as far as shes concerned your a ghost. Shes so deep in the affair fog that no light is going to penetrate. Your best play right now is to go dark, take care of yourself and wait for the cracks to form in her fantasy, until then you just don't have many plays. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I just keep praying to god for guidance. To warm her heart and restore our marriage. Infidelity is God's green light to end a marriage. Pray to God for strength to cut the ties. Seek IC immediately for your poor self-esteem issues. Get a lawyer, file for D, work out custody arrangements. Help you get back your W when she has already moved the married OM into your home and they are playing happy families with your children? No way! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tomcatf14g Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Let me just say first that I my self will be ok. I have a strong enough will to make it thru this. I also know that my wifes affair is a green light to move on. And yes this other guy is married and from what I understand is still seeing his wife despite moving in with mine. I'm having emotional UPS and downs because of this but everyone around me is amazed at how well I've been handiling it. But I believe in marriage and i believe in us. I know she still loves me. Every now and then it comes back out. She is in a fantasy land right now and can't see that. But I'm not ready to back out of my marriage. I love my wife despite what she has done. I'm willing to work this out. And statisticly speaking these things never last anyways. Especially since both are married. And he already has some doubts. But I've been with my wife for ten yrs and I've fallen more in love with her in recent yrs then I have ever been. But to me she is worth it. My marriage is worth it. I know I can't force her to come back. I'm looking for away to subtly remind her of the love we shared. To in some small way get her to atleast start to question what she's done. I'm prepared to hold out for the long haul. I'm prepared to stick this out until she divorces me. But I love her and I will stay by her side till the very end. I won't give up on my marriage because things are at there worst. Because things have gotten so bad they seem hopeless. There is still something there. She shows it every now and again but then quickly covers it up. We had sex the other night and it was her who asked for it. She said it was to give me closure. But then the next day she wouldn't leave me alone even though I was trying to pull away and possibly start seeing someone else. So I'm confused but I'm also determined to stick this out. I love her and I just can't let go yet. Not until I know for certain there is no chance. But maybe some time apart from her is a good idea. I'm going on a trip to my mothers for a few weeks. I plan to spend the time alone and thinking about it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) Your wife TOLD you that she has been dating around and seeing several men before wanting to marry this guy. You have been neglecting her because you never noticed until now. You ignored alot of red flags for her to be this active behind your back. Once a woman loses her attraction for you, which apparently was years ago in your case, it doesnt come back. Especially when she throws it in your face. You gave up your last chance at keeping her respect when you let this guy move in the house. Now she sees you as a wuss who lets her do this. Theres nothing you can do now, you let it get too far. You have to notice whats going on before the FIRST affair. You can save the house when she is about to light the first match. You cant save the house after it has already burned to the ground and is smoldering. You waited too long to do anything! She is long gone, you have to learn from this, and if you ever date again, dont neglect her like you did this one. Edited March 21, 2011 by Eddie Edirol Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Let me just say first that I my self will be ok. I have a strong enough will to make it thru this. I also know that my wifes affair is a green light to move on. And yes this other guy is married and from what I understand is still seeing his wife despite moving in with mine. I'm having emotional UPS and downs because of this but everyone around me is amazed at how well I've been handiling it. But I believe in marriage and i believe in us. I know she still loves me. Every now and then it comes back out. She is in a fantasy land right now and can't see that. But I'm not ready to back out of my marriage. I love my wife despite what she has done. I'm willing to work this out. And statisticly speaking these things never last anyways. Especially since both are married. And he already has some doubts. But I've been with my wife for ten yrs and I've fallen more in love with her in recent yrs then I have ever been. But to me she is worth it. My marriage is worth it. I know I can't force her to come back. I'm looking for away to subtly remind her of the love we shared. To in some small way get her to atleast start to question what she's done. I'm prepared to hold out for the long haul. I'm prepared to stick this out until she divorces me. But I love her and I will stay by her side till the very end. I won't give up on my marriage because things are at there worst. Because things have gotten so bad they seem hopeless. There is still something there. She shows it every now and again but then quickly covers it up. We had sex the other night and it was her who asked for it. She said it was to give me closure. But then the next day she wouldn't leave me alone even though I was trying to pull away and possibly start seeing someone else. So I'm confused but I'm also determined to stick this out. I love her and I just can't let go yet. Not until I know for certain