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Hi Gang,

 

This is my second post as I think the first one may have been misinterpreted.

 

Two months ago my wife of 5 years (been together 7) told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore and she wanted to leave!

 

I’m 42 she’s 27. We have two daughters one is 5 the other is 17 months.

 

I was gob smacked, I couldn’t believe it, I tried to persuade her to figure things I’ve pleaded, bought gifts, you name it I have tried it, I moved out of the house for 7 weeks, we have spent time together with our daughters and she does occasionally talk about the future with us being together, but if asked she backs down!

 

The problem, there is a 15 year age difference between us and she has hardly been out for the last 7 years and I can hardly imagine what that must be like during your twenties, I have had some serious financial issues! Also I haven’t made any effort at all in this relationship; I must have told her a total of 5 times in 7 years that I love her! I have been selfish, inconsiderate, and insulting and I probably deserve to be exactly where I’m at right now.

 

She has gone a bit crazy smoking pot, drinking going out, but I guess she has been stuck in for seven years!

 

She decided to move out only around 0.5miles away, I was making some progress with her, but that all changed the day she moved, when I got home after 7 weeks and found the house empty she had taken nearly everything but most of all she had taken my daughters with her and I couldn’t understand or accept why she didn’t want work things out before it went this far, when she came in the house to get something I ignored her and asked her to leave I just kept saying get out , I then asked her for a divorce (I lost it!) When she left I broke down

 

The next day she came round and I suggested we talk, I asked her how she felt about me? She said she loved me but wasn’t in love with me! (Whatever that means) she said she wants to take things back to the beginning and see if they work out and see if she can fall in love with me again, I also asked her if she still found me attractive and she said I was a very good looking guy, she also said she needs some time on her own, to figure out what she wanted! And of coarse she would like things to work out I’m the father of her children, but she said she hasn’t got a crystal ball. She also says she doesn’t want a divorce as this is to final. Two days ago we spent the afternoon putting together the girls bunkbeds and she was quit happy reminding me about all the wrongs I have done in our relationship, I was trying to play it cool so I didn’t take the bait! She also said a lot of women admire her for walking out of a unhappy relationship, I just nodded, I then asked her if she thought it was definelty over and she said she didn’t know. She also keeps telling me about other guys chasing her, which she knows drives me crazy, she said I should stop focusing on her and start focusing on myself like she is! (I’m a guy trying to keep his family together! If you can’t focus on that then what can you focus on?!)

 

The following day was my daughters 5th birthday party and I wasn’t going to attend as all of her family would be there, but I sucked it up and went, I was chatty friendly and laughed a lot, I think I gave the impression that I was happy! Her family where great! And they want us to get back together.

 

Yesterday i went over to finish the bunk beds and we laughing while we where doing this and racing to see who get done first, she commented on the fact that I seemed happy! (It was a act!) In fact it kills me each time I see her!

 

I have the legal papers to file for divorce, but if I’m honest I would only being doing this because my feelings are hurt!

 

Does anybody have some positive advice for me to help me save my relationship and keep my family together??

 

I’m trying to act cool and happy and wait for her to contact me! We have to have allot of contact as we have two girls

 

Feedback and advice from anyone would be most welcome??????

[sIZE=3] [/sIZE]

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Yea, I responded in your last thread, I'm in a similar situation. My stbxw is 12yrs younger and we have a 4yr old son. Other than providing I wasn't a great husband, she put minimal work into being a wife, and after some serious drama she is divorcing me. I still love her, she knows this very well, and I've committed to change but it doesn't matter. Sometimes love isn't enough.

 

As a divorce busters coach told me-- step one STOP CHASING HER. Be as upbeat as you can when you interact with her. Give her a reason to stay, like she is missing out on something if she leaves. I know this is completely counter-intuitive, but if you want a chance this is what you have to do. Focus on bettering yourself right now and she'll take notice, guaranteed. Don't whine, cry, beg, plead.. that will do nothing but make her think you're pathetic. I did this and it seriously just makes things worse. If its irrepairable, at least you'll go out with some dignity.

Edited by marqueemoon4
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I moved out of the house for 7 weeks, [sIZE=3] [/sIZE]

 

Why did you do this? She wants out of the relationship? she should leave... This makes you look weak by moving out not attractive.

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Rob, I’m glad you responded I like the advice you give!

I moved out as I didn’t want to subject my children to our persistent arguing!

 

Its what I do now, that’s what’s important?

 

Any advice, Rob?

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Hi Gang,

 

she has hardly been out for the last 7 years and [sIZE=3] [/sIZE]

 

Her choice, I assume you wouldn't have stopped her

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Rob, I have been possessive, but we have been bringing up two children and I was almost insolvent.

 

After reading your posts, what did you do to get your wife interested again,? can you let me know a little bit more about your story??

 

Do you have any advice?

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, I have had some serious financial issues! Also I haven’t made any effort at all in this relationship; I must have told her a total of 5 times in 7 years that I love her! I have been selfish, inconsiderate, and insulting and I probably deserve to be exactly where I’m at right now.

 

[sIZE=3] [/sIZE]

 

Is this true? or is what she is telling you to justify her leaving?

 

Don't beat yourself up I told my W "ILY" every day but she still wanted to go. As for financial issues, yes I think women lose respect for men that don't bring in the bacon. However, marriage is a partnership, does she work?

 

The only person you can work on is yourself, you need to find out why you were inconsiderate, insulting etc. Maybe counselling on your own?

