How to handle the shifts in her attitude

[thediz261]

I am so confused and need help from those who have been here before:

My wife and I were together for 6 months, but we moved to a new city for my job right after the marriage and it caused tension. I had several explosive outbursts, (screaming, throwing stuff) which I had NEVER acted like before.

 

One day I finally told her to get out and move home, that I wanted a divorce. She left and the first week we had open and pleasant communication. She had to come back the next weekend because her job and asked if she could stay with me that weekend. I allowed and we got along great. She helped fix up the house (she had taken everything previously), went and bought silverware for me and several times we both said a separation good and we hoped that we could get back together in a couple of months. I told her when she left that I know I did a lot of things wrong, but we both had problems and we could only fix this if she realized her faults too.

 

She things I am just passing the blame to her now and don't want to take responsibility for my actions, so I did acknowledge what I did wrong but I feel like it fell on deaf ears.

 

Then she got back home (two states away) and was around all her friends and there was a shift. She said she was angry because she no longer had a job, had to move back in with her parents, and all she could do was think about how I yelled at her and the cruel things I said.

 

I asked if we were still just separated or if we were divorcing. She said she didn't want to talk about it, but I pushed and pushed and finally she said "If you want my answer now, I am going to see a lawyer and file for divorce". This was almost two weeks ago.

 

So this went from me wanting a divorce, to us agreeing to just separate after she was kind and willing to work, to her wanting a divorce.

 

I was relieved she was gone at first because it was rotten here, but then after I saw her that next weekend, she was so kind and we both remembered what it was like. We actually made love two times that night, first time in over a month when we were together. Now, I am confused, depressed, and anxious. I realize I don't want a divorce and that I truly want to work on this.

 

I told her I wanted to fix it and she doesn't want to talk about our relationship because she is mad and needs to take care of herself. But she hasn't filed for divorce yet. I hate the uncertainty of the situation, I hate she doesn't answer my calls. I texted her yesterday and said I realize my anger was out of control and I was going to go to anger management (which was her big source of complaint towards me). I called her last night to talk, left a VM that said I just wanted to chat and say hi, no response.

 

How do I deal with her at this point. I want to work this out and she knows it. I feel like she is using that as a way to play with me now by avoiding me, like it is a power play. I don't want her to file, and I am trying to give her her space, but it is so hard to not just call the person you loved. We are both 27 years old.

 

Any advice about how to deal with her and and how to handle myself would be great. I want her to move back and us to go to a marriage councilor and fix our marriage. I want save our marriage because she is a good person and I realize that I did a lot wrong.

[thediz261]

Here is a condensed version: I told my wife to leave and I wanted a divorce. We talked cordially for a week. She came back to visit (she moved two states away) and was really great, we decided to treat this as a separation and hoped we could save this. She moved back home again, around her friends, no job, living with parents and is mad at me now and wants a divorce because she can't see us fixing this. What happened and what do I do?

[WorldIsYours]

If you can't see your own selfishness in this then just keep heading for divorce.

 

Please expand more on why you two separated in the first place.

[thediz261]

We moved so that I could work on my PhD. She knew this was happening before we even got engaged, so she was fully prepared and willing. She was unhappy being away from her friends and family and had a new job she didn't like. She also had to drive an hour each way to work.

 

I knew she made a sacrifice and I did everything I could to make her happy while trying to get through school (which is A LOT of work). I made her coffee and breakfast every morning, did the laundry, bought the groceries, and had dinner ready almost every night. She said she felt isolated and alone (because she was used to being the center of attention among her friends). I spent time with her each night, she would go to be, then I would go start studying after that.

 

She stopped being kind, helpful, and started treating me like a house slave. I would ask for help and she would say she didn't want to because she had to work and I didn't have anything better to do. Once she started disrespecting my time and what I did, I begin to resist and resent her. We started bickering about everything, and she would escalate fights until I started yelling. Then she would play victim. I know I shouldn't have yelled, but I was so tired of being taken advantage of.

