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He chose the addiction


dreamingoftigers

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dreamingoftigers

He's been keeping a computer in the garage he bought a new one while we were going bankrupt. He hasn't been honest for one day. I hate porn, it poisoned my family. My daughter will grow up without her father. I hate life I wish I could just die.

 

The end

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dreamingoftigers

I don't care about anything anymore. I have had 3 sexual partners my while life. I am nailing as many guys as I can over the next two days. I will make up for lost time now. I hope it's not cheating if they leave telling you they never want to see you again and they just disappear dns you physically assault them in the process because you go crazy realizing that your life has been raped for six years.

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i am so sorry! i was passed over for the addiction as well. it sucks. if you can get through the next days, weeks, months, the clouds part and things start clearing up. but, getting through these days, weeks, months is the hard part!

 

don't do anything rash in the next couple days. as hard as you can, try to focus on your daughter and getting yourself some support and help. you'll need it!!

 

((HUGS))

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I don't care about anything anymore. I have had 3 sexual partners my while life. I am nailing as many guys as I can over the next two days. I will make up for lost time now. I hope it's not cheating if they leave telling you they never want to see you again and they just disappear dns you physically assault them in the process because you go crazy realizing that your life has been raped for six years.

 

Don't do this DOT.

 

It won't make you feel any better.

 

I am really sorry your H has let you down so badly. Is there anyone you can go and stay with?

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I lost my marriage, my home, business, and a wonderful life because my ex husband chose addiction. It was drugs, not porn, but I still think I understand how you must be feeling.

 

I truly believe you need to NOT do ANYTHING right now that might be self destructive or in any way against your best self interest. You probably really need to get your life separated from your husband and his addictive behaviors.

 

Try to do right by yourself, your child needs you extra because her father is not doing right by her.

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dreamingoftigers

You would not believe this. I actually went on a phone line and went to meet a guy at a truck stop.

 

I got in his truck and we talked for a little bit, his wife had cheated on him. He let me know that he was interested and after breaking down a little, I suggested that we get in the back.

 

He got naked (maybe he still had his underwear on, I don't know) and touched my shoulder and then my thigh and my brain couldn't do it. My brain built up a wall of all of these memories and stuff of myself and my husband and my whole body tensed up and I couldn't do it.

 

He asked me if I was having second thoughts. I said "yeah really lots" so he tried to touch me again and I said "I am so sorry" just over and over and over again and he said it was alright and i got my shoes and my keys but he had to open the door for me and i was crying and saying i was not just trying to tease that i thought i could do it but i can't its not in my nature.

 

i said i don't just do this, i don't just go on the phone lines and get guys all worked up and just leave at the last second but my brain wouldn't do it.

 

I drove home and called my friend and she said it was natural she said it's not cheating because my husband is a douche bag. she said it's over between us anyways so i should just go do it if i want. but i don't want to. i don't want to add another sex partner after all.

 

i feel like a real loser because i can't cheat on my husband and i still love him on some level no matter how ****ty he treated me and my heart is so broken for our little girl because i know he won't come back to raise her, and if he does it is because he will be taking her away for half of the time. i love her so much and i hate him for what he did i hate him hate him hate him hate him and i just feel so ****ty for going so crazy

 

he loves all the other girls more and why can't i just **** someone else?

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dreamingoftigers

I prided myself on my character and not being a cheater.

 

I just want to rip everything that i was apart.

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Duckduckgoose

And your good character, along with all of us at LS with talk you through the process of divorce. Cause yeah you need to boot him. You did all you could, he was the one that ****ed up.

 

Don't touch the alcohol or drugs...! I don't do drugs, but I've sworn off alcohol till my D is final. Booze won't make this any better :p

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dreamingoftigers

I've done the single mom thing when he has taken off, i can see why so many of those kids suffer from lost time with parents. it is so hard to do it by yourself.

 

i am so so so so so so so so much in pain right now. how could i have been in a relationship for six years with him and him care so little for us. him hate and resent me like this.

 

i loved him i tried to be so giving and stuff. i was moody but i was working on that i really was and now i went crazy

 

i hurt him physically i bit him on the cheek and he ran away i went so nut i don't even recognize myself.

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dreamingoftigers

I don't understand why cheating gets to make him feel so good and me feel so bad. i don't understand why that is.

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dreamingoftigers

my brain can't process all of this, my life has become insanity. my husband who pursued me harder then anyone is no more. i am going bankrupt. i have to call an old friend in to work the business. the daughter i was never supposed to have is here and she needs me. my parents babysit for me. i bit someone. i nearly had sex tonight, someone was unclothing themselves in front of me and wanting to have sex with me that wasn't my husband WTF?

 

 

WTF DID IT ALL GO SO SIDEWAYS

 

why am i here by myself? why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why

 

why was is so important to hide a computer and lie and cheat and abandon the family? why why why? why have a family at all? why live that way?

