yanoyan Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 Hi Everyone, The details: - Separated from Husband since April 07 - We had been married for 4 years, together for 6 and for the most part had a very loving relationship. - He left me for another woman, although he likes to say that he didn't leave me for her, she just made him realize he wasn't in love with me. (?) - They have been together since June 07 - We have no children, but own a business together. - We're not required to see each other very often at work. - We have attempted to be friends. The issues: Despite a lot of pain and heartbreak, I decided very early on that fighting against what was would only hurt me more. My Husband seemed very certain of his decision and I didn't see a point in wishing things were different. I also had a certain amount of empathy for him because I believed he was experiencing some sort of emotional breakdown. Whenever I would become emotionally exhausted and think I had to cut off contact, he would beg me to try harder to make a friendship work. He would say things like - you mean so much to me, please don't throw away our friendship because our marriage didn't work" - things like that. Since then He has consistently used our business as an excuse to talk to me or see me. We also spend time together doing things like going to movies, the beach, having dinner together - as friends. Sometimes it works and sometimes it hurts. I should also explain here that his girlfriend lives in another city about 1.5hrs away. He spends loads of time there, and she here, but he still has enough free time to spend with me. As time has gone on, my hurt lessens and I find spending time with him easier. The thing is I'm starting to find it weird that he STILL wants to be so close to me. At first I think I was just so hurt that I wanted to be with him any way I could. I still would rather have him in my life than not, but then again, I'm the one who was left! He has put so much more commitment into our friendship than he ultimately did in our marriage. I've been confused about his state of mind. There is a huge part of me that has been waiting for his relationship to fail. He didn't take any time to grieve and he jumped right in, while going through a very painful time with me. It seems destined to fail, but it hasn't yet. By all accounts his girlfriend is really nice and stable. (I haven't met her...but close friends have.) At this point I don't want him back, but there is still a part of me that wants to see things not work out perfectly for him. I can't tell if he really made a logical decision, really realized all of sudden that he wasn't in love with me, fell in love quickly with someone else, is totally happy and stable and now is just ready to be close friends with me OR if he's simply selfish and trying to have his cake and eat it too OR if he's locked into some sort of guilt pattern with me and wants to be friends so that he can eternally "make things up to me". The longer his relationship carries on, the more confused I get. Most of our mutual friends and his mother agree that his behavior over the past year has been out of character. Most of us expected the relationship to be over by now. I realize I have a choice - I could end it or put up strict boundaries - as I said, it's very hard because I am not totally ready to lose him. It's just getting hard to spend a nice day with him and then know he'll be heading out of town for a few weeks to be with his girlfriend. Especially if he truly content. Then he just sort of has it all doesn't he? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 Perhaps he's having a hard time letting go of familiar patterns of behavior, ones that automatically occur with your presence. That takes work to change, the amount depending on the man's psychology. For me, if I were to treat my wife in a neutral way, which some call "polite indifference", I would feel like I was being "mean" to her, even if I no longer was in love with her. That's one perspective. I'm not a cake-eater so I don't know how they process emotion. Based on the verbiage and actions you have related, he sounds confused to me. I'm working in MC to rebuild the love I lost for my wife and I have not nor would ever say such things or act such ways. I've been very clear that the love died one day at a time and that's how it has to be rebuilt, if at all. I would not want to be her friend if we split up, not because I hate her, but because we'd be just as incompatible as friends and we seem to be as a couple. Obviously, your dynamic may be different. If you're uncomfortable with what's going on, make yourself heard and set those strict boundaries. You're in charge of your life Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 He would say things like - you mean so much to me, please don't throw away our friendship because our marriage didn't work" - ... It's just getting hard to spend a nice day with him and then know he'll be heading out of town for a few weeks to be with his girlfriend. ... he just sort of has it all doesn't he? Yes, the way he has set things up for himself, he DOES have it all. His telling you stuff like that could just be his way to still be able to pull your strings and press your buttons -- in other words, if you respond by giving up your own needs and desires (to limit contact and set healthy boundaries), then he is successfully controlling and manipulating you. IMO, he has done a good job of moving on. But the way you are playing along and supporting all of HIS needs and wants has made it difficult for YOU to do your own total healing, letting go and moving on...and it appears that the current situation even has you going backwards, emotionally. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 You want him to come crawling back? Break it off. Completely. Keep it strictly business and stop fulfilling his emotional needs. Why would you allow him to do that to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Hi, I enjoyed reading your post btw, it was well put together. I think that if their relationship is going to fail, is still too soon. I know that for you one year is a very long time since you've had to put up with seeing him go to visit her and all that.. but usually relationships break on the two to three year mark. That's more or less the average. Also, I find it odd that if he is so in love with her and things are so great, they haven't moved in together or gotten engaged. Seems like things are pretty stale. The sad part would be that if he asks you to get back together you wouldn't care about him anymore and are over him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yanoyan Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 Thank you everyone for your insight. It's very hard to realize what I need to do and not quite be able to do it - ie stop allowing him access to me emotionally. I realize that because I had attempted to be accepting and graceful, I never really got a chance to fight for my marriage or even get really angry about being left for someone he barely knew. I think my assumption was that he was in some sort of crisis and would come back with his tail between his legs. Now I'm realizing that that's not going to happen and that perhaps he knew exactly what he was doing all along. Maybe they ARE meant to be together....and that hurts. Giving him what he wanted and needed at my own expense was a pattern in our marriage - it was hard to see because he's an incredibly nice person, He's just totally self-involved. I see him for who he is now and I'm happy for the opportunity to grow and learn. I don't want him back, and for that reason it really shouldn't matter if his relationship continues - it's just hard to be rejected with such certainty. Link to post Share on other sites
zennya Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 i'm experiencing a similar situation. these posts help. THANK YOU! life is full of surprises Link to post Share on other sites
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