My wife says she feels that we are "disconnected"

[Jon Morris]

My wife and I will have been married 11 years in September (together since 1999). We have a home and 4 beautiful kids (10, 7, 6, 3). Up until a few days ago I thought everything was fine. Then, all of the sudden, she tells me that she's been feeling that we're disconnected and that she loves me but isn't "in love" with me anymore and that she thinks she may need some space. I dont know what to do. I feel like my world has come crashing down and there isn't anything I can do about it. I know that I should probably let her go and see if she comes back, but I'm deathly afraid of losing her. She and my kids are my whole world and the thought of us not being together is a nightmare for me. I haven't slept and have hardly eaten in two days. I feel like I'm tailspinning and can't focus, I need help!

 

Can anyone give me any advice please.

[worldgonewrong]

Advice:

don't let her put all the burden on you -- meaning, the responsibility to prove yourself and all that. Because sure as sh*t, if you go down that road, your proving-yourself-to-her will be a complete waste and it will only repel her further.

[What_Next]

Here we go again. Jon Morris (I certainly hope that is not your full name, registering and using a real name is not a good idea on public forums), I am sorry to be the one to say it, but I would wage more than even odds she is having an affair. It might not be a full physical affair yet, but there is someone else.

 

Pleae give some more background. Also has her behavior changed recently? Protecting her phone like it has national secrets on it, using the computer late at night?

 

I know your gut reaction is going to "NO, not MY wife", but you need to listen and listen good, RIGHT NOW.

 

This is not the only cause for this sort of behavior, but when it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.

 

More background information is needed.

[Jon Morris]

I know, but I love her so much it hurts. Even though we've been together for over a decade, I still love her as much as I ever have. Also, the thought of what this is going to do to our kids is really making this tough too. We have a 6 year old daughter who adores her mother but loves spending time with me as well. She has no idea what is going on and I can only imagine that she'll break down to tears if she knew one of us wasn't going to be around for a while. The only one who may not be so affected by this is our 10 year old son. We are like best-friends and I know he would want to stay with me. We also have a 7 year old son with cerebral palsy. I just think this is going to devestate evryone.

[whichwayisup]

First off, it's time to dump your kids at the grandparents place for a weekend and you two go on a trip somewhere. Even if just to talk and reconnect away from "life."

 

Maybe she's met someone else, maybe she hasn't. Either way though, something is wrong and it's best to talk about it all now and not let this get worse. She's unhappy.

 

Red flags -- Any attitude and mood changes? Meaning spending more time alone or on the cell phone/computer? Going out more with friends? has she bought new clothing?

[WorldIsYours]

Oh god man she gave you the ILYBNILWY Speech. She's cheating and you need to expose this to the fullest if you want to put pressure on her affair.

 

Seven year old son with cerebral palsy? And she's riding another man while you're taking care of four kids you guys made together? Divorce her and file for full custody.

[quankanne]

Space? Emotional space? Physical space? What? Until she can specifically define her needs, you're really not in a position to grant them. And yeah, definitely ask if she's got something going on on the side, or if she's got another "love interest," because in all fairness, y'all can't really work on making a better marriage if all the information isn't there ...

 

meanwhile, start taking stock of your marriage. What are its strengths? Its weaknesses? What is your communication style? Do you do anything for y'all as a couple, or are you simply married with kids? That last thing is a booger when it comes to feeling "connectedness," because you only focus on one level.

 

get yourself to the library and look for "the five love languages" to discern how you communicate your love to each other – believe me, it takes away a lot of the guesswork when you can identify how you express your love for another person as you figure out the tools needed to communicate your feelings for her.

 

look into a marriage enrichment program and ask her if she's willing to invest a little time in the relationship by attending classes with you. My husband and I did a Marriage Encounter weekend through my church more than a decade ago, and it's made a HUGE difference. Even he will tell people it's the best thing we ever did for our marriage – and he was the one initially fighting tooth and nail against going. Another local program is through the city, called We Vow Now. Not sure if they've got something similar in your area, but basically, it sounds like what we did on our encounter weekend without the churchy stuff. But both are very positive steps in building your relationship up further.