 

he said the only reason we stayed married is so that he wouldn't hurt me. can that be true? can someone do that? can someone only stay married not to hurt someone?

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Hard to determine why some people do stupid things.......

Once you let your sense of worth,moral compass, or happiness be determined by other people its all down hill from there...

You'll be OK, just doesnt seem like it right now...

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Right now, everything he says to you is going to be bullsh*t....keep that in mind. When someone gets caught (cheating, porn addiction, lying...etc), they will turn it on you or they will come out with some off the wall lame excuse to deflect any wrong on them.

 

I know it's not much help to say calm down and let your mind take a break. You have been pushed to the wall tonight...you deserve that break so you can look at things tomorrow and get your wits back about you.

 

He needs serious help, but you can't force him to get that help. He has to do that...what you can do is protect you and your daughter and not accept his behavior as acceptable.

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dreamingoftigers

I thought about it more and more.

 

He isn't going to change if he doesn't want to anyways. In theory he would have wanted to because he had it all going for him: wife, daughter, promising business start, just starting to dig his head out of the financial gutter.

 

I always knew when he was acting out, things would go missing emotionally.

 

I am so hurt just hurt hurt hurt. i got replaced by a plastic box. I gave him a precious, beautiful daughter and I got replaced by a plastic box that he uses in a McDonald's parking lot to jerk off to.

 

I know that there is plenty more he is lying about too, he lies about everything.

 

I feel so guilty that I gave my daughter such a crappy dad and that I spent so long trying to hold the walls up.

 

I wasn't always a great or nice spouse but I was a willing spouse.

 

It was literally a game of psycho chase tonight. I wanted some kind of validation from him instead of him just running away. I threw myself into the snow and ice like I tripped so he would feel bad for me and he yelled that it was "my own ****ing fault."

 

I lost my mind, humiliated myself and now I just feel like a jerk.

 

He acted like I was always trying to force him to do something he didn't want to do, then he would act like he wanted me and this family and everything else that was special. But he wouldn't do the steps for it.

 

I feel so so so alone and embarassed.

 

There were two men in my life: my husband, the one I married and that loved me and we had great dreams, great sex and a lot of happiness. Then there was the guy that killed my husband and could've brought him back to life but chose not to.

 

Now the guy that killed my husband is gone, so the man that was my husband is lost forever too.

 

I will never risk remarrying. I hate marriage, I hate the sexual nature of men and how fickle it is. I hate the fact that I brought a child into the world to have such a crappy start. She was asking for her dad all day.

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DoT,

I feel your pain and the anguish of unanswered questions. It is so hard being a single parent but we can do it, we have to, to make up for the walk aways. Please forget the sex, it is not important at the moment and don't go meet strange guys! It is far too dangerous! I felt like dying too but 5 months on am starting to feel better, well a little bit. Someone sent me a text.....Spring is coming, the birds will sing, the sun will shine and I hope the clouds lift a little bit.

Take care Dx

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dreamingoftigers

**** the clouds I want my husband back! I want my heart to not be broken and him to love me more then porn and stupid online dating! I would in stupid winter forever for that! Bring on -45 and give me back my family!

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I'm sorry things are going down like this.. your household is becoming completely chaotic due to your husbands actions. He needs to leave for awhile, this isn't healthy for any of you. PLEASE don't do anything irrational, I know you're hurting extremely bad but remember all the great advice you've given me.. I know its hard to follow in times of crisis but you have to do it.

 

I regret irrational actions I took when I just couldn't deal with my emotions and it led to my wife never coming back. I regret it every day and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Please don't go down that path, take some deep breaths, and let you husband know its time for him to GO before things get worse.

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willowthewisp

DOT, I have admired your posts and advice to thers on LS for a long time now. I have always thought of you as a very insightful, caring and compassionate person. Level headed. What has happened has pushed a very understanding and patient person over the edge, that says far more about your H than it does about you. I mean for goodness sakes, I can see just from your posts on here that it would take a HUGE amount of **** to push you that far.

 

I see you have been posting all night, I know it is incrediably hard right now but you need to help yourself calm down. First make some tea, put lots of sugar in it. No, I'm not kidding, it's good for shock.

 

Then run a warm bath and get in for a while. When you have done this, go and lie down, you may not sleep but you need to rest.

 

PLEASE don't do anything you will regret later to make yourself feel better now or in revenge ie having sex with strangers. As you found last night, you can't do it and that is because it WILL NOT make you feel better, because that is NOT who you are, you are worth moe than that. If your H can't see that then to hell with him.

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I'm so sorry you are going through this, I have been through it too, and you have helped me in past posts with encouraging words.

 

I struggle daily with wanting him back, and I understand exactly what you mean "you want the other him back". The one who made promises and kept them, the one who endlessly pursued you, the one who romanced you. Instead he has been replaced by a shell of a man, yet you long for who he was. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time with my breakup, all of the dreams we planned to build. I can understand still loving him...it's a love/hate thing. You love who he was, who he could be- yet hate the addiction and what it caused him to be.

 

Don't self destruct, that's what you are doing right now. You may not have gone through with your plans to meet up with a man, but you might if you allow it to happen again. I self destructed too, I went on a 2 week long drinking bender. It wasn't a good idea, I really set myself back in healing by doing that. I know it's hard, but don't let this man claim any more of your life. I know right now you probably think "well I don't give a damn, there's nobody to care about me and stop me so who cares what the hell I do"...but trust me, YOU will care, once the dust begins to settle and you have your head on straight, long after you have ridden the roller coaster of emotions.

 

Let this be his rock bottom. He may need to lose everything in order to see clearly. Try to "act" like you do not care when you are around him. Let him miss you and see what happens, perhaps with enough distance he will see that the addiction wasn't worth it.

 

I'm so sorry.

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dreamingoftigers
I'm sorry things are going down like this.. your household is becoming completely chaotic due to your husbands actions. He needs to leave for awhile, this isn't healthy for any of you. PLEASE don't do anything irrational, I know you're hurting extremely bad but remember all the great advice you've given me.. I know its hard to follow in times of crisis but you have to do it.

 

I regret irrational actions I took when I just couldn't deal with my emotions and it led to my wife never coming back. I regret it every day and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Please don't go down that path, take some deep breaths, and let you husband know its time for him to GO before things get worse.

 

My household is incredibly peaceful right now. No husband in it, I asked him to leave and do 30 days NC. Then I went all loony following him up and down the street as he tried to run away. He thought I was going to run him over with my car. So frustratedly betrayed. He encouraged me to put monitoring software on the computer and iPhone because I could start to trust him that way. He had a brand new computer in the garage hidden! He would take an hour or so to go get milk from the store! He knows that I would check the monitoring software, like he was completely laughing in my face! He had no respect for me at all. He would complain about MY computer usage and I felt do guilty! MM4 you are wrong, I don't want him back! He treated me so ****ty especially thus last month that if it wasn't for the grief I would have and for my daughter's sake. I wish he would disappear, vanish. Something tells me I am going to get my wish anyways! I don't think he will be back for his daughter because he will bs too ashamed to deal with his ****, so he just won't face her just like he would never face me with the truth. Addicts don't open up because they don't want to risk losing the addiction, even if if means losing everything else. I think it is so sad that my little girl lost her family because if this. So very ****ing sad. My heart will break everyday for her, my value fir her is so immense, I just know it ****ing will.

 

DOT, I have admired your posts and advice to thers on LS for a long time now. I have always thought of you as a very insightful, caring and compassionate person. Level headed. What has happened has pushed a very understanding and patient person over the edge, that says far more about your H than it does about you. I mean for goodness sakes, I can see just from your posts on here that it would take a HUGE amount of **** to push you that far.

 

Well the Huge Amount of **** Truck made a delivery last night.

 

I see you have been posting all night, I know it is incrediably hard right now but you need to help yourself calm down. First make some tea, put lots of sugar in it. No, I'm not kidding, it's good for shock.

 

I am a ****ty Mormon, we don't drink tea.

 

Then run a warm bath and get in for a while. When you have done this, go and lie down, you may not sleep but you need to rest.

 

I've been through too damn much if this before and I am raging inside.

 

PLEASE don't do anything you will regret later to make yourself feel better now or in revenge ie having sex with strangers. As you found last night, you can't do it and that is because it WILL NOT make you feel better, because that is

NOT who you are, you are worth moe than that. If your H can't see that then to hell with him.

 

the sex wouldn't be for him, it would be so I could get touched by another human being in ways that I have not been in a damn long time. I already took down my craigslist ad, in reality it would probably be a bunch if sex addicts cheating on their wives anyways. e.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I

have been through it too, and you have helped me in past posts with encouraging words.

 

I struggle daily with wanting him back, and I understand exactly what you mean "you want the other him back". The one who made promises and kept them, the one who endlessly pursued you, the one who romanced you. Instead he has been replaced by a shell of a man, yet you long for who he was. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time with my breakup, all of the dreams we planned to build. I can understand still loving him...it's a

love/hate thing. You love who he was, who he could be- yet hate the addiction and what it caused him to be.

 

Don't self destruct, that's what you are doing right now. You may not have gone through with your plans to meet up with a man, but you might if you allow it to happen again. I self destructed too, I went on a 2 week long drinking bender. It wasn't a good idea, I really set myself back in healing by doing that. I know it's hard, but don't let this man claim any more of your life.

