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Not Sure but tired of the BS


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Old 23rd January 2010, 6:46 PM   #1
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Not Sure but tired of the BS

I am 32 years old, and going through some marital issues. My wife of 3 years has always enjoyed going out to bars and clubs until 2 a.m. I have had a problem with that and now it is starting to resurface again. Specifically she decided to go out to a bar with friends, and neglected to tell me that the two single dudes that she works with were going too. Do I think she is cheating ...NO, but this bothers me and I am tired of compromising here. She says that I am insecure when I try to talk to her. Maybe a little. I think that its the principle that bothers me. I am so tired of waking up in the night and worrying about her. I am really considering moving on because I would never do that to her. I think it is disrespectful to stay out that late doing God knows, and I am really not cool with having single female friends(Bad idea). Keep in mind she works with all men. I am ok with that, but she gravatates towards friendships with single dudes WTF. She will not compromise she says I am just insecure. I am Tired. Please give me some normal adult advice here. Thanks
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Old 23rd January 2010, 6:56 PM   #2
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I am 32 years old, and going through some marital issues. My wife of 3 years has always enjoyed going out to bars and clubs until 2 a.m.
Red flag #1.

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Originally Posted by Jake32 View Post
I have had a problem with that and now it is starting to resurface again. Specifically she decided to go out to a bar with friends, and neglected to tell me that the two single dudes that she works with were going too.
Red flag #2.

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Originally Posted by Jake32 View Post
Do I think she is cheating ...NO,
If she's not now, it's only because she hasn't found anyone to cheat with.

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Originally Posted by Jake32 View Post
but this bothers me and I am tired of compromising here. She says that I am insecure when I try to talk to her. Maybe a little. I think that its the principle that bothers me. I am so tired of waking up in the night and worrying about her. I am really considering moving on because I would never do that to her. I think it is disrespectful to stay out that late doing God knows, and I am really not cool with having single female friends(Bad idea). Keep in mind she works with all men. I am ok with that, but she gravatates towards friendships with single dudes WTF. She will not compromise she says I am just insecure. I am Tired. Please give me some normal adult advice here. Thanks
Look, it's like this, you've been married three years and were dating/courting before that. It should be clear that SHE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE, and YOU CAN'T CHANGE HER. She still wants to go out to nightclubs/dance clubs until 2am, she still wants to get all tarted up and get groped by men on the dancefloor because she hasn't got that out of her system yet. The truth is, she has every right to do whatever she likes. Yes, it might be disrespectful, but it's equally disrespectful to try to tell a grown woman what she should or shouldn't do.

You basically have two options here: either learn to deal with it or LEAVE. And while I'm on this line, let me ask why you married someone who was going to clubs until 2am when you had a problem with it? Personally, I would never have married someone like that to begin with, and I can't understand why you thought it was somehow going to be OK after getting married if it was a problem before. I say get out of that relationship and find someone who has more in common with you.
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Old 23rd January 2010, 7:15 PM   #3
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She says that I am insecure when I try to talk to her. Maybe a little. I think that its the principle that bothers me. I am so tired of waking up in the night and worrying about her.
I'm sorry to have to say this, but I am the same age and have, or should say HAD the same problem.

In hindsight.....I was told I was insecure too when I brought this up. I will say this, she has every right to have her opinion, but if she really cares about you, then she should respect your concern and address it.

I'll be honest, I think that reaction stinks of GUILT! Whatever it is.

I let s**t like that happen for 4+ years and now I'm in a terrible spot, low esteem, and damaged because I put TOO MUCH trust in her and then got burned.

If you have enough strength to lay it on the line with her and walk if it indeed doesn't follow the principles you value....please take that opportunity to move on. I wish I had.

If the discussion turns into an argument, I can tell you that it will just continue..no matter what she says.

