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My Progress (So to speak)


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11bgentleman

First off, I would like to thank everyone here for the input ya'll have provided. Just a brief background on my story. Throughout 2009 my X brought up separation and divorce several times. In September of 2009 I had enough and said ok. In a nutshell I got the I love you but I'm not in love with you speech. So she packed her things and left. I filed in November and in December it was final. We were married for about four and a half years and no kids.

 

I have been on a roller coaster since. To overcome the roller coaster I ended up taking the fitness route. I hit the gym three times a week and run twice a week. That is the only thing that has helped me sleep. I am eating right too. I saved up some money and I have funding available for more college. So I quit my job a couple weeks ago and I am going back to school.

 

When she left she said she would like for it to be an amicable divorce. She said she wanted us to be friends. I got all the stuff about me being her best friend for seven years but she just couldn't be married to me. To be honest, I tried to be friends. Since the divorce I tried to look at it as a friendship. I will admit it, I can't. I have too much resentment built up that it hurts me anytime I talk or see her. For about two weeks I did not hear a word from her. Then out of the blue she started contacting me. I tried to ignore it for a while but she kept on asking why. I told her it hurt too much to talk to her. She started crying and that made me feel worse. Did I go about it the wrong way? I mean when she asked for the divorce the last time, I couldn't handle it anymore. The pain was too much.

 

Am I wrong for feeling bad for doing this? She is the one that left me. Before she left I begged and pleaded with her to go to MC and try to work on it. She refused. Now when I completely cut all ties with her she gets upset. After this phone discussion the other day, I feel like all the progress I made has been thrown out the door. I kinda feel like she is playing me.

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Sorry for your situation...

 

When I first read this, I had to make sure it wasn't posted by me. Your situation is very similar to mine. My marriage didn't last as long, but pretty much everything you said mirrors what is going on in my life right now.

 

You are doing the right things. Concentrate on you. Working out, eating healthy, going to college, etc.... this is exactly what you should be doing. If you are like me, you will do fine for a while, then she contacts you and everything seems to go to ****. Just push through, you seem to be doing all the right things.

 

I made the mistake of letting my guard down recently. I had no contact with my soon-to-be-ex for weeks, then she started talking about how she missed me and had been thinking about all our good times. She ended up coming over and it really set me back.

 

My take on my situation is she is being selfish. She left, and maybe she was justified in doing so, but now she's just trying to keep a foot in the door... that just seems wrong to me. If things were bad enough to leave the marriage with no attempt at MC, why would she still want to be friends?

 

She jumped out of this marriage and now she seems to be having second thoughts. Understand, it doesn't mean she wants to come back... it means she has so little confidence in herself that she is doubting her decision. It has nothing to do with me or wanting to make things work. It has to do with the fact that she is alone and scared and I am her safety net - the thing she only wants and needs as a last resort.

 

I am also in college - as a 35 year old - and without that constant distraction, I think this would have been so much worse. I dread the summer and plan on traveling as much as possible.

 

Anyhoo, I know I'm rambling, but our situations are so similar I just wanted to offer you some words of encouragement and let you know my take on what I am going through.

 

Keep focusing on you... don't contact her and don't respond when she contacts you. I know you probably want her back, but that's not going to happen right now. I'm not saying it will never happen, but you have to only worry about yourself right now. It sounds selfish, but it's the only thing that's going to get you through...

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She left you with no attempt to resolve, a walk away. She made a committment to you for life then she left without trying to work things out first, why do you feel bad for not wanting to be her friend? Ask her if she would want to be freinds with someone who traeted her like that then go NC. Put yourself first b/c she certainly won't.

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trippi1432

After a 15 year relationship that was an emotional roller-coaster ride most of the time, going NC was the best thing for me with my STBXH. I had to actually call the cell phone company and have his number banned from my phone.

 

Work on you for you....there's lot's of people that would love to help....but ultimately, you control you and the choices you make. Don't ever feel guilty or ashamed of them. And don't do things drastically, you will get a lot of advice out there, but weigh each decision (sort of like a cost/benefit analysis of what is good for you and what is bad for you). Even that can help make decisions on which way to go with making major life decisions...even in relationships.

 

Good luck to you.

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seibert253

Yeah, you need to tell her you cannot heal and move on while staying in contact with her. Then act as if she fell off the face of the earth.