 

She became so cruel and cold the last two months and everything I did caused a fight.

[thediz261]

How am I being selfish. I asked for a divorce, but once she asked to make us work and if we could work on it with time, I agreed. And now she wants a divorce. I gave her everything I had.

 

Is there something that I am missing that I could address and how do I respond and deal with her. I would love to save this marriage, but I know it takes 2. I am willing to do what is necessary to save the marriage.

[soserious1]

What did you do wrong? let's start with the "screaming and explosive outbursts" let's then add the fact that you threw her out.

 

She gave up life as she knew it to move with you to a strange city so you can study, she took a job she hated with a lengthy commute to help pay the bills

I'm not sure how much more "kind and helpful" anybody would be.

 

She's back home now, living with her parents, has no job and if shes normal she's not jumping up eager to talk to you because her family has probably encouraged her to really think about whether this marriage was a wise choice.

[thediz261]

I never said I didn't do anything wrong, in fact I have admitted to her than I think I did wrong and have told her I would seek anger management. But she did not act like a wife, a friend, a partner, etc. I felt she literally hated me after the first month. I asked her to go to see a MC several times. Everyone who knows me and her knows that I did everything in the world for her and much more than most husbands do. I seriously was putting more into the relationship than I was getting, and yes, after 6 months I got tired of it. How come if a man doesn't do anything in a relationship and a woman tells him she is done, we all say it is his fault and he needs to get her back. But it is okay for her. I am tired of the double standards. Get real people.

 

The question is now, how do I deal with her and what is the best way to positively move forward. If I love her, which I do, and I am willing to do whatever to takes to save the marriage, which I am, then what should I do. I am not saying I never did anything wrong, but I want to fix this marriage.

[rugbyplayer1990]

Well Said!! I agree there is a double standard, go NC for as long as you can and that will give her time to realize if she mises what she had... I feel your pain, It's painful when one person has all the control on your future.. and right now, that controll is not in your hands... Look into Anger mangt. classes right away or see if your university has a counciling center available to students.. She needs to see actions, not what your going to do.. keep us posted daily, I promise it will help..

[Eddie Edirol]

Diz, just so you know, she wont be happy unless she is near her family and friends. So unless you are willing to move back to where she cant be near them, she (if she isnt already) will be looking elsewhere for a partner.

 

Now she is only holding out on the divorce papers because you need them so badly, it is a power play. But you dont need to be divorced just to satisfy yourself, its just paperwork and yits not like youre gettin g married anytime soon. Stop bugging her about it, leave her alone, let her go into the world and figure out that none of the guys out there are as good as you, and if you want her back, you can take her when she comes calling. But for now, you need to do your own thing and forget about her for now. She wont come back until she knows you dont need her. Thats how the rubber band effect works. (If she hasnt completely given up on your marriage yet.)

[soserious1]

I never said I didn't do anything wrong, in fact I have admitted to her than I think I did wrong and have told her I would seek anger management. But she did not act like a wife, a friend, a partner, etc. I felt she literally hated me after the first month. I asked her to go to see a MC several times. Everyone who knows me and her knows that I did everything in the world for her and much more than most husbands do. I seriously was putting more into the relationship than I was getting, and yes, after 6 months I got tired of it. How come if a man doesn't do anything in a relationship and a woman tells him she is done, we all say it is his fault and he needs to get her back. But it is okay for her. I am tired of the double standards. Get real people.

 

The question is now, how do I deal with her and what is the best way to positively move forward. If I love her, which I do, and I am willing to do whatever to takes to save the marriage, which I am, then what should I do. I am not saying I never did anything wrong, but I want to fix this marriage.

 

Double standard? you not getting anything from the relationship?

 

You moved to a strange city to benefit who exactly? you, you got the privilege, the luxury of pursuing your PH.D

 

what did your wife get? she moved away from her job,family & friends, she got 10-12 hour days at a job she hated with a husband who threw explosive **** fits because she didn't run home after that work day to cook,clean and care take for him. When your explosive outbursts failed to produce the traditional wifely behaviors of cooking and cleaning that you desired, you threw her out.

