Can this be fixed?

[confusedohioguy]

I'm just gonna put it all out there... I'm new to the forums, yadda yadda yadda. Ok, the issue. My wife wants to separate. The reason she gives me is because she loves me but she's not "in love" with me. She said that for the past 2 years she hasn't wanted to have sex with me, she's only done it because I'd get upset if she didn't. Unfortunately, that's true. I would take it to heart if she didn't want to have sex with me. I'm 27 years old and have an EXTREMELY HIGH sex drive. I've tried to control it but I can't. My wife says I have a sex addiction, but I've never had any other girl I've been with tell me that. We've been together for almost 6 years, married for 3. We got pregnant with our daughter when we were dating for only 9 months. Sad to say my wife had a "fetal demise" at 25 weeks. That crushed us both. We figured that only made us stronger and continued on. We decided to get married and went at it full steam ahead. We were very much in love, all the classic signs. Great sex life, had a blast with each other, rarely even argued. We got married, built a new house, I changed jobs, and we got pregnant with our son. Happy to say he's a healthy 2 year old and we both love him like you wouldn't believe. Unfortunately, my new job required, and still does, that I work long hours AND I drive and hour and a half one way to work. However, I get laid off every winter for 2-4 months. I'm the sole provider so I take all the hours I can get. It's nothing to put in 60-70 hours a week, but I gotta do what I gotta do to provide, right? Ok, here's MY issue with my wife's issue... I still love her not only as the mother to my son, but as my wife. Actually, let me get back to the whole getting upset about not having sex thing. Like I said, I have a high sex drive. And I take way too many things personally. Growing up, my parents were always arguing, throwing stuff at each other, threatening divorce, the whole nine. In my messed up mind, I equate sex with love. Therefore, when my wife said no to sex, I felt like she was really saying she didn't love me. Crazy, I know, but it's the way my brain was computing things. I now realize where I was wrong. My wife also told me that she felt like she had to have sex with me so I would let her do things and so I would be nice to her. She said she almost felt like I raped her. I told her that was very disturbing to hear and that I NEVER made her have sex with me. She rephrased it by saying that she felt like she had to have sex with me. Ok, so now she wants to separate and for some reason, I'm not as bewildered as I thought I'd be. While I still love her very much and will miss putting my son to bed and just being able to hug him or pick him up anytime I want, I almost feel a sense of freedom with the pending separation. Is this normal? Does this mean I don't really want to be with her? I want to buy a house right away, but she wants me to wait to make sure it's what she wants. I don't want to waste money renting a house, especially while rates are low. Plus, I don't want to waste the money furnishing a rental until she makes up her mind. Am I wrong to tell her thanks, but no thanks on the separation and just go forward with buying my own place, or am I rushing things? One more thing to add. She says she doesn't know if she could ever have sex with me again and feel good about it. So, in my mind, I don't see a recovery here. Any help is much appreciated, along with any criticism that you may feel I deserve. Thank you.

[confusedohioguy]

sorry I was all over the place with all of that, but my emotions were running wild

[Gunny376]

Lots of things going on here.

 

The reason she gives me is because she loves me but she's not "in love" with me. She said that for the past 2 years she hasn't wanted to have sex with me, she's only done it because I'd get upset if she didn't.

 

 

Its been my general experince that this usually means (a) there's someone else or (b) she's got her eye on someone else.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, that's true. I would take it to heart if she didn't want to have sex with me. I'm 27 years old and have an EXTREMELY HIGH sex drive. I've tried to control it but I can't. My wife says I have a sex addiction,

 

Men sexually peak at around 18, women beging peaking in their late twenties to mid-thirties. You might want to go and get your testerone checked. Ditto for her, and while she's there she might want to have her tyroid checked.

 

 

We got pregnant with our daughter when we were dating for only 9 months. Sad to say my wife had a "fetal demise" at 25 weeks.

 

The rate of divorce for men that father children out of wedlock ~

90%; the divorce rate for men that get married under the age of 25 ~ 90%; the divorce rate for couples who experience the death of a child? 90 %

 

Unfortunately, my new job required, and still does, that I work long hours AND I drive and hour and a half one way to work. However, I get laid off every winter for 2-4 months. I'm the sole provider so I take all the hours I can get. It's nothing to put in 60-70 hours a week, but I gotta do what I gotta do to provide, right?

