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Dated Person 2 Years Separated From 12 year Relationship -


dontdateseparatedppl

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dontdateseparatedppl

After a year of dating her (on her 2nd year of separation), I wrote an email saying I'd have to say goodbye because technically she was still married. I didn't begin the relationship knowing she (we are both women) was still technically in a "domestic partnership," as she had told me that she was "divorced" when I met her. She told me she was only separated a few months into dating her.

 

Long story short, (there is an 8 year old child) I wrote my then gf an email saying that I'd have to say goodbye because of her legal loose ends (still being technically married), and she showed up at my door the next am at like 7am - having taken the day off, her first in 14 years, to assure me she was consulting with her attorneys blah blah blah . . . so I remained with her and continued dating. One and a half months later (we'd been dating 13 months) - Halloween creeps closer, and over a span of two weeks I let roll (ignore) some statements that become the straws that break the camel's back: "family photos went well," (< something to that effect) and "I asked them if I could go trick or treating with them." On these two separate occasions when I heard these statements, I held back choking feelings and went about my business --- but then hearing about the trick or treat plan without being invited was the last straw (not to mention my thought, "family photos WTF?! < turns out those were required by the child's school) --- so I send a series of emails to my gf, which escalate after she avoids or answers my questions wrong --- and finally she writes: we're over. i'm done.

 

Wow. . . . . Nice. 6 weeks now, no contact. She apparently doesn't want me in her life. Don't do this folks - say you're divorced when you're actually separated, and when your new gf starts to push you (<< my fault, shouldn't have pushed?) or gets upset -- call it quits? I shoulda known that 12 years and a 2 year separation w/ not following thru with an official dissolution was a RED FLAG!!! Fooled me twice -- shame on me.

 

Will I ever get a followup communication? Breakup over MY own pissed off rant (justified?) email . . . I'm left with a few WTFs ?!?

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Relationshps are easy to get into ~ hard to maintain ~ and can even be even more diffictult to get out of?

 

Factor in same sex relationships? You can multiply that by a factor of 20 or more?

 

Add a previous so-called "normal" relationship into it (Whatever the Hell that is?) and toss in a couple of children from someone else? And you've got yourself a mess on your hands!

 

Not just a mess ~ not just a Bobcat ~ but a By-God Lynx ~ a supped up for real wild-cat!

 

Your best bet is too cut your losses and run!

 

Its hard enough being in a so-called normal relationship! Being in a same sex relationship is a mother-trucker! I've seen it time and time again and it's nothing but a heart breaker!

 

Your best bet is to forget her and move on with your Life!

 

You've got a clear and perfect idea of who and what you are!

 

She doesn't

 

You know who and the person you are!

 

She doesn't!

 

You know who you are and what your all about!

 

She doesn't!

 

Your confident and self assured!

 

She's not!

 

Your self actualizing and self assured!

 

She's not!

 

Forget her!

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dontdateseparatedppl

Yup. Agreed. Oh, what is the future of relationships? . . . They're all over the map and every which way . . . Sigh . . . Yeah. Puttin' on my tennis shoes and doin' the brisk walk / run - Tryin' to laugh it off -

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Other than the fact I am a guy I had a very similar situation to you - scary almost how close. She has a 7 year old, 10 year marriage, separated for 2 but wayyyyy too close were her hubby for my tastes (dinners, events together, "he's my husband without the romance" was one quote). We had planned something long term then she started to hestitate because of her hubby's jealous streak then she found her own sexual interest in women while still leading her not quite ex-H on badly.

 

There is a selfish/wild side in all of us I suppose and sometimes the grass isnt greener for these people when they consider life changes hard enough. And some, like my ex-, seem more confused than most. She's been with a few women and men in the past year from what I hear and is still treating people badly as she disposes of them trying to find that validating relationship that can make her happy.

 

Sorry that I dont have a truly happy reconciliation ending story for you - we split, I was hurt badly, and we have had NC for six months and I am feeling 99% back to normal now.

 

I think your best bet is to disappear from her life for a while and let her work out what she wants.

 

All the best in whatever happens.

