Last ditch attempt to reach out to my Wife

[FeelingLonely98]

*** Considering 1 last ditch attempt to reach out to the STBXW. ***

 

About 3 weeks or so of NC now. Three months to the day since d-day (ILYBINILWY, I want a D). She's supposed to move in with her 18 yr old BF and 20 yr old son into a new apt. in a week or so. The divorce hearing will probably be before year's end. I'm just thinking there HAS to be some doubt in her mind. She is very stubborn and prideful. She may not be able to come to me now. She may want to continue down this path she is on even if it doesn't feel right, because it would be an admission of wrongdoing in her mind if she turned around.

 

I was thinking of calling her and asking her something like Would you like to talk to me about anything going on? Your feelings? Your future? Are we both doing what is best for us? (I'm 46 , she's 47)

 

I just feel that if she moves into the apt., the D becomes final, and the holidays come and go - then I will permanently put a wall disallowing any chance of reconciliation, too much hurt. I believe if we tried NOW (or very soon), then we could make it work. (Of course if SHE wants to try as well.) If she tells me again, "This is what I want", "I'm happy with my decision", ... then I will know for sure she does not have any doubt in her head that she wants to share. THAT may actually bring me closer to a state of closure. The not knowing isn't helping ME.

 

I do know I deserve better, that I will more than likely find a better partner ("trade up" as one LSer calls it), ... BUT I would gladly take her back for a chance at "US" again as she was (is?) the love of my life. I fear that even if I get to the point where I would say no to a reconciliation if she crawled back - I will always love her with some part of my heart.

 

I know I may hear a lot of "NO, Don't do it". She is a good girl, just in a bad place right now. If you want to see her pic in happier recent times let me know, I will add you as a contact.

 

THOUGHTS??

 

Peace!

Edited November 28, 2009 by FeelingLonely98

[tojaz]

FL, I just added you to my contacts. I have pics of my ex in happier times too. Dosen't change a thing.

 

I'm not going to say don't, because I did. All it did was kick my a$$ all over again. It happens to us all. We think we know what to say, what to do, and want so desperately to put our hearts out there. In the end though, were setting ourselves up for the fall. Shes not ready unless shes taking steps in your direction. I haven't heard that shes done that yet.

 

I'm in a similar boat right now. Ex has made some contact and trying to decide if it's enough to proceed, ......or if I want to. I agree that pride all to often will keep them from coming back, but keep in mind that it isn't just in relation to you, but what she has told all the others in her life to try and justify her actions. No gesture on your part will ever erase that, that has to come from her.

 

I also know, that your not going to listen to me and do it anyways. So I'm going to suggest a short and sweet, "Is this what you want?" and then regardless of the answer, keep your shoulders back and your head held high in the knowledge you did all that you could. Regardless of what you decide to do FL, be careful with your heart.

TOJAZ

[FeelingLonely98]

Pride all to often will keep them from coming back, but keep in mind that it isn't just in relation to you, but what she has told all the others in her life

 

And my W has more pride than most. Hispanic heritage - extremely prideful. The only ones she's told that bought her story about why she "ran" are the friends. The family doesn't buy it one bit and they are disgusted with her and hate the 18 yr old BF. Nevertheless, the friends that she has told how much I am a monster to - well, she would have to explain a reconciliation to them. I know they all encouraged her to leave him, follow your heart, life is short, ...

 

I also know, that your not going to listen to me

 

I am nowhere near doing this - if I ever do it. I truly will listen to you and all other posts as well. That's why I am posting now... will give me time to think.

 

TY.

[LucreziaBorgia]

This is going to sound terrible, but how is the 20 year old son restraining himself from beating the dogsh*t out of the 18 year old that is involved with his mother?

 

The humiliation and heartbreak that are around the corner for this woman are looming. She is going to get dumped, and she is going to wake up feeling old, lonely and foolish for throwing away everything on a little boy.

 

At this point, nothing you do or say will rout her out of that situation. All you have to do is wait.

 

That will happen, you can bet on it. Will you be there when she tumbles and falls? Would you want to be?

Edited November 28, 2009 by LucreziaBorgia

[broken hearted]

I say do it FL98! I am in the process of writing my husband a letter and I plan on laying my heart on the line one last time! I love that man more than words can explain and I have learned a lot about myself and my BIG mistakes in our marriage! I know his actions were entirely his own doing and his own choices but...I can't be certain that I wouldn't have left him if he'd of pushed me away and treated me the way I did him after our son was born. Please don't correct me anyone bc I know I am very responsible for being without the one man who holds my heart right now. This is the truth, not me just making excuses for him! He always was an amazing man, boyfriend, husband, lover, EVERYTHING until the very end and the very end has a lot to do with my faults and mistakes!

