mendsley Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 I have been thinking of ways for me to find closure and the only thing I can come up with is to write a letter and putting all the emotions I feel on it and send it to her. I wrote the letter and I just don't know if I should send it or burn it. All I now is that I need to find closure! It has been long enough and I feel this will put the last nail in the coffin. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 I have been thinking of ways for me to find closure and the only thing I can come up with is to write a letter and putting all the emotions I feel on it and send it to her. I wrote the letter and I just don't know if I should send it or burn it. All I now is that I need to find closure! It has been long enough and I feel this will put the last nail in the coffin. Take it and put it into a trunk, seal the trunk up, lock it up, bond it up like Pandora's box, and then stick it into the very darkest and deepest recesses of you mind, turn away and never go there again! Then get busy getting busy living the rest of your Life! Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 (edited) I have been thinking of ways for me to find closure and the only thing I can come up with is to write a letter and putting all the emotions I feel on it and send it to her. I wrote the letter and I just don't know if I should send it or burn it. All I now is that I need to find closure! It has been long enough and I feel this will put the last nail in the coffin. I think u still have a lot emotional baggage inside u , & closure is only possible when u vent all thoughts out of ur heart . It looks there are so many questions u want to ask ur ex & so many things u just want to tell her . So in order to get over this pain , u need to speak to her once , not for any thing about divorce proceedings or custody or finanace but only about what u have gone through because of her ruthless behaviour , the way she has hurt u , in a peaceful manner without shouting . Once done then only u will be truly able to move on & not let ur past affect ur future relationships . Suppressing anger & pain will only make u more miserable , so now that both of u know its over , try to get rid of ur feelings by speaking ur heart out with her for last time . I believe sending her letter will be really a good idea. Best of luck Edited March 28, 2010 by bestplayer Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 In my experience, people who talk about "closure" are often looking for a new opening instead. The gesture they say is designed to close a relationship is often really designed to try and rekindle it. There is no "closure." We have to accept the fact that life is a series of indeterminate endings. Link to post Share on other sites
spriggig Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 In my experience, people who talk about "closure" are often looking for a new opening instead. The gesture they say is designed to close a relationship is often really designed to try and rekindle it. There is no "closure." We have to accept the fact that life is a series of indeterminate endings. Agreed. True closure is walking away and not looking back. Read the letter out loud and then burn it tonight in a private ceremony. Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 Agreed. True closure is walking away and not looking back. Read the letter out loud and then burn it tonight in a private ceremony. well i disagree , closure is not to rekindle but to close the chapter for good. Op will feel much more relaxed if he vents his anger rather than suppressing it. Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 You are still in the denial phase of tragedy. You will gain nothing from rehashing the past. You can't prevent it from happening again by understanding the why. She doesn't even know why. Our lives our simply a series of chemical reactions. We eat because of a chemical reaction, we sleep because of chemical reaction, and we fall in love from a chemical reaction. You need to stop the chemical reaction that is causing you to hold on. You are in essence addicted to the chemicals that cause you pain, like a maschosist. I bet if your W comes up with the best reason for leaving you will still not be satisfied. Why? because those chemicals are coursing through your body, and you sub consciously love them. The answer is to do something different. Basically keep trying different things to get you outta this phase until you find 1 that works. Trial and error is what made us humans what we are today, evolution. I would keep the letter and read it a year from now and see how far you have come. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mendsley Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 Thank you all for the replies =) I am still unsure what I am going to do with this letter. One side of me just wants to tell her things that I never told her before. How she made me feel, how it hurts me to see her go thru 3 relationships while we have been split and after she told me all she wanted was to be single, how I don't understand why she didn't give our relationship a second chance, and etc.... All I know is I have been to 2 different counselors, I do stuff all the time to help supress my thoughts of her. While those things help, I just feel like I have a ton of questions that need to be answered. You hear about closure all the time and how it is needed and people say it is like a ton of bricks have been lifted, but I guess I need to find out what my closure is. I just wish I was wired with the same switch she is wired with! Link to post Share on other sites
