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I can stop hoping for a miracle.


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I'm not looking for responses. Just voicing out. Just received the final papers in the mail. Called her work and left a voice mail. I hate you. That's it. That's all. She didn't even want to try. Marriage.......... is for suckers. Oh, and one other thing. There's no such thing as karma.

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your pissed...I would be hurt and angry too!

 

I sometimes have a preminition of that day...and it goes like this....

 

Thnks for ruining my life ....so now you can go f...yourself

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Thanks. I really thought it wouldn't phase me. I didn't cry or anything, but she just turned the knife the very last little bit. Doesn't help that I got marks back on an exam I re-wrote a couple weeks ago, yesturday. Just as disappointing as my marriage. This is winding up to be a great week.

 

Thanks, jasperlinx, at least I don't feel so bad leaving that message then.

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I'm going to regret the voice mail, aren't I?

Well, that was my first thought, although I think it's also worth giving yourself a break.

 

It was the heat of the moment, and it's done. What matters is what you do from here on. You have some healing and rebuilding to do, and in 6 days from now, 6 months, a year, a couple of years, you won't be the same person who left that voicemail, anyway. If you regret it, then accept that, but move on into your recovery process - let that be a turning point and now turn your sight forward, and become the person you want to be.

 

We had an incredibly amicable process, but on the day the judgement was entered, and I stood before the judge to get it all done, I was fine all day, had a nice dinner with friends, went home and then some little thing set me off and I sat down and cried for 20 minutes. And I thought I was completely over it - it was a turning point that hit me way harder than I expected, but it also passed pretty quickly.

 

Relax, give yourself a break, take a breath, and look forward. There will be good things coming.

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Wow. Thanks, Trimmer. Very insightful. Yeah, after my head cleared a bit, I've been having thoughts on how to steam forward. Now it's just making them a reality.

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I'm going to regret the voice mail, aren't I?

 

 

You were upset. Youre human, you are allowed to get upset and lash out from time to time, especially regarding an emotional situation like this. I'm sure it didnt make you feel any better, but whats done is done. Let that voicemail be the end of it, you're headed in a completely different direction from here on.

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You were upset. Youre human, you are allowed to get upset and lash out from time to time, especially regarding an emotional situation like this. I'm sure it didnt make you feel any better, but whats done is done. Let that voicemail be the end of it, you're headed in a completely different direction from here on.

 

 

Thanks BCCA, it helps that I won't be seen as a lunatic from outside people.It's much appreciated.

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Don't be too hard on yourself dead-dyke. So you lashed out, we all do from time to time.

 

Just don't call back and say you're sorry. She won't care anyway.

 

I personally plan to have a divorce party at my house with all my friends when my divorce is final, and I might call and tell the spousehole who is my STBXH, thank-you so much for setting me free from the nightmare of our marriage.:D

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Don't be too hard on yourself dead-dyke. So you lashed out, we all do from time to time.

 

Just don't call back and say you're sorry. She won't care anyway.

 

I personally plan to have a divorce party at my house with all my friends when my divorce is final, and I might call and tell the spousehole who is my STBXH, thank-you so much for setting me free from the nightmare of our marriage.:D

 

Thanks zazue - spousehole - that is classic. As far as apologizing, I was thinking the exact same thing just a few minutes ago. Weird. I'll let her berate me to her friends and family, only god knows WHAT she's already made me out to be. But as of the little bit of guilt I feel, I'll never let her know. This is her doing.

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When me & the W got back together after her first time of moving out she said; I feel like if I move back then you won. :confused: Like us trying to make it again made me the winner?

 

Well when my divorce is final I was thinking of turning to her & say; well the fat lady (she is overweight) can sing because she won!!!!:eek::D

 

But you know what, I am starting to learn who I am, what part I had in the sour marriage & I won't stoop that low now.... I refuse to lose what I have learned about myself to lower myself to saying something stupid.

 

What you did is probably pretty common because you still have pain & hurt. Don't say I'm sorry because at the time we were not, that is just part of healing.

 

Just move on.....

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Tempting to let it fly, isn't it PWSX3? I've read a lot of you're posts and it's just amazing that you still are willing to have transformed your whole attitude with going to counseling, even after the fact that your wife has given up - for the second time - and maintain your positive path even w/out her.

