should I stay or should I go?

[mixedupman]

New here, and looking for some help. Hopefully this is in the right forum!

 

Long story short, I'm a 39 year old man, have been married for 15 years and have two children, 10 and 14. Although I felt I loved my wife when I married her, I also had some doubts and felt pressured into saying yes, for fear that if I didn't commit and marry her, she would leave me, based on things that she said at the time. I was young. And I now come to regret my decision.

 

Over the years, our relationship has ever so slowly changed for the worse in many ways, to the point where we're now more roommates than spouses. We just go through the motions of daily life. There's no intimacy. And by that I don't just mean we haven't had sex for years and years, but there's no affection anymore. I have kept myself in good shape, while she has let herself slip and gain a lot of weight. We squabble and get on each other's nerves easily, and spend most of our time apart at home doing our own thing. I'm bored and thinking that I should have called it quits many years ago, but with the children in the picture, always thought I should keep on working on things and hopefully our relationship would get better. I don't think I love her anymore.

 

Now before you rush to judgement and tell me I should be making a bigger effort, hear me when I say I have tried. I have tried talking about my feelings, but I'm shot down as being overly sensitive. I try showing affection and she doesn't want any part of it. I do my share of the parenting and the household chores. When we argue, I treat her with respect and 'fight fair' yet she calls me all sorts of names and insults. Nothing seems to make much of a difference.

 

I am so tempted to have an emotional or physical affair, but I want to do the right thing and be man enough to call it quits with my wife before looking elsewhere for what I need. Note that despite a sexless marriage for the better part of 14 years, I have not strayed and had an affair, but I think the time has come that I can't go on forever feeling as I do.

 

What do I do? I don't think I want to live like this for another 14 years, but can't stand the thought of separating and the possible harm that would do to my kids. And I can't imagine the hurt this may cause her. But at the same time, while I don't want to be selfish, I don't know if I can or should keep living a lie and going through the motions in an unhappy marriage. Is this really the best for the kids? I am so confused.

 

Of course I can keep working on it and hope for the best, but for how long? Counselling might help, but we don't have the financial resources to pay for it, and I must say I'm sceptical that this would change things in the long term, given how little things have changed so far. What else can I try and for how long? Throwing 14 years away sounds so scary and stupid. But at the same time, staying for another 14 may be even dumber.

 

As you can see, I am thoroughly confused, but hurting badly and so much want to feel happy again. Any advice would be appreciated.

Edited May 23, 2010 by mixedupman

[DadofTwoGirls]

I can tell you one thing...she feels the same way about you and the situation she's in...guaranteed!!!

[tojaz]

You say you have tried everything. I would assume that means you have talked to her about her feelings and the reasons of her actions. Whats her side?

 

TOJAZ

[mixedupman]

Of course we've talked. Without getting into the specific details, she's got her frustrations in things I do and I've got frustrations in things she does. I don't want to imply that I'm blameless here, I'm not perfect. And I know she feels many of the same things about me. But we've been at this for years now and nothing seems to change, despite our efforts. I guess I'm wondering how long other folks keep on trying before calling it a day. I want to give it every chance, but wonder how others have handled these sorts of situations. After 14 years, the doubts are pretty regular now.

[lonely without him]

As a divorced mother, I can tell you if you both are not happy and there is no happy medium, then it's time to seperate. Your first priority is to make sure the kids know that this is not their fault and that you love them with all your heart and don't want to hurt them. Believe it or not even teenagers are affected by their parents argueing in front of them. You need to focus on your happiness and be able to be surrounded by the love you are looking for. Yes your wife will be upset, but after time things do smooth out and everyone is happy again. I hope this helps.

[You Go Girl]

Ok. Here's my question. Why has she been keeping you around?

Is this purely a monetary thing? or raising kids together and she doesn't want to do it on her own?

I'd like to know why she hasn't asked for a D herself. If she has zero affection for you, then it's either the kids or the money.