The Depression Phase

[11bgentleman]

Well I think I have hit the depression phase. Brief cliff notes on my story. X brought up around this time last year she was unhappy and wanted to separate. I begged and pleaded for her to stay and said I would change my ways. She gave me various reasons why but none of them I could really figure out. Then she said she was staying and it was a dumb idea of her. Then around May of last year she brought up again. This time she didn't want to be married. I begged and pleaded again. She decided to stay after we went on an emergency vacation. Then September rolled around. She brought it up again saying the same things plus she loves me but is not in love with me. I had enough and said go. She left in late September and said she would file. Well November rolled around and she did not file. I said F*** it and I filed.

 

Since then I have continued reading LS and learning. For a few weeks after she left I was having a pitty party. Then I went through the whole NC, changed my routine, got my fitness and diet back on track. From that point and even now I work, go to the gym, cook my meals, and sleep. I pre-plan my week of meals, workouts, and work. I feel I have come a long way. I even got back in the reserves (that is something I love and she talked me out of re-enlisting a couple of years ago). I am back in and loving it.

 

I honestly thought I was making really good progress. I am staying busy. Then today it hit me. I feel like I am really down. I feel like all the progress I have made is down the drain. I can't seem to do anything except think about her. I am thinking about all the coulda, woulda, shoulda things. Then things got a little worse because I heard her voice. She called me about a bill that still needs to be paid. I felt like I went even lower.

 

She still contacts me either by text or calls. I do not contact her unless something related to business. Then I wait until I absolutely have to contact her. When does the depression stop? I feel I have done everything I can to stay busy but it still pops up. In the past it would pop up a little but I could always shake it. Today I could not shake it. I feel like this bout is going to hang around for a while. Any ideas?

[D-Lish]

Then I went through the whole NC, changed my routine, got my fitness and diet back on track. From that point and even now I work, go to the gym, cook my meals, and sleep. I pre-plan my week of meals, workouts, and work. I feel I have come a long way. I even got back in the reserves (that is something I love and she talked me out of re-enlisting a couple of years ago). I am back in and loving it.

 

 

Just embrace the aforementioned positives for what they are- a really great start! You have to keep acknowledging the positives in order to move forward. In simple terms- "act how you want to feel"- and it eventually becomes a reality.

 

Don't beat yourself up over set backs or allow those set backs to negate the progress you have made thus far.

 

You are going to have bad days- and it's okay to acknowledge those- but don't dwell on them.

 

Divorces are one of the hardest thing most people will have to go through in life. I had a harder time with my divorce than I have had with death. You learn during the recovery process that if you can get through this kind of pain- you can face anything.

 

These weak moments will become fewer and farther between.

 

I got through it- some days I wonder how I did it, but I did it, and I'm on the other side now. You'll find the other side in time- but you do have to actively participate in your own recovery in order to make that happen.

 

I know it doesn't seem likely at the moment, but you are going to be okay, and you will get through it.

[Gunny376]

Just embrace the aforementioned positives for what they are- a really great start! You have to keep acknowledging the positives in order to move forward. In simple terms- "act how you want to feel"- and it eventually becomes a reality.

 

Don't beat yourself up over set backs or allow those set backs to negate the progress you have made thus far.

 

You are going to have bad days- and it's okay to acknowledge those- but don't dwell on them.

 

Divorces are one of the hardest thing most people will have to go through in life. I had a harder time with my divorce than I have had with death. You learn during the recovery process that if you can get through this kind of pain- you can face anything.

 

These weak moments will become fewer and farther between.

 

I got through it- some days I wonder how I did it, but I did it, and I'm on the other side now. You'll find the other side in time- but you do have to actively participate in your own recovery in order to make that happen.

 

I know it doesn't seem likely at the moment, but you are going to be okay, and you will get through it.

 

Good and sound advice D-Lish!

 

Haven't given out any 'bunny-socks' in a long time. (At onetime at least in the Seperation/Divorce forum 'bunny socks = "Atta Boy/Girl!!!)

 

Outstanding post! :bunny::bunny:

[Steadfast]

 

I honestly thought I was making really good progress. I am staying busy. Then today it hit me. I feel like I am really down. I feel like all the progress I have made is down the drain...

 

 

The above statement says one thing to me very clearly; you used these initial things -the working out, diet, the reserves, etc to reach a certain point; where you are now. These are things you should have done, but for lack of a better way of putting it, they have somewhat 'run out of steam' in their ability to carry you any farther away from the heartbreak you're experiencing. Speaking personally, I can relate and think it's normal.