 

don't necessarily look at it as the end, but as a cry for attention when she tells you she thinks the relationship is disconnected. God willing, she's not looking anywhere else for attention, just senses something's not working. With four little kids – with a special needs child's needs thrown into the fray – I can see how she feels overwhelmed as a wife and lover because her whole world is wrapped up in meeting your family's needs first and foremost, and she could be worried there's nothing left for y'all ...

 

talk to her. Don't be aggressive or accusatory, just ask her to tell you what's going on, why she feels the way she does and look for solutions together.

[Owl]

Agreed with previous posters.

 

The request for "space" and the ILYBNILWY speech (I love you but I'm not in love with you) are two major red flags, when combined almost always indicate that there's an affair going on.

 

Tell her that you understand. You agree that perhaps there's some 'disconnect' between the two of you, but INSIST that seperation isn't the answer. The way to "fix" this is for the two of you to reconnect. Time together, not time apart.

 

I'd bet you a good amount that she'll backpedal and look for ways/reasons to be apart...not together.

 

Now...while you're doing this...

 

You need to start snooping. Check her cell phone records, her email accounts, etc... Affairs usually require a good bit of communication. When/how do you think she could be communicating with another man? At work? From home on the computer while you're at work?

 

You get the idea. Start looking for the "proof" you'll need.

 

The reason you'll need this proof is because people engaged in affairs NEVER admit it without 'proof'. OK, sometimes they do...but that's really rare.

 

Get the evidence. Once you've got it, be ready to confront her, and be ready to INSIST that she end the affair and work on the marriage.

 

Marriage counseling will be the order of the day...once it's out in the open. But there's no value in it if she's lying. You've got to get the truth out there first.

 

Hang in there...things CAN get better.

[ver13]

You might want to just sit down with her and and tell her that you aren't going anywhere. If she feels so disconnected then it's time to re-connect and you have just the fix for that. You guy's can go to MC and estb a date nite etc... An before you tell her all of this remember all things are possible under the sun to include her being or starting an EA or A. Just look around and see what she has been up to txt, email etc... and go from there.

[willowthewisp]

You might want to just sit down with her and and tell her that you aren't going anywhere. If she feels so disconnected then it's time to re-connect and you have just the fix for that. You guy's can go to MC and estb a date nite etc... An before you tell her all of this remember all things are possible under the sun to include her being or starting an EA or A. Just look around and see what she has been up to txt, email etc... and go from there.

 

Best advice in the world! How does she expect space to help the two of you reconnect?

[Chi townD]

Let me guess. She wants you to be the one to move out. Don't go anywhere, don't leave your kids. I would monitor her very closely. Something might be going on here.

[robf1971]

she loves me but isn't "in love" with me anymore .

 

Uh ohhh, strap yourself in man your in for the ride of a lifetime. This is walk away wife script. I know you can't eat, can't sleep etc, I've been there, in fact I think we've all been there.

 

First order of business you need to find out if she's having an affair. I got the ILYB speech and there was no infidelity but it seems like i'm in the minority here.

 

You need to know if there is an OM, as the way you deal with the situation would be very different. I recommend checking cell phone records, keylogging the computer. Is your wife dressing sexier, going out more?

 

Please listen to the advice given here, most situations are remarkably similar.

[Jon Morris]

Update: My wife and I decided that she needed a few days to sort things out and she has gone to stay at her mothers house. I told her however that when she returns that we needed to work on re-connecting and finding out what is the real disconnect here.

 

After a little bit of prodding I've found out that there is anothe rman in the picture, well somewhat. He is a customer at her store that showed her a little attention and now she's reassessing our entire 11 year marriage because of it. Thankfully, there has been no infidelity - in fact she hasn't even talked to the guy outside of her store (I believe her because she simply hasn't had the time to do anything on the side and her phone records are clean). She says she is just interested in him because there was a "spark" there when they interrracted and she noticed that the spark was gone for us. I tried to tell her that no marriage is going to have that spark all of the time, but that you have to work at it to keep it alive. I will admit that the last two years for us have been especially rough. I was laid off from my job back in 2009 and my wife went back to work to take up the slack until I found something. As the economy situation is, it's been almost 2 years and I'm still jobless (although still drawing unemployment - for another 14 weeks that is). I think the stresses of her job have helped to add to the ****storm that led to all of this.

