Jump to content

funeral etiquite after divorce from abusive husband


Recommended Posts

Got word that my ex's brother passed away today. We went 8 months nc. We have seen and spoke since the divorce 2 months ago but only out of neccesity. Do I go to the funeral? Mind you I am still in a lot of pain and still healing and his mistress will be there. I hate to be selfish but the thought of seeing his family and dealing with them makes knots in my stomach much less him and the whore he's with. Still suffering from ptsd and simply can't imagine going without all the healing going down the drain. Advice needed.

Link to post
Share on other sites

what kind of relationship did you have with your former BIL? Did you get along? Was he someone you considered a friend? That might make it easier for you to cast a decision – if the relationship was not a good/healthy one, it's understandable that wouldn't want to pay your respects; if you two got along, one option may be to slip into the service just before it starts and to slip out before it ends so that you can pay your respects but not have to deal with your ex.

 

as far as the ex, simple condolences are the best, especially if you happen to be talking to him.

 

am sorry for his family's loss, as well as for you being caught up in a situation where it seems like any answer is questionable!

 

q

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have a pretty brash view of funerals. I think they are completely for the survivors. I understand and respect the idea of "paying respects" but in this case, I agree with quank that this only really applies if you felt a friendship or bond of any kind with your brother-in-law himself. If it would help you process his loss (the BIL), and it would be any kind of healing or closure for you, then go with confidence.

 

On the other hand, I don't believe you owe anything to your ex.

 

And as to whether you have any obligation to the family to show up and "show your respects", again, I suppose that depends on whether you have any kind of relationship or bond with them.

 

I have to hope - especially if you had an abusive relationship, and his mistress will be there - that you would be given a pass for not being there. If you want to "pay some respects" to the family, you could send a condolence card, or a short handwritten note.

 

Other than the social convention of "showing up to show your respect", is there any familial bond driving you to feel that you should - or want to - be there? I really think it's OK for you to focus on your own healing, and unless this would HELP in some way, I think it's OK not to show.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...