Canuck81 Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 My wife left me for a close friend and co-worker a little over a month ago. I'm starting the divorce process now. She believes she tried everything she could and that this other guy had nothing to do with her decision. She claims she would have left me anyways had he rejected her when she told him her feelings. To date I haven't confronted her or said anything to her. We've only had a total of three 15 minute discussions besides logistical talks. I'm a mess and I have 1,001 things I want to yell at her. I disagree with almost all of the things she's convinced herself of. It drives me nuts that she's able to make up this history in her head about how it all went down. Will letting all these things I have stored up help? Or will going up against this denial wall she's built up just frustrate me more in the end? Has anyone had a good end result to a confrontation like this? I spend all my time thinking of things to say, I can't seem to just let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
The Collector Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 Get it off your chest. But I'd advise you do it letter form, or email. Don't be mean, but say you need closure by letting her know how you see things, and that after that you can move on. She may not agree, or even read it, but I don't see what you have to lose by speaking your mind about such a serious event in your life with the other party. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 Depends on what you want personally. If you want to hurt her like she has hurt you, then the silent treatment is best. Refuse to have any discussions about anything, let your lawyer handle all communication, even change your phone#. Absolute NC. If you want to get anything off your chest , pick a friend or family member to talk to about the situation. Remember, you owe her nothing!! If you need to, write all of your thoughts down, but don't send it. Above all, DO NOT get into any kind of emotional tirade with her, the quicker you treat her as a non-person, the quicker you will heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 Plan b. man totally plan b. She isnt worth talking to. So why bother. Let the OM take care of her now. All this ying-yang she is spouting is crap, so why listen to it; expose the affair and start NC with her. 180 and ignore her. change your number, kick her off your network and keep it strictly email about finances and the house. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with her or her nonsense. She wouldn't be my problem anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 My wife left me for a close friend and co-worker a little over a month ago. I'm starting the divorce process now. She believes she tried everything she could and that this other guy had nothing to do with her decision. She claims she would have left me anyways had he rejected her when she told him her feelings. My wife said exactly the same thing. She would of left me anyways & it had nothing to do with the OM. Then I found out she'd been screwing him for almost 3 yrs of our almost 4 yr marriage. It's just her trying to justify being a POS. I spend all my time thinking of things to say, I can't seem to just let it go. It's only been a month for you. I'm 8 months in. I very rarely hold an argument in my head these days & back when I did have them constantly....when I got in front of her all I did was tell her she was a horrible, horrible, person. I called her a liar & cheater & that was it. Getting all bent out of shape & unloading on her verbally is just giving her what she needs to say "See, this is exactly why I left him, look how he treats me, look how he talks to me". Link to post Share on other sites
floridapad Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 I aree with some of the others. You've got to get off your chest what you have inside but I wouldn't do it face to face. It will DEFINATELY give her the ammunition to say "see it isn't because of the other man I'm leaving you, it's because your a schmuck"..Yeah Yeah I know thats not the case but that is what she will think if you confront her face to face. Guaranteed you won't be able to hold your anger. I suggest you right a logical nonemotional filled letter getting out your point of view. Also may want to consider writing at the very end "When I said “I DO”, I made a promise in front of God, you, our families and friends for life and I am sorry you did not feel the same way"....Then go total NC. Let her rot.... Don't walk away mad, walk away noble with your head high. She is not worth it. If she doesn't work on this marriage now she will not work on any marriage in the future when things get tough. Do you want someone like that? If you think the marriage is salvageble and it's something you still want, I would still do the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Canuck81 Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 This is all good advice. I agree unleashing a torrent of anger won't help. I'll see what I can do in a letter. Maybe I won't even give it to her but it should help silence the back and forth in my head. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 She believes she tried everything she could and that this other guy had nothing to do with her decision. She claims she would have left me anyways had he rejected her when she told him her feelings. I call bullcrap on this one. Chances are she has known him a lot longer than she has let on. Get it all out in a letter and let her read it then be done with her. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 why feed her ego,and know you're still hurting? i'm with chrome go totally nc,except for e-mail. Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Get it off your chest. But I'd advise you do it letter form, or email. Don't be mean, but say you need closure by letting her know how you see things, and that after that you can move on. She may not agree, or even read it, but I don't see what you have to lose by speaking your mind about such a serious event in your life with the other party. Do NOT do it in writing. If she wants to get a lawyer - they may be able to decipher something negative in the writing to use against you. Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 She believes she tried everything she could and that this other guy had nothing to do with her decision. She claims she would have left me anyways had he rejected her when she told him her feelings. I call bullcrap on this one. Chances are she has known him a lot longer than she has let on. Get it all out in a letter and let her read it then be done with her. I still disagree with the putting it in writing - see my post above. Maybe let her read it - take it back and then leave? Actually what Chrome says is best --> NC!!! Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 This sounds a lot like my situation, H has justified every reason in the world why it can't work and is off in his own little world. I went through all the emotions and I'm sure that I will go through more, but living life on your terms is much better than wallowing in the ugly hurt she is just going to deal back...especially since she's made the history what her version is. Save yourself the trouble and go no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
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