[Brightmoon]

This is going to sound terrible, but how is the 20 year old son restraining himself from beating the dogsh*t out of the 18 year old that is involved with his mother?

 

The humiliation and heartbreak that are around the corner for this woman are looming. She is going to get dumped, and she is going to wake up feeling old, lonely and foolish for throwing away everything on a little boy.

 

At this point, nothing you do or say will rout her out of that situation. All you have to do is wait.

 

That will happen, you can bet on it. Will you be there when she tumbles and falls? Would you want to be?

 

100% agree.

It's a matter of time.

 

All the best to you FL.

[hopesndreams]

She may want to continue down this path she is on even if it doesn't feel right, because it would be an admission of wrongdoing in her mind if she turned around.

There is your answer. Her plans are set and she has to follow through, with or without doubts, with or without one last ditch effort by you.

[Angel1111]

Honestly, I don't think it has occured to her that you would ever draw the line - so she probably has lost all respect for you because you're too easy and she knows that she can walk all over you; and she probably also assumes that when she's done with this 'child', she can always run back to you. I'm guessing that's exactly what will happen, too. This woman's actions are disgusting and I don't know how you think you could ever trust her, much less want to be with her again. If the two of you got back together, the exact same dynamics would start all over again. Not to be disrespectful, but it has been my experience that a lot (not all) of Latin women are total drama queens, and they're so completely irrational I don't know how men stand them. You call her behavior stubborn, I call it so stupid that it's unimaginable. She's showing you her true colors and you're still ignoring the signs. It probably doesn't matter if you call her or not - but if you need closure, then go for it. But, make no mistake, there's no 'happily ever after' story here.

[trippi1432]

She may want to continue down this path she is on even if it doesn't feel right, because it would be an admission of wrongdoing in her mind if she turned around.

 

There is your answer. Her plans are set and she has to follow through, with or without doubts, with or without one last ditch effort by you.

 

Good advice here FL98....I gave mine an ultimatum and the answer I got back told me alot about the affair that he hasn't even admitted to yet. Don't set yourself up for more heartache, be very careful....

[floridapad]

FL,

 

I'm sorry to say they are all right. Her plans are set as misguided as they may be. As I mentioned to you before, As painful as it is, this is the course that MUST happen in order for her to come into the world of reality and hit bottom. Sad but true. How long do you think an 18 year old and 47 year old are going to last living together?

 

If you do ultimately chose to extend and olive branch one more time, please guard yourself. I think her answer will be thanks but no thanks. Have no expectations. She has not given you ANY inclination that she is ready yet. If you truly want to work something out down the road you may want to consider LC instead of NC. NC simply does not work to get someone back. As time passes you can reassess the situation. Live for yourself. She has to get through her stuff and it could take a while.

[FeelingLonely98]

FP (and others) - Thanks.

(FP - Maybe we can talk on the phone later this weekend?)

 

I think IF I do do this - it will be because I am finally fed up with this and I'm sort of drawing a line in the sand, to use Angel1111's analogy. I have been too nice. LC or NC - doesn't matter - I can't keep doing this to myself indefinitely. Even though she's given me no signs otherwise - I can not believe she actually thinks wholeheartedly that she has chosen the best path for her.

I am still amenable to trying to fix this but it has to be very soon or screw it. We had too much good in 16 yrs and almost no bad times for it to be impossible. It is up to her.

If I do go in for this "meeting" I will be protective.

BUT, I still don't know what to do. I'd hate to get to this point of no return feeling (i.e., unwilling to try and reconcile anymore) on my part regretting that I didn't give it one last shot.

Three scenarios I see:

1) I talk to her and she rejects everything and it's over forever.

2) IF I do nothing and another month goes by it is over forever.

3) I do nothing and she comes to me on her own in the next week or so.

#3 is a million to one chance. It's either 1 or 2.

 

TY again. I am still listening. I have not made up my mind.

[curiou]

What others said.

 

I disagree with your statement that you haven't drawn a line in the sand. You have. You've been NC for three weeks.

