serena Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 I wrote in before but I have one question that I really need to get advice on: Okay, I am 30 and my husband and I have been married 6 years and we don't have any kids my main question is this: we have had problem and after problem-I am really contemplating separation - but here is the thing: I have asked him to go to marriage counseling but he adamantly refuses-not even a sacrifice for me and for us for just 30 minutes. I have been going to counseling by myself but- I know that I cannot fix our marriage by myself and have told him that-yet he still refuses. He also said that if one of us left and got a separation, there would never be any reconciliation between us. Do you think that in itself should lead to a separation=I mean there is NO affection between us and no real communication. He says he does not love me like a wife, yet he says that he "sometimes" wants me to leave and "sometimes" wants me to stay. I just don't want to go through all of these regrets and guilt if I am the one to leave, yet, I am getting older and I do want a family someday. If I stay here, things could go on like this for the next 6 years-just living like roomates. But if I leave, the though of him w/someone else makes me SO sad. If your spouse is refusing to get help and go to counseling, what would your next move be? Please help if you can, Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Jamie31 Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 It sounds like he has no interest in making this marriage work, so why should you? You have to think about your life and your happiness. Yeah, divorces and seperations are nasty, but if he isn't willing to try, I think he is making the decision right there for you. A marriage takes two and like yousaid, you can't do it by yourself. I would go ahead with the seperation. Then maybe after a few weeks, contact him and see if he is willing to work things out and seek counseling. And if he still isn't, then start making plans to move on with your life. You don't have any children together, so both of you can make a clean break and move on and you can finally be happy. There is no sense in staying married if you are not happy. It will just lead to other problems. And although i hate divorce, if I were in your shoes, I don't know what choice I would have either. He has to want it to work as bad as you do. I hope things work out the way you want them to. But if not, don't be afraid to take a stand and do what you have to do to make yourself happy. Link to post Share on other sites
helpseeker Posted July 24, 2003 Share Posted July 24, 2003 Sounds to me that if you stay it will end up being for nothing. If he cant give up 30 minutes to an hour for counseling, then he doesnt consider your relationship that important. You have no kids together so that makes it a little easier to quit before its too late. There are too many guys out there that will love you for who you are and know they want to be with you. You shouldnt have to put up with someone that isnt sure. I know its hard to take advice about relationships from other people, so it boils down to what you want to do. Me personally, I wouldnt stick around if my wife felt that way. Good Luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
km82794 Posted July 24, 2003 Share Posted July 24, 2003 Let me guess, he said "why do we need to counseling?", "Why should I go and have someone tell me what my problems are?, I know what my problems are". " I don't need some counselor to tell me I have a problem". Sound familiar? I've been there. The best advise I ever got was when someone told me.... Don't waste your time on a man who won't waste his time on you. My "ex" refused counseling, I left. I feel for you, but life will go on and get better. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 24, 2003 Share Posted July 24, 2003 Some folks call this an 'emotional divorce'. Sometimes one spouse can attend counselling, learn some strategies, and win the other spouse back (check out 'marriage builders' about this). I am dubious that this has much chance if one partner can't muster enough interest to even try. It might be time to cut your losses and quit wasting your life on this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Gray Posted July 24, 2003 Share Posted July 24, 2003 Unless I missed it, I don't think I know what the original problem was that led you to want to go to counseling... which is fine you don't need to share that. But I guess I would say, if you want to leave him, leave him for that problem if its big enough. I think him not wanting to go to counselling isn't reason enough alone to leave him. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of it. I wouldn't really be comfortable going to see a psychologist. I don't think theres anything wrong with them, but i myself just wouldn't want to go. Now, if he really is making it hard on you to save the marriage, theres obviously other issues going on and those might warrant it. I guess I'm just saying don't divorce him because he won't go to counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author serena Posted July 24, 2003 Author Share Posted July 24, 2003 thank you all for your advice on this. We have been living like roomates, basically just sharing expenses, separate bedrooms, etc. and he shows me NO affection. This is not just one problem, but several issues and problems that have developed over the years-mainly just that it seems we cannot live together (as my husband says that he loves me but not like a wife and cannot live with me). This is a problem that we cannot solve by ourselves. I actually left twice last year but did not actually separate, but came back both times. We really need a third party, someone unbiased (unlike family or friends) who can give counseling and some sense of direction. That way, even if things do not work out, we know we tried all we could. I have known him for 10 years and been married for 6-I think that even if he does not want to go, he could at least make some sort of sacrifice. He won't even go to a church with me at all. I know I definetely have my share of the blame, but it is 50/50 and at least I am trying. Maybe I can get the courage and the $ together to leave, but separation feels like going up a mountain and down the other side-and I haven't even started going up yet! It is very depressing... Link to post Share on other sites
