Cake eating

[Ballerfamily]

My story

 

Married my hs/college sweetheart. Dated 5 yrs and married 24 yrs. We have 2 boys, 18 an 7. We both work , me as a contractor, my wife in the college setting.

 

In the summer of 2009, i become suspicious of my wifes behavior. Her cell phone was always on her an hidden. Long walks, constant texting, etc. She left her phone in car after her an I being out one night, i looked at her phone. There was lots of tm's and i miss u, etc. I of course through a hissy fit, which of course she denied it was anything an apologized and said she didnt know what was wrong with her. He was on her co-ed soccer team an they didnt know each other well. It was him contacting her an so forth. I then checked phone log an saw lots of texting back an forth, alot iniated by her.

 

Sex and are relationship were great for the next 4-6 months. Sex in the car, 4/5 times a week, etc. I helped with the housework more, etc.

 

I coached my sons high school baseball team, and he is now on a baseball scholarship at the same school my wife is part of. Sports in are family is a big part of are life. My wife has played soccer and has joined a running group. She never missed a game of our sons, till that summer and the following summer.

 

F-foreward to aug 2010. Son starts college, wife is acting strange again for about 3 months. I have been monitoring her phone log, and 1 certain number is no longer appearing. A man in her running group. I get suspicious of there being a 2nd phone, but i dont confront her. I put a gps device on her, and she is caught at his apartment.

 

She gets home, and we talk. She denys,etc, and i start getting angry. She walks away and goes inside to be by are 7 yr old. I control my anger outwardly, and break her phone without anyone seeing. She eventually goes upstairs an locks door, which she does alot.

 

She leaves next day with 7 yr old, and stays with a friend for 3 wks. I have am angry an abandoned. Lots of texts angry an nice. She gets an apt. We have a few dates, an then i catch her with this guy again which she emphatically denies doing anything with. She is running one morning, and I get her phone from her car. There hundreds of tm's between him an her. Sexting, him encouraging her to divorce, fantasying about being with her, etc.

 

I wait for her to return to her car, and she says you caught me red-handed, i want a divorce.

 

We then cool off for a month or so, and then i recieve the divorce filing 3 days after thanks giving. She wanted to hang out on thanksgiving weekend an i refused. Christmas eve, I have both of my boys, and she sneeks into house and is sleeping by the tree when i wake up. Woo-wee, santa came.

 

Every day an night i get texts about how horrifically sad she is, and she feels like she is going to hell. We went to counseling one time, and she denied the affair, etc. Just a friend, who she still runs with. This group runs, parties, drinks a couple times a week. They have big parties a couple times a month. My wife drinks every day. This group are all single or divorced.

 

I am confused. With are 7 yr old, we have to have contact. She invited me to dinner with are boys last night. She gives me big hug and says she loves me more thn anything. Texts me this moring and says she had a terrible night sleeping an thinks she is a terrible mother an person.

 

We have had some financial problems, br, con artist stole 200 k from us, etc. Now are home is in FC. We were starting to get it back together. Maybe the security is a big thing for her. I made 6 figures for many yrs.

 

She wants her cake and gobbles it up. I dont know what to do. I have been faithful forever. I took my wife out fri,sat, sun. We went on vacations every year. We went to all my sons games, baseball, basketball. I never went to bars or hung with my friends alot, especially on wkends. She adores,loves,cares for me an them. I just wasnt there emotionally for her enough i guess

 

She is very pretty, in great shape. She is very out going and flirtaseous. Alcohol and these traits, are scary. Always thought her being flirty an guys hitting on her were the price you pay for having a good looking wife.

 

She might be a narcissist. She has a lot of traits. yikes, that sounds terrible. Im a doormat. A little of her is better then none, at least i always thought that.. I thought i was crazy. There was an incident 16 yrs ago, and it always made me worry, and she always explained late nights, absences away.

 

Please provide me with some insight. I am hurting big time. At times i can hardly function. I have developed anxiety attacks, and am on medication.