Best of luck...and keep posting....It helps..Trust Me.
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Old 23rd January 2010, 8:30 PM   #4
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I know Im an idiot

Thanks for your input. I think I should give a little more background. These late night outings only happen about 3 or 4 times a year. She gets all dressed up, and goes out. I just am at the point where I cant take it anymore. I feel disrespected when she has friendships with single guys outside of work. They are on her phone, and facebook etc. How much she actually talks to them I dont know. I do know one thing I have no single female friends unless they are family, and I never stay out past 10pm, so I cant put her in my shoes. If I tell her"How would you feel if I worked with all women and chose to have outside relationships with the single ones?" She cant see what It feels like cause I would never do that IM MARRIED. as far as me being stupid for marrying someone like that I know I am. Just one problem I love her. I just am tired of being a doormat.
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Old 23rd January 2010, 8:36 PM   #5
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Thanks for your input. I think I should give a little more background. These late night outings only happen about 3 or 4 times a year. She gets all dressed up, and goes out. I just am at the point where I cant take it anymore. I feel disrespected when she has friendships with single guys outside of work. They are on her phone, and facebook etc. How much she actually talks to them I dont know. I do know one thing I have no single female friends unless they are family, and I never stay out past 10pm, so I cant put her in my shoes. If I tell her"How would you feel if I worked with all women and chose to have outside relationships with the single ones?" She cant see what It feels like cause I would never do that IM MARRIED. as far as me being stupid for marrying someone like that I know I am. Just one problem I love her. I just am tired of being a doormat.
Personally, I wouldn't be worried if it was only 3 or 4 times a year. I can understand how it would be a problem if it was every weekend, but if it's only 3 or 4 times a year, I don't think it's that big of a problem.

However, the point still remains, you can't change her. If that's what she wants to do, she has every right to keep doing it. She's already made it clear to you that she has no intention of stopping, you need to either accept it, or stand on your own two feet and walk away. They really are your only two options, and all the begging, pleading, trying to "reason" or threatening in the world will only delay the choice a little.
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Old 23rd January 2010, 8:41 PM   #6
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Just one problem I love her. I just am tired of being a doormat.
Two things:

1. You can love her and let her go.

2. You're in charge of being a doormat. She can't fix that part.

If you feel disrespected and that your marriage is not her priority, tell her that, directly, and that, if it continues, you see no alternative but to end the marriage. If you've truly been a doormat, this will shock her.

Your fear will be that she won't care and will just hook up with one of those male 'friends' or someone else. Personally, I don't think she'd have a problem cheating. Women who are married and gather attention from single men (or other married men, as has been my experience) have flexible boundaries. Your fear is valid. Face it.
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Old 23rd January 2010, 9:21 PM   #7
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I am 32 years old, and going through some marital issues. My wife of 3 years has always enjoyed going out to bars and clubs until 2 a.m. I have had a problem with that and now it is starting to resurface again. Specifically she decided to go out to a bar with friends, and neglected to tell me that the two single dudes that she works with were going too. Do I think she is cheating ...NO, but this bothers me and I am tired of compromising here. She says that I am insecure when I try to talk to her. Maybe a little. I think that its the principle that bothers me. I am so tired of waking up in the night and worrying about her. I am really considering moving on because I would never do that to her. I think it is disrespectful to stay out that late doing God knows, and I am really not cool with having single female friends(Bad idea). Keep in mind she works with all men. I am ok with that, but she gravatates towards friendships with single dudes WTF. She will not compromise she says I am just insecure. I am Tired. Please give me some normal adult advice here. Thanks
You tried to communicate to her that this behavior is troubling you and her response is to insult you ("shaming language") instead of trying to find an amicable solution. That isn't respectful of a partner in marriage.

Marriage counseling is a wise choice here. If she doesn't want to work on it there perhaps separation for a while?
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Old 23rd January 2010, 9:23 PM   #8
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Women who are married and gather attention from single men (or other married men, as has been my experience) have flexible boundaries.
Very true...
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Old 23rd January 2010, 10:17 PM   #9
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If she's only doing it 3-4 times a year, I don't at all see the problem.
That's only one night every 3-4 months. If she was doing it every weekend, I'd totally understand your reaction.

So what, every 4 months she gets dressed up and goes out with her friends! I used to do this when married maybe once a month and so did my husband. Sure, I got hit on- but I didn't ever cheat on him. You can't control who hits on your wife when you aren't around, and you can't expect to control your wife.

Staying connected to friends is important after you get married.
Now that you're married, you don't want to go out with the guys to have some beers and watch a game or play pool once and a while?

3-4 times a year? I can't believe this is making you think of leaving her.
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Old 23rd January 2010, 10:20 PM   #10
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jake, next time she pulls that just follow her azz to the club. hang out in the shadows and see whats going on. if she sees you and gets upset,you'll have all the answers you need.
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