 

One suggestion I can give is for you to start putting your ex-wife where she belongs in your heart and mind. You might have some pent-up anger and frustration, or what is (probably) an unmet need to understand what happened between you too. Come to grips that you may never know and she may never (or be able to) tell you. You must learn to accept it. Let her be her, and you be you.

 

Easier said than done, trust me-

 

Until you can work it out in your head, treat her with a certain amount of kindness and understanding...no matter what she says and does. You love her but because of your split, you can't really show it like you used to. So, show her in different ways. By being kind, and strong. Stand up for you, but don't be bitter or uncaring.

 

Another suggestion is to find a good friend to confide in; someone who is solid, trustworthy, understanding and cares enough to see it through. Let them know what's involved and be prepared to pass on the favor someday. Lean on them until you're standing on your own.

Edited March 22, 2010 by Steadfast

[Gunny376]

If you've been "lurking" on LS for awhile then you know about the Five Stages of Grief, and that for any given individual there's no specfic order.

 

And that any given time, you can revert back and forth between the five.

 

If your not familiar with I would suggest you Google them and read up on them. If need be let me know, and I'll link you. (You'll have to post here on your thread, as you yet enough post to PM me)

 

With that said your off to a good start with getting back on the PT train. That helps a lot. Planning your 'work" (housework, your job, your schedule, your drill dates in the Reserves, chores, meals) is also a good start.

 

If your depressed the absolute worse thing you can do is to induce depressives into your system, such as alcohol. Alcohol is to depression what gasoline is to a bonfire.

 

But even if you don't drink? You may want to look at and discuss with your M.D. any medication you may be taking to include over the counter drugs, herbals, vitamin supplements etc.

 

With your being in the Reserves means your registered in DEERS, for medical purposes. You may want to access the TRICARE on-line and take the Depression Screening. If your score five or more, then you may want to make an appointment with your M.D and discuss it with him.

 

You need to understand that oftentimes? Its not just the person that your missing, but being in a relationship with her or anyone ~ and then it can be combination of both.

 

Oftentimes? We find ourselves adjusting to getting into something, than getting out of it?

 

I for example had an easier time adjusting to getting into the Marines and military life, than I ever did in retiring and getting out. Ditto with marriage.

 

In fact I had a really hard time dealing with the end of both. (All these freaking civilians running around in circles screaming and shouting with no one in charge! )

 

The reason you find yourself in and out of the depression phase is because your mind is missing and wanting its "candy" ~ the joy, happiness, euphoric feeling you felt and had with the X when you first fell in love and during the good times when you were together.

 

This produces powerful bio-chemicals in your brain such as endorphins, dopamine ~ which are more powerful and addictive than 'crack' cocaine, powder cocaine and crystal meth, (As a matter of fact that is how these drugs work, they trick the receptors in the brain to produce these bio-chemicals and release them)

 

Soooooo~ What you need to do is find activities that you can substitute that bring you joy, happiness, and that euphoric 'high' feeling that naturally produces those same results.

 

Its not hard to do? Running long distances does it for me. Its really just that simple. (It would have to be something aerobic, not anaerobic such as riding a bike a long distance, running a long distance, etc)

 

Next when you find yourself getting depressed? YA GOTTA GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

 

GRAB THE KEYS AND LEAVE!

 

Go for a walk, a run, to the gym, to church, volunteer for something, but get yourself getting busy. Become a Big Brother, a Scout Leader, fix the widow lady next door leaking roof, squeaking door, ~ but get busy.

 

It really helped me when I volunteer just to work at the hospital, the nursing home, the homeless shelter ~ made me think ~ "Jezz! I don't have any problems!" and "But by the Grace of Almighty God? There go I?"

 

Initially I did it just to keep from climbing the walls? But it soon became its own reward. Just sitting around and talking to the old people at the nursing home was worth a four year free scholarship to an Ivy League school.

 

When I brought up that something wasn't right about my steering in my car lead to a month long discussion between I and all the men!

 

In part and to no small degree? You've got to understand that you've been 'institutionalized' by having been married.

 

George Jones put it best?

 

"Its not that 44D, 24" 33"!

Its not that your blond and blue eyed!

 

Its not that your Daddy's the Richest Man In Town

And owns a chain of liquor stores for five states around!

 

Its that I'm just used to Having YOU around!

 

That is to say we oftentimes become involved with, love, and fall in love with some of the most toxic people we could ever find.

