Marriage Counselling...your thoughts?

[searcher]

My husband has finally agreed to MC.

 

I have no experience of MC and don't know anyone who has. I've read a lot of negative things about it. I'm wondering if it's the right thing to do or not. I know I probably have nothing to lose but I'm feeling unsure about it.

 

If anyone wants to share their experience or thoughts on the subject I'd really appreciate it.

[Pradajunkie]

My husband has finally agreed to MC.

 

I have no experience of MC and don't know anyone who has. I've read a lot of negative things about it. I'm wondering if it's the right thing to do or not. I know I probably have nothing to lose but I'm feeling unsure about it.

 

If anyone wants to share their experience or thoughts on the subject I'd really appreciate it.

 

Honestly I liked MC but you have to have 2 people willing to work on it, together. When we went, we were doing really well...so well he thought we didn't need it anymore, however the same problems keep recurring out of couselling, and I can't get him to commit to it. Make sure you find a couselor who you both like and respect and stay with it, no matter how well you are doing or how hard it seems! Good Luck to you.

[Ariadne]

I think that marriage is between two people and a third one is too many.

 

MC is just a desperate attempt to salvage what is lost for the most part.

[carhill]

Why do you want to go? That's the important part. The answer is less obvious than you might think.

 

We saw a clinical psychologist for a bit over a year...... I want to hear your answer before commenting further

[Lizzie60]

I have had individual therapy.. not about my couple.. it was personal.. when I had my depression... I went through two psychiatrists, about ..maybe 5 psychologists... and they were all bad.. really bad..

 

Not one single of them really helped me.. it was a big waste of money and time..

 

Anyone can be a psychotherapist... you just need a university degree.. it's nothing..

 

Only one helped.. and he was the gay friend of my daughter.. we didn't go into deep therapy.. it was on a night out with my daughter for a drink, she had organized that meeting.. as she was very worried about me... he's the one who helped me.. (he was a MC for gays).. but he accepted to talk to me since he was my daughter's good friend.

 

I find that human psychics are waayyyy too complicated for another person to analyse over a short period of time..

 

I say therapy can be good IF you have many years and load of money to spare and that you are really prepared to work on yourself.. plus you need to have total faith in that person.

 

Then.. and only then.. I would say there is hope..

[searcher]

carhill

 

I'm not sure if i want to go or not. I gave my husband an ultimatum of either coming home or we would divorce. He chose not to come home but was worried he was making the wrong decision. His worries were more about our children more that they were about leaving me. He went for 1 IC session and was advised to try MC.

 

I have never suggested MC to him. I have had IC for myself and not found it overly helpful. But I accepted to go to MC because this is the only thing he has done or said in 3 months which indicates he might be willing to try and work things out.

 

So I guess the reason I would want to go is because I hope it will help my husband find a reason to come home. Then again if he can't come to that own decision on his own am I just prolonging my own agony.

 

I hope this makes sense. I feel I have made so many wrong decisions I'm starting to doubt myself, I just don't know if I'm seeing things clearly anymore.

[carhill]

Another question, at the risk of sounding like our psychologist...

 

Why do you feel IC was not helping you?

 

Consider that your goal is to have your husband find a reason to come home. That's a good goal. Now, why do you think MC will accomplish that goal?

 

Trust me, I'm not trying to be mean here. The key is finding the essence of how your psychologies interplay with each other. All the goals you desire will turn upon the basics of your psychology and how you both work on them together. You will only make it as a team. Take it from someone whose team failed but who still sees the process as a success.

[searcher]

Thanks carhill. I've found the help and suggestions from this forum more helpful that anything else.

 

I don't think that IC has really been of much benefit to me because it all my therapist does is listen to me and then gives me strategies about how i can look after myself. I need someone who can ask the right questions and get me to think about things from a difference perspective or think about thing that i may not have consiously recognised. I think I have the wrong therapist possibly.

 

I guess what i would want from MC is to have someone help my husband see things in a different light. Get him to see that there is something worth fighting for. Nothing I have said seems to make any difference so maybe third party can get him start thinksing about what he has to loose.

 

I really appreciate any questions and advise you have that will help me. I'm really muddled over this.

[searcher]

Just a thought...

 

I want him to come home so we can work things out.

 

He want's to see if we can work things out before he'll thing about coming back.

 

We see this situation form opposite sides. Whose right? I know I'm being really impatient and he seems to be dragging thins out as slowly as possible.

[carhill]

I can tell you our MC pushed for cohabitation (my wife had relocated to my mom's empty house for awhile) during the MC process. His position was that it was too easy to not work on the M while living separately. He was right. Our MC was very proactive and had opinions. He wasn't passive at all. Perfect fit for me. Needed a challenge.

 

Do not be afraid to try different therapists. A good one will interview you and encourage you to interview him/her. They want you to trust them and feel comfortable with them. It has to come naturally. If it's not there, move on.

 

IMO, if your H does not wish to come home and participate in MC, then I'd file for divorce. Be aware it won't sound so cut and dried when you experience it. You'll have to form your own conclusions and act unilaterally. I know that sucks. Trust me, I know.

 

I really want you to think about what you need from the therapy process. For example, do you think there are areas of your personality and/or behavior which you could work on to be a better partner? Think about that. No need to discuss it here. Marriages are a team effort. No one is "right" or "wrong". You both have "responsibility".

 

Hope it works out