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broken hearted

I posted about a month ago with a thread entitled "so heart broken". Well, I found a message on my husband's voicemail last Thursday morning that was from another woman. I confronted my husband about it (who was still staying at his parent's house) and he explained that yes he had been talking to another woman, she was easy to talk to, and was there to listen. He insisted and swore up and down on our son's life that it was not physical in any way shape or form. He came home that night and said he loved me, was ready to work this out, that we were going to be okay and that he would never leave another day in his life. He instantly was "back to his loving self", hugging me and kissing me all the time, winking at me from across the room, mouthing I love you from across the backyard as we played with our son. Something just didn't seem right to me and I kept badgering my husband with questions because his story was not adding up. Swore every time on his mother, on our child, on anyone he loved that it was not physical that he was and always has been true to our marriage and was not that type of person. This past Thursday, we went to our first counseling appt. I knew what I was going to hear but didn't want to believe it. My husband had been getting angrier and angrier everytime I questioned him about it. We sat at the first session, which is always filled with background info., never getting to the other woman situation. Our time was about to end when I interrupted the counselor and told him I needed answers to my questions before we left that session because I knew my husband wouldn't disclose anything outside of that room. He began to describe the relationship and was talking about a day when she met him at his job site (he had met her because she worked for another company that his company had to talk with on an everyday basis) and said they kissed. That alone infuriated me and I asked if he slept with her. He said, "I thought about it", I asked 2 more times and he gave the same answer. The counselor intervened and asked my husband to answer my question. He replied, "yeah I did". I immediately stood up, told my husband I hated him and hoped he rotted in hell and then I thanked the counselor for his time and walked out of the room. My husband called me later that night and tried to downplay the extent of the relationship and the frequency. I didn't believe a word he said and not that it mattered at this point but I called the other woman for answers (I used to work with this wh*** a couple of years ago and she knew I was married to this man, had his child and was pregnant with another). She told me a different story than my husband and said it had happened several times over the course of the last couple of months and the last time was a couple of weeks ago! They did it at his job site, in his job trailor...how disgusting! I would love to call my husband's boss and tell him what kind of employee he has working for him. I decided that wouldn't be a good idea bc if my husband lost his job, it would only hurt me and the kids in the long run. The very next morning, I went to see the lawyer and filled out the paperwork. I didn't submit it because my husband didn't know I was there and for some reason I wanted to be respectful of him and tell him first...why I care, I don't know! He called me Friday night sobbing and saying how sorry he was and he was sorry he ruined everything, sorry he ruined my life and sorry he f***ed up so badly. He then said he didn't know if he could live with himself and had thoughts of suicide and then hung up. He wouldn't answer my return phone calls so I called his parents and they had to go get him. His mother called me back and said he was not okay and that she just talked her son out of committing suicide. My husband called me at 1 the next morning sobbing saying that all he wanted to say was I love you and I'm sorry...guess he should of thought about that before he took his pants off. He asked several times if we could go back to even one more counseling session and told me that plenty of people get through this. The reality of what he's done and the pain he's caused so so so many people in his selfishness has finally sunk in. His parents will barely talk to him and his extended family is going to all but disown him. All of his brothers have called or texted me saying I would always be a part of their family and always be their sister and that I don't deserve what my husband did and I deserve better. My husband is all over the place and keeps saying he's so alone and has lost everything and doesn't know what he wants. He called me another time in the early morning hours crying saying he really wants and needs help. I told him I was there for him and wouldn't turn my back on him and if he really thinks he needs some psychiatric help than I would be there to help him. I know this can never work because I will never be able to forgive him or trust him again but even after all the pain he's caused me, my heart won't even begin to let go. I still take his phone calls and call him to see if he's ok...why do I care if he's okay, I was never a passing thought in his mind during all of this!!! I don't know if my husband really wants to try and get through this or not, he's all over the place with what he wants. I just want him to say he doesn't want me, doesn't love me, and doesn't want his family so that I can begin to move forward. What do I do, I have always been so firm on my views on infidelity and my husband has known this since I was 15 years old. How do I begin to let go and find happiness without him? I know I will always love this man but I also know I deserve much much much better and there are plenty of men out there who wouldn't even look at another woman let alone touch them. Does a marriage ever get through infidelity?