Edited February 18, 2010 by Ballerfamily

[Gunny376]

So what I would do is sign the divoce papers, send them back by registered mail, (modified of course such that you get full custody of DS7 and any and all assets from the marriage.

 

Then you go NC ~ serious NC, except for any absolute conversation about the DS's. (Any other conversation can handled through e-mails and tm's and of course the lawyers.

 

In so far as your concerned she's fallen off of the face of earth, no longer exsist.

 

Meanwhile you go on about your life as though you've got a new lease on it. Get busy making yourself and your DS happy and content. Go out and live life like its 1999!

 

She'll either move on to one of the OM? Or you'll find her at your front door with crocidile tears in her eyes begging. IF you decide to take her back? You dictate the terms of the reconcilation. She has to earn her way back into the marriage ~ and she's got to do it the old fashion! She's got to work for it.

 

Meanwhile? She's made her bed hard? Let her sleep in and stew in her old juices.

[aimchase]

With Gunny - she's all over the place. She hasn't a clue what she wants, she's going through some sort of phase.

 

It sounds so familiar - you can't attempt to talk to her or influence her thinking on this as it'll make it worse. NC is the answer. Don't respond to the messages about her being sad, let her reap what she sows and experience this alone.

[Ballerfamily]

Nc is so hard. Im so lonely with my oldest gone to school, and my 7 yr old with her 5/6 days a week. It feels good to hear from her, and to be with my family. But it hurts so much to go home then.

 

I don't want her to have a break down. She is with my little guy. I am concerned with the drinking.

 

I really want her to be happy. She looks like she has aged 10 yrs. She gets mad if I don't communicate. She says this is what keeps her from trying. Communication, and then my anger, which flairs at times. 3 weeks good, and then a bad night. (comes from both of us)

[Gunny376]

When she's sitting there in her apartment all alone on a dark cold night and BFX4-5 just dumped her as he's had his fill of her, the cold dawn of reality' will start setting in. She'll start thinking about DD's and what she once had and what she's thrown(ing) away.

 

Meanwhile she be thinking, "Why isn't DH calling me? What isn't he responding to my e-mails? What isn't he returning my tm's? What is he thinking about? Who is thinking about? Who is he with !!

 

She'll start coming out of the fog?

 

You've got to give her the "Gift Of Missing" you. The one that cares the least? Controls and dictates the terms of the relationship.

 

Woman walks out on me? She gets the speech, "You do what you feel you have to. But understand this and understand it well. Once you walk out that door, and I hear the shutting of the door? There's no coming back ever. Not even you do a 180 as soon as you close the door.

 

What one will abuse? Another can certainly use! I realize this may come as a complete surprise to you. But there's no shortage of women (nor men for women) The world is quite literally covered up with them ~ billions of them the world over. The come in all shapes, sizes, even colors.

 

Another hard rule I have I catch a woman cheating on me? You know what?

 

Its over!

 

I don't need one of those "gifts that keep on giving and giving and giving!

 

Love isn't worth dying for!

Edited February 18, 2010 by Gunny376

[aimchase]

I don't think she's going to have a 'nervous breakdown'. Remember, if she wants you back, she'll say so. If she skims the surface though with comments such as 'i'm unhappy, i'm unsure, i'm lonely', she is not committing. She is just looking for your attention and security.

 

You can't give that to her otherwise it portrays the message that she can mess you around like you she has done in the past. Her realisation has to come from within - look at it as you doing her a favour.

 

I'm sorry that you're lonely. I also find it hard not seeing my children as frequently as when we were a family, but your best chance of getting through this and entering a happy relationship with your ex is to let her come to terms with her own actions. Sure, admit your own faults (anger etc), but don't pass that as a plea for her back.

[Gunny376]

So? Let me get this right in my military mind? (You might need to break it down to me as though I were a fourth grader ~ I can be a bit dense at times)

 

The reason the DW had multiple affairs with OM (who obviously were only out to get a quick piece) was because you don't communicate and because you get angry because she's going out all the time with single and divorce people instead of being at home with you and DS7

 

Contracting a VD is alright with you.