 

 

You threw her out, she's home now, unemployed, faced yet again with the task of restarting her life, chances are good her family/friends are advising her strongly to not go back with you

[thediz261]

soserious,

 

getting a PhD isn't just benefiting me. I did it to have a better life for my FAMILY, which was her. I walked away from a very high paying advertising job to get my Ph.D because my job kept me away 70+ hours a week. The life of a professor was to give her a better life and more of my time. I never wanted her to do wifey duties, I wanted a partner. I never expected her or asked her to come home and cook, just to be appreciative of what I was doing and to respect my time when I had to work on a paper.

 

I'm sure her family and friends are telling her to stay away.

 

UPDATE:

We spoke last night, she texted me and asked what I was doing after we played phone tag all weekend. We talked and I didn't bring up the relationship. Just how life was going. She started crying in the end and wouldn't tell me why she was upset. She said she couldn't talk so I let her go instead of begging to tell me what was going on.

 

THEN, today I found out she was accepted into the Masters program here where I am at, something we had tried getting her in when she was here so she could have an equally better life. I told her the good news. She said it only complicated things because "I don't think I am coming back." I asked if she was leaning towards divorce still and she said yes. She said she hasn't filed yet though. I don't know if it is because she is busy or sorting out her feelings. Should I ask?

 

I told her that I respected her decision and that it was unfortunate because I realized the things I did wrong and thought our marriage was worth fighting for and saving and that I would be willing to work on my issues. I left it at that and let her go. Now what, just keep NC?

 

Thanks so far for everyone's support.

[thediz261]

The last thing I just did, so she knew I was serious, was enrolled in an Anger Management class through the church, and I sent her the link so she new I was serious and not just making promises to try and convince her to come back. I start this week. I sent her the link through G-Chat when she was on and asked if she got it, all she said was "Yes". End of discussion. So now I guess I wait and see.

 

Right?

[thediz261]

Diz, just so you know, she wont be happy unless she is near her family and friends. So unless you are willing to move back to where she cant be near them, she (if she isnt already) will be looking elsewhere for a partner.

 

Now she is only holding out on the divorce papers because you need them so badly, it is a power play. But you dont need to be divorced just to satisfy yourself, its just paperwork and yits not like youre gettin g married anytime soon. Stop bugging her about it, leave her alone, let her go into the world and figure out that none of the guys out there are as good as you, and if you want her back, you can take her when she comes calling. But for now, you need to do your own thing and forget about her for now. She wont come back until she knows you dont need her. Thats how the rubber band effect works. (If she hasnt completely given up on your marriage yet.)

 

I have a legal and moral question about this Eddie. She has verbally said she is still leaning for divorce and I am not going to attempt and try to read into that. However, if I were to meet someone in the next month or two, and she is still saying she is divorcing me but hasn't filed, then if I did something, would that be considered adultery? If she found out, could she try and say that is why she is divorcing me? I'm not trying or interested in finding another another woman, but if she wants to drag this out for the sake of playing games, what options do I have. Technically, I can't file where I live because I am not considered a resident, so I would have to travel to where she is now to file...which is 16 hours away.

[ShatteredReality]

Wow Diz, you have quite the situation on your hands. First off...did you read my first post about my relationship? I think it was much more volitile than yours! LOL. However, if you were as uncontrolled as my H was for the first 8yrs of our marriage, then I will say this - one year and two months into our marriage we split for 3 weeks. He went to stay with a friend. I was going to school full time during the day and working four evenings a week...he was unemployed and we were living with my parents and our first child was 6 months old. That three weeks that he didn't live with me were so wonderful. I had time to think...I had time to be myself. He only had our son while I was at school or work...there really wasn't a place for him where he was staying, so I did a lot of picking up and dropping off at the time - but even with that - I didn't have anybody yelling at me or telling me all of the things that I was doing wrong, all the of ways that I was failing....I obviously cannot speak for all women - but women like me - we're a sensitive breed under our tough exterior. The person who can afflict the MOST damage is the man we marry. A person at the store could bump into me, call me an idiot, and I would not care...what do they know? But the man I married? He knows me better than I know myself sometimes...he can predict my moves before I make them - not all of them but some of them...so if he calls me an idiot - well he must know what he's talking about....at least, that's how it feels. So...the harmful things that you say and do are more harmful to her, most likely, than nearly anybody else.

