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Things to discuss before a Trial Seperation?


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Hi everyone! New to the board here. My husband (28) and I (31) have been together for 13 years, married for 12. We have 2 children and our third will be here in a week. LOL I know, great timing! Anyway, about 3 weeks ago I found out he was starting to have feelings for a co-worker. He didn't act on them, infact he had only realized this for a couple days before I found out. Needless to say, it opened a huge can of worms as far as our marraige goes. He really feels the need to move out and be on his own for a while. He is very torn right now, he feels like he doesn't know who he is and that he doesn't even know if marriage is right for him or not. There are a lot of issues we need to work out and to him counseling is out of the question. We have talked more in the past 3 weeks than we have since we first started dating back in 1995, LOL. I keep flip flopping back and forth between being supportive of him leaving and clinging to him asking him how could he want to do this. And he does the same, he flip flops back and forth between wanting to leave and wanting to stay and do the right thing. Simple fact is, he is most likely going to move out. He feels like he needs more independance (I'm too controlling) and I can see and understand that. We will not see other people. The girl at work has been completely removed from the situation and he realizes now that she would not have been an answer to whats bothering him, thank God! Our plan is he will move out into an apartment and after a short time, we will start to date again. He hasn't said that we will definately date again, however we most likely will. I asked him to give me odds and asked if there was a 95% chance that we would start dating and he said yes. I really think he needs some alone time to work out what he's going through and then we can start to rebuild "us" again. He had a very traumatic childhood, added onto the fact that I got pregnant with our first child when he was 16 and I was 17. Then last fall he was medically discharged from the Air Force after 10 years, this was against his will. Then 6 weeks later we found out I was pregnant, something we had naver planned on happening again EVER! He was out of work for 4 months, finally took a crappy $8/hour job and then was finally offered a great position with GE 2 months later. So you can see he was been through the ringer the past 8 months now. So now that you have the background story, what things should we discuss before he moves out? We've talked a bit about the kids and the money aspect. And neither of us are going to see other people. What else should we discuss? We are both planning ahead to make the transition easier, it's still going to be hard but if we can calmly discuss the important things before he leaves it will ease our minds in the meantime. He is planning on staying until a couple of weeks after the baby is born because I have to have a c-section. And again, he still might stay, but he's leaning moreso to leaving for a while for, as he puts it, to think for himself and not be influenced by me. Thanks for the long read and I look forward to your suggestions!

:)

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oh and FYI this is not a legal seperation at all, we are both not even close to taking any type of legal action especially a divorce.

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If you are both serious about making this work then you need to go to counseling.

You said counseling was out of the question, well it better be at the top because there is something deeper that is bothering him & that is what he needs to work on.

 

When me & my W separated my buddy asked me one question that has stuck with me & I'm going to ask you the same. Have you both done everything you can do to make your marriage work?

 

If you say no and I have to answer for your H and say; no then I would suggest not doing the separation, try & work things out first. I feel separation should be the last resort, you both are in the marriage so you should both work it out.

 

I wish you the best with your new child, it sounds like you both will have a lot going....

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That is exactly what have told him, that moving out should be the last resort but he doesn't see it that way unfrotunately. As far as counseling goes, he will go but only if I make him which would defy the point. He's not going to try if I'm pushing him torward it. He sees counseling as a crock and seems to think all they are going to do is tell him what to do. He wants to figure out what to do himself. As I've said before, we don't think it's the end of our marriage, he has told me that he has a lot of questions regarding his life right now and that he can't figure them out being here. I've talked him to until I'm blue in the face about trying to work out our issues, but it's no good. Not that he doesn't want to work things out, simply that he feels like he needs to work out the issues his has with himself first and then work on us. I'm about 99% sure he will come back, we've been seperated before, but that was when he deployed. It's never been voluntary. Anytime we've been apart physically it kills us both , that why I think he's simply going through a mid-life type crisis right now. Too much stress over the past few months and he hasn't dealt with it.

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First suggestion: Tell us how you feel about all this.

