Jump to content

Married 5 years, 2 kids, wife cheated, left, took the kids


Recommended Posts

thecalidude

So here's the story. I'm 26, she's 25 and we have been married for 5 years now. About three weeks ago she tells me she doesn't love me any more and wants a divorce. I was devastated. I took time off work and stayed home and set an appointment for a councilor. She tells me she doesn't want me around so I drive around for the next few days to keep busy. I notice her acting weird on the computer so I got into her accounts (don't want to say how, but I am good with computers). I found conversations between her and this other guy. I was only able to read maybe 7 sentences when I was able to figure out that she was cheating on me. It looked like they were having sex, but she denied it and said it was only online, she is not in love with him, but after I left to come to California (we live in Arizona now) she saw him twice and used my credit card for gas (hurt pretty bad once I found out) and she even took our kids with her to seem him (out kids are 4 and 1). I am not sure if she is telling the truth and the more I think about it, it seems like this "relationship" has been going on longer. She was going to originally going to stay at the house but decided to leave after I found out. We still saw the councilor and he said it's over but that I should not do anything stupid. I begged her back, cried, all that crap. Did it about three or four times but she said no. She was very cold about all of it and said she was even using me for the last 6 months, but then changed and said she wanted to give me a second chance to see if it could work. I have been doing my best to be nice, but she is playing games with me at this point. I had to pick her up from the airport a few days ago and I just turned the radio up to avoid conversation. She said a few things to me, and I responded nicely, but I just didn't want say something and makes things worse.

 

My role in this is that when she was pregnant with our second child I was not happy. I was drinking heavily almost every day and I was an *******. She left then, I changed, drank less, and then gave up drinking back in December. She also says I have not been there for her and the kids, but I work and go to school. My work is the late shift and I have a 45 min commute. I offered to change all that but still no.

 

As of now I can not go back to the house. I am seriously considering moving out to California to pick up my life. I have friends and family out here that are very supportive and in Arizona I have no friends or family, except the kids. I feel better when I am in California, but I am a wreck when I am in Arizona. I want to be with the kids, but I feel I will go insane out there by myself. I also still love my wife, even though I have much anger and resentment for her and what she did to us and the kids, and I would still try to repair our marriage. So, my question is: Is there real chance of this working out? and should I come to California and if I do will that hurt the chances of this working out? Also, her dad skipped out on her mom for another woman so I am sure that this is a factor in all of this. Also, she is living with her mom in one bedroom with both kids. She will have to get a job and was a stay at home mom for the last 5 years. So let me know what you think.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda

No reconciliation. She's a cheater for one. and in her fog introduced your kids to the OM. I would so get a lawyer and file and get your kids back. It was not agreed to take the kids outta state, so what she did was essentially kidnapping.

 

Do a 180 and make yourself happy again.

 

Since she abandoned the house she might be allowed back into it. Go and get your kids back, why should she have them?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't abandon your kids like that. You will be blamed for it in the long run - stay near your kids in Arizona.

 

People make mistakes. More than half of all marriages can survive an affair. If you are willing and loving enough, you may be able to get your Wife back.

 

If you move to California - kiss you marriage and your most of your parenting time with your kids goodbye.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TrustInYourself

You're young. Why did you have to go down that road of marriage. WHY!?

 

Now you know why all men fear that aisle and that ring. Now you know!

 

And alcohol is bad. Listen to me on that. It's bad. very bad. You naughty boy.

 

Yeah, I'm in California. It's pretty nice. Good weather. Hot tattoo ladies everywhere. Yeah, it's cool.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
thecalidude

The thing is I don't know if I can stay out there by myself. I have no friends or family out there. In California I have my friends and family and I just had a job interview in Laguna that pays very well.

 

I got married because she got pregnant. We loved each other and didn't have sex until we were in love. Haha, she was "on the pill" at the time, she said she forgot or some bull****. Still loved her though, it didn't matter.

 

I talked to her today online and told her I am thinking about it as I don't think I can go to that empty house and survive it with my mental abilities intact, but I told her if anything changes I can always move back.

 

This whole thing just sucks and I am screwed either way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup
but then changed and said she wanted to give me a second chance to see if it could work.

 

Give YOU a second chance? She's the one who cheated, but she's wants to give you a second chance? Boy, her head is really messed up and she's totally in an affairfog, isn't thinking clearly.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
thecalidude

^ She gave me a second chance 2 years ago when I was drinking hard. Sorry if I did not clarify a few things, I was a little out of it when I wrote that. I did change, but I didn't do what she needed because she never told me what else I needed to do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The thing is I don't know if I can stay out there by myself. I have no friends or family out there. In California I have my friends and family and I just had a job interview in Laguna that pays very well.