 

But . . . I feel as if you're leaning towards doing it. So do it. It might help to resolve your internal conflicts. It sounds like you need closure. I'd burn pictures of her in effigy, but hey, that's me, and everyone knows I made the same mistakes . . . Most often, these last-ditch letters, emotional phone calls, etc. just lead to more heartache, but who knows? I hope you're careful not to left your final appeal degenerate into some uxorious gibberish and that you're able to maintain your pride. Good luck.

[FeelingLonely98]

I hope you're careful not to left your final appeal degenerate into some uxorious gibberish and that you're able to maintain your pride. Good luck.

 

That will never happen. That is not me. I will never become that person - not for anybody. IF I do anything it will be with dignity, ... AND pride.

[PWSX3]

Set down & make a list, make a list of things you feel are important in a partner. You don't want someone to fulfill your life, but to share your life.

 

Was she fulfilling a void in your life that you feel you can't do without???

 

Once you make that list start looking at it & see really how many your stbw falls into.

My counselor had me do this & I was amazed at how much I had changed after we had been separated for 7 months & back together for almost a year.

 

I was growing & learning who I was without even knowing it.

 

As long as the OB (other boy) is in her life he is the drug she is feeding off & will NOT listen to anything you say.

 

I really do believe there are some serious issues she needs to deal with & until she hits bottom she won't be able to do that. I wouldn't say anything to her, do as much NC as possible to help you look at yourself & see what she does, not what she says.....

[Beebie]

*** Considering 1 last ditch attempt to reach out to the STBXW. ***

 

About 3 weeks or so of NC now. Three months to the day since d-day (ILYBINILWY, I want a D). She's supposed to move in with her 18 yr old BF and 20 yr old son into a new apt. in a week or so. The divorce hearing will probably be before year's end. I'm just thinking there HAS to be some doubt in her mind. She is very stubborn and prideful. She may not be able to come to me now. She may want to continue down this path she is on even if it doesn't feel right, because it would be an admission of wrongdoing in her mind if she turned around.

 

I was thinking of calling her and asking her something like Would you like to talk to me about anything going on? Your feelings? Your future? Are we both doing what is best for us? (I'm 46 , she's 47)

 

I just feel that if she moves into the apt., the D becomes final, and the holidays come and go - then I will permanently put a wall disallowing any chance of reconciliation, too much hurt. I believe if we tried NOW (or very soon), then we could make it work. (Of course if SHE wants to try as well.) If she tells me again, "This is what I want", "I'm happy with my decision", ... then I will know for sure she does not have any doubt in her head that she wants to share. THAT may actually bring me closer to a state of closure. The not knowing isn't helping ME.

 

I do know I deserve better, that I will more than likely find a better partner ("trade up" as one LSer calls it), ... BUT I would gladly take her back for a chance at "US" again as she was (is?) the love of my life. I fear that even if I get to the point where I would say no to a reconciliation if she crawled back - I will always love her with some part of my heart.

 

I know I may hear a lot of "NO, Don't do it". She is a good girl, just in a bad place right now. If you want to see her pic in happier recent times let me know, I will add you as a contact.

 

THOUGHTS??

 

Peace!

 

FL98 - I TOTALLY understand you here. I too am making one last ditch effort to save my 15 year marriage. You know my story and I had my meeting with H on Thursday night (and Friday) to try to build a bridge between us. We talked for a while and I put everything forward as to how we COULD work to resolve the issues that have driven him to wanting the marriage to end. At this stage, it's difficult to ascertain what impact our talk had on him. I THINK I may have made a little progress but it's hard to gauge what he's thinking. He still seems distant but I'm hoping he's thinking about what I said.

 

BUT, he said something which made me wonder. He asked how it would be possible for both of us to face each others families (I could face his family because he's the one who's leaving me). I told him if we did get back together, then each of our families would have to stay out of sight for a while until we'd built a stronger relationship, and we could deal with that re-introduction much later on. For the time being we would have to concentrate SOLELY on ourselves no matter what other people think.

 

Questions I have asked myself these last 24 hours:

 

Could I forgive his EMA?

Could we ever get back to what we used to be?

Would I EVER be able to totally trust him again?

 

MY answer to these questions is - HOPEFULLY. And that convinced me to make the effort. I kept my dignity and pride intact throughout my meeting with H and I didn't beg or look weak. I JUST TRIED to make it clear to him that I still think our marriage is worth saving.

