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Won't leave me alone...

Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 29th January 2003, 7:04 AM   #1
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Won't leave me alone...

I have been married for 25 years. I was not really suited to my husband plus he did alot things over the years that not only pushed me away but drove away the little love and respect I had for him.

Now our children are grown I finally had the courage to divorce him. He never did believe me...and is basically my stalker, in my own home.

He drives away friends, spreads rumours about them and me, follows me, keeps tabs on me, bugs our phone.

Our divorce came through afew days ago and he is still behaving like an obsessed stalker.

I have a lock on my door but he still gets in trying to search for evidence-he thinks I have a boyfriend.

You are probably wondering why we are in the same home. Our kids are in their late teens and we live together because he refuses to agree to the financial settlement.

I don't really have anywhere to go, I have no money and I can't get government benefits.

I have a job but most of my money goes on my sons education, bills, doctors, lawyers and new locks on my door which seem to do nothing to keep him out...

Apparently I was told he may be bringing a locksmith to open my locks.

He has made sure that no outgoing calls can be made from home, he gets into my car, makes trouble with anyone who talks to me.

I really don't even know what I am asking here...I can't see any solutions. I feel trapped, isolated and alone, helpless, powerless.
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Old 29th January 2003, 9:37 AM   #2
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Why in heaven's name didn't you discuss this with your attorney? Talk to your attorney, tell him what's happening, and have him get a temporary restraining order against your husband due to the abuse until the financial details of your divorce can be worked out.

A temporary restraining order or injunction will prevent him from coming near you until these financial details are worked out and you can seek a permanent order. You certainly have excellent grounds. I can't believe for a second you didn't do this before.

And why would you get a final divorce decree without working out the finances. If you are at an impass, the judge could have made that decision or you could have had a mediator do it in binding arbitration. This guy is worth getting away from at any cost. You aren't even living a life right now.

By the way, you may THINK you're divorced but until all those financial things are worked outl, you ain't done nothing.

Call your attorney as soon as possible and get to his office. If you did your divorce without an attorney, it's time to get one now and it shouldn't cost much just for what you need. If you can't afford an attorney, call the Legal Aid people in your area. For their number, call the local Bar Association (the one for attorneys).

Other than that, there is no possible advice anybody could give you except things that could get you the death penalty and you really don't want to go through the me!
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Old 29th January 2003, 11:28 AM   #3
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If you have a divorce with a co-habitation clause a restraining order won't work (sounds like he would ignore one anyway). You need to disolve the co-habitation and stop worrying about the money. See a lawyer and if you have to file criminal charges do it. You might also want to talk to some women's shelters because this kind of behavior is not just unacceptable, it may well be against the law and a good womens shelter will know how to document it and fight it. There are still such things as alimony and child-support.

Don't be afraid to talk to your children about all of this, and remember - what you DO speaks volumes to your children about what is right and wrong. They are learning from both of you and you don't want them to think this kind of behavior is acceptable from them (or their spouses) later on, or feel that there is nothing they can do about an abusive situation should they ever find themselves in one.

My mother is a wonderful, loving woman, but she was a doormat and never, I mean NEVER stood up for herself or put her needs before anyone else. Consequently, her life was very sad and full of heartbreak. I thought that was how women were supposed to be and I used to get so frustrated that I wasn't as "nobel" as my mother. I never cared how I looked or took care of myself because I was taught -- BY EXAMPLE -- that I was not important and anything I wanted or thought I needed must come last, and that pride or self-respect, or self-confidence were wrong for me.

It took me a long time to un-learn all of that, and even after I was married some of those things would pop up and cause problems in my own marriage.

Be mindful of what you SHOW your children as well as what you tell them.

The old saying "Action Speaks Louder Than Words" is very true.
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Old 2nd February 2003, 1:14 PM   #4
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I am in the process of filling in the financial agreement forms since my husband refuses to have a mediator.

The only reason we haven't made a financial settlement before the divorce is because he just didn't believe or accept the divorce so he refused to cooperate.

Now he has recieved notification of the absolute, and knows we are finally divorced he is sending me letters from his lawyer demanding I pay for half of everything in the house and will probably create as many obstacles as humanly possible...

I have filed an injunction against him in the past, but he physically hurt me then...But now it is more mental torture and my lawyer says I have no proof and would probably lose if I tried to file an injunction this time.

I have contacted a womens shelter for weekends...but if I leave the house completely I know for a fact that he will clear it out of everything we have...

He is really a monster...I just don't know how people can get away with treating people like this.

Ultimately...if he doesn't hurt me physically I can do nothing. And from the past injunctions he knows better than to do that-I hope...

But ironically the only way to legally get rid of him is if he DID physically hurt me.

There is no help or justice for mental abuse and causing a person to suffer continously in this society.

I can't wait till I am finally free of him...
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