My ex has 'taken' my friends and family...

[Tilly1969]

Hi I am new here and desperate for some advice. Apologies in advance, this is a long one!

 

I am going through a divorce which my ex has not contested, he has agreed it is all his fault. He is a functioning alcoholic who spent every night drinking till morning, watching tv. We were married just over a year. I realised he was not going to change as he doesn't see his drinking a problem. After so many chances I gave up and kicked him out. I am pretty gutted that he didn't fight for our marriage and I really resent him for carrying on without a care in the world, he is out drinking every night so nothing has changed there.

 

The main problem for me is that when we got together I brought my ex into my circle of friends, he didn't have many of his own. He also became very attached to my sister and brother-in-law who I spend a lot of time with.

Since I kicked him out (10 months ago) I have not had one opportunity to go out with my sister and brother-in-law without my ex being present.

He is stuck to them (and my other friends) like glue.

 

I feel that you can't be friends with an ex until there has been a suitable period for you to be apart and lick your wounds. He wants to be in my face and stay friends because it will be easier all round. But I resent him so much for the way things have turned out that I just don't want to be in his company.

 

My friends say they don't want to take sides. My ex has told everybody that I never gave him a chance and the divorce is my fault. He has cried sympathy and basically is such a sneak he has manipulated the situation to gain everybodys sympathy.

 

There are many things that he lied about through our marriage (debts aswell as alcohol) and he is still like that now, but he is 'mr nice guy' to everybody and wants to be liked, its quite sad in a way. He calls at my sisters house to see my brother-in-law daily and is always ringing them and my friends to go out.

 

It has got to the stage now where I would rather stay in than be in his company so I have to basically give up my friends and family because he is not going anywhere. How can he be so thick-skinned?

 

He has no shame over the hurt he has caused, although he does put on the crocodile tears now and again when he has had a few drinks.

 

I have no intention of meeting anybody new because I am not in that place right now but I have been chatted up when we have all been out at a social occassion. When this happened my drunken ex went ballistic and dragged me away from the man I was talking to. Me being chatted up was frowned upon by our 'crowd' of friends, including my sister. They felt that it upset my ex so I shouldn't do anything until at least the divorce is finalised.

 

I can understand this if we both follow this rule, but many months ago my ex started dating other women and I know he has slept with a few women since we split.

However, our friends don't find this a problem. Why is he acting the victim and I am being punished?

 

I am so frustrated, I really feel like I'm going mad. I have asked him several times in the last 10 months to name just one night when he is not going to be out, so I can enjoy my friends company without him looking over my shoulder? He couldn't give me a date.

 

I am having a 40th birthday party soon and as it is a private function it will be the first occassion in almost a year where I will be able to enjoy being with my friends and family without my ex being there. I have made sure he knows he is not invited.

 

This is even making me worry because he is always in everybodys face, everybodys 'friend', I know on the night lots of people will be asking where my ex is and why isnt he invited. He will turn the sad face on and play the victim again because he is going to be the only person not there.

 

The man has no dignity at all. If he had said once or twice in the last 10 months that he would take a step back and let me have a night out with my friends, then I would have no problem inviting him, I wouldnt like to purposely leave anybody out. But he has given me no choice.

 

Am I going mad? Why does nobody see through him?

 

Is that it for me now? I feel like I can't move on and I can't help feeling so resentful at the way things have turned out.

 

Any advice?

[2sure]

Ok, so he got the friends. Because he hasn't changed, eventually his irresponsible behavior will come through and they will see him for what he is. Either way - they have apparently chosen him over you for the moment. Maybe they are drunks as well so have more in common with him?

 

But your SISTER? Thats another story. EX's do not get our sisters. Period.

 

It is perfectly perfectly OK to expect her (and her H ) to choose. You are family. if they choose him....you have a family problem with little to do with him.

[webmuse]

Yeah, I would for sure have a sit down with my sister!

 

Have you talked to your friends at all about how this affects you?

[Windy27]

 

I can understand this if we both follow this rule, but many months ago my ex started dating other women and I know he has slept with a few women since we split.

 

Are you sure he has slept with other woman? Are you sure your friends/family believe that he did?

 

Have you dated/slept with anyone during or before the split?

[Tilly1969]

Are you sure he has slept with other woman? Are you sure your friends/family believe that he did?

 

Have you dated/slept with anyone during or before the split?

 

I am sure he has slept with other women and it is common knowledge.

I have not dated/slept with anyone, it's not worth the hassle.

 

Basically, I am a single mum of a teen daughter, and I limit my nights out to around once every 2 weeks. My ex is out every single night so if any of our 'crowd' happened to go out he would be there to attach himself to them at every opportunity. He also phones them to track them down.

 

I don't make the effort to 'date' because if we are all out together then my ex is guaranteed to be there. He then becomes verbally abusive if I flirt with a single man.

 

My friends know how I feel but they don't appreciate how difficult it is to have to socialise with an ex and act like everything is normal. I don't think any of them have ever been in this position so they don't understand how awful I feel. As long is my ex is harming nobody then they don't mind him being in their company. But I'm sure not one of them would put up with it if it happened to them. Several of them have got ex-wives, ex-husbands but they wouldn't dream of socialising with them and going on holiday with them. Thats another thing, we go away for weekends as a group and I am dreading the next trip because I know I will have to back out.

 

My sister is my best friend and she does appreciate how I feel but she thinks my ex is harmless. Again, she has never been in this position and as long as he is trying to be everybodys friend then he will be in the picture. My ex goes out of his way to drive my brother in law to work, he offers to do favours for my sister and her family. He is always trying to be a 'do gooder' but I just see it for what it is. He is desperate to be liked.

 

My friends don't mind that he has been dating, and my sister is fine about him with other women. The reason being is that I was thrilled to hear he had decided to move on, I thought he would then leave me alone.

So he would be encouraged to find a girlfriend by our friends, they know this would give me some breathing space.

 

He is just so thick-skinned and doesn't see how it affects me. It has got to the point where I have no communication with him now when we do go out. This weekend was a 75th birthday celebration when all our friends attended, including my ex. I didn't speak to my ex, nor did I sit with our main group of our friends. Just because he chooses to be in my company, I have to treat him like he is not there.