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saying divorce as a new wife


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Hi there...I was married last October- about to be separated and divorced. My husband is a Marine- not very good at showing affection or expressing emotion- seeing anger management counselor right now.

 

Long story short- I am hoping that someone might be able to offer a little perspective- I can never get too much perspective :)

 

We had a really stressful year last year- our first year living together- full of deployment, desperate job searches on my part, a DUI (on his part), moving, buying a house, etc. I was completely in love with him and told him often- very supportive- took him to work when he lost his license- always supported him in decisions, etc. ADORED him.

 

I did, however, try to explain to him that I needed more as far as him paying attention to detail and doing little things to show me he loved me- expressing himself more to me, etc.

 

We had a bad series of holidays and when Christmas came we were supposed to go to his parents house for a few days- his sister called and we spoke- she said something about him being selfish- when I came home and tried to talk to him about it he became quite defensive and it all went down hill from there- I said I didn't want to go anymore- he punched a few holes in the wall- I said divorce many times and got REALLY angry and he left...for 12 days.

 

I went to a marriage counselor after he left and the counselor instructed me to give him 3 days (72 hours) and if he didn't come back then he wasn't committed to the relationship- he came back 12 days later, after skiing in Colorado with his sisters. His family, I am quite certain has played a really negative role in this as well (not that he's not a big boy). His mom hung up on me when I called there (he excused as an accident after not believing it!) and his sister has said some HORRIBLE things about me- including claiming I am a "broken woman" who needs years of counsel and that I am probably "trying to get pregnant to keep him" and that "he needs to be running to a divorce lawyer and not a marriage counselor".

 

I know that I got too angry- always thought that I needed to fix stuff here and now- but since have really learned to walk away for a bit and calm down. I have grown a great deal from this experience and working with the counselor.

 

But was saying "divorce" and getting too angry really something that unforgivable? If every other day I am telling him how thankful I am to have him in my life and how much I love him. To me, his not doing anything for Xmas and getting defensive was showing me that he didn't care and I was REALLY hurt.

 

Thanks for reading

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LucreziaBorgia

Get out immediately, move as far away as you can, and never ever look back. Seriously. Things like this do not get better. They only get far worse.

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thanks - any thoughts behind that? what indicators do you think? my marriage counselor really advised me to stop too and I know it too...moving tomorrow actually :)

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The relationship sounds toxic to me and it sounds like he has some real anger issues.

 

He punched a wall???

 

Do you think he could ever miss the wall and hit you?

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yeah- thats what my marriage counselor asked about- he's never been physical with me- and he definitely does have anger issues- gets really frustrated and angry quickly- and he has a sometimes unhealthy relationship with alcohol....

 

it feels toxic- I think this was his first big relationship and maybe he just has a lot of growing up to do- as well as me in a relationship- I think I let frustration get the better of me....

 

I've learned a lot- but the bottom line for me too was that I feel like he really did throw me under the bus with his family- never seemed (although he said he did) to stick up for me when they were on the attack- when I was his wife. I always stuck up for him- maybe commented on how jerky I thought his behavior is- but never tore him apart or agreed with another person who did....

 

I don't think I would have ever trusted him after that- so what's the point?

 

Thanks!! I really appreciate the folks on this forum :) Sending many good thoughts for 2009 for all of us!

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My husband has anger issues too, so I can relate. It's like the smallest thing will set him off and you can see - he turns into a completely different person and he is scary when he gets like that.

 

My husband also does the same thing with throwing me under the bus w/his family. I think it's because it's REALLY REALLY hard for them to admit they have anger issues. My husband is telling everyone I have post partum depression.

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man, you are like my sister in all of this....he and his sister contrived this "bipolar/severely broken theory" about me....how long have you been married, if you don't mind my asking? How have you done it? I am leaving- but am still pretty annoyed at his family for supporting him in such a weird and manipulative way....

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I've been married for 4 1/2 years. With him for 8.

 

We have two very young sons.

 

His family is just WHACKED. Like seriously, there are a lot of issues there.

 

I finally just got to the point where I could. not. take. anymore. I was walking on eggshells in my own home, he was yelling at me over the most ridiculous things (like asking him to sit with the boys for 5 mins so I could change my clothes and take them to the emergency pediatrician - they both had RSV). I was crying and frustrated all the time. I just realized that is NOT who I want to be for my kids. I want them to know their mother is strong and someone they can lean on. Not someone who can be reduced to an emotional puddle.

 

I just laugh when his family indicates I have PPD now. It's so ridiculous, I won't even justify it with a response.

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In my twenty in the Marines I've seen this type more than a couple of times. Acting like idiots.

 

The most exterme cases?

 

Marine Captain came home, wife said she was stressed out, he went berserkoid and pulled out his personal .45 caliber pistol and started plugging holes in the wall. "Stress! Stress! I'll show you stress!

 

Another time, a Marine Gunny lost it and started throwing office furniture out the second floor office window.

 

Worse case? Another Marine Gunny slit his infant baby daughter's throat when he found the wife was having an affair.

 

My advice? Get out as in yesterday!

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Laurie1027

 

do not wait to become a statistic,

 

get out as fast as you can,

 

this is toxic,

 

end it as soon as possible from a distance,

 

this will be best for all concerned,

 

g...

