Reaching out...

[verytired]

i'm feeling pretty low tonight. i only post on here when it's desperate, i know that there's so many other people in pain the rest of the time I try to stand back and give them their moment in the sun, but tonight's one of mine.

 

It's one month since she told me she wanted out. We still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, eat dinner together, play with the kids in front of each other... but it's all a sham. We both want custody of the kids (I think I would be betraying my son to not fight for him, but she wants them both so she gets maximum payout from me) I love them, I enjoy them, I have the emotional relationship with them - she just makes the lunch sometimes and irons a shirt now and then. I don't know what she wants apart from money and an easy life and ... freedom whatever the **** that is. I have been documenting everything in the last few weeks. It makes for sad reading.

 

And here's the kicker.. I still love her. I want her. She has been out last Thursday, Friday & Saturday & tonight til 3AM. I have no idea where she is or who she's with, but my imagination is going overtime. She walked past me this morning wearing just a thin robe after having a shower and I could smell the freshness of her, see her slender curves through her clothes, see her beautiful face and I wanted to kiss her and hold her and everything to be alright. But it never will be again. And as far as I know she has shared all those treats with other people now. She will suddenly not leave her handbag or cell phone more than an inch away from her. She has secrets. And we can't ever go back to how things were.

I don't want to be so shallow that I can switch my love off like a light bulb, and I can't understand how I mean nothing to her after 16 years and 2 kids.

 

I feel so alone. I have friends, but they don't really get this do they? I mean, none of my friends have been through this, so they don't really get how terrible it is - they say the right words but they have no idea.

We have an appointment for 'mediation' on Thursday. It's our last chance to do this nicely without going to court and ruining each other. She has already told me she refuses to compromise at all. Why is she doing this to me? I don't deserve this. I think everything she ever said to me was a lie. Every orgasm, every kiss, every holiday, every shared laugh. I feel bitter and lost and confused.

 

If you knew me in real life you'd say "isn't he strong?" "isn't he coping well?" "hasn't he lost weight this last few weeks and got muscular"- she probably even thinks that, but inside I'm crushed. I'm here telling you this because I have nowhere else I can say it. I want to run away, I want to be held and kissed and appreciated. I want to feel like I'm not the last piece of sh*t on her shoe. I see posts on here that say "lose that person and find the person who really can love you, who is right for you" but I have no faith at all that I'll EVER get over this, or that all the good ones aren't already gone leaving only the bitter, broken debris like me.

I'm sorry - I know this is loathesome self-pity, but oh f*ck I feel low.

 

Yes, I tell myself I don't want her back, that she doesn't deserve me, that six months from now it will all be different... but it's just words right now.

 

Can anyone give me hope?

[Navin_R_Johnson]

I feel for you. I've been where you are. It sucks big time, but it does get better. Much better.

 

Be the best Dad you can be. That is your number one priority.

 

Stay busy, and enjoy your freedom!

 

Don't chase her, don't be needy. Let her know you are just fine without her, but this is not the way you wished it had gone down. Confidence and independence are attractive, and they'll help you no matter the outcome. "Needing" something or someone almost always sets you up for a bad result. Your relationship, romantic love, they're nice to have, but you don't need them. It's her loss. Work on getting to this place and you'll feel much better.

 

If you have an email you wouldn't mind posting, I can send you a book that may help put this sitch in perspective.

 

Hang in there.

[Simon Leon]

I recommend reading the book Navin can send you. I read it on Sunday/Monday and it really helped me.

 

Be strong and try to keep control of your feelings and emotions.

 

Don't beg, plead, cry, or try to rationize this with her. It will only make her resolve stronger.

 

I recommend reading this book as soon as you can.

 

You need take a step back and try..try...try to relax as much as you can. It will help you think more clearly about what you can do to move forward.

 

Although my situation is different, I'm going through something very similar right now too.

[sharebear823]

You are in so much emotional pain right now, that I have a feeling right now you can't see anything else but that pain. I believe time is going to help to change your perspective, but I know that's cold comfort when you are hurting so much right now.

 

It must be really, really hard having your wife right under your nose all the time, through all of this, walking around in her negligees. That seems very insensitive. Is there any way that you could see your way to stop sleeping in the same bed with your wife, just for the short term? I'm guessing that would be a very difficult step for you to take, but in my opinion, that has got to be contributing to the pain you are feeling. I know it might be really hard, though.

 

I hope you continue to post on this board more often, because the people on this board are extremely helpful. I think there's definitely enough room for everyone, it is "cyberspace," after all, so don't hold back from writing. You said your friends can't relate, but you've got a whole board full of folks who have walked in similar shoes right here, who want to hear from you and, from what I've seen, have some pretty good advice to pass along. Please continue to utilize it, and let yourself feel the wisdom, understanding and compassion that so many on this site seem to possess in spades. Also, I have found that just typing out your thoughts is extremely helpful because it forces you to organize it and cuts through some of the emotions so you can think about your situation more clearly. So, I hope we hear from you frequently!!

[wannabehappy]

Totally understand how you can still feel love for a person who does not show they love you. It is hard to deal with and painful. The world seems to be coming down on only you and how can the world still revolve when you feel so bad. You can not control love and how you feel. I just posted what my situation was today (it changes each day) if you would like to see what I am currently going through.

 

You can still love her there is nothing wrong with that you have a history. Does she know exactly how you feel. Do you say the things to her you wrote here about how you feel. If you are not saying these things to her she may not know. If she does know and she does not have anything to say to that there is nothing you can do but be honest and open with your feelings. Let it out and set yourself free no matter what it makes you look like.