I may be old school, but I think the fact that you have two kids where you're currently living obligates you to stay and be the best parent you can be, married or divorced. This is about more than earning a paycheck or living where your comfort zone is - you have two people depending on you to make their way in life. Do you really think it would be best to take off and leave them behind :confused: ?

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
I may be old school, but I think the fact that you have two kids where you're currently living obligates you to stay and be the best parent you can be, married or divorced. This is about more than earning a paycheck or living where your comfort zone is - you have two people depending on you to make their way in life. Do you really think it would be best to take off and leave them behind :confused: ?

 

I agree. No matter what happens between you and your wife as spouses, you will both continue to be responsible for them. They are part of your life now; you can't divorce them.

 

Have you tried seeing a counselor by yourself yet? And I think you should go find a lawyer and have an initial consultation, at least, to find out about what your various rights and obligations are. Don't take advice on something that critical from an internet forum - go find out what you can and can't do, what is a good idea to do to position yourself, and what would be a bad idea (like maybe unilaterally moving to another state, away from your kids?)

 

If things in your marriage do come apart, you will need a significant amount of time to recover, and it will not be easy; that's just how it goes. It may seem like running to California will make everything OK, and it may really be that way in the short term, but that won't eliminate the need to recover and get yourself right again. And if you do that - essentially leaving your kids - you will have other significant issues to deal with that will eventually come around and hit you.

 

Running away may seem like it will make it all better, but don't be fooled...

Link to post
Share on other sites

OK...so at this point, is SHE truly willing to try to rebuild your marriage as well?

 

Or is this what you want, but she's still on a different agenda? Is she still in contact with the other man? Or is the affair over?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR

Sounds to me like she is gone for good, past the point of no return. Best thing to do now is take care of you and your kids, start working on getting yourself in a better position to be happy host a functional environment for the kids.

 

Cheers,

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
thecalidude

She says the marriage is over, but I am willing to give her a second chance so we can have the kids in both of our lives. I am not sure if she is talking to the OM, I haven't asked and I don't want to know.

 

Just so everyone knows, I love those kids very much and I would even take my wife back for them. I have talked to and have been seeing a councilor about all of this and he says I need to do what is best for me. When I go to Arizona I break down again and re-live everything. I don't eat or sleep again, I have no one out there for support. I literally feel myself lose my mind and I'm afraid I can't be out there alone by myself. I don't care what anyone think of me for saying that, but it's just a fact. I am also probably going to fight for full custody of the kids, but I need to consider what is truly best for them. I also got a job offer out here in Laguna Hills and it pays far more then I was making out there.

 

I know this is a hard decision and I have talked to many people about it. I'm just asking to get different views and see if I am missing something in all of this. I just wish my wife would get her mind back and let us try to fix this. We can have a very good life out here with this job offer (she doesn't know about it yet though). Also, if she was willing to try I could always move back or she could move out here. It's sad, but I could live out there with her, without her I hate that place. I want to be with my kids, but they can't give me support and all they will see is a train wreck of a father who can't get his stuff together out there. You can't go outside for 5 months out of the year and I hate the heat, it drives me insane coming from southern California. I also have been driving back every two weeks to see them as well.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda

What are you doing havent you consulted a lawyer? why is she having your kids outta state. man the F up and wake up too!!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
thecalidude

^ We both live in Arizona. She stayed in Arizona with her mom and I am the one coming out to California. I am on short-term right now through my job. Finding out the person I loved dearly doesn't love me and is cheating on me destroyed me. I also work with both of her parents (it's a long story) and when I see them I just want to talk about my wife with them since she is living with them. I went into work about a week ago and all I did was talk to them so I decided to remove myself and my work agreed. My wife has been a very strong support in my life. Just last May I was very depressed and I was going to see a councilor, but after talking to her I felt much better and canceled the appointment. The counselor said to just keep talking to her so that's what I did and I felt like we really connected as friends or support in the last 6 months, I guess we just put our marriage last.

Link to post
Share on other sites
What are you doing havent you consulted a lawyer? why is she having your kids outta state. man the F up and wake up too!!!!

Reading back carefully, I think you were the only poster who suggested that the wife had taken the kids out of state. I don't see where the OP ever said that.

 

Regardless, I completely agree with seeing a lawyer, No matter how it turns out, it cannot hurt anything to educate yourself here, and it could help significantly; the things you do now may make a difference later...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Darth Vader

Your wife has/had no legal right to take your children out of state! I think they're onto something! Lawyer UP!

Link to post
Share on other sites
I also have been driving back every two weeks to see them as well.

It's probably useless for me to post since it sounds like you've already made up your mind, but seeing your kids every two weeks - or less as time goes by and you get tired of the drive - isn't the same as being an everyday part of their lives. Not only will they lose, but you'll miss out on one the most rewarding experiences a man can have. Put yourself second and them first - trust me, 5, 10, 15 years from now you'll be glad you did...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites

I wouldn't get back together with your wife. She cheated on you once. What's to say she won't do it again. You can find someone better.

