sleep.less Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 (edited) My bf of 5 years and I broke up Mid Nov '10 when he married behind my back. (My Ex comes from a cultural background, where the parents & family plays a big role in deciding one's partner for life! I am told his step father was very instrumental in forcing us apart!) In our frantic exchange of mails, in our last days together, he maintained he loved me, that though we had lost, he was not ready to accept it but now had no courage left to face me! Then I really struggled to understand what he meant, but the confusion came to an end when his uncle informed me, that my ex was married now (.. he also said, his wife read my mail to my ex and hence we shouldn't communicate anymore! I have a feeling my ex did this deliberately, to indirectly apprise his wife of whatever we shared!). It was a big blow to me, and I felt he betrayed my faith! What followed was a killing but very necessary no contact! I struggled a lot the entire december, coping with a nervous breakdown, but eventually decided to accept the new reality of my life, may be he never really loved me enough. But things were not meant to be that easy.... for on new years (Jan 1st) I received a mail from my ex, he had not wished me new years, nothing of sorts, but he had pasted the "cuppy cake jingle" [!!??!!!*******] lyrics to me... (I love you, so I want you to know I'll always be right here....) I read it and i just ignored it and never replied back. It just didnt stir any emotion in me! And I thought this was enough to discourage him, but no... I was so stupid in believing so, for 3 days down the line, I received a call from his mother, very lovingly enquiring about my well being. In fact she had the audacity to say, don't we share a bond???!!! I was very upset, and in a very firm but dignified manner, I asked her to not call me back again. She constantly tried to explain things to me, that atleast listen to me, he was very helpless, but I didnt listen to her and disconnected the call. .....now since, I am all confused & disturbed! I just can not figure out what exactly do they want out of me! Is it that he's feeling guilty and is doing all of this only to reduce his guilt and my pain? Or is he genuinely trying to come back & amend things? Also, is it even worth the pain, for he's already a married man now? And am I right in not encouraging any communication from their end or even hearing them out? (I feel they're communicating to me because the wife's probably back to her parents' house for a break! And am sure once she's back, they will go back to no contact!) I am confused and miserable! Also, the interesting thing is till date my ex has not confessed to me or uttered in front of me that he's married now! And one thing, please do not say 'think of the 3rd person involved...' I have had enough of it so far (...I have nothing against her but pls remember it's she who's replaced me, not the other way round! And I am not even coming their way.... despite the hurt, I have maintained a strict NC, more for her than me!), it hurts me for I am the one, who's under severe trauma - emotional, mental and physical and it is my life that is disturbed, and it is my heart that is hurt and it was me who was wronged..... I am already vulnerable, and right now not in a state of mind to shoulder responsibility of others and their happiness.....! Edited January 8, 2011 by sleep.less Link to post Share on other sites
Keridan Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 I'm very sorry for what you are going through! That is an incredibly tough situation! You seem to be handling it as well as can be expected. You must be a very tough person. I think you have to keep up NC at all costs here. There isn't anything to be gained with a man who is married to someone else and couldn't be trusted anyway. His family is probably trying to be nice and get rid of some guilt, but that is their lookout, it's not good for you. Just keep up telling them politely to leave you alone. You are doing things right, but the situation is wrong and I'm sorry. Don't let their emotional baggage make you feel worse, however. I'm sorry again. It's rough. I hope that you can find your space and feel better! Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 My bf of 5 years and I broke up Mid Nov '10 when he married behind my back. (My Ex comes from a cultural background, where the parents & family plays a big role in deciding one's partner for life! This still happens??? I would never marry someone I didn't love. Did you and your bf talk about marriage? I'm not sure how old you are. I'm guessing your still in your 20's? Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Have you looked into his cultural background to help you understand what that part of it is? Maybe it would help you understand if what he did was true. As long as he is married, there isn't much you can do except work on things to help you move forward. It isn't easy & it's not fun but you will make it, we all do even if at this time you don't see how. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleep.less Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 I'm very sorry for what you are going through! That is an incredibly tough situation! You seem to be handling it as well as can be expected. You must be a very tough person. I think you have to keep up NC at all costs here. There isn't anything to be gained with a man who is married to someone else and couldn't be trusted anyway. His family is probably trying to be nice and get rid of some guilt, but that is their lookout, it's not good for you. Just keep up telling them politely to leave you alone. You are doing things right, but the situation is wrong and I'm sorry. Don't let their emotional baggage make you feel worse, however. I'm sorry again. It's rough. I hope that you can find your space and feel better! Thank you for your warmth and words, Keridan! I hope I am able to survive this, because everything he's doing now is making matters worst for me. He's married and will move on, if he hasn't already, but his recent gestures are holding me back from moving on! Why would someone do this? He couldn't fight for me and now he's not even letting me leave? Isn't it very unfair to be so selfish to only think in terms of your life.... or is it that he's wants to get rid of his guilt and my pain? That he's doing this out of pity to make my life easy, by giving me an opportunity to now reject him? It hurts me terribly! Suddenly everything looks wrong! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleep.less Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 This still happens??? I would never marry someone I didn't love. Did you and your bf talk about marriage? I'm not sure how old you are. I'm guessing your still in your 20's? I am 31 going 32 and he's 34 going 35! And yes it still happens, especially in his part of the world! And yes we did talk about marriage, we wanted to settle down asap, but couldnt for we were waiting for our families to get fine with the idea. (His mother & his uncle still maintain, my ex was very helpless and he fought back, but his step father made matters worse by putting his mum in the dock!) Anyway, it's all come to an end, whether I like it or not! What hurts me the most is, this happened behind my back, he lied to me..... and he still claims he loves me! Probably he's doing it out of pity, and get rid of his guilt..... because now I have almost begun to blv he never loved me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleep.less Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 (edited) Have you looked into his cultural background to help you understand what that part of it is? Maybe it would help you understand if what he did was true. As long as he is married, there isn't much you can do except work on things to help you move forward. It isn't easy & it's not fun but you will make it, we all do even if at this time you don't see how. Yes! I learnt quite a lot about his culture and customs in our life together. But the current turn of events, have left me completely confused. There can be so many reasons.... 1. The circumstances were really bad as his family claims 2. Or at 35, he was tired of waiting.... 3. Or he loved me, but eventually fell out of love 4. Or may be the option his family offered was way more lucrative 5. Or may be he didn't love me and was lying all along 6. Or he was too weak to resist his family and the pressure! ....I blvd it was perfect, but at the same time now I can not even forget that he lied to me for 2 long months! He hid things from me! Infact, till date he's not told me he's married! And in his last mail to me, he said no miracles happening for us, ATLEAST FOR NOW! (Which means he was giving me hopes, may be later or he was being his usual self, lying to me!) Whatever it was, I feel humiliated! The worst is I don't have a sense of right or wrong left in me! I am all messed up in my head, and doubt if I'll ever be able to trust anybody! Edited January 8, 2011 by sleep.less Link to post Share on other sites
norm28 Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 The worst is I don't have a sense of right or wrong left in me! I am all messed up in my head, and doubt if I'll ever be able to trust anybody! You will, but it will take time. Unfortunately time is a 4 letter word, if you know what I mean. I know it's hard not to feel humiliated, but remember, he is the one who lied, and not you. At the end of the day you'll realize that he is the one who should feel humiliated, not you. Just keep moving forward and eventually you'll start to feel better, but there's no getting around the fact that it will suck in the meantime. Good luck and take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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