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You need to keep on doing what your doing and working on you and your life. After a train wreck like that? Its takes awhile to get your feet back underneath you.

 

Good to hear about PT'ing (Physical Training) you might want to step that up a bit a notch or two if you have time. And going back to college is a good thing, just make sure its in something that marketable or at least can turn into a way of making a living.

 

I live in a university town, and I see so many of these kids going to college, getting degrees in psychology, basket weaving, liberal arts. Then up tens of thousands of dollars in debt working jobs they could have gotten had they not gone to college.

 

Watch out for those student loans ~ avoid them like the plague. Get a Pell grant, (I believe they just went quite a bit) look into work study. If your a veteran look into getting one of the veteran work study jobs on campus.

 

As for the X? She's got a bad case of FBS ~ Flaky Broad Syndrome.

Quit being so damn selfish and give one or two thousand of the other 3.5 BILLION other women on the planet a shot at you.

 

Now is the time to lay the foundation for the rest of your life. You sound young twenty-something. Now is the time to be working on you.

 

The going to the gym is good, and the reason that you may want to step it up is that once you've obtained a good physic and physical conditioning you've laid the foundation for such for the rest of your life. Once your in shape? Its just maintenance thereafter.

 

Look at Jack LaLanne. The guy is in his nineties and has the body of someone half his age, (or even younger)

 

Now is the time to work on getting out of debt, and getting a years worth of income behind you. And then save some more auto maintenance and repair, appliance maintenance and repair, paying your insurance premiums annually rather than monthly or quarterly (you'll get a much better rate)

 

Start saving for buying yourself a house. You might want to consider joining the National Guard, I would suggest the Air National Guard in aircraft maintenance. It will help pay for college, you'll get $200,000 life insurance policy for around $10 bucks a month, you'll qualify for the GI Bill, and a the VA Home loan, (No down payment, no closing costs, only about $5000 out of pocket fees for filing and administration fees ~ basically the VA is co-signing the 25% part of your home loan.)

 

If you go into aircraft maintenance in the Air National Guard you will never ever have to worry about a job again. You could stay in an draw a retirement when your sixty, work a civilian job on the side ~ or you could go full time with the Air National Guard and retire just as if you had done twenty years active duty.

 

The Blue Cross-Blue Shield for a couple where I work is $850 a month after payroll taxes. Mine through the military (being single) is $20 a month with a $12 co-pay.

 

Read Mary Hunt's book "Debt Proof Living" And set your finances up accordingly.

 

If you buy and furnish a house before you get married? She has no claim to anything you owned before you got married. That's the law in all fifty states including California. Unless your stupid enough to put her on the deed after you get married.

 

The X is a 'cake-eater"

 

Rule of thumb? A woman threatens to walk out on you? You tell her fine! If that's what you want. But understand this and understand it well! As soon as I hear the closing of the door? There' no coming back, not even if you immediately do a 180 on the front door mat!

 

A woman walks out on you? It means one thing and one thing only! You've got to get off your dead @zz and go and find yourself someone new, (or someone(s)

 

Now is the time for you to go solo, get off of the meet market, lay the foundation for the rest of your life.

 

You can play now and pay now in your youth, or you can PAY now and play for the rest of your life.

 

You see you have two opportunities. You can make the investment of time, effort, energy and money in your youth ~ or you can squander it. Or you can invest it in lay a good solid foundation in your youth ~ and reap the fruits of such for the rest of your life.

 

People come and people go! But there's no one monkey that makes a show. You need this flaky broad like a fish needs a bicycle.

 

You get yourself a good marketable degree, some serious money in the bank, buy and furnish a decent house, have a decent clean dependable ride, get into and stay in shape?

 

You won't have any problem finding yourself a good woman!

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11bgentleman
You need to keep on doing what your doing and working on you and your life. After a train wreck like that? Its takes awhile to get your feet back underneath you.

 

Good to hear about PT'ing (Physical Training) you might want to step that up a bit a notch or two if you have time. And going back to college is a good thing, just make sure its in something that marketable or at least can turn into a way of making a living.

 

I live in a university town, and I see so many of these kids going to college, getting degrees in psychology, basket weaving, liberal arts. Then up tens of thousands of dollars in debt working jobs they could have gotten had they not gone to college.

