Separated as of tonight

[cerberus]

Ok here is the story, my story. If you can advise me how to act from here please do. I am 32 my wife whom i love more than life is 25. Some time ago we moved across the country to Melbourne to start a new life after finishing university. Problem being things haven't gone to plan. I was forced to stop pursuing my dream career of being a medical epidemiologist (my field of study) because bills were piling up and there was no money coming in. So I went back to a trade that I have sworn a million times that I would never do again in order to put food on the table. A year later I opened a shop and started my own business in that trade and about a month later f irst started feeling depressed. Problem was I thought that I could overcome it (I'm an intelligent guy, educated, done some psychology surely I can beat this) In fighting my depression I guess I stopped talking to my wife as much. We both knew our problems and knew that there was no immediate solution. In time my depression affected her and she went on celapram and counseling. Shortly after things must have been piling up on her again and she either didn't feel she could talk to me or didn't want to burden me further. She went to a guy who owns a shop in the same complex as me. She got some hapiness from this and assured me that there was nothing going on apart from good friends. I stopped her father from interfering against my better judgement because I trust my wife implicitly. However this guy as you can probably guess was pushing her towards an affair. I stopped her just in time I thought and she decided to have a week away with our two kids (2 & 3) to think. I gave her space but he went to see her twice and got into her head and heart. He kissed her on both occasions and twice more when she got back. She says she loves him and I was ready to concede defeat (she had stopped listening to me and valuing my opinion) but her father who has been staying with us went nuts and pointed out what this guy had said to him that she had instigated every step of the relationship I thought this correlated with what I had been told so seeing the spark of possibility I pushed the point home. For a day she saw this guy for what he was and was ready to stop seeing him for good but when he smsed her (telling her to come ofr a hug and kiss when she had said she was thinking about patching up her marriage) and later called her resolve slipped. When I was at work the next day he came and saw her and she believed every word he said. Her father says he has given up listening to this guy because he twists the story to suit his means and did not bother to fight back. Jane saw this as an agreement from her dad that he had misinterpreted the story somehow. This left me in a position where I was once again one person fighting the stories of three, and to make matters worse Jane told me that if I ever bring the subject up she would leave and that she was going to stay good friends with this guy who she has seen as being honest and helpful to her.

I couldn't handle this and had a nervous breakdown yesterday because of the fact that I was beyond my pain threshold for this situation. Today she has told me that she wants to live as separated couple and I have moved into my workshop until I can afford a place of my own or until I can come back. I know she will probably see this guy when I am out of the picture and may even sleep with him. I know she still loves me (I saw it on wednesday after her dad and i talked to her) and I still love her with all my heart but she says she wants to just be best friends because she is so confused. How do i recover from this and save my marriage? Please HELP ME.

[Tony T]

You don't have a marriage. When people are married, they stick by each other when times are bad, they are supportive of each other, and they don't go bonkers and seek outside comfort for matters which originate within.

 

I'm really sorry. It's so very sad. I know you are feeling bad and you are depressed. But why would you want to go through life knowing that anytime you have a period of difficulty, you're wife will run out and be lured into another bed RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR VERY EYES!!!

 

Don't separate from her, GET A DIVORCE!!! You absolutely, positively deserve a wife. Love is got absolutely NOTHING to do with in whatsoever. And, besides, it is totally impossible to love someone who is so slippery and disloyal she will not remain by your side and support you during difficult periods.

 

If she is not strong enough to weather life's hard times, she does not qualify as a wife for anybody.

 

This will happen again and again and again. You will never be able to trust her, not now and not until the end of the world.

 

I know it feels like the world is caving in on you...but just think how much better these times would be if you had a really nice, loyal lady by your side to go out, get a job, and help you instead of screwing some other guy and defying you.

 

Poo on her. She's on my black list forever...and she should be on yours. Take a cold show, dry off, see reality, get pissed, get a divorce, and get yourself on your way to peace and happiness.

[cerberus]

But we have had hard times in the past, the 2 unplanned pregnancies, the murder of her uncle betrayal of her trust by a close friend none of these times have led to this situation so why now why this time. I tell myself that she just needs to grow up and see thing for what they are. This guy saw her as an easy target (depressed, unhappy mother with a world of trouble bothering her unable or unwilling to talk to her husband because he was part of the trouble) he took advantage of that and it was so easy all he had to do was LISTEN. Every time he pushed a bit harder, developed a so called "band" with her because she wanted to sing, told her he was going to take her scuba diving because he knew that she loves scuba diving and I have never done it, even said he was going to finish year 12 and study psychology so that in the future they could open a practice together. He has known and said everything that she wanted to hear. I know he no intention of carrying out these things but she believes everything. He took advantage of her when she was on antidepressant medication and was unable to handle it.

