thrash4 Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Hi... I have no idea where to start or how this will sound. I am 40 years old and have been married for 5 years this may, been together for 12. My wife is 30. I have loved this woman all of our 12 years, we did split for like 2 weeks prolly couple years into the relationship. We have no kids together or house but just a huge debt. ( please forgive my rambling or jumping off subject...im not sober, I am an emotional wreck atm We have been living together for the past 10 years. We knew each other very well before we got married etc...It did take awhile for us to get married because I ( we ) didn't want to put extra pressure on her while she was in college so bascially we were commited to each other for 7 years b4 we got married. Our marriage started out great, just like any other. Friends and family coming together to celebrate our love etc... No less that two months into our marriage I noticed a lump in my neck. It turned out to be cancer ( hodgkins lymphoma ) and this became our marriage for the next 2 years. I and her shocked once we found out when the doctor told us...I felt so numb on the drive home that day while she drove and cried. Well anyhow we ( I ) battled cancer with chemo for 8months...went into remission, cancer came back, went to stanford for stemcell transplant and im back into remession now for the past 4 years. I am so grateful for everything in my life now. My wife was amazing during my transplant because you need a care giver for the 2 month transplant and afterwards. My cancer has prevented us from our marriage outlook I would say. I mean we figured we would have a house by now, a kid or two. As i said I am so grateful to be alive and do live life with new eyes, but this cancer I think has killed my marriage. The medical bills are very expensive even tho i have medical insurance. I still go to doctors frequently for other side effect, meds etc. which just takes money and money. I can't get my wife pregnant and the only other way is to do invetro or inurtero which would cost us 15k to 20k. I so badly want to be a father As i said all this has put us way in debt, having a child would only add huge to that debt. Her dream is to have a house but can't afford because of our debt. I know she had a rough first 2 or 3 years of marriage taking care of me and she was great. I am a bit lazy and didn't have her endurance then. I do admit i didn't do enough around the house and it would get to a point where she would tell me to do things which upset her. My wife is the one that wears the pants in the relationship. She is the take charge type girl, wrote down all my meds etc.. somtimes caught doctors giving meds which aren't supposed to with prior meds i was taking etc..She controls all the household bills, she's an accountant. I basically gave her full control cause she's that type of woman. I did become co-dependant on her for little while while for 2 years of my cancer. My wife has changed over over the years. When we married she was 5'8 170 to 180lbs...me being the same. Didn't have many friends, she always came with me since i had lots etc... I gave up a friendship for her for a buddy i had of 25 years because she couldn't stand him and he eventually bad mouthed about her to me..etcc Anyhow im rambling, buzzed, crying cuz im a weak man not like my friends My wife looks awsome now, she's been running doing triathalon and is fit now like 145 and gets alot of looks. She gets whistles from guys and sees new attention that she hasn't seen before. She has friends at work that goes drinking once a night that's 'girls nite drinking' etc..which i thought was cool, she'd invite me couple times. but now its none existant because they can't have 'girl talk'. For the past 3 months i have been doing 90% of the chores around the house because I sensed her unhappiness. I still did the chores before but lot less. She tells me that she's so willing to leave me that she'll take the debt and file bankruptcy, she has told me that she cheated on me just so i'd leave her ( she didnt' cheat on me, she said she said that to hope i'd leave her ) and has made an extra bank account that she's putting money into. Orginally that was because chase bank offered 100 bux for new accounts. She does make more money than i do and i think thats part of it too....UGH I jus tcan't stand that everything we've been through she wants to throw it all away...daily she'd tell me 'love you' after every phone call, she'd show affection or initiate anything, now its me that has to do it and I can't stand it...grrr sry...rigth now she's at her sister's 90 miles away cause all i do is cry because im a b1tch....I apologize for my rant, i am weak, buzzed, I'm so lost i can't stop crying wtf...im a 40 yr old loser who didn't realize what he had and im too late I feel so ashamed i don't want to show my face to anyone...all i do is cry because everyone ask's "Oh where's the wife" blah God i felt so proud and happy and ill never see or feel that again Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Forget the wife! You beat cancer! That's pretty freaking HARD CORPS/ ALL DAY MARINE CORPS in my book! You go through that? Your a man! And nothing but! Carry On! Link to post Share on other sites
SickToStomach Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 I'm sure glad I found this forum. Grats on treating the cancer, that's what my step-son just got through. I'm in a similar boat as you...Wife just up and left me. I'm such an emotional wreck and I've got absolutely no one to talk to. Just knowing someone is going through the same thing at the same time as me made me feel a little better. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Hi, I know your pain! My ex left me 3 months ago, (together 18 years). What's the state pf play here? She asked for divorce, or has just up and left? Post when you are sober (the drink ain't gonna help right now). Let us know the details, the people here are really great, we'll see you throught this. Sober up and post back! Link to post Share on other sites
