lovelydivorcee Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 Hi guys. Ex sending mixed signals. I'm pretty sure he's intentionally halting me from moving on. We were separated Feb2008, divorce was finalized October 2009. But I've been dating him, allowing him to waltz in and out of my life. We have children together so NC wasn't really optional. the last 2 weeks I've really put effort into LC. Still he sends a text or email daily. This morning he says he doesn't understand why I am so mean to him. He says this when I cease being his plaything. He says I'm an important part of his life. It hurts him to be distant with me. How do I respond? Ignore him? Tell him to take a hike? Under no circumstances can we be friends. I still love him and my heart still hurts. I just realized I allow myself to hurt because I haven't put him out of my life completely. What should I be doing? I feel hopeless... Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 A little clarity is needed. Does he live alone? Who are the kids with? Where is he when he isn't 'waltzing' into your life? If you feel he's seeing someone else, then you have the right to shut him down. You have that right anyway. I get the impression that you're skeptical and if so, why? What has he done, or is doing to make you feel like that? If however, he cheated on you then that's a different story. He must give you the time and space to sort through your feelings, and it isn't right that he tries to make you feel guilty. That's a red flag. He will if he truly loves you, he do the things that are best for you...what you ask for. If not...why bother? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovelydivorcee Posted January 22, 2010 Author Share Posted January 22, 2010 (edited) Steadfast, Thanks for responding. The children live with me, their mommy. I left him due to excessive contact with other women...5040 texts in a single month, chatting, addicted to the internet, online contact, porn, etc. All while ignoring the wife he had at home. I left him in the home we shared together as a family and moved back in with my mother to sort things out. Fast forward 2 years, I'm sill living with my mother with our children. I think he likes the idea of being married but not the commitment. When I said he waltzes in and out of my life, he won't focus on working on getting us, our family, and now our marriage back. Only half attempts. He said I never made him feel like he mattered and my attitude was terrible. Well, I haven't mastered having a great attitude while knowing my husband is involved with other women. He lives in the family home with his 2 teens from a previous relationship. I called him cake eating because for the 2 years we've been separated and now divorced, he seems content to just have me and the children over for the weekends but resumes a single life during the week. He told me today in a text I was so important to him and a major part of his life. in November we were going out and spending time together. I thought it was a positive sign. My heart has been so broken over this man. So I wanted to be cautious. I asked was he still dealing with other women, if so I could not trust him with my heart. He told me he would cease contact with other women when he felt like I was showing him he mattered to me. Honestly, when I type this out asking for clarity I feel so silly. I hate that I still love him and I still allow him so much control over my happiness. Edited January 22, 2010 by lovelydivorcee Link to post Share on other sites
floridapad Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 I asked was he still dealing with other women, if so I could not trust him with my heart. He told me he would cease contact with other women when he felt like I was showing him he mattered to me. Wait a second. I think I am unclear on something. HE has an affair and is waiting for YOU to show he matters. Your being "gaslighted". He needs to be the first to make the gesture. If YOU mattered, truly mattered, he would dump the OW to focus on you. To answer your original question. Yes he is completely cake eating you. While he is having his "marital security" needs met from you he is having some other needs met by the OW. The only way to deal with some one when they are cake eating is to go Hard LC. No more dating him. Let him know you love him but it is too painful that he is not willing to make the gesture of letting her go and it is time for YOU to let go of HIM and then tell him to stop texting you or e-mailing you etc. etc. unless its related to the children. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 ...He said I never made him feel like he mattered and my attitude was terrible. Well, I haven't mastered having a great attitude while knowing my husband is involved with other women... That's 'Wayward Logic'. You must remember he is not concerned about your feelings LD; only his. By using the love you have for him against you, he wants to keep you on the hook by coming across as the confused, love starved victim. Right and wrong doesn't matter. HE matters. I asked was he still dealing with other women, if so I could not trust him with my heart. He told me he would cease contact with other women when he felt like I was showing him he mattered to me. Boy, this guy is good. I almost admire his 'fool proof' system of escaping blame and making sure that whatever bad happens, you're the reason. Only the bad though. He'll take credit for the positives. I know you still love him, so set this boundary: No more dating or communication of any kind (save for financial or child issues) until he totally ceases all contact with other women, and is willing to prove it. Period. No exceptions. If he waffles, show him the door. We can't make someone love us LD, but we can choose how we wish to be treated. Look at this as doing something healthy for you; not 'against' him. Someone must love you, and right now that someone is yourself. Post often. We're here to listen and you have plenty of company- Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 Move on with your life! He's not marriage matterial! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovelydivorcee Posted January 23, 2010 Author Share Posted January 23, 2010 Gunny...Gunny...Gunny I've been lurking through past posts, reading up on your story etc...I've porbably read 60% of your responses posted over the last 3 weeks... I don't believe you have EVER posted such a short, quick and to-the-point response as the one you gave me...lol... I do believe you know what you're talking about! I hear ya loud and clear...I had to crack a smile when I read it. As always guys, thanks so much for reading and sharing! Link to post Share on other sites
Brooke79 Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 Wow, another women going thru this same BS. Where I am with my husband now because we have the exact same problems, texting and emailing someone else, all the while i am on LS complaining about being mistreated(basically crying for support about the relationship) and he is texting other chics, be firm with him, demand proof that he iS not doing the same things that got you guys to this point. I have read many guy' post on here who have genuine love for their spouses and would show and prove to get their wives back, if your husband does not then he is sending the message that he isn't willing to work for you and if that's so he isn't worth it like Gunny said Link to post Share on other sites
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