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I have been working on myself and making improvements. I think I was just angry at the world!

 

I need to have a strategy to help get her interested again, what did you do??

 

How long would you go without any contact?

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After reading your posts, what did you do to get your wife interested again,? can you let me know a little bit more about your story??

 

Do you have any advice?

 

Ok, understand that this has taken 5 months and my situation is nowhere near solved. It has changed from her saying "I'm leaving, our marriage is over" to "I want us to go to counselling to work on our marriage" We have months of work ahead of us but now we are both on board for it.

 

What did I do. After all the pleading and begging crap, I made sure there was no infidlelity and did a lot of checking. I lost the misery, started taking better care of myself, got my own social life going. Stopped being such a doormat, learnt how to be firm but calm when dealing with my wife's crap behaviour.

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How long did you beg and plead for? What changes did she notice? My wife noticed yesterday that I was happier, howling would you go without contact?

 

Sorry for all the questions but I do like the advice you give!

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How long did you beg and plead for? What changes did she notice? My wife noticed yesterday that I was happier, howling would you go without contact?

 

Sorry for all the questions but I do like the advice you give!

 

IMO, she can see you are a like a lovesick puppy at the moment, man up!

 

Make sure, there are no OM in the picture. I don't like the way she is talking about guys running after her, it's a huge red flag and also totally disrspectful to you. A woman cannot love someone she doesn't respect, seriously!!

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How long did you beg and plead for? What changes did she notice? My wife noticed yesterday that I was happier, howling would you go without contact?

 

Sorry for all the questions but I do like the advice you give!

 

Yea I'm curious too.. how long did you do the whine/beg/plead thing?

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she said I should stop focusing on her and start focusing on myself like she is! [sIZE=3] [/sIZE]

 

Actually that's damn good advice.

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No other guys on the scene that I’m sure of, she wants me to know I have lost a good thing, she can be very spiteful verbally! And she does tend to lash out!

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[quote=russell1968;3202446

 

How long would you go without any contact?

 

Lawyer up, get a fair agreement for your daughters (50/50), it sounds harsh but your wife will respect you for it.

 

Drop her like a bad habit, only contact regarding kids, let her initiate all other contact. Don't respond to any texts, let all calls go to voicemail. If it's important call her back maybe after an hour or two. Don't be nasty, always be pleasant but in a hurry. eg Wife I'd love to talk but I'm on my way out (be vague don't say where). Make her wonder about you for a change. Join a meetup.com group go out in mixed groups, buy new clothes, get a new hobby, reconnect with old friends.

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I also responded on your other thread. The I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you speech usually only comes for one reason. Nuff said on that. You know your wife, I don't.

 

Now, research the 180. Don't use it as a bible, but take aspects of it and use it. As I said you know your wife, she needs to see a positive, upbeat, happy guy. She needs to realize that she CAN be happy with you. She also needs to see that you'll be fine without her. Needless to say NO MORE pleading, begging, late night phone calls, gifts etc. Drop the relationship talk also.

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Ok, this is going to be my new strategy, minimum contact!! I will be vague and distant but friendly; I’m fed up being a baby about this, im going to take some power back!

Also I already had a legal agreement written up, as I’m quit savvy when it comes to matters like this .

 

Great advice guys, really genuinely appreciate your help, please keep it coming

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Ok, this is going to be my new strategy, minimum contact!! I will be vague and distant but friendly; I’m fed up being a baby about this, im going to take some power back!

Also I already had a legal agreement written up, as I’m quit savvy when it comes to matters like this .

 

Great advice guys, really genuinely appreciate your help, please keep it coming

 

be strong and hang in there!!

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No other guys on the scene that I’m sure of, she wants me to know I have lost a good thing, she can be very spiteful verbally! And she does tend to lash out!

 

I'm going to caution you...long term experience on this site and others has shown me that many, many, many times when you hear that "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech, there's another person.

 

We've seen this same situation play out countless times here, where a poster will come insisting that it's simply not possible that there is an OM (other man)...only to come back days/weeks/months later telling us that we were right.

 

I'm not calling you out...not at all.

 

I'm just cautioning you that very often people in the situation you're in find out things about their spouse that they would have never, ever believed.

 

With that said, I'd suggest digging to find out more on that front.

 

The "pull back" plan can also work in your favor. Let her linger on the positive interactions you've had the last few times, and make her feel like she's "lost something" through her choices/actions.

 

Work on being more self-sufficient. This has to benefits...one, it makes you more attractive to her. Two, it prepares you for reality if the seperation moves into divorce.

 

Just curious, and I mean no insult here...but have either one of you had a history of infidelity of any kind in prior relationships?

 

A lot of times you'll find that there's some kind of history around that with one or the other partners in situations like this, and that can definitely be a factor in recovering or not.

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No, no infidelity,in either of our historys she has said to me several times as long as one of us doesn’t cheat this is still repairable.

 

I could be wrong! I mean since we have separated, but she does take care of two very young children, one youngest is only 17 months,

 

I will update everyone as I implement these changes!

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Hey Guys,

 

I’m started the 180 this morning when my wife came round to pick up the kids, it’s hard but I did it!

The trouble being I’m starting to feel quit a bit of resentment towards her as she seems happy even though this could be a front!

 

But she has split a young family apart and seems to be enjoying herself.

 

Maybe a fresh start is what I need? Maybe I’m just scared of being alone, and being single and 42 is scarey!

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