I know right now you probably think "well I don't give a damn, there's nobody to care about me and stop me so who cares what the hell I do"...but trust me, YOU will care, once the dust begins to settle and you have your head on straight, long after you have ridden the roller coaster of emotions.

 

Let this be his rock bottom. He may need to lose everything in order to see clearly. Try to "act" like you do not care when you are around him. Let him miss you and see what happens, perhaps with enough distance he will see that

the addiction wasn't worth it.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

It won't be an act. He ripped my heart out my ass at least once a month by being so not caring and ambivalent about me being in his life or not. He said 55% of the reason he stayed in our marriage was "not to hurt me." How altruistic. What a ****ing waste of time trying to save my family was. What s ****ing stupid waste. People with my backgrounds don't get functional families. Poor T, what a ****ty deal to be born into. At least I am trying to overcome my own ****. Well with all of the time I spent checking the Internet monitoring, reading relationship books and trying to work through forgiveness, I may get the garage organized and have another room to rent out.

 

I ****ing know he paid for more **** then he is claiming.

 

 

HA HA HA HA (my life) HA HA HA HA it's a ****ing joke, get it?

 

I can't believe I married the guy that makes my father look like a ****ing picnic.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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DOT - I feel your pain, I really do...your opening sentence was exactly how I felt when my exH finally left...my house was peaceful...there was no conflict anymore...and that is peaceful. But like you, before I finally realized that, I went into total self-destruct mode because I too was angry, hurt and hated him for all the wasted years that he couldn't see how his issue (alcohol and gambling) were affecting our family.

 

I drank an entire fifth of bourbon the first time he left, nine days after an operation...figured what the hay, can't beat 'em, join 'em. Second time he left, I cranked my car in the garage and let it run for a while before I decided HE F'ING ISN'T WORTH IT!!!!!! We all go a little crazy when we see our lives fall apart. Not loony when you are you pushed to the wall like you were.

 

He chose an addiction...let him see how far in life that gets him for happiness...that is on HIM!! Not on you or your daughter. You are a STRONG person DOT, YOU ARE!!!...I can tell by your posts here on LS. You've worked hard on trying to save your marriage....BUT THIS MAN RIGHT NOW IS NO LONGER THE MAN YOU KNOW OR EVEN MARRIED. And until he is, you have done the right thing. Giving him 30 days to make those changes is the best you can do because you and your daughter deserve so much better. I know it's hard to work on the anger and hurt right now because it is still so fresh and raw....but don't give him any power over you....and holding onto that where it affects your emotional well-being is giving him power. Right now, stick with the peace that he is not there as a constant reminder to what hurts you.

Edited by trippi1432
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dreamingoftigers
DOT - I feel your pain, I really do...your opening sentence was exactly how I felt when my exH finally left...my house was peaceful...there was no conflict anymore...and that is peaceful. But like you, before I finally realized that, I went into total self-destruct mode because I too was angry, hurt and hated him for all the wasted years that he couldn't see how his issue (alcohol and gambling) were affecting our family.

 

I drank an entire fifth of bourbon the first time he left, nine days after an operation...figured what the hay, can't beat 'em, join 'em. Second time he left, I cranked my car in the garage and let it run for a while before I decided HE F'ING ISN'T WORTH IT!!!!!! We all go a little crazy when we see our lives fall apart. Not loony when you are you pushed to the wall like you were.

 

He chose an addiction...let him see how far in life that gets him for happiness...that is on HIM!! Not on you or your daughter. You are a STRONG person DOT, YOU ARE!!!...I can tell by your posts here on LS. You've worked hard on trying to save your marriage....BUT THIS MAN RIGHT NOW IS NO LONGER THE MAN YOU KNOW OR EVEN MARRIED. And until he is, you have done the right thing. Giving him 30 days to make those changes is the best you can do because you and your daughter deserve so much better. I know it's hard to work on the anger and hurt right now because it is still so fresh and raw....but don't give him any power over you....and holding onto that where it affects your emotional well-being is giving him power. Right now, stick with the peace that he is not there as a constant reminder to what hurts

you.

 

I didn't give him 30 days to make the changes. I gave myself 30 days of a break to try to restore my sanity before I ever have to deal with him again. I want to purge everything of his from the house. Everything of his that I see makes me sick with anger because hd just had no right to be here in any form with what he was doing. I hope that I don't love him anymore. I just want my sanity back. I want to know what is going on in my life is what us actually going on. I tried so hard to be optimistic. I sm so heartbroken because when I saw where he was with his bank statements I thought that he was trustworthy because it meant that he stayed in the car at the truck stop instead of some wOman's house. When I went up to the car I thought maybe he had been trying extra hard to read the book in the door that would help him work on himself. I wanted to tell him I finally trusted his intentions because we had a good week etc. He was going to make me a real romantic dinner for valentines and I was so excited that he finally appreciated the efforts I was making. Then I opened that door..... And my world finally, completely came crashing down.

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