 

You prefer being miserable with her, than happy (at least one day) by yourself or with someone who appreciates what you've got to bring to the table?

 

You can't go wrong by yourself. The loneliness you'll get use to if quit listening to Journey love songs, (or whatever band it is you listen to)

 

She quit being your concern and responsibility the day she choose to move out. And you are not her personal Ann Launders or Dear Abby.

 

She's got a home and a husband to come home to. Its going to have to be her and only her that can make that decision. You cannot make other people do what you want ~ nor can you make them do the right thing.

 

She needs to get her act together, get into counseling and into AA. The alcohol alone is messing up her thinking and in so long as she hitting it, she's not going to be thinking straight.

 

Watch "Intervention" on the A&E channel. Especially the ones about alcohol.

[Ballerfamily]

When she's sitting there in her apartment all alone on a dark cold night and BFX4-5 just dumped her as he's had his fill of her, the cold dawn of reality' will start setting in. She'll start thinking about DD's and what she once had and what she's thrown(ing) away.

 

Meanwhile she be thinking, "Why isn't DH calling me? What isn't he responding to my e-mails? What isn't he returning my tm's? What is he thinking about? Who is thinking about? Who is he with !!

 

She'll start coming out of the fog?

 

You've got to give her the "Gift Of Missing" you. The one that cares the least? Controls and dictates the terms of the relationship.

 

Woman walks out on me? She gets the speech, "You do what you feel you have to. But understand this and understand it well. Once you walk out that door, and I hear the shutting of the door? There's no coming back ever. Not even you do a 180 as soon as you close the door.

 

What one will abuse? Another can certainly use! I realize this may come as a complete surprise to you. But there's no shortage of women (nor men for women) The world is quite literally covered up with them ~ billions of them the world over. The come in all shapes, sizes, even colors.

 

Another hard rule I have I catch a woman cheating on me? You know what?

 

Its over!

 

I don't need one of those "gifts that keep on giving and giving and giving!

 

Love isn't worth dying for!

 

Your spot on and i know thats what I should do(sounds like my sister)

 

I hate the thought of starting over. We have so many couple friends, and are boys are beautiful, wonderful kids. I don't want to hurt them any more then they already are. I don't want them to think i gave up on mom. She lies to them and are friends.

[Ballerfamily]

She is so willing to lie and distort the truth. She is so concerned about her reputation and what people think of her. I exposed a dark secret. I ruined and tainted her. I have a wild imagination. On and on.

 

Just recently, she has said she was sorry for hurting me. She ges so mad when i talk about (OM) do i really think thats the problem. She is angry about something. She thinks she is 25, and i have worked myself into the ground. Of course, the OM come in as shining knights. They are so much greener. Of course, they care for the kids and support them. ha OM/OW the good old days, a little ass whoopin would be in order

 

I care and love my wife. I don't destroy and steal from my friends and fellow humans

[Gunny376]

You and the DS's and everyone in her family and 'circle of influence" are enabling her behavior (the reason she wants and needs you to call her and stay in touch)

 

You and the DD's should contact and join Al Anon ~ a support for family members of alcoholics.

 

She needs to go to a ninety day treatment facility where she will get one on one counseling, group therapy, she can dry out, (she's got to get all of the alcohol out of her system). She'll detox, (cold sweats, throwing up after drinking ~ just how bad the body hates and rejects it ~ cold and hot flashes, sleeplessness.)

 

She's not going to get help until she See's that's she's going to lose, you her DD's her family, her true friends.

 

She's going to scream, shout, threaten, throw a couple of tantrums, perhaps even threaten to kill herself (which if she keeps drinking she will eventually succeed in doing ~ throat cancer, pancreatic cancer, stomach cancer, kidney failure, liver. Its the alcohol talking.

 

By enabling her? Your helping her kill herself slowly while your DD's watch

[Gunny376]

Women's bodies are ravaged by varying levels of different types of hormones which wreak havoc on their bodies, emotional state of mind, thnking, mood swings.

 

There estrogen, protestorine, testerone.

 

Men peak sexually when their late teens. Women in their mid to late forties. Varies by the individual. A lot during this time are compelled to seek out various sex partners.

