Georgiao Posted July 29, 2003 Share Posted July 29, 2003 Hi I wrote sometime in April about my separation and my husband's illness. Since March until early July, we gave each other the requisite space and time to reflect on our issues. Finally, I phoned him to meet and discuss the status of our marriage. I was always hoping that our separation would be temporary and that with time, he would eventually come home to me. Well he has decided to not return to our home and marriage. He has decided that he will assume a year's lease at another apartment. I asked him what needed to be changed in order for him to return. He indicated "everything". I probed him further to ask him to spell out in more detail what everything meant. He could not or would not elaborate. There is no other woman involved in our separation. My spouse was ill, not life threatening, but on chemotherapy and with that was clinically depressed. He lost his hair, his self-image and self-identity was and is to some degree still shaky. He has maintained though that he is happier, physically and emotionally with our separation and that dealing with me only increases his stress level. He has told me in no uncertain terms that he wants to sever all ties with me, our beloved dogs, friends, financial stability and my family. He has acknowledged that he knows that he is throwing away alot by not coming back but he has said that this should tell me how hell-bent he is in not returning. He blames me for the majority of our problems during the marriage. I told him unequivocally that I would not accept 100% of the blame and that both of us failed in the marriage. He was able to name one things he disliked in me......according to him, my "constant bitching". This is his third marriage and has a history of running when the going gets tough. Coupled with his fear of commitment and his illness, both physically and emotionally, I have come to terms about his decision and decided that I need to get on with my life. I have written long letters to him, outlining my position and asking forgiveness and acknowledging where I went wrong. I know that I have given it my best shot and for the sake of my emotional welfare and SELF-RESPECT, I have to let go. I still love him a great deal and would have proverbially moved mountains to save the marriage. I have told him that I don't want a divorce and that the door is always open for him. But I know deep down that I need to let go and finally move on. Believe me, it has been difficult for me and I have those days that are dark and gloomy and my heart feels so heavy. I take each day as it comes and recite the serenity prayer to myself daily. I have really good friends that have fully supported me. I can honestly say to myself that I gave it my all and if he can't or won't see my worth as a human being, then maybe he is NOT the man for me. Just thought I would let you know the final chapter of this part of my life. I am looking at the next chapter with some fear, trepidation, excitement and restrained enthusiasm. It is really hard to let go of dreams, expectations and thoughts of growing old together. I am a young 47 and hope someday to meet someone who will love me for who I am, flaws and all. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 29, 2003 Share Posted July 29, 2003 damn, Georgia, I can't imagine making the kind of sacrifice that you are making for your husband ... but I think you are a very loving, brave and STRONG person, and I'm pulling for you. It sucks hearing that he would prefer to tuck his tail in and run from his problems, but I hope that in the midst of all this he comes to realize what a gem of a woman you are and choses to give your life together a second chance. In the meantime, don't close your heart because of the selfish and unexplainable actions someone you love decides to take, don't let him take that away from you, too. When all is said and done, you can honestly say that you've loved despite the hardships it brought. I wish you the best of luck, Georgia. We're here whenever you need us ... jo anne Link to post Share on other sites
Author Georgiao Posted July 30, 2003 Author Share Posted July 30, 2003 Thanks Joanne, I am not that brave or courageous in alot of ways. I didn't have much choice in his decision to not continue the marriage. However, I do thank you for your very kind words and support. This healing path that I am on is difficult and even though I still love him and I am hopeful to some degree (about 5%), I know that I have no choice but to move on. I need to heal my wounds, repossess my self and gain a new life, without him. Pain and heartache, as difficult and agonizing as they may, do allow for more empathy and love for others. I certainly wish my pain to go away fast, but I know that there are no quick solutions. Link to post Share on other sites
serena Posted July 31, 2003 Share Posted July 31, 2003 Just wanted to let you know that I can relate a lot of what you said- my husband and I are on the verge of separation-I am 30 and he is 28, there is no other woman, either, and he blames me 100% for everything and also my "constant bitching". I started going to counseling, etc. and begged him to go with me but to no avail.-we live like roomates and I don't know what to do-tonight I was practically begging him to hold my hand or give me a hug and he would not do it-we have no affection between us or communication-kind of like what you stated that your husband would not talk to you about things I, too, have written letters to him, etc. to try and express myself that way since the verbal way wasn't doing anything but creating arguments or he would just walk away and tell me to quit whining. It almost seems like he doesn't care if I stay in the house or if we go on like this for several more years. I am getting older and would like children, but I know I do not want to bring kids into this marriage. I have no family here and no one to talk to other than the counselor so it is very hard on me. Sounds like you did all you could do in your situation beyond the call of duty- Just be strong... Link to post Share on other sites
Kay Posted July 31, 2003 Share Posted July 31, 2003 Hi, Georgiao and Serena- Just saw your posts and wanted you both to know that you are not alone in your situations. I am 44, married 20 years, 2 teenagers and living like roommates with my husband. Two years ago, he told me he didn't love me and wanted a divorce; last year he moved into our guest room. 7 months later, we're still separated physically but he has not filed. I'm sure you can relate to "living in limbo." I, too have written countless letters, tried to be supportive, kind and understanding - mostly because I want to set a good example for my daughter (16) and son (13) and to show them how their Mom handled adversity with dignity. Some people, even on this website, have told me I need to move on but like both of you, it is so hard when you genuinely feel that your marriage is salvagable. Unfortunately, as those of us in this situation have to come to realize, it takes two people to make a marriage work, as well as to make a marriage fail. Please keep in touch and know that many people care. Every person deserves to be loved for who they are. Kay Link to post Share on other sites
Georgiao2 Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 Hi Kay, Right now, I am in anguish and mourning greatly. I am learning to accept that my marriage is over. It is very difficult since I have feelings for my spouse. It appears that he has gone on with his life and blocked out any feelings towards me. A close cousin of mine was in contact with him and according to her, my spouse has reached a level of inner contentment and peace. He appears to be very happy and future oriented, which unlike me, I have obsessed about what went wrong in the past. He is aware of how grief-stricken and hurt I am but he has not initiated any kind of contact. I suppose this is the best since any kind of contact with him would only open my emotional wounds. I take each day as it comes and I do have some very, very dark days. I haven't been able to sleep without medication and eat very little. Can anyone offer any more advice to this horrible, painful situation?? Link to post Share on other sites
Kay Posted August 6, 2003 Share Posted August 6, 2003 The best advice I can offer you is to try as hard as you can to focus on yourself. Pay less attention to what he is doing or not doing and more on what makes you happy, content, etc. I am walking in the same shoes as you and feel for you in ways that others can only imagine. Keep in touch. Kay Link to post Share on other sites
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