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Just Hear Me Out....


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hi all,

i'm new to this place, as you can probably tell by my post count. i just felt like i needed to type out my story so that i could release it.

one month ago my wife of five years told me she wanted to separate, that she's not feeling the "spark" anymore, and doesn't think she's "in love". at that point, i left town for a few days for an already planned trip. when i returned, she left and went to stay with a friend for one night.

when she returned, i gave her the seemingly shocking news to her that i am not even sure what "in love" feels like anymore, and i am okay with the separation. my only worry is our 4 year old daughter. we agreed she would stay with me primarily and we will be very open on visitation and/or family time, for her.

okay, it has been one month since all of that conversation took place. i have run through a whirlwind of emotions the entire month. at times i regret my decision to agree with her on the separation, but every night i thank god for allowing me to say it to her, and i pray that things work out for the best.

my wife almost has all of her things out and into her new rental house. she explained to the landlord that she and i were hoping to make things better, and could she break the lease if so. he told her that was fine, she'd just lose her security deposit. when she told me she had asked, i was floored, because i really thought her decision was the be all to end all with our marriage. at that point i asked her if there was really hope for us, and she said "surely. there has to be. we love each other". i am 100% she is not messing around with anyone else. she has a close friend who is 10 years her junior at work, but that really is all he is, although i think he may be a snake in the grass.

anyway, since then i have searched all types of forums, columns, browsed books, and even went to a counselor. i don't see anything like my situation.

our plan is to still hang out with one another, do things with our daughter both separately and all together, and even go on dates.

my main issues in the fights leading to this are my jealousy, and anti-social tendencies. while i have a wealth of friends, i've always just opted to be a homebody, and looking back i sort of made it not open for discussion with my wife.

we have since discussed the possibility of reconciliation, divorce, and friendship. i would like to remain friends, because at heart we are best friends. she hasn't breeched my trust, but looking at all the other forums and such, it may just be a matter of time.

 

our "guidelines" are:

absolutely no fighting or talk of this in front of our daughter unless it's something she asks.

we both would like to continue to wear our rings.

we've agreed to no dating anyone, except possibly each other.

to openly discuss our issues at designated, agreed upon times.

to keep ourselves open to the possibility of counseling.

 

i guess i'm really wondering, even though i've found nothing really similar, is this all too common? should i strike while the iron's hot, and go ahead toward divorce, or should i really stick it out and try? at the heart of the matter, i adore my wife, i am crazy about my little girl, and i'd like to reconcile. i ask though, because she started it all with an all to common "not in love with you" phrase.

some days i'm really down and out, and others i'm not. it's really been on my mind a lot.

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i guess i'm really wondering, even though i've found nothing really similar, is this all too common? should i strike while the iron's hot, and go ahead toward divorce, or should i really stick it out and try? at the heart of the matter, i adore my wife, i am crazy about my little girl, and i'd like to reconcile. i ask though, because she started it all with an all to common "not in love with you" phrase.

 

 

Thats reason enough right there not to pursue divorce on your end. I would get into MC as quick as possible if your both willing. Sounds to me that there is still love there, and you both want to save it. Thats more then most of us poor souls are getting.

TOJAZ

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TrustInYourself

Do you normally communicate in this fashion? You say a ton of words, but don't get down the issue or problems. Why? Why a separation, rather than a divorce or just working on it together? Do you guys practice conflict avoidance?

 

I like your separation guidelines, but what the hell is the overall strategy? You sound misguided right now. Your strategy is to destroy your connection together and it seems to be working. Time will only aid you in losing her, unless you have a goal to work towards.

 

Why did this come about when you left town? Is there another woman in the picture? A friend?

 

You are pretty vague. What's the real deal?

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Do you normally communicate in this fashion? You say a ton of words, but don't get down the issue or problems. Why? Why a separation, rather than a divorce or just working on it together? Do you guys practice conflict avoidance?

 

I like your separation guidelines, but what the hell is the overall strategy? You sound misguided right now. Your strategy is to destroy your connection together and it seems to be working. Time will only aid you in losing her, unless you have a goal to work towards.

 

Why did this come about when you left town? Is there another woman in the picture? A friend?

 

You are pretty vague. What's the real deal?