[Gunny376]

Women's bodies are ravaged by varying levels of different types of hormones which wreak havoc on their bodies, emotional state of mind, thinking, mood swings.

 

There estrogen, progesterone, testerone.

 

Men peak sexually when their late teens. Women in their mid to late forties. Varies by the individual. A lot during this time are compelled to seek out various sex partners.

 

The drinking is linked to her guilt over her overriding her socially and culturally induced "Anti-Slut" defense. And her betrayal to you, your marriage, DD's and you of course. And most of all? Herself.

 

Maybe one of the women here will explain it to you? I've got to get ready for work.

[Ballerfamily]

You and the DS's and everyone in her family and 'circle of influence" are enabling her behavior (the reason she wants and needs you to call her and stay in touch)

 

You and the DD's should contact and join Al Anon ~ a support for family members of alcoholics.

 

She needs to go to a ninety day treatment facility where she will get one on one counseling, group therapy, she can dry out, (she's got to get all of the alcohol out of her system). She'll detox, (cold sweats, throwing up after drinking ~ just how bad the body hates and rejects it ~ cold and hot flashes, sleeplessness.)

 

She's not going to get help until she See's that's she's going to lose, you her DD's her family, her true friends.

 

She's going to scream, shout, threaten, throw a couple of tantrums, perhaps even threaten to kill herself (which if she keeps drinking she will eventually succeed in doing ~ throat cancer, pancreatic cancer, stomach cancer, kidney failure, liver. Its the alcohol talking.

 

By enabling her? Your helping her kill herself slowly while your DD's watch

She hates when i talk about the alcohol. She will never get treatment for that.

 

Thanks Gunny/Aimchase words of wisdom for sure. This is hard. She wants me to provide money and security still, which I do for the kids.

 

This running group is killing her.

 

I don't think she is having an affair right now. she is completely different then when she left. Truly in a fog then.

 

Gunny, she says that her affairs were EM'S if that. Never a PA.

 

I would do anything to prove that if i was wrongly accused. She will never admit it. She would rather start over (narcisstic behavior)

 

By the way, I think she has drank every day( at least 2/3 daily, and alot on wkends)for the last 20 yrs except for the 18 months of pregenacy. Its scary. She still looks good and runs marathons and trains. Blames the hot flashes and cold sweats on are financial problems and lack of security. Her parents will leave her a nice chunk of inheritance and are also enabling her and expenses now. They have no idea of the problems.

Edited February 18, 2010 by Ballerfamily

[Gunny376]

No the alcohol hates you talking about the alcohol.

 

Tell Mommy and Daddy to use some that inheirtence money to go and plan her her funeral and buy her plot.

 

How old she? How much does she drink a day?

 

Why does she need you for financial support?

 

Seriously your not talking to your wife nor her? Your talking to, dealing with, and supporting a "Bottle"

 

Google A&E and look up "Intervention"

[Ballerfamily]

No the alcohol hates you talking about the alcohol.

 

Tell Mommy and Daddy to use some that inheirtence money to go and plan her her funeral and buy her plot.

 

How old she? How much does she drink a day?

 

Why does she need you for financial support?

 

Seriously your not talking to your wife nor her? Your talking to, dealing with, and supporting a "Bottle"

 

Google A&E and look up "Intervention"

 

She is 47. She makes 35 k. She cant pay her expenses without help. Was furious because I wouldn't make her car pay or ins. Wanted $850 in temp hearing. I pay her $375 mon for youngest, and support the oldest. She helps him with misc, a $20 here an there, and some books.

 

I would say 2/3 beers a day, and quite a bit more 4-7 on wkends. Alot of these runners drink more. Total men/women douche bags, sex, drinking, partying, destroying marriages, its sickening. (vast majority of her group)

[mimidarlin]

Sucks for her doesn't it? She wants $850? Well tough...unless her lawyer argues for alimony. On what basis though? Can't afford the car? Sell it and buy one you can afford. You pay child support and tough otherwise.

