I made the mistake of looking at his FB yesterday

[Gypsy_Soul]

I have been really struggling to pay off the debts he left me with, vet bills, food, child care, and just raising our D alone as a single parent.

 

It has been really difficult, because I live in the middle of nowhere, and when he abandoned us, he left us with nothing, and no way to get around. He had the car.

 

So I've finally got my own car, and doing things to support myself and my D. I am still struggling, we're living on a day to day budget and have to live quite differently.

 

I know, I shouldn't have looked at his FB, but I did yesterday. I am so angry, hurt, and resentful that he has been living this whole entire time (and it's been 10 months) so carefree, partying, drinking, traveling, gambling, going to baseball games, buying new clothes, and having sex with random ppl

 

He's hanging out with younger college kids who all think he's some kind of god and hero. I just don't understand how he can have everyone fooled. He has written on his FB poems about how he's such a great father and he misses our daughter and that he's trying to get custody of her.

One girl even commented on how she cried so much after reading his poem about our Daughter.

 

Well, he lives closer to the court house than I do he can just walk there and it's been 10 months and he hasn't done anything. For me it's more challenging to get there I live 35-45 minutes away. Since I have no money for a lawyer I have to settle for law faciliator hours and days which always conflict with mine.

 

Anway, I'm upset that people on his FB which go to our school and college staff, are feeling sorry for him and saying what a great wonderful father he is and has been, and that he will be making a lot of changes for the state because he's a leader and an amazing person blah blah blah..

 

Is this wrong of me to feel like he has these people fooled? I know him more than they do. I've known him for a whole decade and lived with him. He's the type of person whom if he's loving you, he's good with you and will help out with anything in world to make sure we're taken care of. If he's not happy with you and or in love then, literally you can just die! That's how he acts towards me and our D. I feel like he tries to punish me. I don't know though.

 

I'm just upset that he's living the carefree bachelor college life with no worries and he's a 32 year old man with a child and fiance he left behind.

 

I'm really upset since I saw his facebook. I can't understand how someone can do this and not give a damn. He always says, he wants to help with things but never does. ACtions speak louder than words I know.

 

I think I've typed enough so far, I just wanted to let this out. I feeling really resentful towards him and I don't want to try to get revenge. I need to talk this out or just let it out.

 

Argh, then these young girls and parties he has his hands all over them on their ass, their breast. I know I shouldn't have looked and now I can't get these images out of my head.

Edited January 5, 2010 by GorgeousGirl

[Gypsy_Soul]

I wanted to add that I also saw his comment about how he had been single way before he even had a facebook page up and we were still together. He was living here. He was supposed to be paying bills and really wasn't for quite a few months. He also spent our daughters savings and her monthly money she gets for himself on clothing, electronics, and money for his trips and parties. His bachelor lifestyle continues and the lies.

[Steadfast]

I'm going to tell you something GorgeousGirl, and I hope you, or anyone else here won't take it the wrong way. Really, I hope so. Just hear me out.

 

After my wife and I split and the divorce was filed (four months) I had sex with someone else for the first time. This lady was totally unlike anyone I had ever dated...tall, blonde, busty...the whole nine-yards. A real head-turner, and she was really into me. She fussed, she fed me, bought me clothes...

 

...and it didn't help me feel better. Oh sure, there was temporary pleasure, but I remember driving home and thinking I felt worse than ever. Awful. Consider the fact that I had every right to seek comfort; she cheated and left me and my kids. Even great sex is short lived. Overrated.

I was still in love with my wife. My soon-to-be-ex wife. And, she knew it.

 

It was a stage...and getting through these stages is what it's all about. There's denial, remorse, self-doubt, guilt, desperation, mourning...then the anger and bitterness sets in. This can be long term. You ride it out.

 

My point here is two-fold:

 

1) Yes, men have feelings. Yes, he thinks of you but he's selfish and he'll suffer. When he's older and the reality of how his daughter sees him as a person sets in, his suffering and remorse will be stronger and longer than yours could ever be. He'll meet someone too GorgeousGirl, and he'll fall in love. But, she'll know he's a cheater who abandoned his daughter. She might be with him for a short time or a long time, but she'll know. She'll know what he's capable of. If he tries to hide it, that'll be even worse. No matter who we are, how we are and what we say, the truth comes out.

 

2) Nothing is ever as it seems. The highs aren't as high as they are projected, the lows not as deep and dark. He's painting a picture of himself for all to see but don't you fall for it. You must learn to let him go, and focus on you and your daughter. Don't worry, you will. Don't feel bad about checking his FB page or any of that. I used to drive by my ex's house, just to see if someone was with her. But I'm past it. You will be too.

 

Recognize these stages for what they are and deal. Put in your time, then it'll be over. You'll feel better, you'll learn about you. You'll make it.

[tojaz]

GREAT POST STEADFAST!!!!!!

 

GG, I'm 9months out and those temptations are still there, get that lump in my throat if see her car or if I'm in the vacinity of her place I still steal a glance at the parking lot every now and then. Facebook makes it all to easy. I just joined FB a couple days ago, and guess who the very first friend suggestion was???? The temptation was fierce and I can't say i will never click in, but I know its just going to open old wounds for me.

 

Whatever happens, there are right ways and wrong ways to cope. Everything Steadfast just said is absolutely true, your H's "healing" is short lived, reality will set in eventually.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

GG, your H sounds like a narcissist in the true sense of the personality disorder, when a naricissist loves you, you are the world, can do no wrong, but when they realise you aren't perfect (and no one is) , well like you said, you may as well die!

 

Do some reading online about it, I think you will see just what your H is and I think it will help you to make sense of his behaviour and in doing so you may be able to put all this FB c**p into perspective.

[PWSX3]

He is just trying to ignore reality but sooner or later it will hit him.

 

There are many ways to deal with divorce/separation, some use alcohol, some use sex, some except it for what it is & deal with it even though it feels so painful, but in the end that is the only way that will work.

 

Don't worry about looking, but just don't make it a habit. We all want to know what our stbx/former spouse are doing, are they hurting as much as we are but in reality it doesn't matter....

 

Just look out for yourself & use this time to better yourself...

[Gypsy_Soul]

GG, your H sounds like a narcissist in the true sense of the personality disorder, when a naricissist loves you, you are the world, can do no wrong, but when they realise you aren't perfect (and no one is) , well like you said, you may as well die!

 

Do some reading online about it, I think you will see just what your H is and I think it will help you to make sense of his behaviour and in doing so you may be able to put all this FB c**p into perspective.

 

Hi Lisa,

 

It's incredible that you said that. I did see a therapist for 5 sessions and my therapist pointed out that I may very well be dealing with a narcissistic personality. He said that people like this usually do not change or get the help that they need so it's best to stay away from them at all costs.

 

Yes I read it and all of his actions and behavior match perfectly even from his upbringing, but I still can't believe it. I guess I am in sort of a denial about him that he may actually have NPD.

 

It all makes very good sense though. I could never do all of this to another person, I just can't fathom it. I did let him know at one point how hard this entire thing has been for me.

 

His response, "I imagine that it is. Being with a person leaves an imprint. I could turn my emotions on and off. When you're a bastard and loved by so many, while unwanted by so few and you lose most of the people you loved then it helps contribute to you being that way"

 

His mom was a drug addict and sold him to his grandparents whom then died when he was 14. When he was 7 years old she came to visit them and his grandmother asked his mom if she wanted him back, and she gave him a look of disgust and said, "NO!"

 

So for him to say that he can turn off his emotions is unfathomable to me, even if he was rejected by his own mother. I can't do it.

[Gypsy_Soul]

I'm going to tell you something GorgeousGirl, and I hope you, or anyone else here won't take it the wrong way. Really, I hope so. Just hear me out.

 

After my wife and I split and the divorce was filed (four months) I had sex with someone else for the first time. This lady was totally unlike anyone I had ever dated...tall, blonde, busty...the whole nine-yards. A real head-turner, and she was really into me. She fussed, she fed me, bought me clothes...

 

...and it didn't help me feel better. Oh sure, there was temporary pleasure, but I remember driving home and thinking I felt worse than ever. Awful. Consider the fact that I had every right to seek comfort; she cheated and left me and my kids. Even great sex is short lived. Overrated.

I was still in love with my wife. My soon-to-be-ex wife. And, she knew it.

 

It was a stage...and getting through these stages is what it's all about. There's denial, remorse, self-doubt, guilt, desperation, mourning...then the anger and bitterness sets in. This can be long term. You ride it out.

 

My point here is two-fold:

 

1) Yes, men have feelings. Yes, he thinks of you but he's selfish and he'll suffer. I think he is being really selfish right now. I don't think he realizes how painful it is or the hurt. I told him this and his response, "Hurt is not purposeful by me. I really do want you to be happy and find someone. I like the whole love thing and I even like the lust thing but I have to be stingy with this thing or I'll have problems I don't need." I don't know what problems he's talking about other than he'd have to take on his responsibility as a parent and that of being together with someone. He said that "I loved women and being on lockdown made me want to be adored even more" When he's older and the reality of how his daughter sees him as a person sets in, his suffering and remorse will be stronger and longer than yours could ever be. He'll meet someone too GorgeousGirl, and he'll fall in love. But, she'll know he's a cheater who abandoned his daughter. She might be with him for a short time or a long time, but she'll know. She'll know what he's capable of. If he tries to hide it, that'll be even worse. No matter who we are, how we are and what we say, the truth comes out.

 

2) Nothing is ever as it seems. The highs aren't as high as they are projected, the lows not as deep and dark. He's painting a picture of himself for all to see but don't you fall for it. You must learn to let him go, and focus on you and your daughter. Don't worry, you will. Don't feel bad about checking his FB page or any of that. I used to drive by my ex's house, just to see if someone was with her. But I'm past it. You will be too.

 

Recognize these stages for what they are and deal. Put in your time, then it'll be over. You'll feel better, you'll learn about you. You'll make it.

 

Thank you, I guess this is a stage I'm going through right now. It's horrible this feeling. I sometimes feel like I don't know how much more I can take. It's so draining , overwhelming and painful. I don't know I think he really is ejoying his highs as much as it seems. He is enjoying his freedom. He said he can turn off his emotions or turn them on. I don't know if he will ever feel any remorse.

[Steadfast]

 

Thank you, I guess this is a stage I'm going through right now. It's horrible this feeling. I sometimes feel like I don't know how much more I can take. It's so draining , overwhelming and painful. I don't know I think he really is ejoying his highs as much as it seems. He is enjoying his freedom. He said he can turn off his emotions or turn them on. I don't know if he will ever feel any remorse.

 

 

Is that what you really want GorgeousGirl? For him to suffer? Do you want him to return (out of guilt) and beg for your forgiveness? Think about it. That is not a happy, healthy marriage but love, compassion, caring and tenderness is. Maybe the issue is control, and I can relate. Let me explain:

 

Sometime after my wife and I split, I came to the realization that a lot of my 'so called' heartache was a loss of control over her. But, it wasn't just control for control sake...I cared about her. I worried about her. I loved her. Suddenly, all that love had nowhere to go and it made me feel lost.

 

Like everything else I finally let that go too, and when I did I was better able to deal with the fact that she didn't love me anymore, wasn't attracted to me, wanted to (and did) have sex with others and not me. This is a hard fought realization...and it doesn't happen right away.

 

Finally, who cares what he is or isn't feeling? I know you do (now) but when you finally realize that there is nothing you can do about it, you'll stop wasting energy on it and move on. When he loses you, he'll know.

 

Gunny says when we search deep inside for answers to questions about our ex's, we find none, but discover ourselves instead. This is your path.

 

Keep posted and working. You'll make it-

[mikeymad]

when we search deep inside for answers to questions about our ex's, we find none, but discover ourselves instead.

 

wow. amazing. that just hit me on the head with a hammer.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Is that what you really want GorgeousGirl? For him to suffer? Do you want him to return (out of guilt) and beg for your forgiveness? Think about it. That is not a happy, healthy marriage but love, compassion, caring and tenderness is. Maybe the issue is control, and I can relate. Let me explain:

 

Sometime after my wife and I split, I came to the realization that a lot of my 'so called' heartache was a loss of control over her. But, it wasn't just control for control sake...I cared about her. I worried about her. I loved her. Suddenly, all that love had nowhere to go and it made me feel lost.

 

Like everything else I finally let that go too, and when I did I was better able to deal with the fact that she didn't love me anymore, wasn't attracted to me, wanted to (and did) have sex with others and not me. This is a hard fought realization...and it doesn't happen right away.

