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My wife says she feels that we are "disconnected"


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Old 15th March 2011, 2:45 PM   #1
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My wife says she feels that we are "disconnected"

My wife and I will have been married 11 years in September (together since 1999). We have a home and 4 beautiful kids (10, 7, 6, 3). Up until a few days ago I thought everything was fine. Then, all of the sudden, she tells me that she's been feeling that we're disconnected and that she loves me but isn't "in love" with me anymore and that she thinks she may need some space. I dont know what to do. I feel like my world has come crashing down and there isn't anything I can do about it. I know that I should probably let her go and see if she comes back, but I'm deathly afraid of losing her. She and my kids are my whole world and the thought of us not being together is a nightmare for me. I haven't slept and have hardly eaten in two days. I feel like I'm tailspinning and can't focus, I need help!

Can anyone give me any advice please.
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Old 15th March 2011, 2:49 PM   #2
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Advice:
don't let her put all the burden on you -- meaning, the responsibility to prove yourself and all that. Because sure as sh*t, if you go down that road, your proving-yourself-to-her will be a complete waste and it will only repel her further.
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Old 15th March 2011, 3:10 PM   #3
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Here we go again. Jon Morris (I certainly hope that is not your full name, registering and using a real name is not a good idea on public forums), I am sorry to be the one to say it, but I would wage more than even odds she is having an affair. It might not be a full physical affair yet, but there is someone else.

Pleae give some more background. Also has her behavior changed recently? Protecting her phone like it has national secrets on it, using the computer late at night?

I know your gut reaction is going to "NO, not MY wife", but you need to listen and listen good, RIGHT NOW.

This is not the only cause for this sort of behavior, but when it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.

More background information is needed.
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Old 15th March 2011, 3:12 PM   #4
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I know, but I love her so much it hurts. Even though we've been together for over a decade, I still love her as much as I ever have. Also, the thought of what this is going to do to our kids is really making this tough too. We have a 6 year old daughter who adores her mother but loves spending time with me as well. She has no idea what is going on and I can only imagine that she'll break down to tears if she knew one of us wasn't going to be around for a while. The only one who may not be so affected by this is our 10 year old son. We are like best-friends and I know he would want to stay with me. We also have a 7 year old son with cerebral palsy. I just think this is going to devestate evryone.
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Old 15th March 2011, 3:15 PM   #5
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First off, it's time to dump your kids at the grandparents place for a weekend and you two go on a trip somewhere. Even if just to talk and reconnect away from "life."

Maybe she's met someone else, maybe she hasn't. Either way though, something is wrong and it's best to talk about it all now and not let this get worse. She's unhappy.

Red flags -- Any attitude and mood changes? Meaning spending more time alone or on the cell phone/computer? Going out more with friends? has she bought new clothing?
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Old 15th March 2011, 3:17 PM   #6
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Oh god man she gave you the ILYBNILWY Speech. She's cheating and you need to expose this to the fullest if you want to put pressure on her affair.

Seven year old son with cerebral palsy? And she's riding another man while you're taking care of four kids you guys made together? Divorce her and file for full custody.
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Old 15th March 2011, 3:27 PM   #7
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Space? Emotional space? Physical space? What? Until she can specifically define her needs, you're really not in a position to grant them. And yeah, definitely ask if she's got something going on on the side, or if she's got another "love interest," because in all fairness, y'all can't really work on making a better marriage if all the information isn't there ...

meanwhile, start taking stock of your marriage. What are its strengths? Its weaknesses? What is your communication style? Do you do anything for y'all as a couple, or are you simply married with kids? That last thing is a booger when it comes to feeling "connectedness," because you only focus on one level.

get yourself to the library and look for "the five love languages" to discern how you communicate your love to each other believe me, it takes away a lot of the guesswork when you can identify how you express your love for another person as you figure out the tools needed to communicate your feelings for her.

look into a marriage enrichment program and ask her if she's willing to invest a little time in the relationship by attending classes with you. My husband and I did a Marriage Encounter weekend through my church more than a decade ago, and it's made a HUGE difference. Even he will tell people it's the best thing we ever did for our marriage and he was the one initially fighting tooth and nail against going. Another local program is through the city, called We Vow Now. Not sure if they've got something similar in your area, but basically, it sounds like what we did on our encounter weekend without the churchy stuff. But both are very positive steps in building your relationship up further.

don't necessarily look at it as the end, but as a cry for attention when she tells you she thinks the relationship is disconnected. God willing, she's not looking anywhere else for attention, just senses something's not working. With four little kids with a special needs child's needs thrown into the fray I can see how she feels overwhelmed as a wife and lover because her whole world is wrapped up in meeting your family's needs first and foremost, and she could be worried there's nothing left for y'all ...

talk to her. Don't be aggressive or accusatory, just ask her to tell you what's going on, why she feels the way she does and look for solutions together.
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Old 15th March 2011, 4:10 PM   #8
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Agreed with previous posters.

The request for "space" and the ILYBNILWY speech (I love you but I'm not in love with you) are two major red flags, when combined almost always indicate that there's an affair going on.