 

At the end of the day, this is YOUR marriage and it's clear how much you still love her. If you think you still have a chance of reaching her then I would say go for it. If you keep your dignity and pride then I don't see what you've got to lose. Her affair with the 18 YO is NEVER going to last - she must know that and she must have thought about what she's going to do when it DOES end. I'm sure you've asked yourself the same questions I have asked myself. Go with your own feelings FL98. It may work out for both you and myself with our spouses - or it may not. But when I turn out the light at the end of the day, I'll know I FOUGHT to the end to save my marriage and if I couldn't save it, then I tried my very best. This alone will help with the closure.

 

I wish you the best of luck FL98. We're all individual and we are who we are. Some can walk away without ever looking back - and some can't. Keep us posted.

 

PS: Beebie puts on tin hat and awaits negative response to my post.

[FeelingLonely98]

PS: Beebie puts on tin hat and awaits negative response to my post.

 

Be nice to beebie!!

 

I am all over the place with this. I just feel I will have nothing left very soon. I can not "wait" 'til the A with the 18 yr old eventually ends. Am I supposed to just be there for her until she figures out her "mistake"?

I also feel that the M is worth saving - but it has to be now or soon. Not in a month. or in 2010.

 

The one thing I don't want to do is regret not trying right before the light in my heart burns out.

[imagine]

Marriage Builders Plan B is about writing a love letter to your Ex. It describes a path for recovery. However, you do need to have an intermediary to field all messages. In the mean time, work on you.

 

Read the MB articles and Plan B examples of the same. We'll check your letter for you

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, I would talk to her, lay your cards on the table, what have you got to lose, seriously?

I think if you don't try then you will regret that.

I don't know your whole story, is she having some sort of mid life crisis? I mean an 18 year old bf is very extreme:eek: What led her to doing that?

At least you will know one way or another then.

I should take my own advice!

Communication is vital.

 

 

*** Considering 1 last ditch attempt to reach out to the STBXW. ***

 

About 3 weeks or so of NC now. Three months to the day since d-day (ILYBINILWY, I want a D). She's supposed to move in with her 18 yr old BF and 20 yr old son into a new apt. in a week or so. The divorce hearing will probably be before year's end. I'm just thinking there HAS to be some doubt in her mind. She is very stubborn and prideful. She may not be able to come to me now. She may want to continue down this path she is on even if it doesn't feel right, because it would be an admission of wrongdoing in her mind if she turned around.

 

I was thinking of calling her and asking her something like Would you like to talk to me about anything going on? Your feelings? Your future? Are we both doing what is best for us? (I'm 46 , she's 47)

 

I just feel that if she moves into the apt., the D becomes final, and the holidays come and go - then I will permanently put a wall disallowing any chance of reconciliation, too much hurt. I believe if we tried NOW (or very soon), then we could make it work. (Of course if SHE wants to try as well.) If she tells me again, "This is what I want", "I'm happy with my decision", ... then I will know for sure she does not have any doubt in her head that she wants to share. THAT may actually bring me closer to a state of closure. The not knowing isn't helping ME.

 

I do know I deserve better, that I will more than likely find a better partner ("trade up" as one LSer calls it), ... BUT I would gladly take her back for a chance at "US" again as she was (is?) the love of my life. I fear that even if I get to the point where I would say no to a reconciliation if she crawled back - I will always love her with some part of my heart.

 

I know I may hear a lot of "NO, Don't do it". She is a good girl, just in a bad place right now. If you want to see her pic in happier recent times let me know, I will add you as a contact.

 

THOUGHTS??

 

Peace!

[Steadfast]

You've been holding onto this for awhile FL98. I type this response with care.

 

She knows how you feel. Three weeks? I have stuff in my 'fridge older than that. Right now she's just starting to feel impressed at your resilience, but not nearly enough to tell you. Most likely she feels you're gaming; waiting for her to crack and come running, trying to figure out what's wrong. That's when she actually thinks of you, which isn't often. Thinking of you brings on pain and guilt, and that more than anything will keep her from acting.

 

Please, give up on her and let her go. No notes, no letters, nothing. She knows you love her, knows it hurts, knows you care. SHE KNOWS.

 

It's time to break away and let her go. Cut the chord. When (or if) and only if she returns, begs your forgiveness and vows to do everything in her power to restore your marriage can you really take action towards your relationship. Unless she does that, you've got nothing. She's not a confused good girl, she's a cheating wife. Take off the glasses and stop drinking the Kool Aid. Demand better today and everyday. Let her go.

[FeelingLonely98]

Yes, I would talk to her, lay your cards on the table, what have you got to lose, seriously? I think if you don't try then you will regret that. I don't know your whole story, is she having some sort of mid life crisis? I mean an 18 year old bf is very extreme:eek: What led her to doing that? At least you will know one way or another then. I should take my own advice! Communication is vital.

