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Grad school ruining marriage


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My wife is enrolled in a very intense graduate program. The programs dicates her entire week from early morning to late in the evening. Our relationship has become very strained in the past year.

 

We are in our early 30s and she does not work and we don't have kids yet. We're been married 4 years and know each other for 7. She used to be a quiet, confident and polite. That has been replaced with anxiety, anger, bitterness, and hostility. Her graduate program is intense and I respect the amount of time and energy that is needed of her.

 

I have provided her a 4 bedroom house, car, food and everything required. I helped with with financial aid and even cashed in all my savings bonds and bank account for her. We are not rich, but my family has old money and had been able to help.

 

BEFORE we were married, I paid her tution for another graduate program. I bought her a car when her car was repo'ed. I paid for the entire wedding and the honeymoon. Her credit is shot so we're always used mine, and now her medical collections has me on the list too because I am the spouse. Our sex life is a once a month at most.

 

Despite, I have always been there for her. I have always encouraged her. I have always believed and will believe that love will conquer all.

 

Yes, I have some faults and have worked long hours in the past and had a short temper but I have always apologized.

 

She is not not communicate well and admits this.

 

Long story short, here is my concern.

 

Since she has been enrolled in the graduate program, she has become made a good friend who she studies with. They are great for each other and their grades have proved this. However, my wife is always over at her "study buddies" house. They spend 5 hours studying together and on top of the 4-5 hours per day at school together. Her friend is married too and her husband complains of the relationship as well.

 

As you can imagine, I am sick and tired of hearing about her "study buddy". I am sick of her calling my wife. I am sick of my wife spending all of her time over there. My wife has been acting hostile since they spend so much time together and I am afraid that her friend is a bad martial influence.

 

So does this count as an emotional affair? (please spare me the lesbian jokes, they are not having sex)

Edited by 1975ville
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What graduate program is she in? And why did she take on another graduate program after the first one? Does she ever actually plan to do anything with these degrees, like get a job, or is she expecting to be a lifetime student on your nickel?

 

It sounds like she's taking advantage of you, and it sounds like she's been doing this for a long, long time. Perhaps you need to consider what the point is of your marriage? When was the last time your needs were being met?

 

I don't know if her relationship with this other woman is an affair or not, but it sure sounds like this program + that relationship is a disaster for your marriage. It might be time to sit down with her and tell her that your marriage is in serious trouble and ask her whether she wants to do anything about it, or if she intends to just continue as is?

 

She could cut down on her classes per semester so it doesn't take so much of her time. Or she could find a study group so it's not all one on one time with her study partner. Or she could just forget the whole grad school thing because you can't afford it and because it's destroying your marriage, and get on with finding a job and becoming a partner in this marriage instead of a dependent.

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Jackson2008
What graduate program is she in? .

 

My guess is law school.

 

You have every reason to be jealous if her study buddy is a guy, but it's a she and you know they are not doing anything inappropriate. Why not suggest a double date on the weekend?

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Yeah, I have met the "study buddy" and she is married as well. Her husband is an ok guy but due to the situation, I'm kind of sick of hearing about them from my wife.

 

It is a 1 year post-grad nursing program and it is VERY intense with clinical rotations and such.

 

We had a 2 hour discussion last night. It turns out that she is totally stressed about everything. She told me that it is not about me, that I wouldn't understand. She continues to bring up how I was in the past and how she did not like my behavior when I was stressed from work. Yet she DID VERY LITTLE to tell me about it, alert me and communicate her feelings. Now, this is the payback, she said and roles have been reversed.

 

It was weird. At times we connected and then it would shift. I could see the rage in her eyes and she was so bitter and angry. Then within a minute, she smile a little and be her old self "good".

 

I thought the culprit was her "study buddy" but now I think that she has allowed the stress and ambition of the school and study to interfere. Now she told me stress related health problems.

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She could cut down on her classes per semester so it doesn't take so much of her time. Or she could find a study group so it's not all one on one time with her study partner. Or she could just forget the whole grad school thing because you can't afford it and because it's destroying your marriage, and get on with finding a job and becoming a partner in this marriage instead of a dependent.

 

^^^Agreed.

 

Yet she claims that she is studying so hard so she can provide too. She is resentful of the fact that I provide everything. It irritates her yet what am I supposed to do? How do I make her pay for something when we're married? And when she does not have a job?

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The bottom line is that she does not respect me anymore. She used to listen to me then reply, but not she just defends herself and fights.

 

She even fights me when I encourage her. She tries to provoke me.

 

My needs being met?????? Hahahahahhahahahahha Hahahhahaha:laugh::laugh::laugh:.........used to be the internet or imagination......now I don't do anything execept suffer and pray.

 

Hahahhahahhhahahhaha!!!!

 

Hahahhhahhhahahhahhahhahhahhahhhaaaaaa! :laugh::laugh:

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I know when I was in my last year of college I didn't want to be bothered by my wife at all, and she agreed. But I didn't have a study buddy for anyone to be jealous of. Her job will pay in the long run, so I think it will be worth it.

