OneFootOut Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Ok, husband moved out Feb 23rd. We're very peaceful and friendly about the whole ordeal, and we've decided to divorce because he is unwilling to work on his issues, and I am unwilling to keep living as if I am already 'dead'. So what's the problem? He comes over every single day and spends hours just lingering here. Yes, he plays with the kids, but he also tends to follow me from room to room if I try to carry on my day. He's making no effort to "get back" with me, he's not said anything beyond generic chit chat about the kids or weather. He's not made any effort to fix himself or us as he had sworn to do so often over the last few weeks. He came over yet again today, unannounced, and walked right in as if he still lived here. I was getting a few things ready to mail so I had to step into my bedroom where my computer is to print labels. He followed me in and nosed about in a subtle but obvious way. He saw a male name on one of the packages "That one of your online friends?". Hmm well, it's someone I have communicated with who purchased a piece of work from me! He noses through papers laying around and usually gets to the mailbox before I do. I'm not involved with anyone and don't want to be. I have nothing to hide, but his behavior is just getting on my last nerve. Anytime I need to step in here to get online - email, get a number, print a label.. or just get away from him and the kids, he ends up stalking in behind me and standing over my shoulder. It's very annoying. He also gets the kids upset because he is more concerned about what I am up to than paying attention to them, so they start whining and carrying on and when he's had enough of it, he leaves. He chose to leave me. He chose divorce as the easy road. He chose to move out of this house into his own. He still walks right in every day, or whenever he feels like it. I don't walk into his house, I knock. I don't assume I can pop in whenever I please, I ask if its ok to stop by. This is driving me bonkers. How am I supposed to reclaim my own life with him still here everyday as if nothing has changed?? I don't want there to be any anger or tension between us, I want to maintain the friendship we have, but I want and need some space and privacy of my own. This is my house now. I pay the rent, and I am the one on the lease. He still has access to all of my accounts and I have no access to his. I don't want it, I'm just saying he should get out of my business, since he chose to walk away. How do I make my life my own in the most tactful and peaceful way? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 If you don't want him around with the kids... and "bugging" you, change the locks on the doors and tell him he needs to let you know before he comes over. Be prepared for the consequences. I doubt he'll continue paying the mortgage. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 If you don't want him around with the kids... and "bugging" you, change the locks on the doors and tell him he needs to let you know before he comes over. Be prepared for the consequences. I doubt he'll continue paying the mortgage. Hmmm... Lakeside, he was the one who asked for a divorce, he was the one who moved out. She is paying the rent there. Link to post Share on other sites
suzanne2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 I am having a hard enough time getting myself into a routine without having him in my face every day. I cannot even imagine what you must be going through. I have to agree with lakeside, you need to change the locks and make him have to tell you when he is coming over. Also, you may have to stipulate that he not come into the house when he drops off the kids. I know that you want to keep this as friendly as possible, but sometimes you have to be a little forceful with things in order for you to keep your sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Did he leave you for Another woman?? because something doesnt feel right, did he leave to find himself? I mean what was the cause of the seperation? Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 This might be a trick while you are still married. Can you not just tell him to beat it. The worst case is to get a RO on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OneFootOut Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 If you don't want him around with the kids... and "bugging" you, change the locks on the doors and tell him he needs to let you know before he comes over. Be prepared for the consequences. I doubt he'll continue paying the mortgage. I don't know what this response is about. I do want him to continue to be around the kids, they need him as much as they do me. It's just his nosing about, being on my heels, and being here so long every single day that drives me insane. That, and his acting like this is still his home as well even though he chose to move out of it. For the record, I have been paying the rent here for over 10 years, not him. I am having a hard enough time getting myself into a routine without having him in my face every day. I cannot even imagine what you must be going through. I have to agree with lakeside, you need to change the locks and make him have to tell you when he is coming over. Also, you may have to stipulate that he not come into the house when he drops off the kids. I know that you want to keep this as friendly as possible, but sometimes you have to be a little forceful with things in order for you to keep your sanity. That's exactly what my issue is, I am TRYING to get my own life on track, but it seems like he is here more now that he was before he left! He comes here to play with the kids, and only takes them to his place on the weekend when he doesn't have to work. I don't mind him being here for the kids, I just need him to be here for THEM and to leave me alone to get on with my day. I'm trying to find a way to get that across without rocking our peaceful boat. I guess changing the locks would sure drive the point home, I'm just not sure this is the right time to do that, we're only a few weeks into being apart. Did he leave you for Another woman?? because something doesnt feel right, did he leave to find himself? I mean what was the cause of the seperation? There are no "others" in our situation. He left because he wanted to work on fixing his issues (that killed our marriage), but when he got out on his own, he decided he didn't want to fix them, or wasn't ready to, so we've decided to divorce. I'm actually relieved that we are because its been a heck of a struggle the last several years. I guess you would need to read up on the history of this to get a clear view. But then again, even with documenting everything here, I'm still trying to understand it all myself This might be a trick while you are still married. Can you not just tell him to beat it. The worst case is to get a RO on him. A trick for what? No, I can't tell him to just beat it because we have kids that need him and adore him. We shared 12 years together, and we're still friends. I've been thinking since I posted this that I guess it is just too soon to expect big changes. I am so ready for changes, space of my own, and to get on with my life. I guess he is having a harder time moving on than he thought he would. Maybe he will tire himself out in a couple more weeks if I can keep my sanity that long! Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Whenever I've been in a shared living situation that ends, I change the locks as a precaution and I think in your situation that's what I'd do first, I would also change all passwords to your online email,credit card and banking accounts. You'll need to be straight with him but that needn't be rude or ugly... Just tell him as a woman living alone with children that the prospect of hearing footsteps on the stairs while you're sleeping,bathing or dressing is frightening and unnerving. Same goes for your online accounts. Having your passwords known and out there leaves you open for all manner of unsavory things. You having privacy in the home that he chose to leave does not mean that he cannot have regular,liberal access to his children but that doesn't mean he should have the right to drop over anytime he likes, let himself in and disrupt your privacy. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 A trick for what? No, I can't tell him to just beat it because we have kids that need him and adore him. Legally you are still married. I suspect that while this is so you can't lock him out. Tell me what you want - isolation or restoration. Make your mind up. Do not tell us, tell him. If divorce is on the cards, you may have to become business associates especially if he were to find another partner. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Your problem is not at all uncommon among seperated and/or divorced families. The two of you are fairly amicable so thats wonderful. Of course , you want him and your children to know that they still have full access to each other. The tricky part here is...while he can visit the children the liberally - you are not obligated to be part of those visits. When you divorce , some visitation guide lines will be part of that - even among parents who are amicable. You need them. You should begin by his taking the kids out or to his place, for at least part of the visits. Sadly - things have changed. He doesnt live there. Both he and the children will adjust to this - but you first have to make the change. He wanted out, he wants a divorce. Fine, no need to continue holding it against him. Him no longer having access to your life, your home , is not punishing him - it just part of the change. He probably feels a bit lost which is totally understandable. His freely coming and going without notice is not doing him or you any good. And the kids need to get used to his not living there. Time for the next step. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 OP, IMO, he's probably an avoider. He wants out but doesn't take affirmative steps. You'll have to do this. I'd consult a lawyer prior to making any financial changes of consequence, like closing accounts, removing names from insurance/retirement/etc. No problem changing the locks. Reprogram the garage door opener too. He can visit the kids at his house. Sounds like a nice setup Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts