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after 7 years wife wants out


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wel this all started about 3 weeks ago im in iraq and my wife and i were talking one night and she had a breakdown crying she says she doesnt love me anymore and she resents me for what i dont know its gone on and weve gone back and forth and i still have no answers so i turned to my own life and decided on the things im going to change to better our relationship and she just shut down even more shes moved in with her mom she swears theres no one else and i just dont know what to believe i want to believe that this can be saved i feel like it can and i think that its best for our 2 children if we do stay together but she says people dont change they just go in cycles shes asked for space so i havent been writing her for the last couple of days shes changed her phone number so i just have too guess when shes at home and try there and usually with no luck shes against counselling and just doesnt think we can work this out and i know we can if shed just have an open mind i dont want to let go of hope but its coming less and less everyday please help

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First off, thank you for your service in the military. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you to be going through this while overseas. From what I read and her actions (moving in with mom, changing her cell phone number and not loving you anymore etc.), there is probably someone else. She will deny it to the bitter end. I would concentrate on being safe and your 2 children right now. Please keep posting.

 

cya

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i keep trying too think that but when i think about i9t she doesnt have any reason too lie about it and our friends shes around havent noticed anything either . either way i hope she'll come around when i get hoem and she can see me

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What does she have to gain by deserting an active duty military spouse and divorcing him? Think about that.

 

Contact your CO and ask for emergency leave. The answer will likely be negative, but your request and pattern of response will be in the record.

 

Request counseling. There's nothing worse IMO than facing bullets and knowing your spouse and children may not be there if you return alive.

 

You have my sympathies. My father's first wife left him for another man at home while he was active duty during WW2 in Italy. Back then, there were only letters, of which I have many. I have my opinion of such female pond scum, but the focus is on you and your options. Make use of your military resources. There are many. Be persistent. You are who you are. Don't change yourself to try to appease a deserter. That's my advice.

 

Thanks for your service and best wishes for a safe holiday season :)

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i have already notified my command and they are sending me home im on my way now its just a long process with nothing to do but think. ive been talking to the counselors here but thats not helping because i need to know what is in her mind and she wont taqlk to me al i get is that old "i need space"routine and so i decided that rather than talk to her id find out what other people thought i truely do love her and i believe that with gods help we can work through this but she seems to have already given up

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How can she want space when you're not there? Something feels off here. It's one thing if she is truly missing you and can't handle the distance, not having you around daily..

 

I am sorry that you're hurting. Hopefully she will be open and honest, figure out a way to work this out..Whether it be in the future when you're not there, she has family stay with her, or she stays with family so she won't be alone..

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Just try to understand her. Don't have to solve all women, lol..Just trying to be funny..

 

Anyway, I do hope she realizes what she could lose by leaving. It would be crazy to give up without really trying and fixing things.

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OP, don't worry about 'understanding women'. You never will. It's meant to be that way. However, work tirelessly to understand yourself and how you behave and how that behavior reaches the world. That is what counseling can help with. It can help you react better to the great unknown which is your wife.

 

Safe travels home and I'm happy to hear you were able to get leave. Contact your stateside base Chaplain for a referral to appropriate MC. Get to it right away. Don't let your wife talk her talk outside of it. She'll have a million 'reasons'. Do not supplicate. Now is a time to remain strong and use the discipline you learned in your military service.

 

Best wishes :)

 

P.S.: If you want to read the wisdom of a retired USMC LS'er, read posts by Gunny376. Very enlightening

Edited by carhill
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OK, sorry to hear that :(

 

Now, I really recommend you read Gunny's posts. Take an hour and read. Doesn't matter where you start. He wasn't a Gunny for nothing... :)

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LakesideDream

Carhill is far to nice. "Pondscum" wouldn't have been a description that came to my mind.

 

Your wife has done the unforgivable. Sort your life, it's time to move on with your life. It gets better, but it takes time. You may not feel you have time, but you were learn that you do.

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well i found out whats up shes dating my neighbor hes like 40 and shes 26 wtf i just want to get this divorce over with

 

Don't jump the gun quite yet.. Unless you want the divorce.

Some don't give second chances.. And if you are one of those, then talk to a lawyer, make sure she doesn't screw you over.

 

Your neighbour is an a-hole.

 

Sorry for your pain..

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i am the forgiving type i will take her back at any time ive made mistakes that have hurt her so id be a hipacrit if i just shut my heart on her she'll always be the love of my life and besides i dont know if their sleeping together i just know that they hang out alot adn that she likes him

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soprrt to here what you're going through, and thank you for serving our country. your wife just don't have no morals (sorry), not sure if it's even worth saving. you patch things up till your next deployment, then what? it's always going to be in the back of your head. i wish you luck.

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i am the forgiving type i will take her back at any time ive made mistakes that have hurt her so id be a hipacrit if i just shut my heart on her she'll always be the love of my life and besides i dont know if their sleeping together i just know that they hang out alot adn that she likes him

 

Is the neighbour married too? If so, TELL his wife what has been going on.

 

Also, you should confront him, if you love your wife and want your marriage, fight for it. Don't let some guy who is whispering sweet nothings in her ear try to take her away from you.

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nope neighbor isnt married but he did have a serious girlfreind that inst around any more and i know he used to cheat on her all the time ... shes filed for divorce and an order of protection because she doesnt want me calling so im just cutting her off until i get home all i know for sure right now is that shes living with her mom and him but they claim they are just friends so nothing i can do without proof and that shes definatly playing dirty all i can hope for is that when i get home she will see this for the mistake that it is and drop the divorce and him shes had her fun now lets get back to our lives

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OP, you've 180'd from 'let's get this divorce over' to 'drop the divorce'. Somewhat normal to have vacillation of emotion but try to get a breath here. Just pointing that out :)

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how the hell can she file for a order of protection when you aren't even in the country? oh let me guess you threatened her over the phone!!:mad:

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Hey! Im in the military and I had a soldier committ suicide for the lost love of a fiancee...that was not the answer and you know it too!

 

My only concern is for your safety. Being where you are now and the responsibilties you face make for a dangerous situation. I hope your chain of command or NCO's (if enlisted) are aware....they can provide some support and make sure you don't do anything permanent.

 

Aside from that, you have two kids that admire and adore you and are extremely proud of you, as am I. They need you and you need them...they will help you when you get back.

 

My wife had an affair when I was on a long TDY (CD mission) and she had it with a cop who knew I was doing CD ops.....anyway, I recovered (I think) and moved on. Your pain will last for a long time.....sucking it up and driving on isn't really the answer as you will suffer anxiety if you just use the "mind over matter" techinque....If I don't mind it just doesn't matter!

 

My heart pours out to you and all those who have suffered the Dear John letter....it pisses me off to no end at how selfish women can be but maybe that is just a character fault in me.

 

Seek the chaplain if you really need someone else to talk to.

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