In despair

[ericarthurblair]

My wife and I are in a tough spot right now, and I'm increasingly thinking of divorce after 6 years of marriage. I feel that she never listens to me, is controlling, bossy, and gives me an overall bad attitude. I've lost all my patience for her, and our marriage, and I've recently become irritable and hot tempered. I feel that we rarely communicate kindly to one another anymore. I'm not entirely certain that she is really being that nasty -- am I just being oversensitive due to my irritability, or am I irritable because I'm sick from years of verbal and emotional abuse?

 

Our problems started years ago, and we sought counseling. That helped a little, but not a whole lot. Mostly, it was just expensive. Infidelity has generally not been a problem for us. Last year, I kissed another woman, but was honest enough to tell my wife and we worked it out. Recently, I've lost my sexual interest, in general, I'm not looking much at my wife, other women, or pornography. Mostly, I'm just depressed and often thinking of suicide, although there is no way I'd ever "check out" (don't worry!).

 

I'm not sure that I really have a point here, other than to just get my story out and hope that makes me feel a little better.

 

Update: Note, we have no children at this time.

[pelicanpreacher]

Ever see the movie "Amityville Horror"! Your house is telling you to get out! What are you going to do when you start hallucinating about blood running down the walls... pack your bags and jet or go to work with a wash cloth and bucket?

[jmargel]

Eric,

 

You mentioned verbal and emotional abuse, and the main word here is ABUSE. Give me some examples of what she would do to you and how you would respond. When you are subject to that amount of abuse for years it will take a toll on you and you will become depressed/suicidal. Though you might not be ready to 'check out' it's still very serious what you are feeling. The suicide portion of this creeps up on you without you knowing it and before long you are planning it. I know, it happened to me.

 

That happened 8 years ago and overcame it. Like you, I am married (little over 4 years) and I have my share of emotional/verbal abuse from my wife. I realize it comes from her abused background when she was a child but that's still no reason to put this on me. Was your wife abused or neglected back when she was a child?

 

I would suggest finding another counselor, and realize that you can't put your own self-worth into her. You need to take control of the situation and start showing confidence. When she approaches you with her bad behavior, be strict with her, let her know that the conversion will end right now and will not continue until she starts talking to you in a respectful way. This lets her know that you will talk about the issues, but without being abused.

 

Don't engage with her, they want confrontation no matter how it's addressed. They are looking to get a rise out of you. Let me ask you, does she ever say 'Oh, now you are playing the victim'? Abusers usually will say something along those lines. They turn it to make it seem like your fault.

 

Also realize that not all times with your wife are bad, they aren't with mine. If it was all bad then we wouldn't have any conflict about whether we should leave or not. It's the good times that make us want to stay, however you notice the bad times slowly getting worse. I have a child and she is only 8 months old. Already my wife is verbally abusive towards me in front of my daughter. Be glad you don't have children because it only makes the situation worse with your wife. They use the child as a weapon in some ways.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Something needs to change. The marriage you are in is not normal, and you are at a point that you need to push yourself out of this rut and get respect. Let her know that either counseling needs to be done or that you need to push away from all of this. It may sound like an ultamatium but it's something that should be done to get her the help she needs and for you to be able to move on with your life, with or without her.

[ericarthurblair]

I would suggest finding another counselor, and realize that you can't put your own self-worth into her. You need to take control of the situation and start showing confidence. When she approaches you with her bad behavior, be strict with her, let her know that the conversion will end right now and will not continue until she starts talking to you in a respectful way. This lets her know that you will talk about the issues, but without being abused.

 

Thanks, you really seem to understand my situation. I'm glad that I'm not alone.

 

I have been doing just that, and it has helped resolve individual situations, but it hasn't helped us solve the bigger issue. This is why I'm so desperate, I feel like I've tried really hard to fix our marriage, I've told her that I don't like how she treats me, and I just don't see any improvement. I feel that while she shows genuine interest in fixing our marriage, she rarely admits her own failures. On the other hand, I acknowledge my own faults. I can't make myself less irritable, but I can keep my mouth shut when I am.

 

No, it isn't always bad, but at times it seems to me that the good times aren't often enough.

 

Perhaps counseling will help, its just that we had the same problems last time, and it didn't help then.

[jmargel]

Also check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ and have her check it out. Try another counselor. It will take months, not weeks to resolve.

 

The good times will get fewer, since the abuse does get worse. She is like my wife, not wanting to acknowledge her faults and if you can't acknowledge them, then you can't fix them.

 

I think at this point maybe a letter to her explaining all of this, with letting her know that the realization of divorce is there unless she gets the help she needs.

 

Not sure about your situation but mine, it didn't start happening until after the marriage. Almost like she had such high expectations of what 'marrying me' was suppose to be. And when I didn't meet them, I became the huge disappointment (which I was reminded of last night). I just shook my head once more and let out through the other ear. You become numb to it, they do it so much they don't realize they are doing it. It is getting to the point at least for me of moving on. We see the potential in them and how great life could be with them, if they could only take responsibility for the way they behave.

 

Also, look at this: http://verbalabuseofmen.com/