 

Also, the first year of marriage tends to be the most difficult. The whole - merging lives and getting used to eachother...then the reality sets in that you have sworn to "forever" with this person...and you begin to wonder if they are "forever" material and vice versa. Some never question it, know they made the best choice ever and that's that....most do not have that luxury.

 

You can go the NC route and see if that brings her back...but personally, I'd court her again. Sweep her off her feet. She fell deeply in love with you once...had passion for you....it can happen again. I know there are plenty of pessimists that say second runs never work, but that's been disproven. If no one tried it because statistically it wasn't a wonderful idea there would be many happy relationships lost. I fell out of love...I began to even fear my husband. Not that he'd hit me - he never has and I doubt this far into it that he ever will - but that the internal and emotional damage would eventually become irreperable and that I would cease to exist as myself and be only the horrible person he painted with his terrible words during a fight. Even if I started it...he made sure to go so far above and beyond what I'd done that he negated my actions with his own. If a person steps on your foot it's hardly fair to pick them up and throw them across the room as retaliation. Truthfully, apart from some pranks here or there...in a marriage...there should not be such retaliation. It took a long time for us to learn it, but now that we try to put that to practice it makes a huge difference.

 

Your wifes friends and family are most likely feeding the pain and causing her to resent you even more. Her time away from you has allowed her to get back that part of her she felt she lost...whether she gave it away willingly or not doesn't matter at this point - because the fact is she most likely didn't realize what she was giving away. She is probably afraid to come back to you and return to the misery that has been amplified in her mind...she's also probably being told that returning to you is a mistake, that you will return to your ways and that you will progress to become more and more abusive as time goes on.

 

You have to decide which battles you want to wager and which ones you don't. If she's not working invite her for a visit. Tell her you'd like her to come for a week...if she is willing. That you would like to have her sit in on some of your sessions. Showing her the site is a far cry different from her hearing you admit to SOMEONE ELSE where you went wrong. It wasn't until he said it out loud in counselling that I believed he was believed what he was saying.

 

She's not lilywhite in this whole thing...she was miserable and for the most part the emotional state of the woman tends to govern the general well being of the entire household...but for her to move on to her problems she needs to know you're not blaming her for everything. You both need to work on yourselves right now...some MC would be great, and IC for each of you would be fabulous.

 

Don't date other women until you're divorced. If you believe the Bible at all then you know that's adultery in the eyes of God if nothing else...personally if I am going to be a religious person and believe Gods rule is the one to follow I am not going to try to go out of my way to p!$$ him off. However, even at that...him aside...yes, your wife will absolutely feel betrayed and use that as an excuse to divorce you. Doesn't matter what she's going through - that's the nail in the coffin. You can wait the additional 6 months you need to to become a resident and file where you are, or you can make the trip to your hometown and file there...you may be able to file online...either hire an attorney and give them POA or perhaps do the filing online but show up for the court date....that's if that is the road you two wind up taking...just my two cents on that matter....A lot of the tips I gave Jstobo would be the same I would give to you...just more difficult because she's so far away from you right now.

 

I doubt I was as helpful as you were hoping...but you can PM me with questions too....and I'd be happy to clarify or if I didn't go in the direction you needed just let me know!!