I've tried to tell her when I noticed that there was more going on than just friends and she has listened to him that my opinion is biased and I am feeling very defensive because of the situation with my wife and him. He has gotten into her brain and I don't know how to get him out except to let her pursue it fully and see first hand the bull**** he has been feeding her. But if I do that it would probably be too late for us because I will have lost too much of what I love about her. She has been my best friend for a long time and my wife for 4 years and I love her dearly. We have gone through our relationship to date protecting each other from our problems and burdens and I guess I have wrapped her up in cotton wool a bit by running a business which gives me the option of coming home at any time when she says she can't cope with 2 young kids. I know this has been a wrong path to take but we are both alone in this city as neither of us have any family so I felt that I needed to be in a position where I could lend a hand whenever I was needed. Please advise me has this been my doing all along?

[Tony T]

You seem to be doing all the giving and she doesn't care one little bit. There is no good reason for you to hang around to see if things work for her with this other dude. That would be a very silly thing to do. She is cheating on you right in front of your eyes. I know she was your best friend, and I know you've been married for four years....but there's no trust how...you have seen the real her.....it's over.

 

Yes, it's awfully sad. But there are many people like her and you were unlucky enough to stumble onto one. Get every bit of strength you have to get away from her. YOU and your kids are the only ones you've got now in that town. Forget her!

[cerberus]

BTW in my Wife's defense she has never slept with this guy, just kissed and cuddle. She says she will never dishonor our wedding vows by sleeping with someone else.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "BTW in my Wife's defense she has never slept with this guy, just kissed and cuddle. She says she will never dishonor our wedding vows by sleeping with someone else."

 

Well isn't that just sweet and special!!!

 

Your wife has NO idea what wedding vows are all about. They're NOT just about not screwing other men....they go way way way beyond that. She doesn't have a clue....and WHY are you trying to defend her heinous and insulting behavior?

[cerberus]

She says a major issue in our marriage is that I have not stood up for her. In the past she had another male friend who obviously wanted to be more than friends and kept pushing for a little more, first a hug every time they met, then a kiss on the cheek, then a kiss on the lips which I stopped, at the end he was constantly clutching her whenever he was about and I did not stop him because i think i had been conditioned not to react. At every step they had both told me that it was nothing to worry about and that they are just in a "brother-sister" relationship and anything more would be disgusting again I knew that he wanted more but didn't react because my wife did not want anything from this guy. She now cites this as a prime example of when I never stood up for her.

[cerberus]

Tony, I am not trying to annoy you please understand I am just trying to figure out what went wrong.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Tony, I am not trying to annoy you please understand I am just trying to figure out what went wrong."

 

You are totally powerless to annoy me. I can only make the choice to be annoyed if I please. I don't do things to upset myself so you are safe there.

 

Clearly, you are mindscrewing yourself and you can do that until the day you die. Why should you suffer because of the irrational behavior of your wife??? You can stew over this for years but the bottom line is that reality is reality.

 

Now, you ought to do an inventory of yourself. If you treated her well, honored her feelings, listened to her, gave her the attention she required, were a good provider, then you did nothing wrong. Even if you fell short in any of those areas, if she did not communicate with you but rather just went out and sought another, you still did nothing wrong.

 

People are basically chemicals. Our bodies are mostly chemicals and our brains are run totally on chemicals. If those chemicals get out of wack, you got a wacko like your wife. You will never, ever fully understand why she turned out to be a bitch. But shame on you if you continue to put up with her crap and continue to try to analyze this....it's just not worth it.

[Just A Girl2]

Cerberus,

 

I am very sorry that you're going through this, I really am. From what you've written, you sound like a very hard working, insightful, good person.

 

How "big" of your wife to assure you that she'll respect your wedding vows by now having sex with this joker. Perhaps she missed the part of the wedding vows which would include refraining from getting emotionally/intimately (intimate can also involve kissing, cuddling, etc) involved with someone OTHER than your spouse. So she hasn't slept with him, well she's still committed emotional infidelity, at the very least. What about the part of the wedding vows that states "for better or worse" or "forsaking all others" or "til death do us part"? Doesn't seem like she's abiding by them, seeing how she's carrying on with this other dude. She's a hypocrite.

 

As for this crap here:

 

She says a major issue in our marriage is that I have not stood up for her. In the past she had another male friend who obviously wanted to be more than friends and kept pushing for a little more, first a hug every time they met, then a kiss on the cheek, then a kiss on the lips which I stopped, at the end he was constantly clutching her whenever he was about and I did not stop him because i think i had been conditioned not to react. At every step they had both told me that it was nothing to worry about and that they are just in a "brother-sister" relationship and anything more would be disgusting again I knew that he wanted more but didn't react because my wife did not want anything from this guy. She now cites this as a prime example of when I never stood up for her

 

Oh God, this is a joke..this crap about you not standing up for her. What the hell business did she even have LETTING a guy who clearly was interested in her, hug her, or kiss her? What stopped HER from putting her foot down and declaring some boundaries and letting this other guy know to back the hell off? She's a big girl, no? Part of the responsibility of being someone's spouse is knowing when to tell someone to back off. You are not her babysitter or her policeman. It's not up to YOU to tell some other guy to back off your wife..it's up to HER just as much to tell SAID GUY to back off and not even LET it get to the point that he's hugging and kissing on her, for crissakes. She sounds very petty and immature here..almost like she is accusing you of not having "cared enough" to react all angrily and jealously when this guy mentioned above was hanging all over her. Grow up!