[Gunny376]

Just that many beers does and doesn't mean that she has a drinking problem? More than likely not, although depending her height/weight ratio, and factoring in the length of time it was consumed could get you a DUI or maybe even a DWI?

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she was drinking 'shots' on weekends. These types of groups usually do on weekends when they go out? She might even be a closet drinker of harder forms of alcohol.

 

But for now? Lets discount the drinking. Which leads to Walk-A-Wife, which if she were, she more than likely wouldn't have the time of day for you let alone wanting you to stay in contact with her? Unless she's trying to 'milk' you for money or use you for some other reason?

 

Which leads to MLC ~ Mid-Life Crisis. Or it could simply be she's 'fallen out of love with you?" Or her chasing after and trying to regain her youth?

 

Meanwhile work on that anger management problem, self control. and communication skills. You might want to pick up a couple of books off of Amazon. The first is "You Just Don't Understand" and the second is "GenderSpeak" Both are about the differences in the way men and women communicate and speak.

 

Another quick and easy read is "Why Men Don't Understand and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" I would also recommend you pick up a book or two about body language, as 80+ in the way we communicate is through our body language. Try to find one with illustrations of various forms of posture.

[lkjh]

Don't let her use you. She cheated and left, now stand your ground

[lkjh]

Don't giver her anything emontionally before she accepts 100% of everything

[Ballerfamily]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I worry about getting screwed in divorce. Times are tough, and I don't have the money to fight with a lawyer, except whats absolutely neccessary.

 

I am also trying to get my mind together. I'm not sure what I want. Its hard for me to ignor her. We were very close. She calls me every Sunday morning and wants to go to church with me an my boys, if the running group has no plans.

 

She came to my sons bball game last night, and wanted to go out after with some of are old friends. I don't have the heart to ignor her and leave her stranded. I know, I need to change that.

 

Any ideas from the ladies? What is trying to do? What does she want? She is all over the place. Does she want to be single, but have me as a friend?

[BB07]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I worry about getting screwed in divorce. Times are tough, and I don't have the money to fight with a lawyer, except whats absolutely neccessary.

 

I am also trying to get my mind together. I'm not sure what I want. Its hard for me to ignor her. We were very close. She calls me every Sunday morning and wants to go to church with me an my boys, if the running group has no plans.

 

She came to my sons bball game last night, and wanted to go out after with some of are old friends. I don't have the heart to ignor her and leave her stranded. I know, I need to change that.

 

Any ideas from the ladies? What is trying to do? What does she want? She is all over the place. Does she want to be single, but have me as a friend?

 

 

She herself doesn't know what she wants and there isn't any way you can figure it out as much as you like to and need to. It sucks......and I know I can't imagine how much.

 

IMO the alcohol is the biggest problem, if she is an alcoholic, then she probably has been one for years and it's colored her perception and reality and now part of her knows that she has screwed up beyond repair with herself and you and her children. Unless she gets help and addresses the booze issue, the rest of it doesn't have a prayer in hell of being fixed. She needs to do this first and foremost for herself and then her children. You should attend some Al-Anon meetings as it will help you with understanding what you are dealing with. The woman you loved is gone. Like it or not.......you are enabling her with the booze and the other issues in her life. Sad to say but the only way you can begin to help her is help her to hit rock bottom. Do this for your kids.

[2sunny]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I worry about getting screwed in divorce. Times are tough, and I don't have the money to fight with a lawyer, except whats absolutely neccessary.

 

I am also trying to get my mind together. I'm not sure what I want. Its hard for me to ignor her. We were very close. She calls me every Sunday morning and wants to go to church with me an my boys, if the running group has no plans.

 

She came to my sons bball game last night, and wanted to go out after with some of are old friends. I don't have the heart to ignor her and leave her stranded. I know, I need to change that.

 

Any ideas from the ladies? What is trying to do? What does she want? She is all over the place. Does she want to be single, but have me as a friend?

 

when you continue to make her comfortable - there is no reason for her to change anything. start making her really uncomfortable... this is what she wanted, no? give it to her - full force.