 

As it is right now, I'm at home with my kids and she is at her mothers. We have a standing date for her to come home friday evening because we have plans with the kids to go out somewhere fun as a family. I have also set aside saturday night as a date night this week so that we can go to a romantic restaurant and try to start the healing process somehow.

 

I'll keep you'll posted.

[whichwayisup]

I really hope she's being honest with you about the OM, what she's told you..

 

Find out who this guy is though..Is he single or married? Has a girlfriend?

 

Atleast she opened up to let you know that she's confused and admitted the spark isn't lit right now.

 

And, I really hope she realizes that the grass isn't greener.......... Sure, it feels good to have someone else other than your spouse who finds you (general you) hot, but as long as it's just a fun ego thing and nothing more, no lines are crossed.

 

Do you have access to her email?

 

One thing, make sure the kids talk to her daily, before bed. This way atleast you know she's at her mom's house for the most part.. Tell her she must not be in contact with the OM anymore, especially when at her mom's.

[whichwayisup]

As it is right now, I'm at home with my kids and she is at her mothers. We have a standing date for her to come home friday evening because we have plans with the kids to go out somewhere fun as a family. I have also set aside saturday night as a date night this week so that we can go to a romantic restaurant and try to start the healing process somehow.

This is good and as long as she's willing to try and put in effort to reconnect with you, then you can't ask for much more.

 

Though when the subject of the OM comes up, let her know that the friendship with him HAS to end.

[GorillaTheater]

she loves me but isn't "in love" with me

 

I googled this phrase and came up with something like 2 million hits. This IS script.

 

but I'm deathly afraid of losing her.

 

Whether your marriage survives or not, whether you're still with her 20 years from now or not, you absolutely have to let go of this mindset. You can't allow yourself to be afraid of the future. It's beyond your control. And you can't make any decision based on fear; they'll be the worst decisions you've ever made.

 

Give her what she wants: space. Be nice, but distant. Let her have a taste of what she'll be missing without you. DO NOT beg or pursue, it'll just drive her further away. Let her pursue you. Let her worry about what she's giving up. You can handle whatever happens.

[WorldIsYours]

I googled this phrase and came up with something like 2 million hits. This IS script.

 

 

 

Whether your marriage survives or not, whether you're still with her 20 years from now or not, you absolutely have to let go of this mindset. You can't allow yourself to be afraid of the future. It's beyond your control. And you can't make any decision based on fear; they'll be the worst decisions you've ever made.

 

Give her what she wants: space. Be nice, but distant. Let her have a taste of what she'll be missing without you. DO NOT beg or pursue, it'll just drive her further away. Let her pursue you. Let her worry about what she's giving up. You can handle whatever happens.

 

He'll hit the anger stage eventually, and that is when he'll really question her loyalty.

[Jon Morris]

I believe that is good advice. When she first told me of our supposed "disconnection" I went into defensive mode and began doing everything I could to be near her- holding her hand at every waking moment, hugging her closely, and telling her that I loved her like a billion times and I think that made the situation worse.

 

That is why I was ok with her going to her mothers for a few days - so that she could get away from here and see what she will be missing without me and the kids around her. If she is the woman I thought her to be, she will be devestated as the days pile on and she hasnt seen or heard from us.

 

I'm sure that over time I could handle the outcome, whatever that may be, but she is not only my wife - she is my best friend in the world. We love all of the same things and have so much in common. We like the same movies, tv shows, music (somewhat), foods - everything. I just know that I could never find that again if she left and I'm afraid of growing old alone without her. It scares me so much that it is keeping me up at night (I got approx. 1 hour of sleep last night). I must admit to being so lonely last night that I rubbed a little bit of her scented lotion into my hands just so that her scent would be near me at all times. I think that if our marriage ends, I may just have a nervous breakdown.

