Newly Separated, not sure how I got here..

[johnmo]

I have recently joined this forums and enjoyed greatly all the threads/advice I have been reading. I find myself newly separated, living in a city where I have very few friends, and struggling through all this. Just a not-so-quick story for all:

 

My wife and I are in our early 30's with no kids.. We have been married for 3.5 years, been together for 8 We have recently moved to another state for her job/career last year. We are both hard-working professionals. Several months ago, we attempted to have children, my wife became pregnant, but then had a miscarriage 1 week later. This was devastating for her and I could never even pretend to begin to think how this has affected her. However, what was most revealing was the fact that when she found out she was pregnant, she was not happy/excited but burst out in tears but became upset that this has happened. Per her, she figured out that this emotion came to her because she was not sure of our marriage. After the miscarriage, she wanted to go to marital counseling. Before our first sessio however, things became worse and she no longer wanted to hug, kiss, say "I Love you", cuddle in bed, or do much of anything. It came to a point where we were planning on going away for the weekend, but she did not want to go because, which I found out afterwards, was that she could not stand the thought of hanging out with me on vacation.

 

I prodded her and she said things such as she was not sure she was in love with me anywhere, we are just really good roomates and that is it. She state d she was not attracted to me anymore and does not think she could ever have sex with me again. We never had a good sex life, even since we were married, only doing it 1/month or so. There was never a lack of interest on my side, however our jobs are time consuming and cause lack of sleep, which is what I thought was always the problem.

 

Obviously this all came as a sudden shock to me (It always seems to be a shock to the man in the relationship). We proceeded onto counseling, but this also only brought up more questions and has not really changed much. I told her that I was tired of living in this limbo and wanted to take some concrete actions to either improve or separate. When I brought up separation, she thought it was a good idea, so that is what we did. Due to our living situation and the inability to break our lease currently, we are now living in separate rooms of the house, only ocassionaly talking about bills, our dogs, and once-in-awhile buying food for eachother.

 

I still love her very much, but I do feel things dying inside of me. Maybe we were too different to get married in the first place? Was she always not attracted to me but faked it or talked herself into it?

 

There was never any cheating (at least on my side, and I highly doubt on her side but there is of course no way to know for sure). No abuse. No Money problems. No jealousy over job/income as we make the same. She still states that I am a great husband and anyone would be lucky to have me. She also started crying, stating that she is mad at herself for not being able to love me and be attracted to me.

 

Of course I am also at fault. I have been depressed during the winter months as I did not have many friends in the area since we moved here a year ago and did not go out alot. Over the last 2-3 months, I have been doing more things, joined a gym, working out much more, met some friends with whom I have been hanging out with some. I feel better about myself, ironically at the same time my marriage is falling apart.

 

Also, I think I pressured her into trying to get pregnant. I always see myself as a father and wanted to have children. I thought my wife wanted children as she said so when were were getting together and getting married, but maybe she doesnt? When it finally came to trying, she was very reluctant but I think talked herself into it.

 

I do not see our marriage ending well. I am still wanting to be married to her but Im not sure how long to keep this up for. How long should I try to work on things? When do people cut and run? I still want to have children but would like to still be young when it happens.

What is this falling out of love thing that happens? And if we recover, wont it happen again when something changes or we are in a dull patch of life?

 

This was very cathartic to write. Thanks for having this forum!

Edited September 13, 2010 by johnmo

[HopelessinDTW]

Johnmo: You story is similar to many other's here, so you will get a lot of good advice from people who have been in your situation. What was the result of the MC? It seems like she has lost all interest in you, but it seems to stem from the miscarriage? Perhaps she's just saying that because she feels like it's her fault, and doesn't know how your marriage can last if she cannot have a child? This is a very complicated thing, and there can also be things in her past that keeps her from getting into a serious relationship altogether. My best advice is to try to get bakc into MC if you can. See if there is anyhting there htat can help you're marriage, if it looks like it's going to be nearly impossible for anything to be salvaged...then you must seek divorce and move on with your life. You are still young, and there is no point in trying to save something that isn;t there. Good luck to you

[johnmo]

Johnmo: You story is similar to many other's here, so you will get a lot of good advice from people who have been in your situation. What was the result of the MC? It seems like she has lost all interest in you, but it seems to stem from the miscarriage? Perhaps she's just saying that because she feels like it's her fault, and doesn't know how your marriage can last if she cannot have a child? This is a very complicated thing, and there can also be things in her past that keeps her from getting into a serious relationship altogether. My best advice is to try to get bakc into MC if you can. See if there is anyhting there htat can help you're marriage, if it looks like it's going to be nearly impossible for anything to be salvaged...then you must seek divorce and move on with your life. You are still young, and there is no point in trying to save something that isn;t there. Good luck to you

 

Thanks for the response. I think most of this started before the MC, it started when she found out she was pregnant (MC was 1-2 weeks later). This is what makes me think that not much is salvageable. Im wondering if she ever was really in love with me or that it was just easier to get married? This is what goes through my brain over and over.

[lee777]

If you want advice, here it is.

 

The fact that she's still living in the house with you tells me that she still values you! And no, she's not there because you're stuck in a lease. When a woman doesn't love her husband (especially in her early 30's without children), she packs her bags and gets out.

 

It's time to play hardball.

 

Move out immediately!

No Emotions!

No Contact!

Continue to work out ... get f*ckin ripped!

 

When you're in shape, other women will treat you differently. MARK THESE WORDS DOWN. This new attraction will give you confidence that you haven't had in years. This new confidence will lead to anew you in the way you talk and treat your wife during this incredibly difficult time in your life. Close your heart to her NOW, and keep it closed until she ask you about divorce. Read on ...

 

Display to her that you'll be fine without her. She'll start calling you ... asking what you're doing. When she does call, be nice and keep the convo to 5 min or less. Start thinking of an excuse to get off the phone with her as soon as she calls. SHE WILL CALL, AND SHE WILL BE SINGING A NEW TUNE. Make her understand and realize that you can live without her. When she comments on your body, tell her that you're happy, and you enjoy this new you. This will drive her crazy!

 

Now listen to me ... do not file for divorce, do not bring up the topic! Wait for her to ask if you want a divorce (she will ask you this). Tell her "hell no", that's not what you want, and watch what happens. When a woman ask her husband if he wants a divorce, it means she's second guessing herself. At this point you got her back and you can open your heart to her again. Ask her out to dinner, and then after drinking a glass of vino, tell her how much you love her and how important she is to you. Remember, she's a cat, and how do you get a cat on your lap ... here kitty, kitty, kitty.

 

This doesn't work for everyone, but in your case, it's different. Meow!

Edited September 14, 2010 by lee777