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dontdateseparatedppl

In this instance, what makes me feel guilty and horrible the most is that I confronted her in the form of some terrorizing emails because I felt that she knew how concerned I was that she hadn't made any moves (I gave her an ultimatum 2 months prior, to which she responded somewhat dramatically saying she'd taken steps . . . ) I had a camel's back breaking episode over hearing words which I think ANY person would have taken caution to explain whilst they were dating while "separated" -- I think the words "family photos" and trick or treating in the old hood with the old friends and old neighbors might have alerted any compassionate person to E-X-P-L-A-I-N delicately to the person they purported to love . . . but before I could get any explanation (perhaps she would have explained, and even asked me to go trick or treating), I went into high rant gear and I think, took my girlfriend's head off.

 

I gave her the excuse to take the MORAL High Road. Yes, the person who was dating while married --- got the moral high road. Instead of me saying, oh go F yourself with all of this total BS, I gave her the blank sheet of paper to write F me -- I laugh and cry because I should have been calm and in 5 words or less said, " see ya." 20/20 hindsight -- Anyway, it's been 6 and a half weeks with NC.

 

Thanks for the support, the heart is heavy. I adored the kid as well --- and actually --- I really liked the Ex. Damn it. We coulda been the modern family. (<<< and what the HELL is that all about these days? Eg - Bruce Willis / Demi Moore / Kutcher . . . the movie, the Kids are Alright . . . Modern Family Schmamily -- it's all so effing confusing.)

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In this instance, what makes me feel guilty and horrible the most is that I confronted her in the form of some terrorizing emails because I felt that she knew how concerned I was that she hadn't made any moves (I gave her an ultimatum 2 months prior, to which she responded somewhat dramatically saying she'd taken steps . . . ) I had a camel's back breaking episode over hearing words which I think ANY person would have taken caution to explain whilst they were dating while "separated" -- I think the words "family photos" and trick or treating in the old hood with the old friends and old neighbors might have alerted any compassionate person to E-X-P-L-A-I-N delicately to the person they purported to love . . . but before I could get any explanation (perhaps she would have explained, and even asked me to go trick or treating), I went into high rant gear and I think, took my girlfriend's head off.

 

I gave her the excuse to take the MORAL High Road. Yes, the person who was dating while married --- got the moral high road. Instead of me saying, oh go F yourself with all of this total BS, I gave her the blank sheet of paper to write F me -- I laugh and cry because I should have been calm and in 5 words or less said, " see ya." 20/20 hindsight -- Anyway, it's been 6 and a half weeks with NC.

 

Thanks for the support, the heart is heavy. I adored the kid as well --- and actually --- I really liked the Ex. Damn it. We coulda been the modern family. (<<< and what the HELL is that all about these days? Eg - Bruce Willis / Demi Moore / Kutcher . . . the movie, the Kids are Alright . . . Modern Family Schmamily -- it's all so effing confusing.)

 

Hi there is a certain amount of selfishness in all of us that may in your case have as an added element her questioning "what does my future with another woman look like" that is hard to overcome for someone making that lifestyle change. Who knows really??

 

In any event I did take the high road - I said calmly that her wanting to bring her hubby to a week long vacation in Mexico and also to have him sleep over on Xmas eve was not a possibility for us in a relationship moving forward. She would apologize (sort of) and then keep doing things that hurt me. Finally it ended, me heartbroken with NC and went high road all the way (I think) and her, well I am not sure what happened. Your NC will help you enormously.

 

I am sure she is wondering if she has done the right thing but having said that I found NC and moving on as rapidly as possible was enormously helpful. You will find a great person out there I am sure.

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dontdateseparatedppl

My ex left her 12 year relationship with a woman, and I, having dated someone who was only technically "separated" (gays can't marry in CA - only domestically partner), was the other woman . . . who finally had a small meltdown, to which her gf caved and said "we're over." That was the test -- and "as-if" it was her choice to run (I was headed in that direction, first ;) -- she ran, and had the audacity for moral high-horsedness.... I can't stop replaying it all in my head (even though this happened in email) - never had the real closure talk. . . . . and yeah -- week 7 NC. Takes a lot of willpower. I'm grateful for responses from you guys. Thanks.

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