zippy's login Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 Thank you all for the replies =) I am still unsure what I am going to do with this letter. One side of me just wants to tell her things that I never told her before. How she made me feel, how it hurts me to see her go thru 3 relationships while we have been split and after she told me all she wanted was to be single, how I don't understand why she didn't give our relationship a second chance, and etc.... All I know is I have been to 2 different counselors, I do stuff all the time to help supress my thoughts of her. While those things help, I just feel like I have a ton of questions that need to be answered. You hear about closure all the time and how it is needed and people say it is like a ton of bricks have been lifted, but I guess I need to find out what my closure is. I just wish I was wired with the same switch she is wired with! Don't send it. The problem is you are not going to get a reponse back and that's going to make it even worse. It seems clear she has moved and you should try to also. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 I wouldn't send it personally. Been there, wrote the letter(s) waited to decide and realized that as far as she was concerned there was nothing left so why would she bother to care about it anyway? Plus what were my real reasons for sending it? To guilt her? To see if there was hope for something where there wasn't? When my father passed away I decided to get in touch with my ex about 2 years after she left me. Had been out of touch for six months since the divorce was final. We met for a bit at his grave then talked. Funny how on the one hand the conversation was so natural and we still had that chemistry.. and not funny how she STILL lied to my face. The gall... No closure there either... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mendsley Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 realized that as far as she was concerned there was nothing left so why would she bother to care about it anyway? I understand what you are saying here. The decision to send it has consumed me for the last two days. The problem I am having is the "why" am I really sending it. I look at my current life and wonder why? Why everyday I am in pain? Why she can have no problem finding relationships and most likely sleeping with them? Why can't I move on like she did? I am going to sit on it for a while and see what happens, it does help hearing from others that have tried to find closure thru their ex's. So thank you for telling me your experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 You will not get closure until you let her go, like I said you are still in denial. You are searching for the "why" and me like others has realized that there is no answer to that. You could spend the rest of your life wondering why, I have a cousin that is still in the denial stage and his wife died 5 years ago. It's a lonely road but one that you are choosing to travel down day after day. Like I said you want closure and acceptance, let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
zippy's login Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 I understand what you are saying here. The decision to send it has consumed me for the last two days. The problem I am having is the "why" am I really sending it. I look at my current life and wonder why? Why everyday I am in pain? Why she can have no problem finding relationships and most likely sleeping with them? Why can't I move on like she did? I am going to sit on it for a while and see what happens, it does help hearing from others that have tried to find closure thru their ex's. So thank you for telling me your experiences. I think by the time women decide to leave they are already through the mourning and very little will change their mind. I have learned this very quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 I think by the time women decide to leave they are already through the mourning and very little will change their mind. I have learned this very quickly. I agree but all the women I know carry regret around with them like spare tampons, you know just in case............ Link to post Share on other sites
spriggig Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 well i disagree , closure is not to rekindle but to close the chapter for good. Op will feel much more relaxed if he vents his anger rather than suppressing it. I'll take that disagreement and raise you one reference against the "venting suppressed anger myth": http://www.selfhelpzone.com/anger-management/what-are-anger-myths-and-how-they-affect-us/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author mendsley Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 I found this article about getting over your ex and thought maybe someone might think it is useful. http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/how-to-get-over-your-ex-20231.html Link to post Share on other sites
Author mendsley Posted March 29, 2010 Author Share Posted March 29, 2010 I have really thought about sending this letter and today I decided I would send it ..... so I did. I don't care what she thinks about what I wrote, I am not expecting her to respond, I am not trying to manipulate her and I don't expect anything from her about this. I can honostly say I feel good about expressing myself on paper, as I was writing I was coming up with more and more things so I think this helped purge some deep emotions. For some reason, which I cannot explain, I feel "lighter" after sending the letter. At first I was worried about what she would think, but once I determined I don't care what she thinks and all I want is for her to finally hear what I have built up inside me, I knew this was the right choice for me. I wish I could of just called her up and talked to her saying the same things, but that really is not an option so this is the next best thing. Thanks again for everyones opinions on this =) Link to post Share on other sites
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