 

"All work and no play makess Jack a dull boy!" Factoring in comute time, working 70 hours a week, and eight hours sleep? That leaves you approximately 3-1/2 a day hours to spend time with the wife and son, shave, shower, eat, do chores, run errands, pay bills,

 

I equate sex with love. Therefore, when my wife said no to sex, I felt like she was really saying she didn't love me.

 

As do most men.

 

I want to buy a house right away, but she wants me to wait to make sure it's what she wants. I don't want to waste money renting a house, especially while rates are low. Plus, I don't want to waste the money furnishing a rental until she makes up her mind

.

 

Women's minds are wired differently than men's such so that they don't seem to us to be thinking rationally. Its not that, its just men's and women's minds are wired differently.

 

 

 

Am I wrong to tell her thanks, but no thanks on the separation and just go forward with buying my own place, or am I rushing things?

 

 

Only you truly can answer that question.

 

One more thing to add. She says she doesn't know if she could ever have sex with me again and feel good about it. So, in my mind, I don't see a recovery here.

 

Were it me, and you were my Son? I would advise you to get to 'steppin'!

 

[lkjh]

That one line she gave you "loves me but not in love with me" usually means there is someone else.

[GorillaTheater]

In my messed up mind, I equate sex with love. Therefore, when my wife said no to sex, I felt like she was really saying she didn't love me. Crazy, I know, but it's the way my brain was computing things. I now realize where I was wrong.

 

Like Gunny said, most men equate sex (with their wife)with love. The periods in my marriage where I felt that my wife was not interested in sex were very hard. It made me feel unattractive, unappreciated (like I wasn't much more than a paycheck), unloved and frankly, unmanned. We have worked through it, but your situation sounds much more serious.

 

I'm sorry, I don't have much in the way of advice. Other than to say that you shouldn't feel badly about wanting sex. Wanting to make love to your wife is no crime.

[Alan430]

she loves me but she's not "in love" with me.

 

In my opinion this is the "Marriage Kiss of Death"

 

I had the same feeling as you in the initial seperation though mine was about a month after. I can tell you man that you can expect a rollercoaster of emotions. One day you will be on top of the world and that night you can be so so loney and missing her.

 

You really need to ask yourself if you want to be with her. You said you feel some relief but what is your emotion toward her? I would recommend you disect your emotions toward her, if it anything but a "its ok i forgive you" feeling i would hold off. I personally was on the rollercoaster until the day i felt like i have forgiven her and could look her in the face. :I wouldnt worry about the housing prices jumping anytime soon.

 

But on the other hand moving on is really the best advice, i dont think once that kiss of death has been laid on the table there isnt much point in trying reconcil. They ususally dont even want to try at this point.

[Alan430]

Lots of things going on here.

 

 

 

 

Its been my general experince that this usually means (a) there's someone else or (b) she's got her eye on someone else.

 

 

 

 

 

Men sexually peak at around 18, women beging peaking in their late twenties to mid-thirties. You might want to go and get your testerone checked. Ditto for her, and while she's there she might want to have her tyroid checked.

 

 

 

 

The rate of divorce for men that father children out of wedlock ~

90%; the divorce rate for men that get married under the age of 25 ~ 90%; the divorce rate for couples who experience the death of a child? 90 %

 

 

 

"All work and no play makess Jack a dull boy!" Factoring in comute time, working 70 hours a week, and eight hours sleep? That leaves you approximately 3-1/2 a day hours to spend time with the wife and son, shave, shower, eat, do chores, run errands, pay bills,

 

 

 

As do most men.

 

.

 

Women's minds are wired differently than men's such so that they don't seem to us to be thinking rationally. Its not that, its just men's and women's minds are wired differently.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Only you truly can answer that question.

 

 

 

Were it me, and you were my Son? I would advise you to get to 'steppin'!

 

 

 

 

Oh and here is the very best advise i could ever offer someone.....