 

no other woman. i have a friend who is a semi-pro MMA fighter, and was out of town to watch him fight, and visit with some old friends.

you're right. the rub is, i don't know the overall strategy. we do avoid conflict, and when it happens, it's quiet but it's bad. i jumped the gun and accused her of an emotional affair last summer, and it sent my jealousy into a tailspin, and her trust for me sinking. i was checking our cell phone bill religiously, and constantly asking her "who is this?" and such for months. i'd never been that way in my entire life, and i'm really working to break the habit. our core issues are trust issues. we lived 2 hours away from each other, and dated for over a year before we finally settled down and got married. i never once doubted her love. we really just have drifted into a routine, and both agree that maybe distance will bring us back to square one. we had four years of a wonderful marriage. i mean perfect. last summer changed everything.

i hate it for our daughter. i've suggested not doing this for her sake, but it's something we both need. we really are being amicable, and maybe just maybe we can fall back in love, and not feel like it's all so mundane.

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I you still love your wife then yes I do feel it is worth trying.

 

Like a friend told me; have you tried everything you could have to save your marriage?????

For me I didn't want to say; what if I would have done this or that. When my former wife finally filed I could say; yes I did what "I" could & until she did what she needed then I wasn't willing to work on our marriage anymore.

 

I would like to suggest checking out a local church & see what programs they have. I know the church I go to has a class called Marriage on the Rocks & I have heard good things about it.

 

Counseling is also good, but I feel you need to look at you, it takes two to get you at this point in a marriage so what did you do or what can you do to make it better. When you start doing different things, she will notice. start reading books such as His needs, Her needs or the Five Love Languages, and there are others but these were good for me.

 

Since she has moved out & wouldn't let her just move back in so fast. In order to start over & get a good foundation under you marriage it will take time, so use this time to really look at you.

 

If you are like I was saying; oh it wasn't me, it was her, then you really need to do some soul searching because that was me, I didn't think it was my fault & boy did I find out how wrong I was, but I feel I'm such a better person now for what I did...It does hurt but you keep at it she will notice & wonder what is happening...

 

Good luck, always try & save the marriage is how I feel.

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Go to MC now, you need to find the root cause of your problems and as you both avoid conflict MC will provide you with a comfortable and safe enviroment in which to do this. Yes, fight to save your marriage, or what was the point of getting married and becoming a family?

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hopefulInFuture

I think it's only normal for spark to subside in a long-term marriage if you let it go. The thing is that the spark in a marriage requires a lot of work on both sides. Honestly, I don't believe in a separation. People don't separate to reignite the spark. They separate to see whether they feel better without each other or whethere they were better off with each other.

 

If you want to get your spark back, fight for it. The separation after you've leave together for years as a husband and a wife is only going to make the matters worse. When you were in a long-term relationship with each other before, everything was new to you, you did not know each other... Now both of you know the other person very well, so I am not sure that the separation is a good idea. Rather, find new hobbies, gifts, words to make each other laugh and to make each other happy.

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i really need to express my fears here and now. she has been in daily communication with her male co-worker for the better part of a year now. i asked her to stop last summer, and she had for the most part. he only works part time, so if they weren't texting each day, they would only see each other for a couple hours a week. i actually broke down saturday night and begged her to just tell me if there was something with him. something that was or could potentially be more than a friend. she told me there's not.

deep inside, i believe the separation is going to end our marriage. i'm terrified. i've told her i see where it's coming from, but deep inside it is not something i want. i've asked her to seek counseling with me, but she doesn't like the idea. letting my guard down and really thinking about what others are saying makes me see that there is not a positive side to this, in regards to my marriage.

i cried myself to sleep last night. i'm so afraid.

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cons:

i've criticized

i haven't told her how incredible she is in a long time

i've let myself go physically

i've created situations in my head that just weren't there

i've become so jealous that i can't even bear the thought of my wife talking to another man

 

pros:

i joined the gym 2 weeks ago. i'm feeling better physically.

i shaved my beard back down to "respectable" level.

the day after it was agreed to separate, i went ahead to my doctor and was prescribed wellbutrin. thank god. i think i'd be a wreck right now without it.

i've talked to my preacher about this, and also to a counselor.