 

Finally, who cares what he is or isn't feeling? I know you do (now) but when you finally realize that there is nothing you can do about it, you'll stop wasting energy on it and move on. When he loses you, he'll know.

 

Gunny says when we search deep inside for answers to questions about our ex's, we find none, but discover ourselves instead. This is your path.

 

Keep posted and working. You'll make it-

 

In the beginning I did wish that he would be remorsful and come back. Now it's more like a feeling of wanting him to feel or acknowledge how much hurt he has caused. I don't want him to suffer and want to come back. (maybe now a little so I can turn him down) I just want him to show that he is apologetic, and try to help me out and pay me back for what he owes.

 

The way he went about leaving was totally messed up. Yet he still feels he has done nothing wrong, and feels he's a great dad a saint (he said this himself) and I was the one at fault for everything. He also is telling everyone that he wants to see his daughter but I won't let him, yet it's not in his schedule to be there for her as a parent.

 

I'm just saying that I wish he had empathy and concern. Which I really do not think he does but for himself and what he can get out of things. I want him to feel.

 

You're right though, who cares what he is feeling, I just wish it was that easy. This entire thing has me feeling worthless, like I wasted all of these years with this person helping him further in his education but he never for me. Now I'm stuck here in this dead-end town and a single mother with lots of pets and bills. While he's enjoying himself.

 

I haven't accomplished anything because I allowed someone to sell me a dream. It would be nice if he would stop lying so much to me and other people.

 

People say that I'm very attractive all the time but this entire thing has me feeling ugly. I can't just get up and go on a date, or go on trips, and splurge on myself. If I did that then I'd be the selfish one.

 

I guess that's where the control part come in?

[El Ben]

Is that what you really want GorgeousGirl? For him to suffer? Do you want him to return (out of guilt) and beg for your forgiveness? Think about it. That is not a happy, healthy marriage but love, compassion, caring and tenderness is. Maybe the issue is control, and I can relate. Let me explain:

 

Sometime after my wife and I split, I came to the realization that a lot of my 'so called' heartache was a loss of control over her. But, it wasn't just control for control sake...I cared about her. I worried about her. I loved her. Suddenly, all that love had nowhere to go and it made me feel lost.

 

Like everything else I finally let that go too, and when I did I was better able to deal with the fact that she didn't love me anymore, wasn't attracted to me, wanted to (and did) have sex with others and not me. This is a hard fought realization...and it doesn't happen right away.

 

Finally, who cares what he is or isn't feeling? I know you do (now) but when you finally realize that there is nothing you can do about it, you'll stop wasting energy on it and move on. When he loses you, he'll know.

 

Gunny says when we search deep inside for answers to questions about our ex's, we find none, but discover ourselves instead. This is your path.

 

Keep posted and working. You'll make it-

 

 

Excellent post!

[DenverBachelor]

Any man who has a child and doesn't support that child is the biggest piece of **** on the face of the planet. You don't abandon blood. You just don't. A man who does this isn't a man but a coward -- a worthless walking piece of scum.

 

Absolutely unbelievable that any man could do this. I don't understand it.

[LisaUk]

In the beginning I did wish that he would be remorsful and come back. Now it's more like a feeling of wanting him to feel or acknowledge how much hurt he has caused. He never will GG, he is narcisstic, he is incapable of feeling. That line in your post above, he wants to be adored, that tells me all I need to know to know 100% NPD. Some may come on and say I can't say that without knowing him, but really how many people do you know that would say out loud to someone "I want to be adored"! I don't want him to suffer and want to come back. (maybe now a little so I can turn him down) I just want him to show that he is apologetic, and try to help me out and pay me back for what he owes.

 

The way he went about leaving was totally messed up. Yet he still feels he has done nothing wrong,B/c he is incapable of empathy and feels he's a great dad a saint (he said this himself) and I was the one at fault for everything.You would be b/c he's narcisstic, the only person who is ever right is them! He also is telling everyone that he wants to see his daughter but I won't let him, yet it's not in his schedule to be there for her as a parent.

 

I'm just saying that I wish he had empathy and concern. Which I really do not think he does but for himself and what he can get out of things. I want him to feel. As I said above. Tell me GG when you would sit any speak to him, was he easily distracted by the TV for example? Could you have been in the middle of an important conversation and his attention would wonder? When you were stood in the kitchen with him and he was fixing a sandwich, would he offer you anything to eat or would he just fix one for himself?