Listen and take to heart what gunny tells you. Hes not exactly smooth as silk in his delivery but hes one wise SOB.

I have mad respect for Him!

[Gunny376]

Oh and here is the very best advise i could ever offer someone.....

Listen and take to heart what gunny tells you. Hes not exactly smooth as silk in his delivery but hes one wise SOB.

I have mad respect for Him!

 

That's "gunny" with a "G" drop and give me fifty push-ups! Show some proper respect ~ I earned the title!

 

An old poster, "LadyJane" took a long while to understand that "love" to her husband meant fixing him something to eat?

 

LadyJane wasn't a welterweight, she was strong, independent, etc. He was completely capable of fixing his own meals, but in his mind? Having her fix a meal for him ~ even a sandwich equated to her showing her love to him?

 

Sex means different things to different people and when it comes to men and women they seldom mean the same thing.

 

Recommended reading "The Five Languages of Love"

[Gunny376]

And less I confuse you Alan430 ~ you only have to do 25 push ups! Just make sure they're four count MARINE CORPS PUSH-UPS!

 

Just "funnin'" with ya!

[confusedohioguy]

Everything you all told me is pretty much what I expected to hear. Not so much what I wanted to hear, but what I expected. I am going today to make a final decision on a nice condo/apartment that's just in town from my wife and son, only about 15 minutes apart. I'm going with a 6 month lease and that's the amount of time we're giving it to know what we both want. We both have no expectations. We're not for or against being together or splitting. We want to see what our natural feelings are, see if we can get that loving feeling back for each other. If not, so be it, we're better off happy apart than miserable together, especially for our son's sake. Thank you all for everything you've said, I can honestly say that I've read everything 2 and 3 times and really looked into what you might have meant by it and taken it to heart. Feel free to keep your opinions coming. Again, thanks.

[whichwayisup]

I find it really odd that she would want to separate without even trying to go to marriage counselling. To me, separating and her giving you the "I love you but I'm not inlove with you" line is more of "I want to see what else is out there." Or "There's someone I think I want to be with".

 

You know your wife, so is it possible she's met someone else? Or is it possible she's overwhelmed being a mom, a wife and isn't working, she's lost who "she" is as a person?

 

You two need a sitter or drop the kid off at the grandparents house so you two can reconnect again, go out on dates. Bring her flowers, make her feel loved and special. Though it goes both ways, she has to put in effort too..

 

The little things DO count and go a long way.

[confusedohioguy]

We are both seeking individual counseling and hopefully marriage counseling if we can get our own issued worked out. We're polar opposites. I'm in my own place now and it's not so great. Being alone really makes you question who you are and if you're strong enough to do it. I would love to just move back home and say we're fixed, but so is not the case. I want to give this everything we've got by way of being apart and working on ourselves then as a couple. And, no, I don't think she's interested in anyone else. She's as loyal as they come. I know you've heard it before, but I really do know that about her. She would never do that.

[pelicanpreacher]

You spend quite a bit of time away from home so the opportunity to have her head turned seems very high. Even if she hasn't physically cheated on you the statement that she doesn't think she could ever have sex with you again is a tell indicating that her loyalties may have been realigned in favor of another. Using your own perception of her loyalty it should be easy to see that if she is a one woman man then she may feel guilty of cheating on her lover if she has sex with you. Her complaints about your demands for sex are nothing more than a smokescreen to gaslight your perception of yourself and marriage to rewrite the marital history, dampen your ardor for her, and bolster her argument to divorce and rape you of all that you own while looking like the poor victim forced to escape you, the evil villian. The fact that she's so adamant in her disinterest toward marriage counseling while still asking you to hold off on making any permanent decisions allows her to buy enough time to truly determine whether her affair relationship has any real merit and possibility to sustain itself in the future so don't fall for that line under any circumstances.

 

You are walking the same path Gunny did so it might be wise to research his thread(s) for I see a lot of parallels between your stories. At the very least you need to have her activities investigated while you are toiling away at the grindstone for when the cat's away the mice will play!

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I would could totally agree with the OP's position if there was no child involved. However, since you have a son together, I think that finding a home of your own is likely pre-mature at this stage. Your ultimate goal, should unequivocally be to make things work with your wife and keep your family together.