 

So obviously, she doesn't give a rip's butt about your 2 children.....doesn't care that your family is now broken apart.......doesn't care that your children no longer have a Mom and Dad that live under the same roof.........obviously couldn't care less that you children are now going to be very upset and confused about "who" this "other guy" is.

 

Hun, I know this is very raw and devastating, and it's clear you love her a lot........but love is about respect, that's the foundation of love. Can you really love someone you can't respect? Can you RESPECT her lame excuses for why she's up and left you for some slick talking con-man?

 

I'm sorry, but there are simply no legitimate "excuses" for getting involved, to whatever degree (sex or not), with someone else, outside of marriage. She can blame it on her depression, your depression, you not getting all jealous when some guy is hanging off her and you're not beating the guy senseless, etc.........but the fact of the matter is, she's being very selfish and not anything that a marriage partner should be.

 

Try to stop defending her. Do you think she's defending YOU to her boy toy?

 

Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. Feel free to get it all off your chest here.

[Kat]

Always nice to see another Aussie!

[cerberus]

She says that I have hurt her so much in the past, that I wasn't there for quite a while and that I have let her down because I had promised several things to her (new business ventures, new ways to get some money, things would get better etc.) which didn't come to fruition. She has asked me several times if I wanted to close the shop and pursue my career and I always gave a reluctant no knowing that she had been so proud of us opening the shop and she would be disappointed to see it fail. I have seen her disappointed several times because of my failures and did not want to add to the list.

[cerberus]

Additionally I have just spoken to her on the phone about the advice that I have been getting and she has automatically said it's obvious that I have only given my side of the story. I am trying to relay the story as unbiased and factual as I see it. Does anyone think that I am hiding some part of the responsibility on my side in this situation. She thinks that I am manipulating the forum to get the answer that I want but I wanted to hear advice on how I have a basically good relationship, on how this is a once off occurrence and how to patch things up before they got any further. So why would I manipulate responses to tell me to get rid of her completely??

[moimeme]

Here's the deal. This new guy has given her indications that he wants to mould his life around her and do everything with her. You admit that you have not and do not want to scuba dive or do other things that he will do.

 

It sounds like she wants a very 'connected' marriage; the type of relationship where the two people are 'joined at the hip'. You are not into that and are trying to argue her out of her being that way by saying the other guy 'pushed' her. He didn't push her. She has a need for connectedness to a level you don't have and you probably never will. I think one of the crucial things a couple needs to know if they want to marry is how connected each needs to be. In some marriages, the two live almost separate lives; in others, the two do everything together. You have to know your preferred modes of living. Clearly, you two differ in what you need from a relationship. That is unlikely to change.

 

Next time you call her, tell her you realize you both have different needs and go find someone who can live with you comfortably.

 

There is no need to analyze her and why or why not she should or should not need what she needs. Understand your needs are very different and move on.

[ognosticone]

To love someone is one thing... To lose yourself in that person and take there abuse and still need them to stay around is something else and maybe a little co-dependent. Take this time to take care of yourself and you kids. Try to remember who you were before her. This will help you recognize who you are deep down inside, and not the person that this ugly situation has turned you into.

 

I must agree with Tony... She doesn't understand squat about the vows. She has broken them, your trust, and possibly destroyed your marriage for the sake of her own selfish urges. Go find who you are and get on with YOUR life. Waiting around for her will just pro-long the inevitable.

 

A friend told me, in regards to my situation, "She wants to be taken care of, just not by you." It's time to move on, at least with rediscovering who you are deep down inside.

[vanessa]

I think that a little more sensitivity is needed by all. Cerebus doesn't need to be put on a guilt trip at this time. Have you contacted you local family help unit if not to recover your marriage just to make you aware you are not alone and that there is support there. A lot of us have been through similar if not the same trauma and we need help in more ways than we realise. I have a wonderful husband who has stood by me (I don't think I am a manic depressive but I certainly have major mood swings) but I also went for councilling when things were really bad and hey it helped, plus I now am very involved in watching religious church programmes like Crystal Cathederal and Joyce Meyer who give me a lot of inspiration and positive guidance - try it it won't hurt. GOOD LUCK and be yourself.