 

I wish I knew how my husband feels honestly as we go through with the divorce. I at least wanted his honest feelings and emotions to have that in the end. Do that if you can that is important. You may never have the chance again.

 

You know you can and will survive we all do and later view it as a less then it was at the time. Nothing is difinate until you die so you just never know what can and will happen. Have faith and keep strong for the kids and yourself. Please keep your head up.

[Mr. Lucky]

We still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, eat dinner together, play with the kids in front of each other... but it's all a sham.

As hard as it is to consider, you need to get out of the house. If your mediation does not go well, there's no choice but to move the next step. Living under the same roof when only one partner is still connected to the marriage just isn't managable from an emotional standpoint. All the challenges and issues will come - custody, finances, separation, new relationships, etc. - and the sooner you face them the sooner you'll have them behind you. Anything's better than just living in limbo, and there's always the chance that moving forward with your life will serve as a wakeup call to her. It sucks, but it's time to get started...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SingleDad]

verytired - I lived that life to a tee for 3 months after STBXW filed for a divorce - living under the same roof - it was pure hell... I went from 198 lbs to 165 lbs in one month - 1 lb per day lost - the anguish was destroying me..

 

Then 3 months bouncing between my house and mother's house, clothes all in my car.

 

Now back in my house and STBXW bought her own house. Now going through the "oh my god it's so quiet and lonely" phase... this is really happening phase.

 

Slowly things are getting better - I seem to be able to function as a human again - but I do feel like crying every day.... hollow pit in my stomache.

[verytired]

Thanks for replying. I do feel very alone, so it is good to have people share with me who are also in this terrible mess.

 

Today was the worst day yet.

 

She came home at 2.15AM refused to tell me where she'd been, but I knew something was odd. Then she turned over in bed and held me so tight. I really miss us being close. I did wonder why though? Does she miss me too, or is it guilt? Well now I know.

 

This morning I realised her cell phone is paid for by my business so I have all her phone records. So I checked and every time she has suddenly gone out of the house for a few hours in the last week she has called the same number before leaving. A number I don't recognise. I bet you can guess where this is going? I rang that number this morning and it's her boss, who started working with her just about the time our marriage started falling apart. Strange?

 

Earlier on she had to go out of the house in a hurry and I finally did what I've been trying not to do out of 'respect' and looked at her computer which she'd left switched on. She was just in the middle of drafting an email to him telling him what a great time she'd had fooling around with him in his home til 2AM this morning. Just before she came home and held me.

 

I am so disappointed and hurt and disgusted.

 

I rang my lawyer today, and apparently under UK law there's not a thing I can do about it because i don't have proof, so she could deny everything. I could not copy her messages I saw on her screen for some reason, so I've got nothing.

 

I really, really want to throw her out and change the locks, but don't know if doing this would prejudice my legal position. I am told that would be a bad thing to do?! HOW CAN I JUST STAND BACK AND TAKE THIS? It feels like I'm supposed to buy him a packet of condoms and wish him well.

 

I am sure many of you have already been here, but, I just cannot believe how disgusting it is to know that another man was touching my wife intimately last night. That she was kissing him and then came home and kissed me and held me!!! Here's a sentence I never thought I'd utter... thank goodness we didn't end up having sex!! I don't know how I would deal with that.

 

I hate her and I love her at the same time. This is just totally unbelievably awful.

[verytired]

oh, that email address? try [email protected] iwll gladly read anything that is going to dull some of this pain. thanks so much

[Billy Bob]

Some consolation..

 

This relationship with her boss will not last. Divorce her (make sure you get the best settlement you can) and move on with your life. When you are ready start dating again. She will come crawling back.. maybe 6 months later, maybe 12 months later.. probably at the point when you don't want her back at all.

 

Karma is a bitch.

[Billy Bob]

HOW CAN I JUST STAND BACK AND TAKE THIS? It feels like I'm supposed to buy him a packet of condoms and wish him well.

 

Do exactly that! Add a note saying to especially use these when she has one of her outbreaks!

[verytired]

You know what really sucks? This new boss of hers is divorced. he lives in a little place on his own because his wife had an affair with his best friend and then took his child and all that matters to him and left him with nothing.

 

How could you then do that to someone else?

 

Would you not stick together just out of a sense of injustice? No, he's doing his thing with my wife. What a c*nt.

[Billy Bob]

I want you to look at this as the best thing that ever happened to you. you may not see it now, but I have been in a very similar spot. What will happen is you will get divorced, your life will get in order, you will date lots of good looking gals, within the next two years you will meet and fall for the new gal of your dreams and be truly happy.

 

Your (future) ex-wife's life will spiral downwards, she's a cheater involved with another cheater.. it won't last.

 

All Karma buddy! Trust me, you're going to be just fine. I'm 2 years out and happier than I ever was married to my ex. (Didn't know it at the time though).

[sharebear823]

That's awful, I'm sorry your wife is treating you so horribly. Have you thought of confronting her with your information. Perhaps she left on the computer thinking that you might read it, and she wants you to know but is afraid to tell you? Maybe she wants to be found out so it's out in the open and you can begin to fix the problems that led to the affair? Maybe it is a "cry for help?"

 

As painful as it is, a lot of people say that when one partner in the marriage has an affair, that is a "symptom" of the larger problem that both partners in the marriage created together.

 

I'm not saying this is always the case, and maybe it doesn't apply in your situation, but since you know about it, I don't see the point in not having it out with her.