Jamie31 Posted July 24, 2003 Share Posted July 24, 2003 Well, this is just one of life's curves that is hard. But you will get throught it. There have been tons of women in the past that have had to make the difficult choice to leave their no-good husbands and there will be many more in the future. They got through it and you will too. It's just a blessing that you don't have children. Like I said before, since you don't have children you can make a clean break from this man and find someone who you can start over with and who is willing to sacrifice for you. That's what marriage is all about. I know it's hard....I can't even imagine how hard it must be. But you have to do what you have to do to be happy. I promise...in a few years, you will look back and know you made the right decision. Who knows where you'll be by then. But if you don't leave him, look at where you could possibly be in 5 years. It's not pretty. life is too short to spend it miserable. You'll get through it. Just be strong and everytime you think about staying remember what a butthole he is. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
pandora Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 Hi Seems to me you have answered all your own questions. In my opinion you dont have a marriage to save! You live like room-mates? There is no affection/communication.? Exactly what is it you want to save? This guy is speaking volumes without uttering a word. Okay some people may find it difficult to consult professionals, but hey how far would you go for the one you loved? Sometimes the fear of being alone/starting again keeps us in unsatisfactory relationships. Overcoming that fear is better than spending your life wondering where you stand with your partner! Put your energies into planning the next stage of your life e.g. finding someone who will love and value you for who you are. Instead of trying to change a man who has no interest/intention of saving this relationship. Starting over is scary.... Have been there, but believe me it is well worth it. Your life/happiness is too precious to waste on this man, you are worthy of more. Good Luck x Link to post Share on other sites
Carly Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 I can't think of any better advice to give than what has already been posted. These are caring people who are seeing your problem with clarity -- and they all support you leaving him, as you should. I guess my only two bits to add is that you shouldn't be so dependent on couselling services to do this right. People have made it through all kinds of adversity -- including divorce -- before personal counselling became such a big booming business. Forget about getting your husband to counselling. Just go ahead, break free from this guy, and get on with a better life for yourself. Maybe you can pick up a book on separation at the bookstore, if you feel you need a littel extra advice. But you sound level- headed and would probablyl do just fine without the self-help books. A counsellor won't necessarily make things easier on you. You've got a tough task ahead for yourself, but I have a feeling you will succeed. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author serena Posted August 8, 2003 Author Share Posted August 8, 2003 I appreciate all your advice. It looks like, unfortunately, I am going to be the one to make the decision once again this time (and not my husband). I am trying to find a job right now before I move and that is very hard. I don't want to live around here because I have no family here and don't like it here anyway. I also have SO MUCH debt but I am not going to let that to hold me back. It is still very uncomfortable here in the meantime, and it is hard to know how to act around my husband. However, I know that I must focus on trying to find another job so I can leave. He doesn't believe me that I will go anywhere, and that just makes it worse. Well, thanks again for giving me the courage and I know that I have a long road ahead, I hope I will be alright. Link to post Share on other sites
Tree Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 Hmmm... I have heard from marriage counselors that it is really common for wives to bring in their husbands kicking and screaming to counseling. But usually, they open up without too much effort. I heard that from a marriage counselor - so that is straight from the horse's mouth! I'm 30F myself and my BF of 5 years (we live together - no kids) has consistently refused counseling. Perhaps buying a book and doing this as a couple would work instead? Oh, one other thing - it seems as if he is not sure he actually wants things to improve. If that is the case, then I am not sure how much luck you will have either bringing the horse to water or making him drink. I believe that many marriage counselors say that counseling works predominantly when both parties are committed to improving the relationship. If that is not the case, then you may be fighting a very difficult battle - rather than being on the same team together. One Q - why did you come back to the relationship? Do you feel that the transition is too hard? Do you believe you will not find someone else? From the sounds of it, you are relatively unecumbered (no childred), young, and interested in love. Given time, your interest will surely rouse a better candidate for your affection, if the current one refuses to cooperate. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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