 

Watch out for those student loans ~ avoid them like the plague. Get a Pell grant, (I believe they just went quite a bit) look into work study. If your a veteran look into getting one of the veteran work study jobs on campus.

 

As for the X? She's got a bad case of FBS ~ Flaky Broad Syndrome.

Quit being so damn selfish and give one or two thousand of the other 3.5 BILLION other women on the planet a shot at you.

 

Now is the time to lay the foundation for the rest of your life. You sound young twenty-something. Now is the time to be working on you.

 

The going to the gym is good, and the reason that you may want to step it up is that once you've obtained a good physic and physical conditioning you've laid the foundation for such for the rest of your life. Once your in shape? Its just maintenance thereafter.

 

Look at Jack LaLanne. The guy is in his nineties and has the body of someone half his age, (or even younger)

 

Now is the time to work on getting out of debt, and getting a years worth of income behind you. And then save some more auto maintenance and repair, appliance maintenance and repair, paying your insurance premiums annually rather than monthly or quarterly (you'll get a much better rate)

 

Start saving for buying yourself a house. You might want to consider joining the National Guard, I would suggest the Air National Guard in aircraft maintenance. It will help pay for college, you'll get $200,000 life insurance policy for around $10 bucks a month, you'll qualify for the GI Bill, and a the VA Home loan, (No down payment, no closing costs, only about $5000 out of pocket fees for filing and administration fees ~ basically the VA is co-signing the 25% part of your home loan.)

 

If you go into aircraft maintenance in the Air National Guard you will never ever have to worry about a job again. You could stay in an draw a retirement when your sixty, work a civilian job on the side ~ or you could go full time with the Air National Guard and retire just as if you had done twenty years active duty.

 

The Blue Cross-Blue Shield for a couple where I work is $850 a month after payroll taxes. Mine through the military (being single) is $20 a month with a $12 co-pay.

 

Read Mary Hunt's book "Debt Proof Living" And set your finances up accordingly.

 

If you buy and furnish a house before you get married? She has no claim to anything you owned before you got married. That's the law in all fifty states including California. Unless your stupid enough to put her on the deed after you get married.

 

The X is a 'cake-eater"

 

Rule of thumb? A woman threatens to walk out on you? You tell her fine! If that's what you want. But understand this and understand it well! As soon as I hear the closing of the door? There' no coming back, not even if you immediately do a 180 on the front door mat!

 

A woman walks out on you? It means one thing and one thing only! You've got to get off your dead @zz and go and find yourself someone new, (or someone(s)

 

Now is the time for you to go solo, get off of the meet market, lay the foundation for the rest of your life.

 

You can play now and pay now in your youth, or you can PAY now and play for the rest of your life.

 

You see you have two opportunities. You can make the investment of time, effort, energy and money in your youth ~ or you can squander it. Or you can invest it in lay a good solid foundation in your youth ~ and reap the fruits of such for the rest of your life.

 

People come and people go! But there's no one monkey that makes a show. You need this flaky broad like a fish needs a bicycle.

 

You get yourself a good marketable degree, some serious money in the bank, buy and furnish a decent house, have a decent clean dependable ride, get into and stay in shape?

 

You won't have any problem finding yourself a good woman!

 

Actually I am following this plan already. I got back in the army national guard a few months back. I went in and they paid off all my student loans from my first degree. This time I am using more of the G I Bill and other assistance. I figured up and with the gas, food, and other expenses of working out of town I could go back to school and make enough money to survive and get another degree to help me advance even further. I am 30 now and I figured this is the best time in my life to do it. I mean it is just me. My house is paid for. My truck is paid for. I have tricare select reserve insurance. So for now I have just my utilities, insurance, and minimum credit card debt. Since the divorce, I have put back money for this. I felt a little uneasy doing it at first but now I am seeing I can make it and I am enjoying it. So for now I am just going to go to class, work out, and relax.

 

As far as meeting someone new, I am not ready for the rat race. Right now as others have said, I just want to focus on me. Yesterday I was having it rough. So I went to the track, ran some laps, ran some bleachers, and even done some bear crawls. That sun was hot but I felt good when I was done.

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Most freaking outstainding!

 

OoooooRaaaaahhhh!

 

SemperFi! Get Some!

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