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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 26th February 2003, 1:00 PM   #1
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Advice Please

My partner and I have been together for almost 10 years. Within the last 5 years our sex life has all but died. And, what little "sex" life there was was VERY limited and by some definitions may not even be considered that. In fact, we were at the point of almost 18 months of not having had sex, when he told me that he did not care what I did with anyone else as long as I was safe and did not throw it in front of his face.

This obviously left me somewhat devistated. I mean, what kind of a relationship do we have - no sex for 18 months, and now what? Screw whomever I want. I had several weeks to fret over this and wondered if he was staying with me because he was afraid of being alone. Or, was it for financial stability (I make about 4 times his salary, but he is significantly older by ove 10 years).

I have been (pretty much) a saint for the last 10 years even though he has cheated on me on a few occasions. Furthermore, he likes to go out and play with some guys at the club, etc. Nothing very "sexual"; however, at least equal to what we were doing but in a different environment.

So, after I spend some time fretting over his comments, I begin thinking that the only way to save my relationship is to find a friend that I could have sex with (long-term commitment) and have an ongoing, loving relationship with him.

However, this seems strange to me. I have started intentionally making more friends, doing new things alone, etc. I had a friend over to our house this week to visit (he has met him a few times). He was there about 10 minutes before my partner showed up. Later on, my partner leaves the house and loudly closes the door. He then calls me and tells me that he understands that I have to do what I have to do, but don' t throw it in front of his face. He is not going to live his life this way, etc.

We have joint house ownership, joint credit cards, work together, etc. He does all of our finances. I just deposit the checks. I have 10 years in this marriage. Now, he has not spoken to me since yesterday when this happened.

I don't know what to do. I am just so very tired. I am wondering if it isn't just easier to say forget it. I love him deeply. I have put a lot into this relationship. I can honestly say that I have put "us" as the basis for almost every decision that I have made in the last several years. However, I don't think I can go on this way. I mean - I can't have friends over, we have no sex life, we work together (I am in a higher position over him in the same comapny now), go home together, etc. He goes out and gets his jollies his way, but I just can't do that. I can't go out and play around with different individuals weekly and then come back home. Not in my character.

At this point, I am not even sure of what I am trying to save. But, I do love him deeply. And, I am worried about how to go through a divorce situation.

If I try to protect some of my assets by changing the checking account around then it looks like I have given up. However, do I think that if he gets peeved off he might do the same? I honestly don't know now.

Advice? I will provide any clarity to the confusing parts as needed.
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Old 26th February 2003, 1:34 PM   #2
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Nobody is here to give you legal advice on getting a divorce. That's something you need to get from an attorney who is certified in family law.

However, there are some things you can do to save your marriage...if you haven't waited too long. I mean, the sex have tolerated this way more than you should have.

First, the two of you need to go to a very highly competent psychotherapist or marriage councellor to see what you can do to get this back on track. Sex is in the head. There are many factors that can be contributing to his lack of interest in sex and you need to get to the bottom of it.

Personally, my guess is the root of it all is the fact that you make more money than he does. Men have HUGE egos and some would be destroyed at their very core if their wife made substantially more money than they did. (Even worse, in your case, it's at the same company...yipes!)

Money is a VERY powerful element in a personal relationship and marriage. If you EVER even one time have made mention of the fact that you bring home a much larger paycheck that he does, I promise you that's the problem and it has to be worked out. You simply can't make an issue of this and you have to take the attitude that every dollar YOU make is a dollar that BOTH OF YOU make.

If you get to the point where you seriously feel you need to go out and get sex from other men, get a divorce. That's a sick way to live. But please give extremely serious consideration to getting counselling. If you really love this man and you've treated him so well, I absolutely feel that if unexpressed feelings and issues are resolved, the sex issue would take care of itself.

Good luck!!!

Last edited by Moderator; 26th February 2003 at 1:40 PM..
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Old 26th February 2003, 8:53 PM   #3
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Something I've Missed

Was there something I've missed? Have you sat down with your husband and asked him about his lack of interest in sex? You say he says he understands you have to do what you have to do.....does that mean this guy has problems sexually that you are aware of? Have you asked him if he enjoys having sex with you? It's true I'd say that both of you need some marital counseling.
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