She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 We have been together 16 years and we had a relatively happy weekend for Valentine's Day that I had personally planned several weeks ago. I had made fancy dinner reservations, followed by a night away from our 5 kids, for just the two of us. I took the time to get her a very thoughtful gift and also a gift of love that took time to make (100 reasons why I love her, each attached to a Hershey kiss, packaged up and labeled as a prescription for love). Long story short we had a relatively happy weekend, with no disagreements or conflicts. Bt at the end of the weekend, there was definitely something missing. The passion and excitement was lacking. The sex was blah (I can recall her rating our sex life a 9 on a scale of one to ten just a year ago). At the end of the conflict free weekend that I had worked so hard on, I felt that our marriage was flatlined. It was odd to feel like this marriage is going nowhere after there was no recent argument or conflict. When I feel like I want out of the marriage and I am obviously hurt or upset, I can often realize that I need some time to get over this, I will come back to my senses once I over the hurt or upset. But this time there was no obvious hurt or upset other than our conversation at dinner was a little forced, and our intimacy seemed almost like and obligation of hers as opposed to a desire. I talked to her about it and she felt the same. then of course the ball buster line, "I'm not in love with you." She did say however, that she wants to be in love with me and wants to try... I slammed some doors and left the house for a few hours. She finally called almost 3 hours later (usually she calls a few minutes after I leave) and I returned home. Nothing was solved, just more conversation and communication resulting in more frustration. So I return to work on Monday. I sat away from her and stewed. I thought and thought. I read threads here at Loveshack (been lurking here for months). I had a previous client who is one of the most respected (read most expensive!) divorce attorney's in the next county away from mine. I visited his firms website, and read all about his history and success' etc. I decided in my mind to just end the misery for once and for all (or so I thought). So I registered here and created a screen name. Before I got around to posting my story, I read Spineman696's post, and as I was typing the response: ...That does not mean it is completely over (though it may be). The only way to know for sure is to come clean to your wife and try to see if it is worth salvaging... I realized I had so much more at stake than just my happiness and desire to share passion and excitement and being happy. ...You need to earn the right to walk away from your marriage by seeking professional help and working through whatever the issues may be... I realized I needed to head my own advice. I realized this is a life changing decision for 7 lives - not just one! I realized that there is no way I am going to down without (figuratively) screaming and kicking to save and try and revitalize that flatlined marital heartbeat. I came to the realization that there is much more to life and marriage than just saying, I did everything right and it was not an exciting weekend... it's over. Funny thing is. My wife went through similar processes in her mind. Though I came home from work, went to the gym, and arrived home late at night, she was smiling and loving. We had a calm evening and proceeded to the bedroom to retire. She had already slipped under the covers and was wearing the negligee she had bought for Valentines Day that never got unpacked! I was ready to turn in for the night and she surprised me with the passion and excitement that was missing just a couple of night before. Wow! She is the sunshine in my life. Though sometimes lingering clouds can block that sunshine, it's always there, just hidden. I am definitely up high on the roller coaster of my marriage right now. But lets see how things go. I am bound and determined to make things work. I will do the thing needed for her to fall back in love with me. Hopefully it will work. I intend to use this tread as a journal of sorts. I am guessing there will be times I am not quite as positive as I am today. But in the long run I think that things will go positively and work themselves out… Link to post Share on other sites
Author She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 'Jewel' is on the XM radio here at work: "you took your coat off and stood in the rain, you're always crazy like that..." 'Foolish Games' is the title of that tune... my wife could dedicate that to me, just the same as I could dedicate that to her. Time to leave behind the foolish games! Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 I think most marriages, people fall in and out of love. It's not easy being married. Best of luck, man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 Best of luck, man. Thank You! I agree on both points... people definitely fall in and out of love, and it's not easy being married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 6, 2009 Author Share Posted March 6, 2009 Marriage is such an odd relationship. There is no other relationship like it in life. It almost appears to me sometimes, that she can, singlehandedly, lift me up to the top of a mountain, standing tall; and just as easily, she can drop me down deep into the trenches of fear and insecurity... Long story short - the last two weeks have had a lot of ups and downs! There were a couple of occasions I almost wrote about the negatives here. But the bottom lines is that those passed fairly quickly with just a little patience on my part. Things are relatively good now. One thing that really got my attention and has had the gears turning in my mind since yesterday is her analysis of my motivations for taking a certain stance during our arguments Often in an argument I come across as not caring about her, our marriage, or the long term health of our relationship. As if I don't need her, she needs me, etc, etc. Well, she thought about it and analyzed that I am just testing her. I am insecure, and I am just trying to determine her reaction to my stance. It really hit me when she explained it to me. I would have never realized it on my own, but my own insecurities are causing me to act a certain way whenever there is significant discord or disagreement in our marriage. It is very interesting, because, as I think about it now, it makes total sense. I want her to know I can leave, and I have the power and she needs me more than I need her. But it's all just a test to see how she will react. Had things continued this way, till finally says she's done trying and that she's giving up and wants a divorce, I would have accomplished exactly the opposite of what I really want, and given her all the reasons in the world to decide to end it. I am glad that she was able to allow me to see that. So, I have to change the lens I am viewing our relationship from. I know that I should support and love her if that is what I want and expect in return. As this occurs more and more, the insecurities I harbor will naturally shrink more and more also... Link to post Share on other sites