 

I've had to rearrange my attitude in this last year - and I say year, because it took me at least 3-4 of the first 16 months to see my part of the separation contribution, after all the negative effects of being separated. And it's taken this as the reason for my shift in attitude (I'm still not perfect). I didn't try for her, but because of her. I needed this to make me see how I was behaving. But the fact that I caught her w/ a friend - term used very loosely, and no more current - 1 month fresh into the separation, told me that she wasn't ever going to give this marriage a chance. Took a while for that to sink in too.

 

 

Thus the miracle I hoped for. It could have been worse though. No kids yet, and nearly not a fraction of the time you have spent in the marriage.

 

In the case of your wife, and anyone else in your situation, just doesn't make sense that it's so easy to throw away. Maybe time spent doesn't matter, the mindset is the same. We'll never understand.

 

Thanks for the thoughts.

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I've had to rearrange my attitude in this last year - and I say year, because it took me at least 3-4 of the first 16 months to see my part of the separation contribution, after all the negative effects of being separated. And it's taken this as the reason for my shift in attitude (I'm still not perfect). I didn't try for her, but because of her. I needed this to make me see how I was behaving. But the fact that I caught her w/ a friend - term used very loosely, and no more current - 1 month fresh into the separation, told me that she wasn't ever going to give this marriage a chance. Took a while for that to sink in too.

 

For me, all of that was a two-year + growth process. I had to discover, recognize, admit to, learn from and heal regarding my contributions to the end of a 25-year marriage then lay it all to rest and become forward-looking. I also needed to make significant changes to me in the process.

 

Life has been ever so much better since. Good luck!

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For me, all of that was a two-year + growth process. I had to discover, recognize, admit to, learn from and heal regarding my contributions to the end of a 25-year marriage then lay it all to rest and become forward-looking. I also needed to make significant changes to me in the process.

 

Life has been ever so much better since. Good luck!

 

Thanks, man. I'm nowhere near finished, and self awareness and growth have been slow to come, but I'm nowhere near the man she left. Shame she'll never see it for herself. Of course my voice mail message probably contradicts that.

 

I can only hope things get better from here on out.

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Thanks, man. I'm nowhere near finished, and self awareness and growth have been slow to come, but I'm nowhere near the man she left. Shame she'll never see it for herself. Of course my voice mail message probably contradicts that.

 

I can only hope things get better from here on out.

I do have to applaud you for taking the high road. It is really hard for us as men to look at ourselves & realize we can make improvements to better ourselves.

 

Just like Gunny, Ilmw, Curmudgeon to just name a few(and there are many others) that have decided to man up per say & deal with there problems, learn from them & become better people because of it.

 

How does that saying go? Your first wife prepares you for your soul mate or something like that & I agree with you, it is a shame my stbxw gave up & won't be able to share the benefits of all the hard work I plan on doing....

 

One thing to remember it is hard, it takes time & you will ask yourself; self is it all worth it? Been there done that more then I can count but for some reason I keep pushing forward especially after going to DC classes & hearing other woman talk about leaving the same person I "WAS" or I'm trying to defeat in my head.

 

I know if this is something you want to do that it will work, you will be SO much better.

 

One thing my counselor did a couple weeks ago with me is have me write down a few things I feel the stbxw would have to change. He wanted me to have them in writing so "if" (he said when:laugh:) she would call & say; hey I want to come back, or do you want to give it one more try I would be able to read what I feel would need to change & if she isn't working on them, or if they are still the same I could say; sorry unless these things are met I am fine on my own.

 

Keep learning, keep growing, that is all you can ask of yourself....;)

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Just like Gunny, Ilmw, Curmudgeon to just name a few(and there are many others) that have decided to man up per say & deal with there problems, learn from them & become better people because of it.

 

 

 

I know if this is something you want to do that it will work, you will be SO much better.

 

One thing my counselor did a couple weeks ago with me is have me write down a few things I feel the stbxw would have to change. He wanted me to have them in writing so "if" (he said when:laugh:) she would call & say; hey I want to come back, or do you want to give it one more try I would be able to read what I feel would need to change & if she isn't working on them, or if they are still the same I could say; sorry unless these things are met I am fine on my own.

 

 

Your first point - all of those guys, Owl, ladyjane, (Owl once said she was a girl) and even yourself, carry a lot of weight in the advice front. Everybody in those instances - and I know there are more - command a lot of respect.

 

As for your list - that's a really good idea. Maybe soon I'll have to do that...... if for no other reason than it'll remind me of some sore points from her end if I start to miss her.

 

Thanks for the advice, it's always appreciated.

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As for your list - that's a really good idea. Maybe soon I'll have to do that...... if for no other reason than it'll remind me of some sore points from her end if I start to miss her.