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If an individual had anger management problems before joining the Marines, he will have them while in and after the Marines. Unless of course he gets anger management treatment.

 

The day-to-day stress and demands of being a Marine, that if an individual has anger management issues it will only serve to manifest them and make them worse.

 

Most Marines are not like this any more than the general population. The Marines constantly culls out the mental, emotional, physical and pschological weak from day one. Matters not if if its your first week in book camp, (half of a platoon of 70 pick-up recruits are culled to a manageable 35 within two week period) They are either re-cycled to one of the various other platoons, (Medical conditioning platoon, physical conditioning platoon, back in training to another working platoon)

 

Within the first year of having signed their enlistment contract, half of all enlisted enlistees have been discharged for one reason or the other, (medical, psych, hardship discharge, failure to adapt to military life, criminal, failure to meet physical requirements.

 

The day-to-day stress in some commands is un-believable. At age 28 I use to lay in bed at night with chest pains. One morning I woke with a knot on my forehead about half the size a of golf ball. Doc said it was simply stress, and I should learn how to relax.

 

The rating system for Sgts/E-5 and above goes as follows:

 

Un-observed

Below Average

Average

Above Average

Excellent

Outstanding

 

There are (or use to be) like eighteen catagories such as loyality, physcial fitness, integrity. Anything below Excellent was a caeer ender ~ eventually. And you'd do well not to get too many excellents over the course of a twenty year career. (No more than five)

 

I should explain about the Gunny that murdered his infant daughter. He was freaking ever-loving drunk out of his mind, (he use to be my "boss") That said he should have died himself from alcohol posioning. He had drank at least if not more than a half gallon of whisky. The other two were discharged for pysch reasons. They had problems before they even joined the Marines. It just took the Corps a little while longer to screen them out ~ and they screen them everyday. One little mis-step and "bam" your under the glass.

 

For instance, I would say the Marines are one of the five branches that fall under the UCMJ that still prosecutes its members for adultry.

 

But the toughest job in the Marine Corps is being a Marines wife.

 

Its not so bad if you get stationed on the West Coast in Ca, Az, but if your get stationed on the East Coast and your a dependent wife in need of a job, you're pretty much are going to be relegated to waiting tables or some other minimum wage job. What jobs there are on base are held by locals who have had them for years and years, and ditto for those jobs out in the "ville" or at least the good ones.

 

Can you say, "Welcome to Walmart?"

 

Overseas? :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

The Marines tried to pass a regulation several years back that you couldn't get married unless you were at least a Corporal or above. I agree with this.

 

But the femi-nazi's in Congress and women's movement groups had a fit about it ~ so it never went through.

 

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: Twenty years in the Marine Corps and the closet I ever came to being killed was by an irate, PO wife of a Marine tried to plunge a pair of sissors into her Marine husband, and I foolishly step in between them, trying to keep the seperated. :mad:

 

Two sticthes just above my heart! :eek:

 

The divorce rate for deploying units is around 70% in many units. If I had my way, we'd go back to doing it the old way back in the 50's and beyond, when if a Marine wanted to get married he had to get married he had to put in a letter and request permission to get married, and it had to go up the chain of command to the Commanding General.

 

You had to prove that you could afford a wife, could support a wife, that she wasn't a damned communist or affliated with such, had known each other a sufficient enough time, been counseled by the Chaplain more than one occassion, etc.

 

Before I retired, I had to bring my problem child Lance Corporal Nero in on the carpet. He wanted to get married to a gal in North Carolina that he was in love with and had known for all of two weeks. I spoke with him for hours and hours, and thought I had him convinved?

 

None the less he married her, and she kicked him out of the house two weeks later.

 

The Marine Corps, (in fact the Dept of Defense doesn't recoginize legal seperation ~ ("either you is married or your ain't") and thus requries its members to support their "legal" dependents with up to 80% of their base pay ill regardless of bills and debts. "Base pay" is 2/3'rds of a Marines pay. So its 80% of that.

 

She no more than kicked him out and he hadn't even moved back into the barracks before she was calling me wanting to know how she was going to get her "allotment check" each month.

 

Of course this went down in North Carolina. A state that says you have to be physically seperated for one solid year before you can file for divorce, and you get back together even for one day ~ re-sets the clock for another year.

 

Yep! You got it! The stupid SOB got back with her, and she paraded him around for two weeks, and had him on the hook for another year! She milked him for a good two years!

 

Turns out that Mama had trained her little girl well.

 

She had married a Navy CPO for ten years and was drawing half his retirement.

 

Then she was married to an Army SFC (Sergeant First Class) and was getting half of his retirement

 

Then she married an Air Force officer for ten years or better and was getting half his retirement.

 

Last I heard she had a Marine Master Gunny Sergeant on the hook! :p

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Laurie 10 27,

 

it's not the fact that he is a Marine,

 

It's not the fact that you are a Marines Wife,

 

it's just that both of you are not what each other need at this time in your lives,

 

as soon as you can, make the change that you both need,

 

you both have to take different paths,

 

he, with his Career in the Marines,

 

you, the World is your Oyster....

 

to continue as is,

 

is dangerous for you both,

 

g....

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