 

I'm thinking here is a pregnant woman with two children whose marriage is falling down in front of her and she seems so calm. I'd be a wreck and I've got a generation on you and am a guy :)

 

I'd get some therapy for you. Don't depend on him to decide what you need for yourself. It will help you, especially when all that inside stuff starts coming out.

 

I hope this doesn't seem too harsh, but don't be so quick to believe everything he says. It all sounds too proper, convenient and easy. Is your H really the type of guy to spend his non-working hours meditating, doing yoga, finding himself and clarifying his feelings? I do these things and I know I'm weird :D

 

Anyway, that's one guy's perspective. MC has helped me immeasurably. I hope you can convince him to change his mind about that :)

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LOL thats because I am in a calm mood right now! I have found that by stressing myself and lashing out at him only makes things worse. Trust me, he has heard me scream, yell, cry, pretty much everything but beg him at this point. We have our good days and our bad, the past 2 days have been good, we've had some great talks. He has told me that he does still love me, but he's not "in-love" with me, yadda yadda yadda, lol. I don't believe everything that he says simply because every few days or so he contradicts himself. One day he tells me that he wants to fight for us and the next he literally said that we should just be friends, that he never wanted this level of commitment in his life. So, I'm just as confused as he is about all of this. He's entire reason for leaving is because he wants to know that if he comes back, it was his choice. Not that I guilted him into staying or that he felt obligated. He said he doesn't know who he is anymore. He feels like he has no control in his life whatsoever. And yes he has told me that there is nothing left here, but then the next day he'll say that even if he decided he doesn't want to come back, he would still try tomake it work. He's so confused I'm suprised he still knows how to tie his shoes! LOL And yes, after the baby, I plan on going in for some therapy just for me because I know I'm gonna need it, especially if things turn South. As I told my brother in law, at this point me arguing and trying to persuade him into staying is no good, he needs some support right now. He and I have been together since high school and have a very strong bond that even a divorce would never kill. Anytime I do let my emotions get the better of me and I started asking him how he can do this and thats he's being selfish, all he does is react with his anger and say things that kill me, like the want to be friends line. I don't know, theres so much too this that it's hard to explain all of it. Funny how one simple little incident can wreck havoc in your life. We went from him having feelings for another woman to he thought I was too controlling, to now he doesn't know if he wants to be married or not, LOL. It's been a very long and very emotionally taxing 3 weeks!

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He has told me that he does still love me, but he's not "in-love" with me, yadda yadda yadda, lol.

 

 

Yadda yadda yadda. Your husband is having an affair. Too many red flags. He is on the fence about pursuing this co-worker or staying with you out of obligation cause you are pregnant or guilt (or both). He will keep you warm on the back burner while he preps the other pot. Understand what I am saying? He is NOT interested in working on the marriage. Sorry, but there is only ONE form of love in this world and it's Agape or God's love. Everything else is infatuation or hormones. Let him leave and do what he wishes. It is your job to be the best mother you can be for your kids. Time to see a lawyer and take back control over your life for the sake of your kids. I am not trying to be harsh but this is how I read your posting. You can lead a horse to the pond but you can't make them drink. Let the "horse" go.

 

cyabye

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Yadda yadda yadda. Your husband is having an affair. Too many red flags. He is on the fence about pursuing this co-worker or staying with you out of obligation cause you are pregnant or guilt (or both). He will keep you warm on the back burner while he preps the other pot. Understand what I am saying? He is NOT interested in working on the marriage. Sorry, but there is only ONE form of love in this world and it's Agape or God's love. Everything else is infatuation or hormones. Let him leave and do what he wishes. It is your job to be the best mother you can be for your kids. Time to see a lawyer and take back control over your life for the sake of your kids. I am not trying to be harsh but this is how I read your posting. You can lead a horse to the pond but you can't make them drink. Let the "horse" go.

 

cyabye

 

 

As much as I hate to say it.... I agree.. There is either on ongoing affair or a strong desire for one..

 

....ouch and good luck....

 

Take good care of yourself, believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. Get a lot of support around you. Emotional, financial and legal. You and the kids are going to need it.

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