 

As for your children, do you think they would be better off with you or with their mother concerning primary custody? If you think they're better of with their mother then move to California and hire a lawyer to try to get custody of them over the summer. That way you can at least play a part in their lives. If you think they should be with you, then I would stay and fight for them until you get physical custody of them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...
So here's the story. I'm 26, she's 25 and we have been married for 5 years now. About three weeks ago she tells me she doesn't love me any more and wants a divorce. I was devastated. I took time off work and stayed home and set an appointment for a councilor. She tells me she doesn't want me around so I drive around for the next few days to keep busy. I notice her acting weird on the computer so I got into her accounts (don't want to say how, but I am good with computers). I found conversations between her and this other guy. I was only able to read maybe 7 sentences when I was able to figure out that she was cheating on me. It looked like they were having sex, but she denied it and said it was only online, she is not in love with him, but after I left to come to California (we live in Arizona now) she saw him twice and used my credit card for gas (hurt pretty bad once I found out) and she even took our kids with her to seem him (out kids are 4 and 1). I am not sure if she is telling the truth and the more I think about it, it seems like this "relationship" has been going on longer. She was going to originally going to stay at the house but decided to leave after I found out. We still saw the councilor and he said it's over but that I should not do anything stupid. I begged her back, cried, all that crap. Did it about three or four times but she said no. She was very cold about all of it and said she was even using me for the last 6 months, but then changed and said she wanted to give me a second chance to see if it could work. I have been doing my best to be nice, but she is playing games with me at this point. I had to pick her up from the airport a few days ago and I just turned the radio up to avoid conversation. She said a few things to me, and I responded nicely, but I just didn't want say something and makes things worse.

 

My role in this is that when she was pregnant with our second child I was not happy. I was drinking heavily almost every day and I was an *******. She left then, I changed, drank less, and then gave up drinking back in December. She also says I have not been there for her and the kids, but I work and go to school. My work is the late shift and I have a 45 min commute. I offered to change all that but still no.

 

As of now I can not go back to the house. I am seriously considering moving out to California to pick up my life. I have friends and family out here that are very supportive and in Arizona I have no friends or family, except the kids. I feel better when I am in California, but I am a wreck when I am in Arizona. I want to be with the kids, but I feel I will go insane out there by myself. I also still love my wife, even though I have much anger and resentment for her and what she did to us and the kids, and I would still try to repair our marriage. So, my question is: Is there real chance of this working out? and should I come to California and if I do will that hurt the chances of this working out? Also, her dad skipped out on her mom for another woman so I am sure that this is a factor in all of this. Also, she is living with her mom in one bedroom with both kids. She will have to get a job and was a stay at home mom for the last 5 years. So let me know what you think.

 

Maybe you should tell her about the job in Laguna and see what she says....mabe she'd be willing to move to Cali?

 

I know everyone is saying stay in AZ for the kids, but, don't underestimate the power depression can have.....

 

Having no support, no family, no friends....it can destroy a person. Little children cannot support you, you are supposed to support them emtoinallly, and you cant do that when you are falling apart.

 

AZ is not that far from Cali. Its not like you would be moving to another country, or another coast.

 

Maybe you should take this job for now. Get your head straight. If you really need to, you can always move back to AZ, its not like once you leave, they ban you fron re-entry to the state.

 

Fight for full custody of the kids. If you can prove she was cheating, and she has no job, and no means of support, to be honest, you as a caring father, with a good job and means of supporting the children, will be in a better place to prove to courts that you deserve the custody, don't you think? Then if the kids live with you, it'll be on her to make herself availabe to them, and then maybe she'll move out to Cali.

 

As far as your marriage...well, you can't force what's not there anymore, I suppose. Try counseling, try pleading, try asking for a second chance to make it all work in a new environment, but at the end of the day if she doesn't want to make it work....what can you do?

 

Get a good lawyer. One that is versed in men's paternal rights in divorce. That's prbably your first move right now, at least a consult on what your options are in all scenarios, wheter you move to Cali, or Stay in AZ, but get a lawyer in AZ, of course....since that's where the kids are right now. Good luck

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
mike_maranto

Reading all responses and looking at the situation, I think first you need to really think what you want. I think you need to be there for your kids. What I see out of this that you think you are the victim but my friend I have news for you, the real victims of this whole mess are your kids. You may move to Cali and be with people who will help you to recover but who wil be there for your kids? no one. They need Dad and Mom.

Giver your wife some time to re-think and explain how things may be once you guys get divorced, explain to her how kids will suffer. if she loves her kids and if she ever loved you, I bet she will think once and my friend her thinking once may get your life back.

If things don't work out than I know it will hurt you but it happens to all BUT be there for your kids. I WISH I CAN DO MORE FOR YOU

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...