 

i have to let the pros outweigh the cons. i just have to. my daughter has to be able to see her daddy is strong, not sad and lonely.

my wife has to see that i am trying my damndest to get back to the man she fell in love with. if not to recreate "us", but just to show that that man really never checked out. he was there all along, and just needed the dust blown off.

 

i pray it's not to late. thank god for this forum, though. i really think i'm going to need it.

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The "not in love with you" phrase is a tough one to figure out. Being together for any length of time will change feelings. When you first get together, it's usually passionate, you spend all of your time together and then after awhile, reality sets in, life comes into play, you have children and things change.

 

Is she looking for that "we can't keep our hands off of each other" feeling? Is she finding your antisocial personality to be a major factor? I know when my S/O and I got together, things were very different than they are now. We went from passionate and crazy to being comfortable with our relationship.

 

I never understood people that separate and then work on getting back together even tho' I did it once. When I left my husband in 1989, we did that "let's work on getting back together thing". It only took a couple of weeks for both of use to realize that it wasn't to be. If you are living separate lives, it seems that that should tell you something - if you're going to work on things that are occuring under one roof, shouldn't you under one roof to be working on the issues?

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TrustInYourself

Thanks, that's more information you can work on. Take a guess on why the relationship is crumbling. You're going to have to have trust and I suggest working on yourself during this separation. I'm just going to throw this out there. You may have guidelines for a separation, but that doesn't mean anyone is going to follow them.

 

Let that do a number on you, let that sink in. You're going to have to get rid of that jealousy.

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The "not in love with you" phrase is a tough one to figure out. Being together for any length of time will change feelings. When you first get together, it's usually passionate, you spend all of your time together and then after awhile, reality sets in, life comes into play, you have children and things change.

 

Is she looking for that "we can't keep our hands off of each other" feeling? Is she finding your antisocial personality to be a major factor? I know when my S/O and I got together, things were very different than they are now. We went from passionate and crazy to being comfortable with our relationship.

 

I never understood people that separate and then work on getting back together even tho' I did it once. When I left my husband in 1989, we did that "let's work on getting back together thing". It only took a couple of weeks for both of use to realize that it wasn't to be. If you are living separate lives, it seems that that should tell you something - if you're going to work on things that are occuring under one roof, shouldn't you under one roof to be working on the issues?

 

this is exactly the idea i'm coming around on. i feel a negativity about the whole thing. i'm going to focus on turning it into a positive for myself and our daughter. admittedly, i'm scared, but i've had a little over a month now to adjust to us not being together, even though we've been under the same roof. we've had a couple of periods where i know she has regretted the decision to leave, because she's told me so. then, she goes back to "but it really is for the best".

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lostsoulmate
cons:

i've criticized

i haven't told her how incredible she is in a long time

i've let myself go physically

i've created situations in my head that just weren't there

i've become so jealous that i can't even bear the thought of my wife talking to another man

 

pros:

i joined the gym 2 weeks ago. i'm feeling better physically.

i shaved my beard back down to "respectable" level.

the day after it was agreed to separate, i went ahead to my doctor and was prescribed wellbutrin. thank god. i think i'd be a wreck right now without it.

i've talked to my preacher about this, and also to a counselor.

 

i have to let the pros outweigh the cons. i just have to. my daughter has to be able to see her daddy is strong, not sad and lonely.

my wife has to see that i am trying my damndest to get back to the man she fell in love with. if not to recreate "us", but just to show that that man really never checked out. he was there all along, and just needed the dust blown off.

 

i pray it's not to late. thank god for this forum, though. i really think i'm going to need it.

 

 

Life challenges like yours really cannot be weighed by a balance scale. When you are in a situation like this the pros and cons change too much. When you think we have it all balanced, something comes out of left field to throw it off.

 

Try to not think of it like this.

 

Try to understand your behaviour and modify it. Try to figure out what "you" want it life. With the two of you separated, all you can really do is take care of yourself and your daughter's needs.

 

When you begin to live "your" life, you will find that happiness was always there, it just hides sometimes.

 

I wish you luck.

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Thanks, that's more information you can work on. Take a guess on why the relationship is crumbling. You're going to have to have trust and I suggest working on yourself during this separation. I'm just going to throw this out there. You may have guidelines for a separation, but that doesn't mean anyone is going to follow them.

