Separating after 24 years

[Heart Broken]

Starting last Nov. My wife started to distance herself from me.

 

I finally asked her what was wrong and she said she wasn't happy with the ways things were going in our marriage and that we've grown apart.She needed time to think about things and maybe she should move out for a while.I told her that moving out may be the wrong thing to do and it might push us apart more.So she stay in the house .

 

I tried not to suffocate her.I tried to avoid her as much as possible to let her have here space to think.she knew it was just tearing me apart but she beared with it.We made it through the holidays pretty much as to put on the show for the family gatherings.By the way we have two children one 22 at home which we hardly see and one 20 away in another state.So they knew nothing.

 

So after the holidays I tried to talk to her and she said she wasn't happy and won't be happy being with me.She wanted a different life for herself.She wants more out of life and tired of 40 hour work weeks ,staying home weekend getaways and having to answer to a husband and kids.She said see wanted to see other people and who knows what will happen from there.She people who separate may or may not get back together,time will tell.

 

So she move out the first week in Jan.2003.I didn't put up a fight and let her go.She move in with a girl friend.Last weekend she stop by to get some things and we talked and she told me she had dinner with some guy.So it struck like the dummy I am that she had this planned for a while with this guy in the background.She told me that she would probably never come back and this guy might or might not be the one for her.

 

So a few days later I told her that I came to terms with this and that I would not bug her,follow her or spy on her.I told her that I loved her to much to do that and I wouldn't be a crazed jealous husband.I wished her the best of luck and only happiness and that I hope she doesn't get hurt like she hurt me.I also told her that I love her and I would always love her and that there will always be a place in my heart for me.

 

I want want to be friends with her for the kids sake and she agreed.My son has mixed feelings about it,fearing that I would throw him out if he says anything wrong and my daughter hates her and refuses to talk to her.

 

Now with that said and done,how do I cope with the heart break and the emptiness that I feel after losing the one I loved for over twenty-five years?????????

[Tony T]

What you're going through is extremely difficult. If you see her and try to remain friends when you are wanting to be her husband and NOT her friend, it will only prolong the healing process.

 

You have to go through the stages of healing, the final one being anger...then acceptance. You are best not to see her or communicate with her in any way.

 

You also need to understand what she has gone through and try to forgive her. She's only human. By today's standards, a 24-year-old marriage is very successful. Many of them don't get beyond three or four years.

 

You could have been the one to move on in a different direction...but, in this case it was her. Understand that 24 years is a very long time and people change and grow. What she is doing has absolutely nothing to do with you. It's all about her.

 

If you really do love her, let her go and disconnect for a good period of time. It could take you a few years...or even longer. One day you will be able to be her friend.

 

Right now you don't want to hear it and you're not ready for this, but there is someone else out there for you who will give you the love and attention you need.

 

I also warn you not to screw with your mind by second guessing as to what you should have done or shouldn't have done to prevent your wife from leaving. If you feel you did you best in the relationship, that should have been enough. If you neglected her or didn't listen to her, this is a wake-up call for you that there are no guarantees in life and people just don't hang around forever waiting for situations to get better.

 

So break away and start life anew, making yourself the best person you can possibly be. Remake yourself, experience new things. You will be taking on a whole new life. And while right now the thought of being alone may be very painful for you, time has a way of healing in a superb way and in a few years you will probably be the happiest man on the planet. Meanwhile, you'll have some up days and some down days. Be kind and patient with yourself.

[same ol' song]

i am totally not getting this at all!!! if it was a woman telling her story about her husband leaving like this, the advice would be he is a jerk and a cheating ---- and she should try to save the marriage and seek counseling and he is abadoning the family, etc. instead, we tell the guy to get on with your life. why do we never tell women, get on with your life, but coddle them and treat them like an abadoned puppy. but, when a woman leaves her husband its okay. why don't we ask women if they were insentive and neglectful? blows my mind. we are continuously treating women whose men leave them as victims and they continuoulsy act like it. i think it is horrible for women.

[Paul]

Originally posted by same ol' song

i am totally not getting this at all!!! if it was a woman telling her story about her husband leaving like this, the advice would be he is a jerk and a cheating ---- and she should try to save the marriage and seek counseling and he is abadoning the family, etc.

 

On this site? Where? Point me in the proper direction and watch me attack the axis of evil gender stereotypers.

[foxee]

Dear Heartbroken,

I left my husband after 26years-not for another man but for some of the same reasons you stated in your story. We grew apart and had put up a front for years. We didn't do anything to confront the problems just let resentment take over. Our children always came first, we forgot how to care for each other.

 

The day I left was the most difficult day of my life but I couldn't pretend any longer. I cried everyday for 2 years prior, struggling with the ambivalence and begging him to seek counseling to attempt to reignite feelings long gone.

 

I gave up and moved out eight months ago and now have found some peace and contentment in my life. I hope you find this as well. Stay close to your children and strive to keep things amicable for their sake.

Good Luck