 

The one thing I missed is if you are currently renting a place together with your wife (or if you own the home you are currently in). If you do rent now, then buying a larger home for you to be on your own, could be a good lead in for her and your son to eventually move into the home with you, once all of the issues are addressed and out in the open via IC & MC.

 

Do not let the thought of being free and/or single be your guide. Follow the part of you that reminds you how important your wife and son are to you. You need to give it every shot you can to make it work - don't run and hide - face the tough stuff head on.

 

Imagine if, 25 years from now, your son was in the position you are in today - would you advise him to move out? Probably hard to imagine since he is only 2. But the first thing that should be on his mind is making things work. Of course this is in no way an opportunity for her to step all over him either. There is a fine balance in making things work and finding marital satisfaction...

 

Best of luck to you and your family.

[confusedohioguy]

We actually own the home we're living in. We just built it 3 years ago on a 5 acre wooded lot. It's everything we ever wanted and more. And, yes, I know how important my wife and son are to me. Trust me, I'm reminded every time she comes to pick him up from my apartment just how much I miss him... and her. I don't know what to say to her so I just let her drive away. I want to talk to her, but I don't think she's interested in talking about our situation right now. I think she feels like I just up and left, which is not the case. We discussed the separation and I acted on it. And I don't recall saying that she's against counseling. We're both for it. It's the only way we can make this thing work. As for her having feelings for someone else... I believe in my heart that she has feelings only for me. Maybe not strong feelings, but I think I'm the only man in her life. Where we live, a small town, her family is well known because her dad owns a big construction company. He's very wealthy and people in this town like to pass on any dirt they hear. I would've heard something by now, especially if it involved my wife. I still love her very much and I miss her, but what do I do? I've got 25 weeks left on my lease. Guess that's a lot of time to do some self discovery. I'm determined to be the best man I can be, plain and simple. Eating right, getting back in shape, taking care of myself the way I used to before I met her and got in the "comfortable" zone. I kinda let myself go. I want to be attractive in her eyes again. I want to be the man she can't stand to let go. One of the hardest parts of this whole thing is that I hate HATE hate being alone. I have an hour to an hour and a half drive to work every single day, then I usually work 10-12 hours, and another drive home. My average day last year was just over 12 hours a day, plus my 2-3 hours of drive time. I'm alone for the drive, and by time I get home it's somewhere between 8 or 9 at night and I've got to shower as soon as I get home because I'm usually filthy, and by then she's ready for bed and I'm dead tired. During my work season, it's like we're only married on the weekends. I can see where she feels like a single mother. I feel guilty because I don't see my son that much when I'm working, except on the weekends. Now I see him everyday, he stays with me every other night, but when I start back to work in 2 weeks, he can only stay with me on the weekends, and that kills me already.

[Gunny376]

Your in need of education how this dating/mating thing really works. I, you and most every man on the planet aren't taught nor do with have the necessary skills set to make a long term relationship work.

 

You've got twenty six weeks to get you back to square one, and and moved forward.

 

Yes the first thing you need to do is work on your attitude, perspective, knowledge and skill set. And since 26 weeks really isn't a lot of time? To get to the quick, down and dirty I would suggest you Google Carlos Xuma's e-book, "Black Book Dating" and read it cover to cover 5X's (human retention at its max is about 20% ~ thus 20% X 5 = 100%)

 

And yes Carlos is a PUA ~ Pick-up-artist, and I've read a lot of his material and as well that of others, but for the best bang for the buck I would say his was the best.

 

He covers a lot of ground, but he covers everything from how to dress, make yourself attractive, to how to handle an argument with a woman, (defuse it with humor) the differences between men and women's communication techniques. How to respond to "test" questions such as "Am I getting fat?" and why women ask the question to begin with.

 

You should also get a e-book called "Secrets of the Alpha-Man" which really deals with more about regaining your "center" as a man, an individual. I mean for real, you've got to get out of this "negative" thinking mentality if you've got a snowballs chance in Hell with the STBXW or any woman!