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broken hearted

By the way, our 5 year anniversary is this Friday! When my husband came home last week, he made plans for us to go away for our anniversary and was also talking about the bulding of our new house and selling of our current one. I did go speak to my husband yesterday morning to make sure he was okay and when I got there he was sobbing in bed with his father leaning over him. He was still wearing his wedding ring and I asked why. I told him he hasn't been a husband for the past 5 months while I have been the most caring, loving, and devoted wife as I waited home taking care of the entire life we had built together so he could go to counseling and work on himself as he told me day after day that he would be home he just wasn't ready yet. I have learned so much about myself and my mistakes and faults through all of this and through both couples and individual counseling that it's true, he really has made me a better wife for someone else to have! I know all of this but I still love this man tremendously and it devastates me that there is simply no need whatsoever for myself, my family, my son, or any of his family to be in the pain that we are in right now. Why couldn't he just be a man!!!!

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Hi Broken,

I'm so shocked at your post, I was so happy for you last week, i was telling a friend yesterday about your story and about how it had all worked out. I can't believe it!

 

I don't know what to advise you on the infedility, I too have very strong views on this and have always been of the standpoint that along with abuse it is the one thing I personally would not put up with. However, having said that a friend of mine said last weekend if my ex had done to her (jilted me), what he did to me, she would not have any feelings towards reconciliation with him as she would just be to hurt to forgive him or trust him ever again. My response was, before this happened to me I would have said something similar, but when it's happened it's different, it's not that black and white.

 

Only you can decide if this is something that your marriage can recover from. Owl recommends a website which may be helpful to you it's called marriagebuilders. It deals specifically with infidelity, type plan A plan B into the search function for advice.

 

My heart goes out to you Broken.

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Broken, I am so sorry for what you discovered. I had such high hopes after you posted he was coming home.

 

As for your question, I don't really know if marriage can survive infidelity. I guess it's up to the individuals and what they can put in the past. I too have strong views on infidelity, views I had made known to my wife from the start. When an EA was discovered and the possibility that she has been unfaithful arose, I had to do some serious soul searching to decide what i truly could and couldn't accept in my marriage. I can't say that I am 100% certain, but I believe that I do love her enough to forgive but never forget. Certain conditions would have needed to be met, including NC with the OM (or OW in your case), full disclosure of whatever I needed to know about the relationship, MC and lots of it, and full transperancy of her actions so i could start to rebuild my trust for her. I never got the opportunity but I would have tried, and feel confident I may have succeeded in raising a good marriage from the ashes. Thats me however. I truly believe a marriage CAN survive, the question you need to ask yourself is do you WANT it to after all that has happened.

TOJAZ

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By the way, our 5 year anniversary is this Friday! When my husband came home last week, he made plans for us to go away for our anniversary and was also talking about the bulding of our new house and selling of our current one. I did go speak to my husband yesterday morning to make sure he was okay and when I got there he was sobbing in bed with his father leaning over him. He was still wearing his wedding ring and I asked why. I told him he hasn't been a husband for the past 5 months while I have been the most caring, loving, and devoted wife as I waited home taking care of the entire life we had built together so he could go to counseling and work on himself as he told me day after day that he would be home he just wasn't ready yet. I have learned so much about myself and my mistakes and faults through all of this and through both couples and individual counseling that it's true, he really has made me a better wife for someone else to have! I know all of this but I still love this man tremendously and it devastates me that there is simply no need whatsoever for myself, my family, my son, or any of his family to be in the pain that we are in right now. Why couldn't he just be a man!!!!