[Richard Friedman]

Woman's husband loses his job, she has to take on the provider role, and she loses attraction for him. Nothing new about a woman who has to wear the pants feeling the 'spark' is dying. but her actions speak loads about her character. She's willing to break up her family, including a special needs child, on a fleeting whim that she will be more happy and is being dishonest abut it. You don't need this kind of aggravation pal, and you don't need this kind of person in your life. Take her off the damn pedestal in your head. She is like a million other women who care only abut themselves.

[GorillaTheater]

I think that if our marriage ends, I may just have a nervous breakdown.

 

Bullsh*t. You'll be bruised, battered and numb, but you'll survive and heal. You're a hell of alot tougher than you think. You'll find depths of strength you never even knew existed.

 

I'll say it again: you can handle this.

[Jon Morris]

She says she deserves to be happy, but at what cost? My unhappiness? Our childrens unhappiness? Is her total happiness more important than that of her family? She said that she didn't think that the kids would be unhappy if we weren't together or that we didn't need to be together for them to be happy and well-adjusted. I know this is bull****! I have not known one person from a broken home who had a great time of it growing up. If anything, it seems like it makes it harder for them to have successful relationships in their own lives as adults.

[willowthewisp]

She says she deserves to be happy, but at what cost? My unhappiness? Our childrens unhappiness? Is her total happiness more important than that of her family? She said that she didn't think that the kids would be unhappy if we weren't together or that we didn't need to be together for them to be happy and well-adjusted. I know this is bull****! I have not known one person from a broken home who had a great time of it growing up. If anything, it seems like it makes it harder for them to have successful relationships in their own lives as adults.

 

You're so right, on both counts.

 

Why oh why do some people think that happiness is a given, that happiness should be handed on a plate with no effort or responsibility? Fact of the matter is, she made vows, freely, to work with you so you can both be happy. Committment isn't staying with someone, it is stating that you will stay with someone come what may, through good and bad. She ain't happy? Why? Because you're out of work? Bet you aren't to happy about that either, it's not like it's your fault! Marriage takes work, if she wants a happy marriage she has to learn she will have to work at it rather than expect everything to be handed to her on a plate. She decided when she married you to build happiness together as a couple, so what? now it's gotten a bit tough she's not happy, oh boo hoo, your poor children!

[Jon Morris]

What really bothers me is that if we do indeed split up, what will become of our special-needs son? He has cerebral palsy and is delayed mentally. He will likely require care from us for the rest of his life. I wonder if she has even thought about the fact that there are probably not alot of men out there who would be willing to take on the daunting responsibility of helping raise a special-needs child who is not their own, into adulthood and beyond.

[WorldIsYours]

Woman's husband loses his job, she has to take on the provider role, and she loses attraction for him. Nothing new about a woman who has to wear the pants feeling the 'spark' is dying. but her actions speak loads about her character. She's willing to break up her family, including a special needs child, on a fleeting whim that she will be more happy and is being dishonest abut it. You don't need this kind of aggravation pal, and you don't need this kind of person in your life. Take her off the damn pedestal in your head. She is like a million other women who care only abut themselves.

 

Great post. She doesn't even care about her own children, especially one with special needs. That's sad and pathetic that a woman can be that low to destroy her family and marriage.

[WorldIsYours]

What really bothers me is that if we do indeed split up, what will become of our special-needs son? He has cerebral palsy and is delayed mentally. He will likely require care from us for the rest of his life. I wonder if she has even thought about the fact that there are probably not alot of men out there who would be willing to take on the daunting responsibility of helping raise a special-needs child who is not their own, into adulthood and beyond.

 

She probably did think about it, but it didn't stop her from being selfish and heartless. You don't need a woman like that. Take care of your kids and get rid of her. And men who mess with other people's wives don't care about nothing but the free booty they're getting and when they're done, they toss the woman to the curb.