Tell her that you understand. You agree that perhaps there's some 'disconnect' between the two of you, but INSIST that seperation isn't the answer. The way to "fix" this is for the two of you to reconnect. Time together, not time apart.

I'd bet you a good amount that she'll backpedal and look for ways/reasons to be apart...not together.

Now...while you're doing this...

You need to start snooping. Check her cell phone records, her email accounts, etc... Affairs usually require a good bit of communication. When/how do you think she could be communicating with another man? At work? From home on the computer while you're at work?

You get the idea. Start looking for the "proof" you'll need.

The reason you'll need this proof is because people engaged in affairs NEVER admit it without 'proof'. OK, sometimes they do...but that's really rare.

Get the evidence. Once you've got it, be ready to confront her, and be ready to INSIST that she end the affair and work on the marriage.

Marriage counseling will be the order of the day...once it's out in the open. But there's no value in it if she's lying. You've got to get the truth out there first.

Hang in there...things CAN get better.
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Old 15th March 2011, 4:20 PM   #9
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You might want to just sit down with her and and tell her that you aren't going anywhere. If she feels so disconnected then it's time to re-connect and you have just the fix for that. You guy's can go to MC and estb a date nite etc... An before you tell her all of this remember all things are possible under the sun to include her being or starting an EA or A. Just look around and see what she has been up to txt, email etc... and go from there.
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Old 15th March 2011, 6:47 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by ver13 View Post
You might want to just sit down with her and and tell her that you aren't going anywhere. If she feels so disconnected then it's time to re-connect and you have just the fix for that. You guy's can go to MC and estb a date nite etc... An before you tell her all of this remember all things are possible under the sun to include her being or starting an EA or A. Just look around and see what she has been up to txt, email etc... and go from there.
Best advice in the world! How does she expect space to help the two of you reconnect?
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Old 15th March 2011, 7:30 PM   #11
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Let me guess. She wants you to be the one to move out. Don't go anywhere, don't leave your kids. I would monitor her very closely. Something might be going on here.
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Old 16th March 2011, 4:20 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by Jon Morris View Post
she loves me but isn't "in love" with me anymore .
Uh ohhh, strap yourself in man your in for the ride of a lifetime. This is walk away wife script. I know you can't eat, can't sleep etc, I've been there, in fact I think we've all been there.

First order of business you need to find out if she's having an affair. I got the ILYB speech and there was no infidelity but it seems like i'm in the minority here.

You need to know if there is an OM, as the way you deal with the situation would be very different. I recommend checking cell phone records, keylogging the computer. Is your wife dressing sexier, going out more?

Please listen to the advice given here, most situations are remarkably similar.
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Old 16th March 2011, 5:50 PM   #13
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Update: My wife and I decided that she needed a few days to sort things out and she has gone to stay at her mothers house. I told her however that when she returns that we needed to work on re-connecting and finding out what is the real disconnect here.

After a little bit of prodding I've found out that there is anothe rman in the picture, well somewhat. He is a customer at her store that showed her a little attention and now she's reassessing our entire 11 year marriage because of it. Thankfully, there has been no infidelity - in fact she hasn't even talked to the guy outside of her store (I believe her because she simply hasn't had the time to do anything on the side and her phone records are clean). She says she is just interested in him because there was a "spark" there when they interrracted and she noticed that the spark was gone for us. I tried to tell her that no marriage is going to have that spark all of the time, but that you have to work at it to keep it alive. I will admit that the last two years for us have been especially rough. I was laid off from my job back in 2009 and my wife went back to work to take up the slack until I found something. As the economy situation is, it's been almost 2 years and I'm still jobless (although still drawing unemployment - for another 14 weeks that is). I think the stresses of her job have helped to add to the ****storm that led to all of this.

As it is right now, I'm at home with my kids and she is at her mothers. We have a standing date for her to come home friday evening because we have plans with the kids to go out somewhere fun as a family. I have also set aside saturday night as a date night this week so that we can go to a romantic restaurant and try to start the healing process somehow.

I'll keep you'll posted.
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Old 16th March 2011, 6:07 PM   #14
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I really hope she's being honest with you about the OM, what she's told you..

Find out who this guy is though..Is he single or married? Has a girlfriend?

Atleast she opened up to let you know that she's confused and admitted the spark isn't lit right now.

And, I really hope she realizes that the grass isn't greener.......... Sure, it feels good to have someone else other than your spouse who finds you (general you) hot, but as long as it's just a fun ego thing and nothing more, no lines are crossed.

Do you have access to her email?

One thing, make sure the kids talk to her daily, before bed. This way atleast you know she's at her mom's house for the most part.. Tell her she must not be in contact with the OM anymore, especially when at her mom's.
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Old 16th March 2011, 6:08 PM   #15
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As it is right now, I'm at home with my kids and she is at her mothers. We have a standing date for her to come home friday evening because we have plans with the kids to go out somewhere fun as a family. I have also set aside saturday night as a date night this week so that we can go to a romantic restaurant and try to start the healing process somehow.
This is good and as long as she's willing to try and put in effort to reconnect with you, then you can't ask for much more.

Though when the subject of the OM comes up, let her know that the friendship with him HAS to end.
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