there is no chance. But maybe some time apart from her is a good idea. I'm going on a trip to my mothers for a few weeks. I plan to spend the time alone and thinking about it all. Contact divorcebusters, they really helped me keep things somewhat afloat while i have been waiting for my husband to wake up. You may need to do some counter-intuitive things. Your wife is really allover the place right now! There is no way that she can stabilize a relationship! You are right, in the long haul there is a good chance that her R to OM may fail, you want to be in the best position possible for that and if she still sleeps with you and doesn't want you seeing anyone else (which is bitchy but whatever) then it sounds like you have something to work with no matter how weird or messed up it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tomcatf14g Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Ok in the past I wasn't always there and yes i was neglecting her at one time. we even split up because of it.when we got back together last year I was much better than i had ever been. I was active in our family and I gave her anything she asked for. I was loving and affectionate. Maybe not as romantic as I could have been that I admit. But Isaac not neglecting her. Now the nature of my job keeps me away from home for days at a time and that I do know puts strain on any relationship. I'm changing jobs now so I can be around more. I did leave the home cause i coukdnt handle them living together under my roof. I know that was a mistake. But if she is truly done with me why is it Everytime I pull away from her she tries to pull me back in. Albeit at a distance. And why does she write on her blog am I really ready to let it all go. Or why did she make love to me last week. She is just as confused as me she just won't admit it. When we talk about us she says she done and wants a divorce but then she sends me all these pics and keeps trying to talk to me when I pull away from her. I've made it very clear to her that I'm not happy about what she is doing and i don't approve. When she tries to throw this guy in my face I tell her I won't stand for that. I met someone else and all of a sudden she was claiming to be my wife again and did everything she could to push the other girl out. I was ready to move on then she pulled me back in. So what the heck am I supposed to think. I leave her alone and she tries to keep me around. I try to work it out and she pushes me away. It's a mind job ill tell u that. But we do spend a lot of time together when I'm home and go out and do things. But then she pushes me away later. Plus her and this guy are already starting to argue. So what am I supposed to do. I want to repair my marriage. And though she won't admit it I can see in a small way she does to. This whole mess sucks but I have to believe in time it will work out. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Dude file for divorce, go back into your home, kick OM and her out of your home and take care of your kids. Stop being in denial about her and focus. She's not confused in any way. She did this because she doesn't care about herself or you and the family. Gotta wake up buddy. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Heres why she pulls you back in. When you tell her you met someone, she sees that you dont need her, and it drives her nuts. Her ego wants you to still pine for her while she does whatever she wants. You look attractive to her again when she knows you can easily date other women. If you want her to keep wanting you, you need to keep that up. This is happening because she thinks she has to earn you and you become a challenge. So be a challenge to her and show her you dont need her. its like youre a new man again. I dont know how long that will last since she can so easily lose attraction to you when you show her any attention. make her earn you again, be a challenge, show her you dont need her, keep it up. Dress better, put on cologne, go out with friends, make it look like youre moving on. keep her guessing, this will excite her - make her earn your attention! because right now she doesnt deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
FirstJohn318 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 If you are really serious about it. I suggest you (and your wife if possible) to read a book called The Five love Languages. It can really help marriages. Its not even that long like 200 pages I read it in a day. (and I feel like it could help any relationship, not only marriages). Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 she moved me out of the house and moved this guy in.. Ok, nothing in this world is guaranteed but the one way NOT to get your wife back (should you even want her) is to move out of your house. A woman's love is based on respect, and she's lost it for you. Remember actions speak louder than words. Her actions ie kicking you out and moving OM in is like stabbing you and twisting the knife. You need to go back home, to your house, man the f*ck up. No drama, just "wife i've decided to move back to my home", start packing her stuff in boxes and move HER out. You are being weak, I know this hurts man, but you need to MAN UP. Stop enabling your wife finacially or in any other way aside from child support. You need to do this, be strong!! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Call Divorcebusting to get your ass grounded and then get yourself feeling better. You are right, she is confused and she is acting totally nutty. You are going to have to draw some lines if you want her back. If she thinks she's got nothing to lose, she will push every button, grind every nerve and walk all over you until she tires of you. Mr. Doormat ain't going to get your wife back. And OM should pick a window for you to help him leave from. Call them and talk to someone tomorrow. They are pretty great at helping get things sorted out. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Dude file for divorce, go back into your home, kick OM and her out of your home and take care of your kids. Stop being in denial about her and focus. She's not confused in any way. She did this because she doesn't care about herself or you and the family. Gotta wake up buddy. +1 to this. In fact +100. Time to man up, dude. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I tend to agree that she is maritally retarded and more trouble then it would be worth, but dissolving a marriage is a decision they generally have to make themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) TomCat - My condolences, your first couple of posts are very similar to how my marriage ended close to 2 years ago now. My ex and I tried to recon a few weeks after our second split, and then he abruptly moved into another woman's house. Granted, she had to move her husband out for him to move in. Just a few months before all of this happened, this woman was chasing down her first ex-husband who was engaged to my (now) ex sister-in-law. According to what they will have everyone believe, she and her husband had been living apart under the same roof for 9 months and their marriage was over. They still maintain to this day that they were not having a physical affair until after he moved in with her. Where you are at this moment in the stage, it will be hard to believe anything she says at this point. As they have their in's and out's of trying to establish a relationship in the midst of their guilt and push/pull from you as well as his wife, they will either cling tighter to each other or run back and forth between spouses.....when someone hits an affair fog, it's like a drug and there is very little to be reasoned until they come down from it.....and even then, you may find that you don't even want her back. Right now, the best thing you can do is work on you and work through your feelings about what has happened. Be there for your children, stop engaging or entertaining sex with her, limit your contact with her unless it is about the children or unless she wants to work on the marriage...meaning moving him out and concentrating on her family. You can't force that, it's something she has to want to do. Talk to a lawyer about what your rights are. Forgiving infidelity is hard, it was something that I couldn't do and a bridge my ex-husband knew he burnt. Good luck and keep posting here, there are many with good advice to help get you through. Edited March 21, 2011 by trippi1432 editing Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Time to man up, dude. With all due respect, I hate the phrase "man up". By speaking it, you're inferring that the person being spoken to has no balls. And that you somehow have balls and bequeath some sort of macho directive that will empower him with a two-word phrase. bah humbug to that phrase. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Marriages can be recovered after an affair. It happens all the time, but under quite specific sets of circumstances usually. It must begin with BOTH parties being willing to commit to the marriage. In addition it must be discovered why the affair happened in the first place. Of course this is the Coles Notes version and there are a million other factors at play. However, in your case that does not seem to be what is going on. She has admitted to several affairs in the past as well? Firstly WTF is with you leaving your house? Umm HELL NO. Get you a$$ back in that house and throw HER to the curb. Fight for your child and BBQ her. Just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Tanner2000 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 You really need to ask yourself and her why she cheated in the first place. If the sex wasn't good enough, then you need to check out ways to spice that up and make it more exciting for the both of you. I may be wrong, but I don't think most women jump into other men's beds that often just for emotional security, they want exciting sex. Dude, how many men were inside your wife in the last few years. First, you need to get a blood test for aids and other diseases. If she cheated that many times on you before, it'll happen again. If that doesn't bother you, then for god's sake don't give her a booty call. That just tells her she still has power over you. Don't give her that power. Time for you to take the power back and like the one poster said NO CONTACT. You need to figure out why your son would say he see's the other guy as his father now and not you. You need to spend quality time with your kids. Whether it's playing catch, going to the zoo, riding bike or just playing a video game with him, do it. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Question. Why do you want her back? She has cheated on you, disrespected you and destroyed your family. I would say it is time to see and attorney, fight for you kids,and move on in your search to find a new life partner. I was once was in similar shoes, in that i caught my XW in the arms of another man. Luckily, we did not have kids so I moved on immediately. My thoughts, were that she had broken her vows, and in so doing I no longer needed to keep the ones I gave to her. With no kids, no property, I did not need a piece of paper telling me that I was free to date. Within a month I had seduced an associate OM's wife, and when my XW figured it out, there was a total shift in our relationship. She went bonkers when she found out that I had shared my bed with another and did an immediate turn around, and wanted to reconcile, her first act was to publicly humilate the OM who just happened to be next door. Amongst the "I'm sorry's, I made a mistakes, Please take me back's, and we can try again's", she repeated man, "YOU BELONG TO ME's" From what I have heard this is a common occurance when a Wayward wife finds out that another woman has an interest in her man Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 With all due respect, I hate the phrase "man up". By speaking it, you're inferring that the person being spoken to has no balls. Yes. Figuratively of course, not literally! And that you somehow have balls and bequeath some sort of macho directive that will empower him with a two-word phrase. Yes that is the plan. It certainly worked for me when I was on the receiving end. Link to post Share on other sites
