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what I am feeling: conflicting emotions and estrangment


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Hello, everyone. I have posted several times before about my ongoing saga with my husband's decision that he does not love me, his emotional affair with my best friend and his feelings to divorce.

 

What I really need help with now is not insight as to what HE is feeling, but rather what I am feeling. For over a year, I have lived with his self-imposed isolation (sleeping in our guest room) and his choice to exclude himself from family activities. It was my conscious choice not to begin divorce proceedings myself, hoping that with time and space, he would find his way back to me. During the past few months, I have spent time concentrating and focusing on myself and have begun visualizing myself and our children living without him. Our house is up for sale and I am now realizing that I am truly ready to "move on," with or likely without him.

 

And guess what? I'm not quite so afraid anymore! I am young (well, 44) healthy, compassionate and fairly attractive and I believe that I will be okay, regardless of him. (Okay, most of the time I feel this way ... I still have my insecurities about all of it, too)

 

The curious development is that the further I move away emotionally and physically, the closer he comes toward me. He says it is because he is "trying" in his own way but lately all it does is make me want to get away from him. I have been SO hurt by him the past 2 years and I'm truly not sure how I feel about him. I tell myself that I was "giving him time and space" to come back to me and now I'm not sure it's what I want.

 

???

 

What are these conflicting emotions all about? Has anyone experienced this and decided to STAY in their marriage? I know most people would say that we should be in counseling, but my husband will not take this route. I see a therapist regularly and am working through these feelings, but I was really interested in what people on this site would tell me.

 

Thanks again for listening!

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You definitely show signs of healing and moving on... When we take time to nurture ourselves and develop a sense of self AWAY from our SO, we truly learn what we really want from someone. It sounds to me like you have realized that he isn't what you want anymore.

 

You feel somewhat of a pull towards him when he says he's "trying" because maybe it reminds you of times when things were good between you two. People typically don't change and the fact that he refuses to go to counseling is a red flag that changing isn't something he's ready for right now.

 

My best advice to you would be to follow your heart! If being away from him makes you feel like a better person, then go through with the divorce proceedings. After all the hurt you've been through, you deserve to be happy. Good luck!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Kay,

 

When your husband says he is "trying," what exactly is he trying to do? Get you back? Save the marriage? If that would be his answer, then I would say that it's not enough. Those goals are only to meet HIS needs, and they have little to do with yours.

 

The question is, is he trying to understand and meet YOUR needs, that he has been ignoring for the past years?

 

Perhaps he is now showing signs of regret that the marriage is coming to an end. But does he show any signs of regret for the hurt he has caused you? Where is your voice, and your pain in this crumbling marriage? Is there are legitimate place for these needs if the marriage were maintained? In other words, does he really care about you?

 

clearly your superficial needs for being a "Wife" and "mother" will still be met if you stay in the marriage, and that is worth quite a bit. But your other needs for being recognized as a whole person with legitimate feelings would have to stay dormant.

 

Many people are in relationships where their needs as whole people are not met by their partners. Many, many people live as silent partners in a relationship that is emotionally unfulfilling. Doesn't mean they are making a mistake -- for many of these people staying in the marriage is better than facing the fear of leaving.

 

I found a website and forum set up by a psychologist for people in such relationships that you might want to visit:

 

http://www.voicelessness.com

 

 

Good luck.

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