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Success at staying friends?


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Almost 27 year marriage has had ups and down but very cordial and we still laughed together. But not any passion there for some time and barely intersecting lives. I took a job out of town, commuting home twice a month - it was an impossible-to-pass-up-opportunity but also chance to see how it felt to be on my own. Figured things would either get better (re-awaken some of the spark) or become clearer. Discovered how easy it was to be away. Even though enjoyed visits home, it was mostly seeing old friends and our couple friends that made it worth while. Finally decided that although there was a lot that was good in the relationship and much about ex that I really admire and respect, I didnt want to spend the rest of my life feeling as alone I had for years. Finally got up the courage to talk about it. Although surprised/ speechless at first, STBX was able to accept fairly quickly -graciously accepted it and wished me well. Feel grateful that we both could acknowledge that this wasn't anyone's fault - we've just grown in very different directions.

 

We are both committed to maintaining our friendship, being there for our grown kids and even doing holidays together as a family. No real drama with the legal stuff- we're splitting it all 50-50 since we both earn decent wages and no custody issues.

 

I would be interested in hearing others experiences at keeping the firendship and building a new kind of relationship.

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candymoon

Welcome to LS!

 

Sorry to hear that your marriage has ended, but at least it was an amicable one with no hard feelings. A bit refreshing to hear that here as many are going through the polar opposite here.

 

That being said, I personally do not have either experience as I have not yet committed to ending or continuing my M. But I have seen the results of a warm divorce first hand for the last 20 years (and it sounds like this is what you're shooting for with your STBX).

 

My husbands parents ended their marriage almost 35 years ago. Amicably, tho they were only together 3 years--just long enough to conceive my H.

 

They had some issues in the beginning, emotionally, because of course to end a marriage is traumatic in and of itself even though there's no hard feelings. They remained friends, though. Never argued. He paid his support, kept the kid 3x a week as agreed and everyother weekend. They did and STILL DO holidays together even tho their son is grown with his own family. They do events together still have some of the same friends all these years later.

 

Of course they found other people too. My MIL was in a 25 year relationship after they divorced and had two more children. FIL was in one long term 10 year one and a few short ones after but never had more children. And guess what? No jealousies or anything that I detected (and me and the H have been together 20 years). The present lovers and even their extended family and friends also attended the games, outings, the holidays, birthdays, etc. It was a HUGE extended family and both H and I were always happy to be part of it.

 

Even outside of family events and tragedies they still call to check on each other from time to time and have great conversations. Or not. They always seem to be able to work it out even when they disagree. And I think now, it is beyond the common interest of their son--he is almost 40 now afterall and has his own life, so technically they don't need to communicate another word to each other. They just seem to like each other as PEOPLE even though their relationship turned out not to be productive for them long ago.

 

It is possible, dc. People on both sides just have to be really adult about it and be willing to move on and work on themselves. I've seen it happen and knowing it is possible to move on with minimal drama makes things somewhat liveable as you're going through it. Glad to see someone here, you and your STBX, are working on heading in this direction.

 

Good luck.

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