[Gunny376]

The above statement says one thing to me very clearly; you used these initial things -the working out, diet, the reserves, etc to reach a certain point; where you are now. These are things you should have done, but for lack of a better way of putting it, they have somewhat 'run out of steam' in their ability to carry you any farther away from the heartbreak you're experiencing. Speaking personally, I can relate and think it's normal.

 

One suggestion I can give is for you to start putting your ex-wife where she belongs in your heart and mind. You might have some pent-up anger and frustration, or what is (probably) an unmet need to understand what happened between you too. Come to grips that you may never know and she may never (or be able to) tell you. You must learn to accept it. Let her be her, and you be you.

 

Easier said than done, trust me-

 

Until you can work it out in your head, treat her with a certain amount of kindness and understanding...no matter what she says and does. You love her but because of your split, you can't really show it like you used to. So, show her in different ways. By being kind, and strong. Stand up for you, but don't be bitter or uncaring.

 

Another suggestion is to find a good friend to confide in; someone who is solid, trustworthy, understanding and cares enough to see it through. Let them know what's involved and be prepared to pass on the favor someday. Lean on them until you're standing on your own.

 

Damn look at you my Man!

 

You've done come in months what took me years to obtain!

 

"You tha' Man!" :bunny:

[Steadfast]

Thanks Guns.

 

As so many have said, life doesn't come with an instruction manual. Seems to me LS is the closest thing sometimes to having one for a breakup. At the very least, you'll be able to talk with someone whose gone through it too-

[11bgentleman]

I would like to thank everyone for ya'lls feedback. Monday seemed better because I got back into the swing of work. It just seems like it comes and goes this week. I have tired my best to keep busy. Staying busy seems to help.

[Gunny376]

You don't state your age?

[11bgentleman]

I'm 30. Today after a grueling run I just realized something. With all the extra PT I have done over the past few months has me in the best shape of my life. I honestly feel like I am in better shape now than when I graduated from infantry school at Benning. That was when I was 20!! The only difference is I am not skin and bones lol.

 

As you have posted before Gunny, count your blessings. I done that today and I alot to be thankful for.

[Gunny376]

WTF! Whoaaaa!

 

Your freaking "Active Duty Army!":eek:

 

Thirty years old?

 

Your half in and out of your retrirement from such!

 

I've so much news you could use!

[11bgentleman]

Im not active. I spent 8 years in the national guard and got out because my now x wife wanted me out. I was out a couple of years. I just got back in and I am loving it. I almost forgot how much I loved it. I hope to use some of the college money to get back in school.

[Gunny376]

The medical insurance (TriCare ~ which isn't affected by the new so-called health care reform bill) you get when you turn 60 is worth it alone.

 

My boss and one one of the Foreman that I work with are both retired Alabama NG. At work for just themselves and their wives they were paying close to $900 a month for BC/BS. And that was after tax.

 

Now its $66 a month, with $12 co-pays, and an annual $150 deductible. Commissary, PX, MWR privileges. Doing my twenty in the Corps was the smartest thing this poor old country boy ever did.

 

Hows things going with ya?

[11bgentleman]

For now I am paying around $160 per month for insurance just for me. I am looking into Tricare Select Reserve. I have heard that it is much lower and better. I figure I will stay in at least until I get my 20 year letter.

 

I have considered going active duty. I figure it will keep me very busy and clear my mind. The only thing that worries me is I will get burnt out doing it 24/7. I done a one year stint for homeland security after 9/11 and it was good.

 

I have been back in for a couple of months and I am still re-discovering all the benefits of the military. I have a small shopette close to home so I am saving on gas and small items at the PX.

[Gunny376]

I've not heard of Tri-Care Reserve? Clue me in when you get PM status, ( Plus 70 posts or better)

 

But yea! I'd stay in the Alabama NG just for the potential of the bennies at age 60. All the better if you went active duty!

 

Smartest thing I ever did.

 

I went to college on the GI Bill, got a degree in Busines Admin ~ Finance.

 

Got myself a job I'd would of gotten without a college degree.

 

In rural Alabama its more about who you know than what you know?

 

Who your related to? Who your married to?

[11bgentleman]

Yea the guard has been good to me. They paid for my college, and give me some extra cash once a month (drill pay). They said I am eligible for more GI Bill. I am considering my options.

 

I have a degree in business. I live in a smaller town and commute to the "big city" for work.

 

As soon as I able to PM you I will.