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Insight to wife's constant "control" speech to me


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Hi all

 

My wife and I of 16 years are going through what many of you are and I have moved out of our bedroom to provide some of the space and independence she needs right now. I have read some earlier threads about not abandoning my family and I am not about to any time soon. However, my wife has an issue that is very obvious about control. She says I control everything in her life and she is not going to let me control her anymore. In some ways she thinks I am controlling our situation now because I won't just give up and walk away or move out.

 

Here is an example from yesterday. My wife spent the weekend with her girlfriends and I spent the weekend with my daughter and worked together on putting together a nice mothers day for her, dinner, gifts, cleaned the house, laundry, etc. This is not my normal MO but I am trying to be a better husband, father and partner. Anyway, she returned from a nice weekend tired and although in a tired mode, thanked me for the gifts and dinner and that it was very good. She also made a short comment that she did not know where one of the gifts would go cause she did not know where she'd be in a year. In my card to her I wrote some thing along the lines of committing myself to her and focusing on her needs and wants out of life (we're in our mid forties married 16 years).

 

My wife had a few glasses of wine, was checking her email and then later that evening just raged out of the blue. Said I was trying to control her agin by not giving her what she wants and how she wants it...that I am doing things too little too late. She kept on saying that she is tired of being controlled and that I am a control freak. I guess over 16 years of marriage I have had my say and certainly could be better but never consdiered my self controlling of her. What could be my wifes mindset and is their any advice from the board?

 

A few things I know about her right now in time:

- She is dealing with a chronic illness and is in constant pain which has gotten worse leading to her being depressed

- Her family and support group are not here as we have moved several times in 4 years related to my job or lay off

- We have an autistic child who is growing up and experiencing various challenges each year that are harder to deal with

- Our goals in life and things we wanted to do have been derailed due to lifes challenges and lack of money to do these things

- My wife is also going through perimeapuase andhas also told me she hates getting old, started with cosmetic treatments etc.

- She is searching out old high school classmates on-line

 

Is this all about mid-life crisis coming together in our marriage and that she is un happy onhow things are? I feel like she wants to escape me, my daughter and just start all over. Based on what I have written, could I be right?

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(1) I think you really need to move on - tough as it is to accept, it sounds like she is gone emotionally from the marriage

 

(2) This is not about you controlling her - it is about your spoiling her plan. Don't move out.

 

(3) Consult a lawyer ASAP. There are some really big red flags in your post which could make this turn out very badly for you in a divorce settlement. If she claims disability due to chronic pain and depression, you could be on the hook for permanent alimony. And if she claims your child has special needs and needs one consistent environment, she could go for sole custody. You must urgently come up with a plan to address this.

 

In short, your issue is not salvaging your marriage - it is making the most of the rest of your life and coming through this with some remaining financial and emotional health.

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seibert253

You're not controlling her, she's+ using this excuse to justify her actions. This is also an attempt to dull or nullify the internal guilt she's feeling about this.

This mechanism helps a wayward or walkaway spouse justify their actions. Their thinking; I don't want to feel bad about throwing away X years of marriage, so I'll blame my spouse with X excuse.

 

She wants control over her life, fine, give her control and freedom. If your not familar with the 180, research it, learn it, and use it. It works, trust me.

 

You are not going to "win-back" you wife by showering her with love, attention, being the perfect husband, and showing her you now are addressing "her concerns". As a matter of fact, this will just push her further away. What happened after mother's day is a perfect example of this.

 

The 2x4 of reality, on her on without you, is the only thing that will bring her back to reality. This starts with the 180.

 

It will not be too long when she'll notice the change and how you treat her. When she asks, "what's wrong" or "why are you acting this way", then you'll know it's sinking in. Your response; Honey you wanted control and distance, I'm just giving you want you want.

 

It's hard because you love her, and you just want your love to snap her out of it. She may, but she may not. She will not "snap out of it" soon, unless you "help her" with the 180.

It will be one of the hardest things you ever will do, but stick with it. One of two things will occur; she come to reality and back to you, or you'll have a clear picture she's not, then you can move on.

 

This no longer is about her, this about you, and planning for your children's future. With or without her. She chose this path, you did not.

 

Good Luck and God Bless

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My former wife told me I was controlling & she was right!!!

 

The problem started when we were first married, she felt like she was under her dad's thumb but married me because I was like her dad. She would never make up her own mind & never really had the girlfriends to help her develop that learning skill, so since someone had to make a choice I did it.

 

Then when she got older she was trying to add her input but I was so used to being the one that made the decision that I wouldn't let her.

 

It wasn't until people on here & doing some other soul searching for "ME" that I finally figured that out.

It was really hard on me when I finally saw what I was doing but it was to late, she moved out & filed for divorce.

 

I just hope she will find what she "thought" she was missing in our marriage.

 

My advice is let the wife do what she wants, she needs that time but don't do anything quick. Give her the space because their is nothing you can do about that. In my case three weeks before the divorce was to be final she sent me an email wondering if she did the right thing? At that point I had moved on, did a lot of work on me & I wasn't ready to go back.....

 

Work on you, what you could have done different in the marriage so if it works then fine & if it doesn't you will be more prepared for your next relationship or even being single.

 

Take care of the kids & you & that is all......

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whichwayisup

She needs to fix herself, get counselling for her depression, maybe be on meds, and go to a pain management clinic for her other issues. She's lost herself and her frame of mind is not good - Hense the way she is. She's looking for attention online, which isn't going to help - For her that's a bandaid, an in the moment fix to make HER feel better..

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She needs to fix herself, get counselling for her depression, maybe be on meds, and go to a pain management clinic for her other issues. She's lost herself and her frame of mind is not good - Hense the way she is. She's looking for attention online, which isn't going to help - For her that's a bandaid, an in the moment fix to make HER feel better..

 

None of that will be fixed during the divorce process - it will get worse because the worse it gets, the more money he will owe her.

 

This will be a very, very expensive divorce - almost for sure it will involve lifetime alimony.

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She didn't get angry over nothing, something in her email triggered it. Get a key logger and figure out whats really going on. Last but not least do not beg for her to come back. H's always try to become the best possible H when this happens and it just drives the wives away

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