 

I feel your pain! My husband and I have been together for 7 & married for 5 years. I stuck with him for so long, hoping that one day he'll be the man I need in my life while others told me to let him go. I finally realized that he would never grow as long as he's with me. I know this bc he has expressed that being married feels like a job and sometimes he feels that he needs to be by himself and not have to worry about me. That alone told me that he wasn't ready to commit and he was very immature how he would handle situations in the home. So I'm on the road of letting him go. It's hard. It's really hard. I have learned throughout my years with him to unconditionally love him & to forgive all that he's done to hurt me in so many ways. But a partner in life is suppose to make you a better person and to make you feel like the greatest person alive. He did the opposite. He made me feel worthless, pathetic, & weak. I need to let him go so that I can find myself again who I had let go many years ago.

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All you need is time for that pain to heal. It will be a hard road ahead but time always heal that pain that he caused you. You will never forget it, but you will be able to move on. As far as your marriage, at this point the trust is broken. I see it as this way. You and your husband have been building this love since day 1. When your husband did his dirty work, your building of love has tumbled to the ground; there's nothing there. As time goes by, you're going to look at the collaspe of this building and wonder if you are willing to rebuild that love again to where that trust can be restore. But it's all on you to ask yourself if it's worth it? Before he cheated, did he love you the best way possible? Did he treat you the way you wanted to be treated throughout the marriage? Did he make any kind of changes right now to better himself? Besides moping around, did he make the iniative to go get some help to better his relationship with you? You have to take into account all these bc this would really influence your decision.

 

FOr you to heal, you need to not talk to him. I strongly suggest that. It is so hard to do that when you're so in love with him & he keeps calling you. You need to let him know, if you decide to NC, that it's simply bc you need time for yourself.

 

I know you said you got the divorce papers, but you really need to think about your decsion when you do decide to show it to him. Did you do this out of anger and resent for him? Did you want to get him back for the pain he caused you? I don't know what he did to make you guys split in the first place, but divorce is a big deal. Even though I want to get out of my marriage with my husband now, I can't bring myself to do it right away. It's hard and it's something to contemplate for awhile.

 

I'm so sorry that he hurt you even after he cheated to you and lied to you about. Nobody deserves to go through the pain of infedility. It's an act of selfishness, bc obviously it was purely physical btwn these & he was still loving you. Hope everything works out for the better, & like I said, let time heal that broken wound of yours.

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broken hearted

It's so hard because I know what I need to do and what is best for me bc I know I will never be able to let this go, I will always hold it over his head and it will always be on my mind. We live in an incredibly small town and it's impossible not to run into him or this other woman frequently. He is staying at his parent's house and they live 1/4 of a mile away from my house. My son, dog, and I have been staying with my parents since I learned of the extent of this on Thursday...it's just too painful to be home. He had been staying there for a week, he stayed there Wednesday night and I believe he had every intention of staying there Thursday night after counseling. I think he thought we could work through this. His pants are still lying on the floor next to our bed from Wednesday night when he go into bed. I'm a mess. I cannot believe that someone could do that to another person! I was home for 5 months taking care of our house, our dog, our 2 yo son, myself, and being pregnant while he was laying with another woman. I am so disgusted and devastated that anyone would do that to another human being let alone a husband to a wife, a father to his son, a son to his parents... I do know what's best for me bc I do deserve better but I am terrified that when he finally realizes what he's done and everything he's lost that he will come begging me and I will be sucked back in bc I love and care for him so much. I do not want my children to come from divorced parents and a broken home but unfortunately he didn't care about that. He didn't care about anything but himself and didn't care about the ramifications and the impact it would have on so so so so many lives. I'm sorry everybody for blabbing and blabbing and blabbing but I can't even think straight right now. If I wasn't pregnant, I would have lost tons of weight in the last 5 months and probably 20 in the last 3 days. You guys have no idea what he has traded me in for. He's 27, she's a 37 yo divorced mother who has slept with married men before. I'm not unattractive by any means! I am almost 8 months pregnant and still get guys to turn their head when I walk by. I had so many guys wanting to be with me in high school and college but I was never interested bc I was in love with my husband. We have been together 11 years, since I was 15. I'm sorry everybody, I am so hurt and somehow putting everything down gives me a little release for a few short seconds.

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Just keep posting if it helps, we will keep reading.