lostsoulmate Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Well, she thought about it and analyzed that I am just testing her. I am insecure, and I am just trying to determine her reaction to my stance. It really hit me when she explained it to me. I would have never realized it on my own, but my own insecurities are causing me to act a certain way whenever there is significant discord or disagreement in our marriage. It is very interesting, because, as I think about it now, it makes total sense. I want her to know I can leave, and I have the power and she needs me more than I need her. But it's all just a test to see how she will react. Had things continued this way, till finally says she's done trying and that she's giving up and wants a divorce, I would have accomplished exactly the opposite of what I really want, and given her all the reasons in the world to decide to end it. I am glad that she was able to allow me to see that. So, I have to change the lens I am viewing our relationship from. I know that I should support and love her if that is what I want and expect in return. As this occurs more and more, the insecurities I harbor will naturally shrink more and more also... What exactly did she say? I have been trying to get my SO to understand something to this effect. He'll make me feel two feet tall, and then says things when we are fighting like, "I am no good for you. You should be with someone else. Why are with me anyway?" Is that what you did? I feel like he is trying to push me away and it is working. Link to post Share on other sites
Author She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 6, 2009 Author Share Posted March 6, 2009 What exactly did she say? I have been trying to get my SO to understand something to this effect. He'll make me feel two feet tall, and then says things when we are fighting like, "I am no good for you. You should be with someone else. Why are with me anyway?" Is that what you did? I feel like he is trying to push me away and it is working. This is not the chemistry and actions that I was referring to above (though we have had our share of those moments in 15 years and on both sides, believe me). What I was referring to earlier was that during an argument my wife said to me "do you want me to worry that you are going to leave me?" And my response was simply "Yes!" Then there was much more arguing and eventually me admitting I was playing games when I responded with the "Yes!" During all of the conversation I admitted I am insecure about her long term commitment to the marriage, and her long terms plans to stay or not... She simply stated after some time had passed that she had given it significant thought, she formed an opinion that I was testing her to see what her reaction is, and I am attempting to confirm if she is fully committed to me and our marriage. I gave it a some thought and quickly realized, she is right (at least to a point)! I had not realized it until she brought it to my attention. As far as your situation, it seems to be quite different., I have been following your thread about the "point of no return." There are many tough mountains you will need to conquer in the near future. I know you've heard it a million times already, but I want to simply say this. If my wife were to leave me, I would be devastated. On a scale of one to 10, one being not hurt at all, and 10 being the deepest pain one human being could inflict on one another (emotionally). I would be a 6-7 if my wife left me, probably a 8-9 if it was for another man. If she left our children (even for just a few months to get her life straightened out), I would be at a 10, or even an 11, as my heart would hurt for our children more than for my own suffering. Please think carefully if there is another way to handle this situation. I know in the end you will make your decision and you will have to live with it... best wishes for you and your family. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Sometimes you have to get out of the trenches to win the war. I'm suggesting you take a step back from you and her and focus on yourself. You now can see yourself more clearly. Now you have to take action to address change, for the positive. Also your spouse has to do the same thing and that's nearly impossible to accomplish when you both are so focused on rebuilding your marriage and love. Sometimes you just have to take a step back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 6, 2009 Author Share Posted March 6, 2009 I'm suggesting you take a step back from you and her and focus on yourself. TIY, I often find your posts in all of the threads to be very thought provoking... I agree that I need to focus on myself. Thank you for the gentle reminder. Link to post Share on other sites
Dad_of_3 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 What alot of people fail to remember and I have been guilty of it myself is that well ... The work is not the day of the marriage. Its the blood, sweat, tears, arguements and bickering after. The work began and probably will never finish if you decide to stay together. I'm glad in your above post you've recognised this. I truly applaud you. Not only this little gem, but you understand the impact it could potnetially have on your children as well. My best wishes to you and finding your 'way' Link to post Share on other sites
Author She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Reading your post Dadof3, put a smile on my face... Thanks for the encouragement! Well, when I mentioned to her yesterday that she told me that "she was not in love with me" the day after valentine's day... She's always been in love with me. She claims she should have never said that.. go figure! Oddly enough she asked me later in the day if I think she might be creating drama in our lives because it is kind of boring! It's amazing the challenges we face as a couple (and individually). Just keep the focus on the long term improvement of our life together... Link to post Share on other sites
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