[thediz261]

Thanks ShatteredReality,

 

I would love to court her again, but it seems so hard with her living 12 hours away and with her parents. I don't want to smother her if she is mad, but I don't want to play the NC game and make her wonder. I have read so many other threads that all said the NC worked until the woman started contacting them, but I am sure this is different in an EA situation. Like I said, I requested to talk to her Friday as friends and we played phone tag all weekend. We spoke good last night and she said how crappy her situation was. I said I was sorry and in hindsight, when we were having problems, I should have offered to stay in a hotel for a couple of days while things cooled off so she could have her job, she started crying and got upset. I was being really sweet and letting her know I would be willing to help out anyway, and even though I have no money (being a student) and I am left with the entire lease, that if I made extra money from tutoring, I would try to help her till she found a job.

 

I don't know how certain she is for a divorce and I am afraid to keep pushing the issue. Like I said, she said she is leaning that way and was going to file, but keeps delaying.

 

You are a woman who was in this situation. How would you recommend I go about contacting her. Do I wait for her to contact me again, do I continuously check in with her and talk to her as a friend every couple of days? I know she won't come back for a visit right now, she already said so. She also has a job she could get back here and I offered to leave so she could do that, but she said she has no intention on coming back.

[ShatteredReality]

Thanks ShatteredReality,

 

I don't know how certain she is for a divorce and I am afraid to keep pushing the issue. Like I said, she said she is leaning that way and was going to file, but keeps delaying.

 

You are a woman who was in this situation. How would you recommend I go about contacting her. Do I wait for her to contact me again, do I continuously check in with her and talk to her as a friend every couple of days? I know she won't come back for a visit right now, she already said so. She also has a job she could get back here and I offered to leave so she could do that, but she said she has no intention on coming back.

 

She is probably delaying because she's unsure it's what she wants.

 

When I was mad at my H and ready to leave...the occasional e-mail just updating me on little things...how his day was, conversational...those were nice. It showed he was thinking of me. He didn't pressure me into returning it or make me feel guilty if I didn't. He would only send one or two, though, before not sending another. We lived together the entire time, though, so that was a little different too. He did have a way of contacting me. But...I found...that when he would go spend the evening in the garage and not pay any attention to me at all...what was at first a relief became me wanting him to come in and smile my way or say hello...not to smother her....but a message here or there to let her know you're thinking of her doesn't hurt.

 

She doesn't want to come back there and leave her family and friends all over again just to have it fail. So right now start with the little things. Set up regular phone dates if you can. You don't have to call them that...but maybe have time set aside for eachother once or twice a week. You're still married until the divorce papers are filed....you can remind her of that, but only do it once. You can tell her how your first counselling session goes...but you don't have to go into detail about it.

 

NC is great for getting over someone or ending a relationship...not so great for lighting the fire anew. It's a risky measure to take...and if she responds well to that type of thing go for it, otherwise it's not the best choice to make. So, instead...just keep contact...but don't "check up on her". Instead...text her goodnight once in awhile...or good morning....nothing more, just goodnight or goodmorning. And one or the other, not both. You will have to do the courting Long Distance style...so it will take a lot of hard work...you have offered for her to come back and she's declined...if things go well for a week or two you can offer to come visit her for a weekend....Memorial Day Weekend....or Spring break...tell her you just want to take her to a nice dinner and movie date, if she'll allow it, because you miss her. You are working on yourself while she's gone and she's hopefully willing to do the same, but your changes will only become evident in your actions...if she never sees your actions she'll never recognize the changes. Don't be codependent or needy, you can live without her, but you prefer not to...so find a way to show her that.

[thediz261]

I texted her a bit on Monday after we talked and told her a joke and that I hoped we could remain in friendly communication, and that even if we divorced, it would at least remind us we were friends and make it more amicable. She finally texted me back twice today responded to my previous texts (24 hours later) which I didn't respond to. I didn't want her to think I was just making myself completely available at the drop of a hat. Games, probably, but I think it builds a little independence and strength.

 

So, she finally texted me tonight, something about posting stuff on facebook. I blocked her when she asked for space because it was hard to know what she was doing and to respect her privacy. She said her friends asked her a question and that I should defriend her friends too...I think this was all a ruse because I called her and she wouldn't say anything more than, "they just asked if you were okay, and I was worried about you because i couldn't read it and didn't know what to say." Truth is, I hadn't posted anything in two weeks.