When my wife decided to leave, she rushed, I mean big time rushed. There was never a "we have a problem" or a chance to go to MC, nothing. I found out she was unhappy in late April and in18 days, I'll be divorced. Just like that. She had already spoken to a lawyer before she dropped the bomb! I know that isn't your situation, but emotions push us to act before we are ready. Only you can decide if divorce is right for you and he has done a lot of things to warrant that, but you say you still love him, even though You would be fully justified in divorcing him, most would. Just do it for your self, make the decision with a clear head, to save yourself the doubts and the what if's later on. That will be a very hard thing to live with, and something that happens all to frequently.

TOJAZ

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broken hearted

Wow, I feel like such a fool for believing all of my husband's lies when he told me there was no one else and he was true to our marriage and would never do anything to hurt it. I defended that a**hole to everybody when they asked if I really trusted what he was doing...to everybody, my Mom, my brother, his family, all of you guys! And, somehow I still care about whether or not he is okay. I think when he finally realizes what he's done, all the respect he's lost from the whole town and all his family, what he's lost, and what he's given it all up for, he's really going to feel low and hurting. I'm not sure why I care, he didn't care enough about me, our son, the baby I'm carrying, my family, his family, or anyone else to keep his pants on!!! How can I possibly still love this man and care so much for him? How can I still feel some sort of comfort in his voice and taking his phone calls? Nobody deserves this kind of treatment or pain from another individual...NOBODY!! Cheaters deserve cheaters and deserve to be cheated on!! I don't deserve to be cheated on!

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Wow, I feel like such a fool for believing all of my husband's lies when he told me there was no one else and he was true to our marriage and would never do anything to hurt it. I defended that a**hole to everybody when they asked if I really trusted what he was doing...to everybody, my Mom, my brother, his family, all of you guys! And, somehow I still care about whether or not he is okay. I think when he finally realizes what he's done, all the respect he's lost from the whole town and all his family, what he's lost, and what he's given it all up for, he's really going to feel low and hurting. I'm not sure why I care, he didn't care enough about me, our son, the baby I'm carrying, my family, his family, or anyone else to keep his pants on!!! How can I possibly still love this man and care so much for him? How can I still feel some sort of comfort in his voice and taking his phone calls? Nobody deserves this kind of treatment or pain from another individual...NOBODY!! Cheaters deserve cheaters and deserve to be cheated on!! I don't deserve to be cheated on!

 

 

No hunny you do not deserve to be cheated on, noone does, it is the most selfish act a person can do to another. It's one thing to have problems in a marriage and raise them, it is quite another to cheat and break your vows.

 

The reason you still care is because although he has betrayed you, you still love the person he was before the betrayal. It is not possible to just turn thoses feelings off. You need to remember that he is not the person you married now, but you will still need to grieve the man you loved.

 

I to know how it feels to be betrayed by someone you love and also to be with that man since you were 15. I too got together with my ex at 15. I'm now 33, we were together 18 years until he jilted me 4 months ago.

 

The fact that you have a child and are pregnant as well just makes his disgusting behaviour even more deplorable. Remember sweetie, he is at fault here, not you, regardless of whatever problems you were having, there is no justifivation for what he has done.

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broken hearted

Thanks Lisa! I know he did this and it was his actions and his decisions but I keep thinking about the "what if's". What if we'd of worked on these problems without him sleeping at his parents, what if he wouldn't have had to work with the company where this girl is a secretary...he would have never met her, what if I snooped earlier and found of evidence of their relationship before it became physical, what if we had stayed in marriage counseling, what if, what if, what if. It's so hard to be a single mother because I feel like I'm stuck here with all the memories of my husband and not able to go out and meet new people, new friends right now. I think that would be so good for me. I'm going to be lonely for a long time trying to take care of myself, my son, and this baby before I'm able to get out there again and meet new people. He, on the other hand, has no responsibilities right now, he has no one to care for but himself.

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Don't beat yourself up with the what if's because if he is capable of this, the what if's make no difference. If he is capable of this kind of selfishness those what if's don't matter.