Is her attitude when you talk about it defensive and mocking?

Why don't you have the studying done at your house instead of her friends?

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Max Overclock

I don't want to pass judgment on your situation, but having gone through a Masters program recently myself, I can say without reservation that it takes massive amounts of work and is on times, very stressful.

 

I don't know that her reasons are valid for "passing on the pain" to you, now that your life situations seem to be reversed.

 

I'm thinking couples counseling might not be out of the question here.

 

All the best in any case.

 

Max

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She keeps telling me that this time should be all about her. That she should be #1.

 

She says that everything else should wait, nothing should stand in between her school work. It is all about her.

 

School is #1. Nothing is more important, I am third (sum teritus).

Her Study Buddy #2

Me #3

 

I have a little anxiety and tell her about it, she tells me to get help. I have a injury from running, she says her medical problems are more significant.

 

I DON'T HAVE A MARRIAGE!

 

I AM RAISING A COLLEGE KID!!!!!

 

I constantly give her money, bought her car, pay her tuition, arrange her student loans, encourage her, fight for her, wait for her, tell her it will be okay, and she returns the favor with anger.

 

I asked her if she would be better on her own. Maybe some time off. She said no.

 

"Keep that faith, keep that courage, stick together, stay strong, do not yield, do not flinch, stand up, and we'll make it" I tell her on the phone, she just mutters that she was multi-tasking and didn't listen to me.

 

"Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never" has been my motto but I'm runnning out of steam here. I'm losing her to ambition and pride. There is an apparent overwhelming might from the enemy that is shutting me out.

 

She see through me, I see rage and hate in her pupils. She has been comsumed by her emotions and there is nothing to grasp by darkness. She is close to a nervous breakdown but she wants to continue. When she comes home in the early morning hours, she shakes with fear and anger.

 

I just told here again last night that nobody on this planet will love her more. That I have always been her biggest fan, her biggest supporter, that I am always here for her. To love and support. That my mission on this cosmos is to love, support, cherish and forgive.

 

Yet, I did tell her that she is hurting me. That I don't feel loved. That I feel that I've lost her.

 

I held her hand and she crossed her arms. Her lips were pursed, ready to release the next barb. She paused, she knew she was wrong. She knew the damage she was inflicting.

 

I approached her and told her, again and again. I only saw a slight relenting in her eyes. Only a sliver of hope, a little beacon, a small flame but it was gone in a flash.

 

Her pupils constricted and she narrowed her eyes.

 

She had to study, I was simply a burden. The message I gave was just another lesson like so many she has heard at school. I'm just another box to check.

 

So I don't know if this is over. I am not codependent, I just love and care for her.

 

Where would she go? She has no money, no credit and collections. She was even unable to get a job offer after she applied because of her credit.

 

She said that this is not about me, yet she targets me. Tells me of my faults again and again. Says that I apologize too much? That I'm too quick to admit my faults?!!

 

I'm focused on the solution and she want to wallow in the mire of despair.

 

So what do I do?

 

Should I just focus on my practice(work)? Should I just spend more time in the gym, with sports, Church? Do I need to find more "guy" things to do? I am excellent physical shape, lift and run.

 

I'm at the crossroad here.

Edited by 1975ville
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I don't suppose she'd go to marriage counseling?

 

She sounds very resentful and angry. I don't know your past and what all she's resentful about, but I think she's resentful of being dependent on you but she needs you to pay for everything.

 

I think the two of you will need a lot of time with an objective third party to work through the years and layers of resentment.

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We are essentially living as brother-and-sister....

 

...I am going to just shut down and turn off for a while. I've done enough having given my heart and soul to someone.

 

I can live with the consequences but I'm not going to deny myself. I'm not going to continue to pursue her year after year. I can't bargain with someone to love me. I can't force or bribe love.

 

I am sick of living in a sexless marriage. It is not healthy. If she has little desire to love me or for sex then it is not a marriage. How is this a marriage? What exactly is a marriage? You can't imagine, as a male how difficult it is to live in a sexless marriage without any kind of outlet. (I don't use porn, XXX, self-gratification either)

 

I don't buy this graduate school leaves no room for you crap either. I don't care how insurmountable or overwhelming life can be. That does not mean that a spouse can simply block out the other. They can't just request that the marriage be put on hold.

 

All I'm asking for is a little recognition. A simple kiss on the cheek in the morning.

 

But hey, good luck to her.

 

Try finding someone else. Good luck trying to find someone else who will accept your serious medical condition, who wants to adopt because they can't have kids, who has horrible credit/ medical collections, who had little desire for sex, who will put you in a 4 bedroom house, pays for everything. Finding someone in excellent physical shape who runs marathons. Good luck finding someone who will pull deep six digits annually. Someone who found you without the ability to even pay rent or cover your bills.