her_halo_slipped Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Hi... Somehow it doesn't seem simple that your W would have just up and left. It seems much more complex that that. Maybe she just got tired of having you co-dependant for so long. Great for you in battling your cancer and kudos to her for seeing you through. Now that you are well maybe she needs you to be more for her. Maybe it's your turn to be strong for her. Strong women on the outside can be needy on the inside although sometimes they will never tell you so. Pick yourself up, sober up, dust yourself off. You have everything to live for. Maybe when she sees that she will recognise the man she married. Maybe she doesn't want to be around a self confessed loser although I very much doubt you are a loser at all. Work on your self esteem. Focus on your good points. Live your life. Maybe just maybe she will come on back. If not...look what you will have gained for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 When you are sober, read Lupa's thread "Apart and shaken". Will give you an idea of what you need to do next. Post back, we are all here to help you through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thrash4 Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Hi, I know your pain! My ex left me 3 months ago, (together 18 years). What's the state pf play here? She asked for divorce, or has just up and left? Post when you are sober (the drink ain't gonna help right now). Let us know the details, the people here are really great, we'll see you throught this. Sober up and post back! Sorry, I do not know what 'pf' means. I'm new the abbreviations here. I would say she has asked for a divorce yes, I mean she says she wants to leave me. She has started a separate bank account that she's putting money into for her departure. She has not left yet our home yet, we sleep in the same bed at night. She does not touch me or show any affection whatsoever. There's a lot of silence in the house because it can turn into an argument or when I do start a conversation i can sense impatience or disgust in the fact that she has to talk to me. Basically lots of tension in this house Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Giving her some space would be a good start, let the anger subside so you both can communicate freely. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author thrash4 Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Hi... Somehow it doesn't seem simple that your W would have just up and left. It seems much more complex that that. Maybe she just got tired of having you co-dependant for so long. Great for you in battling your cancer and kudos to her for seeing you through. Now that you are well maybe she needs you to be more for her. Maybe it's your turn to be strong for her. Strong women on the outside can be needy on the inside although sometimes they will never tell you so. Pick yourself up, sober up, dust yourself off. You have everything to live for. Maybe when she sees that she will recognise the man she married. Maybe she doesn't want to be around a self confessed loser although I very much doubt you are a loser at all. Work on your self esteem. Focus on your good points. Live your life. Maybe just maybe she will come on back. If not...look what you will have gained for yourself. I may have misspoke myself, she didn't up and leave, just spent the night at her sisters house 90 miles away. I would say she feels I am co-dependant. I probably was during the first 2 years of our marriage. I do think she's feeling overwhelmed in everything in our lives. She says that i am too content. I am i guess. Been at my job for 18 yrs which i felt content with i guess. I'm too lazy but i changed that. She complains that I don't do enough with her family, I missed her sisters wedding since i was dealing with early remission. All my outgoing things i didn't do with her and her family over the course of 12 years are documented in her head and told to me on why she wants to leave. It seems not matter what i do or say does not change anything. Earlier today i talked to my parents about our marriage. They are very heart broken as I am. My parents asked me to have her come and have a family talk with them and see if we can sort out our financial fustrations and other issues. I'm not sure what to do there since she may get really mad over that, you know bringing parents into it. My parents love her dearly and want to help... Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 MC is your best start if she's willing Props to you for kicking cancer. This is going to be tough, but man, you've already kicked death's azz once. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Hi Thrash, pf was a typing error, I meant of. Do you think you could firstly give your wife a bit of space, then maybe talk to her calmly and suggest some marriage guidance counselling (MC)? Tell her you appreciate all she has done for you while you were sick and now you understand how that must have been for her and that since you have become co dependant and lazy. You want to try and work on these issues, because she means the world to you, you never meant to hurt her and you really want to make her happy, because you love her. tell her that you understand the seriousness of her complaints and that's why you think MC would be able to help you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Lot's of thoughts. First off, if she told you that she cheated on you...and then later recanted that saying that she told you that just to elicit a reaction from you...she lied. She almost certainly HAS cheated if she told you this...and then regretted her honesty and found a way to "take it back". Second...I totally understand what a rough time you've had of it, trying to maintain a life and get your cancer into remission. With that said, I'd still like to suggest that you "man up". Stop being so whiny about everything. Don't be afraid to INSIST on what you need in your life, in your marriage. Women fall in love with men that they respect. Women cannot respect a man that they can walk all over. They cannot respect a man who doesn't take strong, affirmative actions to protect himself, and his marriage. Stop crying. Stop asking for her to do this, or to do that. Tell her point blank that things are changing...and start taking charge of your life and your marriage just as you did in fighting your cancer. INSIST on marriage counseling. INSIST on positive changes to fix things. If she refuses, let her leave on her own...with NO help or support from you of any kind whatsoever. Take charge...or file for divorce. That's pretty much where you're at, friend. Link to post Share on other sites
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