 

I can understand where you are coming from re single parenting that is going to be hard, very hard and you are right it will be some time before you can think about another relationship. However, when that day comes you have a lot to offer and some man is going to be lucky to have you.

 

That said, I think you need to take your time and see how you feel about whetehr you will be able to forgive and rebuild your marriage, like I said before only you know if you will be able to do thi and only you can decide if you are willing to.

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What if you had done all that, and he cheated anyway? What if's mean nothing. It is about what is! He made the decision to go outside the marriage. He has to own that and he's paying for it now. I've read your whole story, you are not to blame for this. It's on him!

TOJAZ

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hopesndreams

Is he still in contact with the OW? Will he still see her when she is out about town and at his work?

 

He only admitted to sleeping with her once and when you spoke with her she said it was several times. If he had true remorse for his actions he would have given you the truth. He's still hiding stuff and there would be no way to rebuild trust without full disclosure and accountability.

 

I like how your brain thinks. He is a disgusting man. You do need time to emotionally digest this and to wrap your head around things. Do not get suckered in with his phone calls and suicidal threats. You need space from him right now....to think.

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broken hearted

Is there anyone out there who has reconciled after an affair and made the marriage work? I mean truly work, where you have forgiven, gotten past, and lived happily ever after with no signs of another affair?

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It happens, but its rare?

 

I know of one couple that divorced, remarried others, got divorced again and then re-married each other ten years down the road?

 

I know of another that got divorced whose 10 year old son told them when they announced the news? "Ya'll do what you want! But I need my Mama and Daddy in the same house everyday!"

 

So they divorced and lived in the same house? :p She dated and he didn't?

 

They slept in the same bed?

 

They're still together? Just not married? Go figure? :confused::confused::confused::confused:

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i wonder how honest you think he's willing to be at this point. if he's not going to be honest - there is no point in you making the effort for him to play the cover up game.

 

if he's still covering up - then he still has a lot to hide and is unwilling to put the effort in for the marriage to properly heal.

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2sunny?

 

Your point is mute!

 

Why?

 

Because most men haven't been beatend over the head with a hickory ax handle between the eyes as I have been!

 

I've a clear and pretty picture in my head!

 

NOW! :eek::p

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2sunny?

 

Your point is mute!

 

Why?

 

Because most men haven't been beatend over the head with a hickory ax handle between the eyes as I have been!

 

I've a clear and pretty picture in my head!

 

NOW! :eek::p

 

i didn't see it as pointless Gunny - can you tell me further why you think so?

 

IF she gets to a point where reconciliation MIGHT be considered - it would only be appropriate IF he CAN be totally honest... giving her the capability to heal properly over time.

 

the question still remains - IS HE STILL IN CONTACT WITH THE OW?

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broken hearted

Today is my 5 year wedding anniversary! :o It was a horrible night and it's going to be a horrible day! I feel like I'm living someone else's life...someone's out of a Jerry Springer episode! Sorry everybody but I can't get out of my head that this wasn't supposed to happen to me, to us, to our marriage, to your family! I loved that man so much, I gave him everything and I mean EVERYTHING!!

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broken hearted

It's our 5 year anniversary today. Am I supposed to give my husband a card? I haven't heard from the SOB at all today.

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Just let him be Broken, yo need some time away from him to digest all this. If it makes you feel better, get him a card, fill it out, and file it away to be given to him when/if your ready. I have a desk drawer full of cards and letters to my wife, doubt she will ever read them, they're more for me then anything else. Hang in there Broken, were here for you.

TOJAZ

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It's our 5 year anniversary today. Am I supposed to give my husband a card? I haven't heard from the SOB at all today.

 

 

Where is he? Is he spending time with the other woman again? How do you know for sure the answer is "no?"

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hopesndreams

Just look at it as just another day. If he doesn't acknowledge it, so be it. He will come up with some excuse why he didn't do or say anything and show him how it doesn't affect you. This will open his eyes. He is expecting something from you whether it is anger, disgust or something negative so he can argue with you, or say he's sorry, blah, blah...

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