 

it will make you uncomfortable to see her uncomfortable - but this is the only thing that will encourage change in her - it also keeps you in a safe place.

 

step away. her words are nothing but bull$hit designed to make you help HER become more comfortable. when her ACTIONS SHOW you that things have completely changed (this takes a long while for her to show evidence) THEN you can CONSIDER revisiting the relationship on different terms.

 

anything you do now by participating is designed to help her to feel ok about treating you like dirt - because it shows her that you are ok with being treated like dirt... so the dance continues. stop dancing with her. she created the dance - let her do the dance all on her own until she comes to realize that the dance isn't working for her any longer.

 

some people realize it quickly - and some people never realize it at all (mainly because they find other victims to fill the role that you always played).

 

good luck with it all... change is hard - but if you don't try to make sure it changes - it just continues as the dance you always participated in.

[Butterflair]

As a woman, she wants the comfort of you and the freedom to explore. She already filed for divorce so that pretty much sums up what she wants. Stop the contact with her, try the 180, make things difficult for her. Don't answer her calls and texts, if she gets pissed off then so be it.

 

Be a man, be strong and stand strong. She's walking all over you. You don't even consider taking her back unless she's begging and willing to go to counciling and make some major changes. You've done nothing wrong, the problem is with HER. Give her space and let her sort it out, you continue with your life and try to move forward. It's not easy, we all know that but you sound like a nice guy. Stand up for yourself and put a stop to the nonsense.

[foreal]

Baller:

 

I am sorry you are going thru the hell of a cake eater....I am very familiar with this breed.

 

It is striking how that although I am the W and you are the H, our respective WSs are soo the same!!

 

here is a great web site to check out:

 

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/index.html

 

You can check my posts for background but I too went thru the back and forth bullshyt of a cake eating, boo-hooing, angry one minute sucking up the next AHOLE of a spouce.

 

Yes, NC is SOOOOOO hard!! BUt LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE ON HERE!!

 

GO NC!

 

The web site above has an e-newsletter, sign up for it..your W is in MLC to the max..and yes, it really sux for the kids.

 

And explore that site- it will help you to understand WTF your W is doing and help you be strong.

 

I was the one who filed for D as if I had not my H would still be eating cake..and gawd it has been rough- BUT, I am stronger every day..I only speak to him when I have to and I try to use email for everything.

 

Try to never contact her (even when every bone in your body is saying DO IT..DON'T!!), let her contact you first..then make is short, to the point and GET OFF THE PHONE ie END THE CONVERSATION before she does.

ALWAYS END IT FISRT AND POLITELY

 

She wants your attention...she actually prefers the anger, the negativeity you give to her b/c that way she can tell herself YOU are the Ahole and not HER.

 

So be nice

 

Be short

 

Be direct

 

Don't take all her calls, take 1 out of 5 if you must.

 

Don't respond to emails/texts etc for at least a day (unless it is about your kids...but even then it is most likely a non emergency she is asking about..for example, my husband texted me asking what shoe size our son wore...I finally texted him back, "Depends on the shoe, I always have him with me when I get them"...3 days later

 

CLICK, OVER, CYA

 

"Okay thanks I have to get going" click

 

Let that be your mantra when you speak to her in person or the phone.

 

She wants you to wallow

 

She wants you to be sad, miserable, hurting WITHOUT HER (in stark contrast to how YOU want her to be: happy, healed, etc)

 

((((BE STRONG BALLER.))))

 

I hope this helps

[Ballerfamily]

Thanks all. I will try to do LC. Thanks again for taking the time to give your experience an insight. Much appreciated.

 

She and I met yesterday at my little ones bball practice. She was upset about something, and would hardly talk. My older son and I were going to a basketball tournament, and she had to keep the youngest with her. She didnt seem happy, as it seemed she wanted to do activites with her friends. Her enabling girl friend showed up, and I pretty well walked off by myself for the rest of practice.

 

This morning she texted me at 2:30 am, to tell me she loved me. At 3:45 am, texted me to tell me she was sorry for acting like that at the practice, but she was upset and sad.

 

 

I did not respond.