tidalwave Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 i am currently going through a divorce and the court recently granted my wife visitation with our kids. she left us earlier this year and hadn't seen the kids all year until recently. she has them for 6 hours on day per week. she has had the kids twice and although the court has stipulated that she not have them around her boyfriend, she has continued to do so. she takes them to places that we all used to go as a family, and takes them to her mother's with her boyfriend. i never got along with her mother so i never went over there with her. my problem is coping with all of this. she is doing all of the things that we used to do, showing that her new boyfriend gets along with her mother, he puts her coat on for her, cooks for her, does all the cleaning etc. bascially anything i didnt do (i did my share of the cleaning and of course took care of the kids but i cant cook to save my life). i know what they do is not my business and believe me i dont call her and complain or anything, it is just hard to deal with. i dont know how to deal with it seeming like my fault when i know it wasnt. she has cheated repeatedly during our 11 years of being together but now acts as if she never did anything wrong. she has lied, stolen (even was prosectued for it), cheated and now it seems as if all is right with the world because she is without me and that sucks. i do not want her back, but i know how hard i tried with her and how much i did love her at one time and it just hurts a little. i am a tough guy but it does get to me and it is hard to deal with at times. anybody have any advice on this situation at all? i know i should just ignore it, but it is just so hard. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 A hard head makes a soft behind so if you have any video documentation that she is in contempt of court then take action to bring her hard head back into line. They put these rules in place because they don't trust her judgment so if you don't enforce their order they won't trust your judgment either. Move to have her visitations supervised and restricted to locations of your choosing and you will be able to control who she exposes your children to. These are your children and she is the one guilty of traumatizing them through abandonment so she should not be given any leeway to deviate from the court order until the courts deem her fit. She has defined herself by the poor decisions she has made throughout the marriage and, even after divorce, hasn't shown that she can adhere to basic requirements outlined by the courts. The children do not need to be further traumatized or destablized just because she's there mother so do not hesitate to act in their best interests now for in the greater scheme of things you are really all they've got! As far as yourself, have you considered dating or is it too early in your healing for that? Also, I hope this woman is required to pay for child support! Link to post Share on other sites
Focus_On_The_Process Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 anybody have any advice on this situation at all? i know i should just ignore it, but it is just so hard. Hi. Sorry to hear about all your trouble. I'm no angel and so I don't know that my advice is worth much, but for my own $0.02... I don't know that going after her (pursuing court remedies, etc.) is really going to make you feel any better. If you think things are actually dangerous for your kids, then hell yes you need to address that. But if going after her is just a way to exact some revenge and make you feel better... I wouldn't expect it to bring much relief. Might very likely make things worse. However I also don't think that you should ignore it, if "it" is the way that you're feeling. Embrace it, go after it, really pursue it - your feelings that is - and know that you're completely, 100%, we'd-be-worried-about-you-if-you-weren't-feeling-all-this-crap normal. Look into the Kubler-Ross "stages of loss:" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model Whatever your wife's character - she was your wife, and is your kids' mom, and you've suffered a loss. You and they might be better for it in the long run, but it's still a loss, and hard as hell right now, and you should expect to bounce around all those normal, healthy feelings - anger, bargaining, depression, etc.. You can't run from any of this. The sooner you confront and feel and own all these hard feelings, the sooner that you can move past them to something like acceptance. Don't ignore; don't suppress. You're feelings are right, not wrong. You're not alone, either, as this board is ample evidence. Loss sucks. But life will go on and it sounds as if your kids need you more than ever. It helps me, a little, to know what to expect, to know that all these hard feelings are healthy and normal. You can come through this. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tidalwave Posted December 15, 2008 Author Share Posted December 15, 2008 A hard head makes a soft behind so if you have any video documentation that she is in contempt of court then take action to bring her hard head back into line. They put these rules in place because they don't trust her judgment so if you don't enforce their order they won't trust your judgment either. Move to have her visitations supervised and restricted to locations of your choosing and you will be able to control who she exposes your children to. These are your children and she is the one guilty of traumatizing them through abandonment so she should not be given any leeway to deviate from the court order until the courts deem her fit. She has defined herself by the poor decisions she has made throughout the marriage and, even after divorce, hasn't shown that she can adhere to basic requirements outlined by the courts. The children do not need to be further traumatized or destablized just because she's there mother so do not hesitate to act in their best interests now for in the greater scheme of things you are really all they've got! As far as yourself, have you considered dating or is it too early in your healing for that? Also, I hope this woman is required to pay for child support! i am going to my lawyer in the morning. i do date often now so believe me i dont want her back, it just hurts. she is the only one i really ever loved and its just hard. i am all they've got, i just hate the lies and bull that is going on. she doesnt really want them but she is playing a game for everyone and i just look and feel so stupid, thats all. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 She's their mother but the courts wonder where was mom's obligation to be a mom to those children for an entire year? If OP doesn't address this issue and something happens during her visitation while with her boyfriend and the courts find out that OP knew that she was acting in contempt of their order and refused to notify the court officer he's put himself into a jackpot with some explaining to do. He'd do well to speak to his attorney to find out just what recriminations to expect if ever the worst should happen. Hell, she might even inform them of his awareness just to deflect blame and improve her visitation arrangements herself! The courts don't make their decisions without deep consideration regarding the best interests of the children so OP should'nt take their opinions lightly. If everybody just follows the rules then everything will be all right else, pay your money, take your chances, and hope the sword of Damocles never comes down! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tidalwave Posted December 15, 2008 Author Share Posted December 15, 2008 Hi. Sorry to hear about all your trouble. I'm no angel and so I don't know that my advice is worth much, but for my own $0.02... I don't know that going after her (pursuing court remedies, etc.) is really going to make you feel any better. If you think things are actually dangerous for your kids, then hell yes you need to address that. But if going after her is just a way to exact some revenge and make you feel better... I wouldn't expect it to bring much relief. Might very likely make things worse. However I also don't think that you should ignore it, if "it" is the way that you're feeling. Embrace it, go after it, really pursue it - your feelings that is - and know that you're completely, 100%, we'd-be-worried-about-you-if-you-weren't-feeling-all-this-crap normal. Look into the Kubler-Ross "stages of loss:" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model Whatever your wife's character - she was your wife, and is your kids' mom, and you've suffered a loss. You and they might be better for it in the long run, but it's still a loss, and hard as hell right now, and you should expect to bounce around all those normal, healthy feelings - anger, bargaining, depression, etc.. You can't run from any of this. The sooner you confront and feel and own all these hard feelings, the sooner that you can move past them to something like acceptance. Don't ignore; don't suppress. You're feelings are right, not wrong. You're not alone, either, as this board is ample evidence. Loss sucks. But life will go on and it sounds as if your kids need you more than ever. It helps me, a little, to know what to expect, to know that all these hard feelings are healthy and normal. You can come through this. Best wishes. its not revenge. there is a court order and she is violating it. if i violated it by not letter her see them i would be wrong, so why is it okay for her to violate the order in any way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tidalwave Posted December 15, 2008 Author Share Posted December 15, 2008 She's their mother but the courts wonder where was mom's obligation to be a mom to those children for an entire year? If OP doesn't address this issue and something happens during her visitation while with her boyfriend and the courts find out that OP knew that she was acting in contempt of their order and refused to notify the court officer he's put himself into a jackpot with some explaining to do. He'd do well to speak to his attorney to find out just what recriminations to expect if ever the worst should happen. Hell, she might even inform them of his awareness just to deflect blame and improve her visitation arrangements herself! The courts don't make their decisions without deep consideration regarding the best interests of the children so OP should'nt take their opinions lightly. If everybody just follows the rules then everything will be all right else, pay your money, take your chances, and hope the sword of Damocles never comes down! she hasnt paid the support i am due either. she just does what she wants and it seems like they dont care!!! she has made outrageous claims against me in court even though i have taken care of her kids for a year while she has been off pretending to be someone else. its not fair but i am trying to just deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Outrageous claims are exactly what I suspected. Continued devious manipulation should be what you shoud be expecting! Collect your video evidence and report your findings to your attorney and let him/her handle things from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Agreed, whining and ranting about it will change nothing. You have to take action. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tidalwave Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 Agreed, whining and ranting about it will change nothing. You have to take action. You are exactly right. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 well if she was a man and didn't pay support their azz would be in jail.time to "remimd" her of late payments or time to see the judge.she's going to get away with as much as you let her! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tidalwave Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 well if she was a man and didn't pay support their azz would be in jail.time to "remimd" her of late payments or time to see the judge.she's going to get away with as much as you let her! u are absolutely right. thats why this situation bugs me so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Have you contacted your attorney and informed him of her violations of the court agreements? Asked him what can be done to enforce them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tidalwave Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 Have you contacted your attorney and informed him of her violations of the court agreements? Asked him what can be done to enforce them? i have contacted my lawyer, he has been busy. i am still trying to talk to him. he had said something about a 'show cause' order but we dont go back to court until jan. 8 so i might have to wait until then. this is really sad. she doesnt want these kids and she is doing whatever she can not to have them. just sad. Link to post Share on other sites
ReeWoo Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 Look at it this way, "It's not personal, it's just business." She's messing with your family and in violation of a court order - take care of business. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tidalwave Posted December 20, 2008 Author Share Posted December 20, 2008 Look at it this way, "It's not personal, it's just business." She's messing with your family and in violation of a court order - take care of business. i am just scared that the judge wont do anything. my ex will just say "i didn't know" and they wont do anything. my lawyer acts like its not a big deal. he is going to file a show cause order and everything but he acts like it is not big deal. even the psychiatrist my kids goes too doesnt think it is a big deal. I am sure that if i denied her visits or something that i would be in big trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 i dont know how to deal with it seeming like my fault when i know it wasnt. she has cheated repeatedly during our 11 years of being together but now acts as if she never did anything wrong. she has lied, stolen (even was prosectued for it), cheated and now it seems as if all is right with the world because she is without me and that sucks. i do not want her back, but i know how hard i tried with her and how much i did love her at one time and it just hurts a little. i am a tough guy but it does get to me and it is hard to deal with at times. anybody have any advice on this situation at all? i know i should just ignore it, but it is just so hard. Yes. You must detach yourself from this woman as soon as possible. Get your divorce. STOP contacting her and move on - get counselling if necessary and live life. Link to post Share on other sites
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