 

SR, I took your advice. I kept it light-hearted and fun. I told her I saw her photos from the club before I blocked her and that she looked pretty and I would have offered her a dance. She said thanks. I then talked about how I finally signed up for Anger Manag. and started next Wednesday. She said that was good and wished I had earlier. I joked a bit more about how if we got back together how long it would take us to upload all the pictures of each other we deleted. She didn't say anything...which at this point, I am going to take as a positive. She could have said, "don't worry, not happening" I guess.

 

I told her how I was working out and boxing again (i was an amateur boxer in great shape once) and stopped drinking and already dropped 10 lbs. I also told her I was glad she left, not because I was mad at her, but because I don't think I would have ever realized that I needed help if she stayed and I was seeking it for myself and not just to get her back.

 

She still has no job and I can tell is having a hard time at home with finances. She started crying a bit, probably a combination between her shattered life and maybe because she misses me. I pray she gets a job soon so she can start rebuilding. I have no extra money because I am paying her half the rent here on a doctoral student pay (which is literally a couple hundred dollars a month), but if I had any extra I would help her pay her CC bills.

 

ShatteredReality, I took your advice and I hope it is working. Although she was upset at the end, she had to go, but it wasn't anger or demanding a divorce. I asked if we could set up a weekly phone date just to chat. She said, "right now, no. I am still getting too upset to talk. In the future...possibly." I am trying not to read into this, but at least she didn't say she wanted a divorce this time and at least she is planting some seed of future talk.

 

I'm doing all I can at this point and have no regrets and if she files for divorce, I will be sad, but at least I will know I tried.

[ShatteredReality]

Making commitments in the beginning when you're scared are difficult...the fact that she said Not right now but perhaps in the future is a good thing. I wouldn't read too much into anything right now Diz....just keep working on you. The way you have to see it is this way - if things don't work out with her you will at least be a better person for yourself and hopefully avoid some of these issues in the future with another person. However, if she sees that these changes are for real and not just a ploy to lure her back...she may not be able to help herself. It would be best if she were in counselling of some kind as well, but since you cannot control that, you need to just hope she's moving through her emotions toward a happier future - and one that includes you.

 

Now...talk to her like you would your best female friend...and now is the time to stop talking about getting back together, just for a little bit - it seems to make her uncomfortable as she hasn't made up her mind yet. I love that you kept it light and joked with her - keep that up...if you can make her smile and laugh she'll remember the things she fell in love with you for. Hopefully if you don't mention getting back together for a little while it will pique her interest and make HER be the one to say it...Right now you're in a terrible holding pattern. But you're right - you are trying...you want to look back on this and say you did all that you could....so you can feel good about yourself for it. Keep up with the light conversation - and I meant it, text her good night or good morning...try for like three days in a week for that...midweek and maybe one weekend day/night. The weekend day/night lets her know you're not out there dating someone else without letting her know that - it doesn't put you in a vulnerable place or needy place - but lets her know you were thinking of her...and if she responds all the better right? Eventually you might work it into a nightly/morning ritual...but for now it's an "I'm thinking of you" that's not pushy.

 

Keep us posted...any help I can offer I will....wish I had the magic fix for you!

[thediz261]

So, I am going to have to use the NC and see where that goes. Every time we spoke or texted, I tried to keep it light hearted, witty, fun..the things she said made her fall in love with me. I avoided all discussion of our relationship and made sure she knew I was going to fix my issues.

 

I had quit Facebook after our talk and she knew about it, but then because of school reasons, I reactivated it. So she texts me that my "giving up facebook didn't last" so I joked with her. She responded something ****ty and mean about not-following through with what I say, so I just joked back again about us being FB friends again someday. (killing with kindness) Then she texts "stop. I am really upset with you" to which I replied, "what have I done lately. I thought I have been handling properly." Her final text was, "I feel used and abused". So I apologized about feeling abused and acknowledged she had every right to feel that way and I was fixing my problem. But that I never used her and felt hurt, because it was me that was holding down the house. And I never asked for her money. I had my own, which we used funds pretty equally. She called me and said I could have 5 minutes, which turned into 40 minutes.