 

Let that do a number on you, let that sink in. You're going to have to get rid of that jealousy.

 

absolutely. my counselor says it's a habit. she stated that the frequency of the texting i caught last summer essentially sent me into a tailspin, and i have now formed a habit that i hadn't had before.

you're right. i have to let the jealousy go. if i don't, i'm screwed. not only here, but forever. i'll never be a trusting person again. oh man. now i'm starting to see the light.

i decided weeks ago that i will be using this time for myself. i will just have to wait it out and see if i can even actually handle being together as a family for a while. i'm starting to hit my point where i want to rehash the same points over and over with her. trying to convince myself they are concrete, when they are not.

my daughter doesn't deserve that. right now she'd be better off individually with her mommy and daddy then to see mommy and daddy pining and whining or fighting together.

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Tell your wife you respect she needs her space, ask again if she is willing to go to MC. If she says yes make the appointment and go. To me it sounds like your wife REALLY is in two minds here. My ex would not even discuss working anything out or reconcililation. I don't think you should give up hope yet, it really does sound like your wife is willing to try. Just because she moved out doesn't mean it's over, you both just need a bit of help navigating through this mess. Don't screw this up, go to MC.

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Like they say; separation is the last resort to get someones attention, not to check out what it would be like on your own, which many people do.

 

I would also like to suggest books written by Henry Cloud & John Townsend, they also have a web site that is good.

 

I was married for 28 years, my wife said all the same things, I love you but NOT in love with you. Now that we are divorced she isn't sure she did the right thing.....

Take it slow, don't just to conclusions, but you also need to protect yourself. If your wife moved out & she is talking to that other guy, she is getting all those fuzzy feelings like she did when you two met.

 

Sad part is that only lasts for a while, maybe a year then reality sits in. You are doing the right thing, talk to your pastor, get good Christian help.

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Like they say; separation is the last resort to get someones attention, not to check out what it would be like on your own, which many people do.

 

I would also like to suggest books written by Henry Cloud & John Townsend, they also have a web site that is good.

 

I was married for 28 years, my wife said all the same things, I love you but NOT in love with you. Now that we are divorced she isn't sure she did the right thing.....

Take it slow, don't just to conclusions, but you also need to protect yourself. If your wife moved out & she is talking to that other guy, she is getting all those fuzzy feelings like she did when you two met.

 

Sad part is that only lasts for a while, maybe a year then reality sits in. You are doing the right thing, talk to your pastor, get good Christian help.

 

this is the thing that disturbs me the most. it is an issue i'm determined to overcome, however. jealousy cannot get the best of me, from today forward.

we talked this morning, briefly, and she asked me if i would keep the spare key to her house, for a just in case kind of thing. i told her i would, but now i'm not so sure. i don't want to be placed in a position that could ultimately backfire on me like that. i really hope she and i will work everything out, but i don't know right now. i'm hoping to get myself back in order, because that's what matters most right now, after my daughter.

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this is the thing that disturbs me the most. it is an issue i'm determined to overcome, however. jealousy cannot get the best of me, from today forward.

we talked this morning, briefly, and she asked me if i would keep the spare key to her house, for a just in case kind of thing. i told her i would, but now i'm not so sure. i don't want to be placed in a position that could ultimately backfire on me like that. i really hope she and i will work everything out, but i don't know right now. i'm hoping to get myself back in order, because that's what matters most right now, after my daughter.

 

Thats the key right there. There is nothing you can do to change her, thats something she will have to decide on her own. Follow your own advice. I wouldn't take the key. I don't know why, but it sounds like a bad idea.

TOJAZ

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she went yesterday and registered our daughter for the pre-k program at her day care.

this is going to be such a mess. i've completely reversed how i'm feeling, as i've watched her get pretty much everything but a few stitches of clothing and toiletries from the house. i've not slept a full night in weeks. i dream about she and her "friend" frequently. i've gotten myself to a place where i am just convinced he is more than that, and can't turn it off.

i know she hasn't even spent a night in her new house yet, but i feel like as a male in america, i should go ahead and file for divorce while she is still okay with giving me primary physical custody of our little girl. i just don't want to lose her being with me the majority of the time.