yessy21 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Heres why she pulls you back in. When you tell her you met someone, she sees that you dont need her, and it drives her nuts. Her ego wants you to still pine for her while she does whatever she wants. You look attractive to her again when she knows you can easily date other women. If you want her to keep wanting you, you need to keep that up. This is happening because she thinks she has to earn you and you become a challenge. So be a challenge to her and show her you dont need her. its like youre a new man again. I dont know how long that will last since she can so easily lose attraction to you when you show her any attention. make her earn you again, be a challenge, show her you dont need her, keep it up. Dress better, put on cologne, go out with friends, make it look like youre moving on. keep her guessing, this will excite her - make her earn your attention! because right now she doesnt deserve it. right ^ but that will only last a little while. she just wants an ego boost. and thats wat u give her. forget her. divorce her... she doesnt really care about u and the kids. if she did she wouldnt have disrespected them and u like that... and defenitley not ur home. get ur kids and kick her out! u worked hard for that not her! and by the way ... if u keep being so nice to her she will keep walking all over u like she has done so far... she enjoys making u miserable... is that what u really want? wake up and smell the coffee! Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Time to move on and find someone new. I was already a good cook when I married the XW. with the break up I decided to improve my cooking skills, and learn how to cook some gourmet meals, in hopes of attacting the next Mr.s Gallon Oh man did it pay off. I also learned how to cook some more complicated meals such as pot pies, and chicken and dumplings. Nothing really fancy, but it did not take long, before I began to see results. First off I should describe myself at that time, I was in my mid 30's, I am not tall dark and handsome, more like short, skinny and plain, looking. Which has always been OK with me as I had to learn my seduction skills to attract the fair maidens. Shortly after our break up, I moved into a large singles only apartment complex and went back to having fun. Much to the XW displeasure, it did not take long before the XW began to hear of my exploits, and it drove her nuts that I had advanced beyond Hamburger Helper. I was rather down when the first Christmas rolled around, in order to lift my spirits I took my new cooking skills and baked a large batch of cut out cookies, then spent a lot to time decorating them. When I shared them with my neighbors I was totally caught off guard when the offers came in to help me bake the next batch. They even brought over new cookie cutters for me, and was even more suprised when the hottest, most unobtainable, out of my league neighbor, asked if we could get together and bake a batch. She also brought the wine, which bring up another thing you should learn to cook is quiche. They really appreciate the effort when you make them breakfast the next morning. I later figured out, that part of the cookie attraction is that they were able to reconnect with their inner child, and at the same time, were able to see the little boy in me. Holiday cookies immediately became tradition. Fast forward, years later, I finally found someone I wanted to share the rest of my life with and I am falling in love. Big problem, she is again out of my league, and even though we are dating, she definitely never wants to get too deeply involved with a man again. A big distrust from her former abusive husband. With the cookies baking she began to develop her trust in me and us. One of the big turn arounds was when the holidays came and we baked the Christmas cookies. That was 15 Christmas's ago, and now we also bake them for any Easter, Halloween, 4th of July, Valentines Day and Thanksgiving. She bought us this large container to keep our cookie cutters in. As for the XW, she finally divorced after pursuing me for the next 3 to 4 years. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Yes that is the plan. It certainly worked for me when I was on the receiving end. Well, your heart is definitely in the right place, man. So I can't begrudge you that. have a good one, PegNP. Link to post Share on other sites
Jeff1962 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Well, I guess call me stupid but I require trust and fidelity and friendship in order to have a healthy relationship. Your home and family are supposed to be your sanctuary against *******s of everyday life. None of this is happening for you with your estranged wife. I'd say that it's hire a good laywer time and make sure that your kids are safe and mentally sound with the situation. It's your call dude. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 It seems your WW is already gone. Reality check here: As long as the OM is in the picture, NOTHING you do will win her back. I think you need to start planning your life without her. 1st priority is to contact an attorney and protect yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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