 

She said she was still really mad because I stole her mid 20s, and taken her from being financially stable to in debt because she couldn't find a new job. This made me upset because she had a job here and I offered to move out to a hotel or friends for a while so she could stay working but she said she WANTED to go back home with her friends and family. So I basically told her to stop blaming me for that.

 

But during the talk, I expressed over and over how I understood how she felt and I was willing to work and make this right again with her. And that her finance problem would be our problem, and her mid-20s can be saved. I made sure not to sound needy, but rather supportive. I reminded her that although I felt she did some things wrong that I was willing to work at this to save it.

 

She said I couldn't talk my way out of this one and I needed to know consequences for my actions. I told her I felt them and her leaving was the best thing, otherwise I never would have realized where I made mistakes. I asked her on a scale of 0-10 where she was at. 0 being ready to file, 10 ready to come home and make this work. She said 1. Which, like your MC said Shattered, better than 0, right?

 

But I after getting off the phone, it just really makes me mad because she is doing what she always did. That is sit back and play victim. I asked her to do what I was doing, think of the positives in that person and reflect on your own negatives so we can lovingly work this out. She is lucky that I want to still save this marriage, because believe me, she was not the best wife in the world. I could leave her with her debt she accumulated and her "wasted youth" as she said. We agreed to not talk for a while and I have no intention of speaking to her unless she is ready to start moving forward or wanting to make progress.

 

Her attitude is only making me remember why I told her I wanted a divorce in the first place. There is no love, only jealousy and resentment. There is no forgiveness or reconciliation, just blame. She is so selfish. I even offered to pay her credit cards and sell my stuff to help her until she got a job because I was her husband and any extra cash I got from tutoring I would send her until she got a job. But all she can do is focus on the negative. I am good, honest, hard working mad. She told me that other than the yelling thing, that I loved my work more than her. Those were her two problems with me. And you want a divorce because of that? Grow up.

 

Sorry about the vent, but it was either here, or an email to her.

 

Shattered, I am staying with absolutely NC until I hear from her, then maybe start texting goodnight. I really wanted to this weekend, but I need to give her absolute space I guess.

[ShatteredReality]

Understood. One of the most difficult things to battle is selfish tendencies. You cannot battle them forever...and even if you do it's hardly rewarding. I have to say I will agree with you taking a timeout right now given the circumstances...update us though.

[Happy Finally]

]Well Said!! I agree there is a double standard[/b]' date=' go NC for as long as you can and that will give her time to realize if she mises what she had... I feel your pain, It's painful when one person has all the control on your future.. and right now, that controll is not in your hands... Look into Anger mangt. classes right away or see if your university has a counciling center available to students.. She needs to see actions, not what your going to do.. keep us posted daily, I promise it will help..[/quote']

 

Rugby isn't that the truth. If the situation was reversed it would be "Whey weren't you supportive. She is just going to school for the future...blah blah blah...you deserved to be yelled at"

 

It's tough. I know the feeling. Going through separation/space or as the wife likes to now say "Our business arrangement"

 

Go no contact for a few weeks. Make her contact you. Go get some anger management so that when she does contact you, you can say you are getting the help.

 

It will be hard but worth it.

[thediz261]

I go to my anger management class on Wednesday and really looking forward to it. We still haven't spoken since our 40 min phone call on Thursday. It has been crazy, because one minute I think about how poorly and immature she is handling this and I am glad we are separated and don't care if we divorce, then 1 hour later, I can think only of the wonderful things she did. What sucks or hurts I guess is I wonder if she is going through the same roller coaster. If she can think of one redeeming quality or if she still "hates" me.