 

Thanks for the advice, it's always appreciated.

There are a couple big things "we" need to remember.

1) It took both spouses to get the marriage to the place it is.

2) "IF" you would get back together you don't want it to be the way it was because that was not a good relationship so things have to change.

3) If things have to change it has to come from both sides.

One of the guys in our DC class was the one that left because his wife was controlling.

When they went to counseling they were finding all the faults he had, but when they started to talk about hers she didn't like it. She wasn't the problem it was him, she had none or so she thought.

Now it has been a year, she is now finding out it wasn't all him, that she did have a lot to do with it but now it is to late, he is in a better place because while she was blaming him, he was working on himself.

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Oh, I've admitted after time, where I went wrong. Not thinking that was going to change her mind, mind you. And I was right on the money. This conversation went down in the beginning of Sept. and she even thanked me for realizing it. One of the biggest sore points w/ her, is her neglect, or feeling I'm not worthy of a simple apology. Not once. Maybe she'll feel I've won, or something silly like that.:eek:

 

This did not come over night. Lots of connecting the dots. But who knows, you never,ever know what the future holds. It's rare it seems, what we expect. Divorce - always happens to the other guy, right? Till it's to late~

 

But you're absolutely right. Marriage isn't a one trick pony. As I've found out.

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I think I really don't regret my voicemail. Does that make any progress I made......... useless? I felt guilty after a while, then just thinking about how she let it get this far, I asked myself, why? She doesn't care anyway. She has never said s-o-r-r-y once. No guilt. She just doesn't care.

 

I'm just putting this down, so if I start to feel guilty, I can come back and read this. Can you believe I actually got depressed and googled remarriage to the same spouse? As probable as I've found, I'm hoping again. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!?!? I'm nuts.

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pelicanpreacher

For some reason I keep getting a chuckle from your avatar, LOL!

 

You need to take a deep breath and focus on disciplining yourself to only looking forward from here on out to the future that lay before you. If your ex comes back then it will only be on her inclination and not something you can do at this point to change her mind. Continue your work in progress building yourself into the man you are destined to be. By doing this you will make yourself more attractive to the world of women around you and that includes your ex. You must remember that you are doing this heavy lifting for you and for no-one else so learn for the sake of knowing, eat and excercise for the sake of vitality, earn for the sake of financial endowment, and be real for the sake of fullfillment. You'd be surprised at what rewards come your way when you're not doing for the sake of expecting!

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You need to take a deep breath and focus on disciplining yourself to only looking forward from here on out to the future that lay before you. You'd be surprised at what rewards come your way when you're not doing for the sake of expecting!

 

There are some funny avatars out there, and I switch them up out of boredom, but I always seem to come back to this one.

 

That right there - expecting - That is my biggest downfall. You nailed it. I didn't even realize it until you wrote it.:eek: I've always expected her to come around after some time. That's what the hell is wrong w/ me.... While I've been trying to focus on me to progress, that is always in the back of my mind. Sometimes I could successfully talk myself out of la-la land, but it would always creep back in.

Thanks for your post, PelicanPreacher.- Now if I miss her, I can read your post as well as the others to try and keep myself on the straight & narrow.

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pelicanpreacher
There are some funny avatars out there, and I switch them up out of boredom, but I always seem to come back to this one.

 

That right there - expecting - That is my biggest downfall. You nailed it. I didn't even realize it until you wrote it.:eek: I've always expected her to come around after some time. That's what the hell is wrong w/ me.... While I've been trying to focus on me to progress, that is always in the back of my mind. Sometimes I could successfully talk myself out of la-la land, but it would always creep back in.

Thanks for your post, PelicanPreacher.- Now if I miss her, I can read your post as well as the others to try and keep myself on the straight & narrow.

 

Glad to help! By the way the main impetus of my post focused on growth, growth, growth for we all have a tendency to become complacent within ourselves which can lead to stagnation of our lives and relationships so please consider adopting the advice in its entirety and then you'll be sure to remain on the straight and narrow!

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I should have quoted the entire post as it is all of value. I just had the big !!!! floating over my head when I saw the expectation part. Discipline is another huge one. I get so sidetracked sometimes. An example would be the result of my exam marks. While I'm not as bad as I was a year ago, but my mind has a tendency to wonder. Stagnation has definitely entered into my life and marriage, so, yeah. It's just being conscious of it when it happens again - that's the trick. Thanks again.

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