 

Meanwhile to hold you over?

 

The one who cares the least control the relationship!

 

You're better off alone than with the wrong woman!

 

Truth is ALL that matters in the end

 

Work on your own life. Not hers!

 

Stay out of her head!

 

LISTEN! Pay attention to what's she's telling you! A woman given time will tell you everything that you need to know about her, her wants, her needs, her hopes, her dreams ~ if you will just have patience and truly listen without trying to use your "man-logic" to solve her problems! You want to become a "duty-expert?" Than become one on fixing cars, engines, the damned lawn mower ~ any and everything but her life!

 

Be PATIENT!

 

Slow down in your interactions with her, verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically. Women aren't as fast as men! They don't move as fast, act as fast, decide as fast. What I mean by that? Is that men tend to act in and deal with bi-polar logic, either something is or it isn't, yes or no, black or white. That is they reason their way through life? Women? Feel their way through life which to men is illogical.

 

Case in point? Sex!

 

Women have sex with men that they love

Men love women they have sex with

 

Or to put it another way?

 

Why men don't get enough sex, and women don't get enough Love! (There's a book by that same title BTW)

 

Completely let her GO! Less is more! If she has the interest level? She'll be back, and on your terms. Its the only way. The more you pursue her? The faster she will run away!

 

NEVER forget that you were born without her! And that there are hundreds more like her and thousands more that are even BETTER than her. Whatever she's got to offer, you can find just as much of if not more, just as good if not better!

 

Keep your emotional distance, or you give her the power to manipulate you and play you like a guitar. Stay in the Safe Zone!

 

If your not in control of your emotions? Your emotions are in control of your!

 

Don't let her manipulate your behavior. How you respond and act is in your control!

 

Don't push! ~ Lead! Its a dance!

 

Never ask her for anything! Instead suggestively entice and let her give to you. If she doesn't give it willingly? She may not have it to give.

 

Forget what you WANT! There is only what is! Accept it and make it work for you!

 

All unhappiness stems from the desire for things to be different that the way they are!

 

There's the way things are ~ and the way things are suppose to be ~ somewhere in between? Is a little something I call reality!

 

Do what's right for you! Because no one else will!

 

Be mysterious. Be in demand, be aloof, be attentive, be enigmatic. When she's guessing you're safe (can trust you with her feelings, emotions) ~ you're safe! When she thinks your safe ~ you're dead!

 

You have the supply ~ she has the demand! Make her an offer she can't refuse nor can find anywhere else!

 

Do not! I repeat DO NOT reverse-engineer your thinking, nor get too caught up in the paralysis of analysis trap! (Which BTW you are so caught up in right now ~ bet your not sleeping well huh!)

 

Her level of interest and attraction is what needs to be increasing!

 

Be mysterious by under-staying your welcome!

 

If you can't change it? You shouldn't be thinking about it, unless your deciding to do something about it!

 

Treat them like you don't like them, and make them work for your approval.

 

This one is very important! Women only care about how you make them feel!

 

Regain your power and authority over you!

 

Make no assumptions nor guesses about her world!

 

Relax! Unclench your fists and don't guess what's going on in her world! Keep you focus local!

 

Only her actions and not her words show how she really feels about you!

 

If your thinking about what she's thinking? You've lost control of yourself ~ get it back!

 

Women's logic is not your logic as a man! Don't try and figure her thinking out ~ you will go mad!

 

In the end? Worse case? In forty or fifty years down the road? Most women end up looking about the same, so you may as well have a good woman who will treat you right and make you happy!

[confusedohioguy]

nuff said my man

[confusedohioguy]

Unfortunately the wife and I are leaning towards divorce. We've discussed the financials and everything is agreeable. She doesn't want alimony, thank God, and I offered her $200 a week for "child support." I hate that term, but oh well. Did I offer too much? If so, is it horribly wrong of me to offer less? Basically, with my current rent and the money I'll pay her, that's a whopping $1,600! That's already 25% of my monthly income. I hate to offer less because I feel like people will think that I think my son isn't worth it to me. I know these are probably crazy feelings, but I just don't know what to do. Any input will be much appreciated. Thanks.