Seperated, on the verge of Divorce and she wants to be with another man.

[vancepatton]

My wife and i have been together for 6 years and we havent had the most conventional relationship. We married a few months after our oldest son was born. before she became pregnant we had discussed marriage i was just always to scared to ask. We are both very different people. But we compliment each other. if that makes any sense. We have had issues in the past with infedelity and drug addiction and violence. Ive been quit a fan of pain killers for a number of years now. Never spending hard earned money on them just always finding them and finding a reason to take them. Its caused my wife alot of heart ache because she grew up around a stepdad who was until a few months ago horribly addicted to pain killers. My wife has had her own drug problems. when we met she was taking tons of valium a week and smoked weed constantly. Before we ever lived together her mother and i helped her get into a rehad facility to get clean. it worked for a number of months. the weed came back......3 months ago she had to quit again. we had moved to arkansas so i could see her and our two boys more ( i worked in the oilfield) everything was fine till i realized how much she was smoking. she ran out before we had a chance to get bk to texas and get her more. she freaked out. she stoped smoking and started seeing a therapist and trying to work on some personal issues. i lost my job and we moved back to texas. she sank deep into depression. im still unemployed.... 8 months ago we had a huge fight. we came home from a friends house and i was being a grumpy *******. we yelled screamed and threw ****. eventually i threw her all over the house. i have never done anything like that in my life. we have had our fights and only a 4 times have i ever put my hands on her...mind you ive never slapped or punched her. i dont want to look like im trying to defend my actions..its just that im not abusive. we had fights. sometimes shed get so mad shed slap me or hit me or throw **** at me. id lose my temper and push her on a bed or the floor or hold her by her throat to make her calm down.....i know im rambling. its hard to stay on track right now. this is such a long story to tell. She says since that night she is terrified of me that im gona snap and kill her. that to me is rediculous. but i dont remeber how nuts i was acting. anyway. She hasnt worked since our oldest was born 4 years ago. Until this seperation she hasnt even tried to get a job. I worked out of state for the last 6 months so i was only home 1 week a month. it was devistating to both of us. when i would go out of town. 3 to 4 nights a week she would go out to bars with her friends. our parents would watch the kids. even when i came back into town. she would want to go out without me. never wanting to do things with me or as a family. She asked me a month ago to take the kids and go stay with my parents. that my naging her to stop being depressed and smile was driving her nuts. Now come to find out she has been seeing another guy since we moved back to texas. She says she is confused and still loves me but dosent know if she wants to try and resolve our problems and make our marriage work or be with this guy. I love her with all my hear and want her to want me again, ive sacraficed so much to make her happy and try and give her the love her parents never did. and show her that she has potential for such great things. I dont want to lose her. we have done so much terrible **** to each other but ive never been more willing to try and make it up to her. she dosent even seem like shes trying. she just wants to go out with her friends and see this guy. I just dont know what to do. She has had infatuations before with other men and women. these almost split us up before. i hope thats all this is. all i want is for her to want me and want to make our relationship work for each other and our boys. I need advise. like i said i ramble alot...its hard to have a clear thought through all this. i cant sleep or eat. if mor info is needed let me know. im exausted.

[carhill]

Hi, welcome to LS

 

Can you tell me about the most recent period where both you and your W have been clean (meaning drug-free) at the same time continuously for six months?

 

To me, and I have some experience with this, you're self-medicating for something else. You're trying in some way to fix an issue with your psychology and/or brain chemistry.

 

It sounds like a pretty unstable dynamic.

 

Hopefully others will have some cogent advice and support. My best advice would be to work on your own drug issues and hug the kids and be the absolute best father and male role model you can be to them. Your W will have to work out her issues on her own. You can't help her right now. She's in the fog.

[vancepatton]

I have been using the pain meds for not just back pain but to hide from the fact that i wasnt happy with the way she would make me feel. Like i could never satisfy her in anyway. No matter what i did she was always sad and depressed. I think i blew up on her because i was just sick of her not giving me the attention i wanted. I came not even second but last in the order of her prioritys. ive been clean for 2 months now. she has for 4 months. I know in my heart that she wants to be with me. as i do her. she just is so stubborn. she says that since we had kids and got married young that she missed out on all the partying and nightlife stuff. When for the past year she has been out more than i ever have. even before we married. Im sure that me taking a job that made me work out of town constantly made her depression worse. she turned to her single friends and wanted to live their life style. I gave up on the oilfield and came back to her. when i lost my job and couldnt find one though she gave up on me. Through everything she and i have been through i have never given up on her. which in the short time weve been together is more than her own family has ever done for her. Niether of her parents treated her as a gift. but as a burden. She is the greatest gift God has ever given me. I cant give up on her but she is hurting me now more than ever.

[vancepatton]

To anyone that reads this i could really use some advice on what to do for the time being. and if need be i can elaborate on our relationship. i feel there are some things i have omitted due to the length of the post originaly. im so lost right now. i dont know how long i can hold on for her to make her mind up. this waiting for her to realize shes making a mistake by wanting to be with another man is the hardest thing ive ever done in our relationship. Im almost certain that she knows in her heart that its not gona work with him. She does this to herself due to some emotional problems shes had since she was a child. this isnt the first time this has happened either. first it was a girlfriend of hers, they shared a strictly sexual relationship for a few months but they stopped when i tried to get involved with the girl and my wife started to become clingy with her. then a little over a year later it happened with a coworker of mine. she thought she wanted to be with him for some reason. he just wanted to have sex with her. and did. i thought she just needed to get a little wild out of her system. so they had a fling he didnt want her she came back to me. then early this year she had a thing with another girl. it didnt last long. she said it would never happen again. a few months later we had that huge fight. a few months after that. she went out with a friend of hers and twice according to her started to have sex with a guy and stoped it both times. she didnt tell me till strange calls and text messages started coming to her phone threatining to tell me what shed done. and now we are in this perdicament. i love her so much and have forgiven her for all she has done to me. i chalk it up as being young and wreckless and having emotional problems. i want to help her get happy, i want her to want me and only me. i have never cheated on her. of course i tried with that first girlfriend of hers but nothing ever happened. she shot me down. thats funny huh? I want to help her get help with her emotional problems and do what i promised when i married her and love and cherish her for as long as we both shall live. in sickness and in health. for richer for poorer. i took that commitment seriously. i gave in to her every demand and need. thinking it was what she needed to move forward. im not so sure now. i think i was just lying to myself trying to change her into someone she could never be and didnt want to be. like i said if anyone has any advice or words of wisom i could really use it. thanks