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she texted me this morning that she hasn't slept in days, and is so scared and sad. my heart is breaking more and more each day now. i know tonight will in all probability will be her last guaranteed night in OUR house. last night she slept in our daughter's room by herself. she came in and rubbed my arm for about a minute. i just kept my eyes closed, as that is about the most physical contact i've gotten in weeks. if we try and talk about things, i just rehash the same points over and over, so i refuse to do that anymore.

i'm thinking filing or not right away, i need some time to myself NOW. i need her to go, because that's the choice she's made, and now that she's on the verge of being totally out, i'm starting to fall apart. i don't want her to see this side of me. not right now. again, thank god i went ahead and got prescribed anti-depressant before this actually got rolling. i'm on a pretty even keel right now, and am doing a decent job of masking my emotions for now.

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Why are you masking your emotions? I don't get this, I'm sorry but your wife doesn't want to go, she's reaching out to you and you are masking your emotions and keeping your eyes shut when she touches you.

 

You NEED to TALK to her.

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Why are you masking your emotions? I don't get this, I'm sorry but your wife doesn't want to go, she's reaching out to you and you are masking your emotions and keeping your eyes shut when she touches you.

 

You NEED to TALK to her.

 

you're right. i have talked to her today for about an hour. best convo we've had in a while. she told me that we were very in love until about a year ago, when i accused her of the EA. she said something changed in her, but it's not completely dead. she told me that in her work, she is around almost all guys, and i really have let jealousy get the best of me. i told her i know, and i promise i will work on that. i let her know that i'm not able to give her a definite time frame, but i absolutely am taking necessary steps to be better, for myself, for my daughter, and i hope someday for her. she let me know that she wants all of her friends i don't know to see what a great man she married. not the green eyed monster of today.

i failed to ever mention that she got pregnant THE NIGHT she moved to my town and into my house at the time. we had gone almost 2 years without something like that even being a threat. we found out she was prego 3 days before our flight to vegas, and the wedding. we never got the chance to be together closely, and just continue to be ourselves. we instantly became fast paced to prepare for our daughter, and since life has been mostly about her. we've lost ourselves. i told her that i pray we find ourselves again, and that we haven't gotten too far away from each other. she said this too is her hope.

i have to beat my inner demons. she does want to go, however. scared as she is, she's already paid a good bit of money to get her place set up. she needs the space right now. i can provide that.

at the same time, we're going to hold fast to being a family at least once a week for our little beauty, as well as go on dates.

TIY, you'll be happy to know that we now have a set goal, and it is to save our marriage!

i'm still going up, down and all around emotionally, because nothing is concrete.

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This is great news, a real positive step. Now, get yourself to therapy and get your jeaslouy issues sorted, date your wife, enjoy it, don't drag up the relationship problems on these dates. Show her your in threapy and trying to improve.

 

I'm so pleased for you, you have more than a hope here. Thank God you kept talking. Keep posting and best of luck!

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Sufferin_Succotash

I am very happy for you. Nothing is accomplished without first setting it as a goal, and, if both of you are working towards it, then it becomes easier to obtain.

 

Work on yourself. That needs to be first and foremost. Do not make promises even if they feel right. Promises in these situations are dangerous things. Show her through actions not words. Do not say things like "see how I have changed". Even in their best intentions they come across as insincere and manipulative. Give her the space she is asking for. As much as it will hurt, you HAVE to do it. Both for her and yourself.

 

Good luck. I know I will be rooting for you.

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This is great news, a real positive step. Now, get yourself to therapy and get your jeaslouy issues sorted, date your wife, enjoy it, don't drag up the relationship problems on these dates. Show her your in threapy and trying to improve.

 

I'm so pleased for you, you have more than a hope here. Thank God you kept talking. Keep posting and best of luck!

 

thank God is right. it felt pretty right because i didn't initiate all of the talk of working things out. she knows that before that point last year, i've never been jealous in my whole life. i just know that she does want time to herself, and not to feel overwhelmed all of the time. i hope it doesn't become to terribly comfortable for her, to where she doesn't care to try anymore.

i'm going to get these jealousy issues tackled. that's all there is to it. i don't want this hanging over me forever. i hope i'm not over assuming here. it still is a separation, and that weighs heavily on my mind.

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