 

You're right though, who cares what he is feeling, I just wish it was that easy. This entire thing has me feeling worthless, like I wasted all of these years with this person helping him further in his education but he never for me. Now I'm stuck here in this dead-end town and a single mother with lots of pets and bills. While he's enjoying himself. First, YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS! This is his issue, not yours. You are a fantastic mother and that little girl loves. You're making the best of a terrible situation, getting through looking after your daughter and the pets, you're a good, worthwhile person, don't let this b*****d destroy you, you're worth more than that. Secondly, beleive me when I say, he may appear to be having a good time, but a person with NPD is NEVER having a good time, there life is a constant tug of emotion, the deep desire to be loved and adored yet never attaining it. So in love with himself (his own refelction) yet never really truely understanding love or loving himself. Really, I pity him, I don't excuse him, but it's a shallow existence. You're therapist is correct, NPD very rarely seek help and change, it's so deep rooted, stay well away from him now you know what he is and protect your daughter. If there is one blessing to come from all this and the fact he shows no interest in his daughter, it is that you will be able to raise her with love, compassion and understanding and she will be a happy well rounded indivdual.

 

I haven't accomplished anything because I allowed someone to sell me a dream. It would be nice if he would stop lying so much to me and other people. Now is time for you! Keep plodding along, you're doing great and soon when you get a handle on things, you can start to think about what you would like for your and your daughters life. Perhaps some night classes? A new hobby, volunterring, all these things lead to new opportunities and new people. Treat this as your chance to do all those things you wanted to do. I know it's hard when you have very little money and a child, but try and look for ways round that, one way first off would be to file and get that child support you are entitled to.

 

People say that I'm very attractive all the time but this entire thing has me feeling ugly. I can't just get up and go on a date, or go on trips, and splurge on myself. If I did that then I'd be the selfish one. It's not selfish hun for you to have a little of what you enjoy in life. When mom is happy your child will happy. Sometimes just a new lipstick (a cheap one) can brighten your spirits. Maybe a night out, if you can get a sitter, go to a bar, it's amazing how much a bit of male attention will do for the self esteem.

 

I guess that's where the control part come in?

 

This isn't about you needing to be in control sweetie, this is his problem. Read some more about NPD and you will see this was never about you.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Hello everyone, I haven't had time to respond to my thread. I will hopefully have more time tonight. Thanks for all of your responses thus far.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Is that what you really want GorgeousGirl? For him to suffer? Do you want him to return (out of guilt) and beg for your forgiveness? Think about it. That is not a happy, healthy marriage but love, compassion, caring and tenderness is. Maybe the issue is control, and I can relate. Let me explain:

 

Sometime after my wife and I split, I came to the realization that a lot of my 'so called' heartache was a loss of control over her. But, it wasn't just control for control sake...I cared about her. I worried about her. I loved her. Suddenly, all that love had nowhere to go and it made me feel lost. Hi Steadfast, yes you are absolutely right. It took me a few times to read this over a few times to actually grasp what you are saying. I guess it is a bit of a loss of not having any control. I can't make him feel or do anything. I have to learn to let him go.

 

Like everything else I finally let that go too, and when I did I was better able to deal with the fact that she didn't love me anymore, wasn't attracted to me, wanted to (and did) have sex with others and not me. This is a hard fought realization...and it doesn't happen right away. This is the hardest part, especially on my self-esteem.

 

Finally, who cares what he is or isn't feeling? I know you do (now) but when you finally realize that there is nothing you can do about it, you'll stop wasting energy on it and move on. When he loses you, he'll know.

 

Gunny says when we search deep inside for answers to questions about our ex's, we find none, but discover ourselves instead. This is your path.

 

Keep posted and working. You'll make it-

Thank you for your caring sincere words Steadfast. I know, I now recognize this as a stage in this whole mess. Just looking at his FB made everything feel like it did in the very beginning. I did more snooping (I know I shouldn't have) because I wanted to see if he really did have another person, I was too given the ILYBNILWY speach. From reading other's posts this is a sure sign of them having someone else already.