 

I know I have to be strong and stay away and hopefully the NC will make her realize what life is like without me. Sadly, she is living with her family, who is not a fan of me at the moment and I know her over-involved father is probably keeping her there and reminding her how awful I was. Her family wanted us to live next door to them and were mad I was "taking" their daughter 2 states away, so I am sure they will do whatever they can to keep her there. I guess that is where her selfishness comes from!

 

Staying strong, avoiding every inclination that says I should text until she reaches out to me. I'm going to give it two weeks, and if NC by then, I think I am going to pull the plug and suggest we file. So, as this forum, I mark my words that if I haven't heard from her by April 11th, I am going to call her and inform her I am filing.

[Eddie Edirol]

I joked a bit more about how if we got back together how long it would take us to upload all the pictures of each other we deleted. She didn't say anything...which at this point, I am going to take as a positive. She could have said, "don't worry, not happening" I guess.

 

 

Anything that isnt a yes is a no. Thats how it works. She doesnt want to work this out, as you have given proof. I dont know why you are still trying to nice her to reconsider. She is looking for any reason to be mad at you. Go NC, and if you break that, you have to do a complete 180 on her. Dont be nice, just be distant,cold, dont offer her anything, dont update her on your life, and she is the real cause of your anger, forget the anger management classes, you obviously dont need them with all the effort youre making. Dont let her keep tabs on you either.

 

Youre not going to date anyone now anyway, but if you do, dont worry about the adultery. I would say that only counts emotionally at this point, and since she wants nothing to do with you, it isnt really adultery. She is probably with someon now, so you can do whatever you want. If it comes to court, you state how you tried to reconcile and she wanted nothing to do with it.

[Happy Finally]

Anything that isnt a yes is a no. Thats how it works. She doesnt want to work this out, as you have given proof. I dont know why you are still trying to nice her to reconsider. She is looking for any reason to be mad at you. Go NC, and if you break that, you have to do a complete 180 on her. Dont be nice, just be distant,cold, dont offer her anything, dont update her on your life, and she is the real cause of your anger, forget the anger management classes, you obviously dont need them with all the effort youre making. Dont let her keep tabs on you either.

 

Youre not going to date anyone now anyway, but if you do, dont worry about the adultery. I would say that only counts emotionally at this point, and since she wants nothing to do with you, it isnt really adultery. She is probably with someon now, so you can do whatever you want. If it comes to court, you state how you tried to reconcile and she wanted nothing to do with it.

 

 

Courts don't care about this anymore. They don't really care who's at fault either. Today's divorces are more business and how to settle the finances and property. When I was still in the service I would have to counsel many of my guys on divorce and go to court with them...not one in the 6 different divorce cases did I ever hear the judge give a crap about what each other was doing after or even before the marriage ended. They only cared about the property rights and if there were kids involved that they were taken care of...and if both parties were agreeing to divorce..it was even simpler. And it doesn't matter who is at fault..the man was screwed regardless.

 

I had one guy: we deployed for 8 months. While we were gone his wife had another man move into his house (he was the only one on the mortgage), he paid for the man's food, the guys car, his kids started calling this man dad (they were 3 and 4) because mommy told them too. When we got back after 8 months. The locks were changed and the other man wouldn't let him in his own house. The police sided with the wife. And during the divorce damn judge gave the wife everything she wanted...what BS!!!!!

[thediz261]

Well, she called me this afternoon. I froze because I was at work and couldn't answer the phone. Not that I wanted to play games, but I just couldn't answer it. I guess I was afraid of what she would say or how to even act. But I guess we are connected on some sort of physic level because it was last night that I said I was waiting on her move, and now she called.

 

Part of me wants to call back right away, but I feel that I should make her sweat it out a little, or at least till I figure out what I want.

 

ShatteredReality, could really use your advice here. Should I call her back tonight, or make her wait a bit? I want her to know I love her and still want to work this out, but I don't want to appear so eager and that I wait by the phone for her call anymore either, that I have my life back. Thoughts?