 

HoH - TY for your input. IDK what I will do but I don't want to have regrets in the future.

 

VERY long story very short - or as short as I can make it here:

 

47 yr old W. MLC yes! (unemployed, money problems, Father just died, her son / my step-son is now 20 and grown up, ETC.) She met 18 yr old while my W's Mother was boarding the 18 yr old and his Father. They were lowlife delinquents that got kicked out of apts. several times. I didn't know they were there in her Mom's apt. while my W visited her Mom. She apparently got stars in her eyes (or something like that) and rewrote our marriage history (never in love, never happy, why did she marry me, ... all BS). Exactly 3 months ago asked for D, lied about the A at that time, I found out about it 10 days after, exposed it & gave her an ultimatum, she decided to try to fix the M. But she didn't. There was ZERO effort. She was buying time and 4 days later she left the house for good and has been dating the BF ever since. Her whole family is against her. She had to go to Thanksgiving dinner without her beau because he was not welcome. She never gave reconciliation a shot. D papers filed, should have the hearing in Dec. I am at my rope's end ... that is why I am considering a last ditch effort. I am at about 3 weeks NC now.

 

Whew ...

[curiou]

Incredible post, Steadfast.

[FeelingLonely98]

When (or if) and only if she returns, begs your forgiveness and vows to do everything in her power to restore your marriage can you really take action towards your relationship.

 

TY Steadfast - always good posts from you. Greatly appreciated.

 

My issue is that I don't have much left in the tank. I feel bad for saying that as it has been only 3 months to the day since d-day. It feels to me that BS's are supposed to "wait" longer. But I can't. I've already filed for D. I'm trying to move on. I am testing the dating waters. no dates yet - no rush. I'm planning life as if she is never returning.

BUT, I still love her. But not for much longer. I can't.

That is why it feels to me like this last ditch effort is now or never.

- If I do nothing and a few weeks go by it is absolutely over.

- If I talk to her soon and she refuses, then it is still over.

- I know this is unlikely but there is a small chance that I talk to her and she really hears me and feels something.

It's over. It's over. Or a small chance.

She will not do anything drastic in the next few weeks if I continue NC. And then it will be too late.

 

PEACE!

[tojaz]

- I know this is unlikely but there is a small chance that I talk to her and she really hears me and feels something.

 

PEACE!

 

Theres a better chance that NC is having a small effect on her and that contacting her will take you back to square one! Think about that?

 

Remember this FL and I'm going to scream it from the mountain top!

 

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE HER MIND!!!!!

 

did you get that?

 

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE HER MIND!!!!!

 

Thats it bud, it's that simple. Anything you say, anything at all is not going to have an effect on her unless she is ready to hear it. It will just push her further away. You need to be done, over her, moving on with your life! As long as she nows your waiting in the wings shes going to take her sweet damn time, if shes going to do anything at all. NC is not for her, it's for you, you've heard it, you know it! It's to help you heal, if you break now, then your back where you started, 3 weeks lost. Take it from someone who backslid a lot!

 

keep in mind FL, that if something you say makes her comebac, then it isn't real! It needs to come from her! If she dosen't learn something from this, then you are doomed to repeat it!

 

TOJAZ

[confused71]

Hey feeling Lonely,

I have been following your thread.

My story is just as bad as yours so we are pretty much in the same boat.

Briefly:

My Ex who had been sterilised before I met her,and never mentioned she wanted more kids.Started an affair with a guy she met out clubbing with workmates.

Less than a month after meeting him she decided she wanted kids with him and spent $1000s on IVF.Only to eventually lose the babies.(I have heard she is going through with it again)

 

Any way.I tried the reaching out thing several times.She even seemed to be giving me signs she wanted to reconcile.

But everytime I reached out got a complete slap in the face back.

 

Trust me ,like the others have said,If she is not coming to you begging for forgiveness then she is still in 'the fog'

It will make you feel ten times worse when she does this.My guess is she will practically laugh in your face.

Women like yours and my ex have something completely broken inside and I dont think can be fixed.

[Steadfast]

 

...keep in mind FL, that if something you say makes her come back, then it isn't real! It needs to come from her! If she doesn't learn something from this, then you are doomed to repeat it!

 

TOJAZ

 

 

Wow, Tojaz, you floored me with that statement. Awesome advice, so true.

 

Listen and take it to heart FL98!