 

Sure enough, he has. She's a young little 19 year old girl from Belize. She has other profiles from early last year saying that she's here to meet a man who will take care of her. Her grammer and spelling needs a lot of work. Of course, she will settle for him saying he's single to everyone especially on his social networks. I guess they leave their long-time mates for someone who settles for this type of treatment and won't ask questions.

 

In doing this, I feel a bit of a relief at the same time. For my self-esteem at least. I'm still angry and hurt by the way he abandoned us without necessities so he can be a bachelor. What hurts most it seems he's really enjoying himself, while I'm struggling day-to-day. I know I took heed to everyone's words especially Steadfast that it is short-lived.

 

I'm finishing up the custody paperwork and I have a mediation scheduled for February. I can't get child support from him because he is on disability. He can work but he had a doctor who gives out weed prescriptions to say that he is disabled because he's blind in one eye. So, he uses all his disability money on himself and the only thing he does is go to school and is a member for so the student senate for community colleges among other things so he can feel important.

 

This isn't the first time he has left me in the same situation. Before he left me for someone else and stayed with her for 2 months. When I did research I found a lot of things about this woman. She was an escort, she lost custody of all of her 4 children, she did a few adult films, and they only knew each other for 2 weeks before she moved out here and was paying for his books and tuition.

 

At that time he left me in the same predicament without necessities and such. He tried to take my daughter from me to go live with him and this woman. Our daughter was a baby at that time. So she hardly remembers any of it. Now it's the second time, my daughter is older, and he's been gone for about 10 months.

 

I just hope that he doesn't try to bring this little 19 year old girl he's messing with around our daughter. Who knows what her background is. He makes bad choices in the type of women he gets with. I can confidently say that I was the exception.

 

He has also left our daughter before for 2 days, without my knowledge, with a woman who lost her. My daughter was really upset about it. She was crying to me about it. So you see, it's a concern to me. I don't trust him enough to leave her with him, because he might leave her around irresponsible people who will lose her or people whom are escorts that lost custody of their own children.

 

I still want her to have a relationship with his daughter and for him to pick up his slack of the parenting. I am overwhelmed. If anyone has any child custody experience and advice. Please feel free to post. Thank you all for responding.

[Gypsy_Soul]

"I'm just saying that I wish he had empathy and concern. Which I really do not think he does but for himself and what he can get out of things. I want him to feel. As I said above. Tell me GG when you would sit any speak to him, was he easily distracted by the TV for example? Could you have been in the middle of an important conversation and his attention would wonder? When you were stood in the kitchen with him and he was fixing a sandwich, would he offer you anything to eat or would he just fix one for himself?"

 

 

Well, it was anything like that exactly. It was other things now that you mention it. For example, whenever I'd talk to him about one of my ideas that I have about what I want to accomplish in the future for myself or for other's in the world, he would get this look on his face of disbelief.

 

To me it seemed that way, or his face could have been that envy? Whatever his expression was it's hard to explain. He would stare at me blankly while I'd talk to him about it. Then as if he wasn't even listening to what I was saying he'd say something like, "Oh, yea, I always wanted to help people do this and do that, and I always, something something"

 

It was like he was trying to compete with everything I said, my thoughts, my goals, or things that I did. When I started taking martial arts classes he then said, "OH, I always was into martial arts" Which is a lie he never, for all those years mentioned he was interested in martial arts. I always was and always brought it up but he wouldn't pay me no mind. So he went and signed up himself for the martial arts classes. He would try to out-do me in everything especially matial arts classes, school, and just about anything.

 

He would sabotage my success for school. He'd spend money so I'd have none for books, or transportion money or he'd purposely schedule his classes the same times mine were even though I had them schedule before him and he knew my schedule.

 

Whenever someone talks about what they want to do to help the community, he'd always say, "Yea me too" but yet only when he'd hear other's say it. He would never ever just out of nowhere during the time that we were together say that he had such dreams and desires.

 

It's kind of like he was trying to steal the ideas of others. It's weird. I could go on and on about his behavior. He always thinks he's better than the instructors or is smarter.

 

At one point he managed to get the academic counselor to approve him 28 units in one semester. Which is apparently was against school policy. She almost got fired because of it, and he laughed and bragged about it to people saying that he can get people to do whatever he wants.

 

So if that's a narcissist then YES, that would be him.