 

So if she wants to make school and her career #1 great! Go ahead, see if that career is there for you if you're injured, see if that career will take care of your future kids one day, see what that career will give you on your birthday.

 

Go ahead and have a good taste of the real world. See what its like trying to finance a home loan. Oh, you don't have 5% down and credit score is 100. Oh, can't buy a car cause credit score is shot. Oooh, that sucks. Meet someone else and then realize they're addicted to gambling or sex or drinking, oh well.

 

It will be a long, cold, hard road but hey, we live under the banner of freedom along with choices.

 

Choose away and good luck.

Edited by 1975ville
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Actually, the more I think about it, the better.

 

Shutting down means I can spend more time on me. I've always wanted to learn rock climbing. Also, looking at training for a cycling event. IThere are a few cross country cycling events I'd like to take part in.

 

Now I'll have that time. It will be lonely, but I'll have a life. Meet some new friends.

 

If my wife wants to be part of my life, the offer is still on the table but until then I'm not making any more of an investment.

 

She can just spend all her time in her books, and flip through diagrams, look at fricking charts and graphs.

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corazoncito

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. It's hard from these posts to get an objective sense of what's going on in your marriage, but it doesn't seem good. To be honest, it seems like your wife has checked out.

 

One question that is unclear to me to still, how much social interaction do you have, apart from the time you spend with your wife? I think doing activities that interest you on your own, while your wife studies, may help to ease some of the tension.

 

When I was going through grad school, it was very stressful and time intensive. I often had to ask my husband to give me space so that I could focus on my work. He had been where I was before, so it was easier for him to understand how much pressure I was under.

 

That said, things were NEVER as bad as what you're describing. It definitely sounds like you need some kind of objective third party to help you communicate with each other.

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When is she done graduate school? The reason I ask, is I am guessing that all the stress and stress related issues should resolve themselves then.

 

I know that you have been supportive of your wife but hang on a little longer the end is in sight.

 

You talk about your wife's anger, but your anger at her is rolling in waves off my monitor. Your wife feels your anger and resentment, but realistically what can she do about it right now? It sounds to me like she is hanging on for dear life.

 

I think that you are on to something though, by finding something that you can do for yourself. This will take the pressure off of her and yourself....she can focus on school, and you will focus on something other than being angry at her.

 

Marriages sometimes go through this where one partner's needs takes precedence over the other's. Believe me when I say this to you, this can be worked out, and the marriage can get back on track.

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What "stress related" illness is it?

Kinda wierd esp seeing as she is probably studying all these illnesses- is it bona fide?

I am a health professional and I have always had time for BFs, even made time for a LDR during a year of a very very intensive specialist training programme that included 24hr shifts, nights and weekend work as well as exams. I was earning at the same time too.

 

I can kinda appreciate your Ws situation in the fact that she resents being dependent on you- I have always been ferociously independent, but this year my fiance and i are saving for a house so we are living off his income and saving mine. It means I have to ask him for money, which grates me sometimes, because I feel I need to justify it to him and I resent being dependent on anyone. But we have had a couple of fights about it and talked it through and things are OK now.

 

Its a little different to your situation, but I can see it from both sides- mainly yours.

Your W needs TIME OUT from studying otherwise she will burn out. Thats important for her personally as well as your marriage.

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My resentment just started.

 

You try being 100% behind someone like I have, see how long you last.

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LucreziaBorgia

Its sounding like she has put you in a 'parent' role instead of a 'husband' one, and worse yet it sounds like she feels entitled to that. I'm curious as to see what she will do when grad school is over. It isn't sounding good. It sounds like one of those situations where one spouse puts the other through school and when they get settled into a career and are making good money, they ask for a divorce.

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Its sounding like she has put you in a 'parent' role instead of a 'husband' one, and worse yet it sounds like she feels entitled to that. I'm curious as to see what she will do when grad school is over. It isn't sounding good. It sounds like one of those situations where one spouse puts the other through school and when they get settled into a career and are making good money, they ask for a divorce.

 

^^^^ bingo! That is one of my fears.

 

However, strickly speaking from a asset position, everything is locked up in trust. Any and all assets are impossible to obtain.

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You talk about your wife's anger, but your anger at her is rolling in waves off my monitor. Your wife feels your anger and resentment, but realistically what can she do about it right now? It sounds to me like she is hanging on for dear life.

 

No kidding.

 

I've just recently become fed up after such giving, giving, and giving. It is not healthy. When one become frustrated, they become angry. I am a human.

 

Her entire personality has changed and a long time ago. I have tried everything for a months and months. I have been patient. I have asked to talk with her. She has made promises, then forgot them. Nothing has worked.

 

So....I'm just going to shut down. Of course, she'll get angry about that too. Blame me for not being supportive, etc.

 

I am sick of being in 3rd place.

 

I can't win.

Edited by 1975ville
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No kidding.

 

I've just recently become fed up after such giving, giving, and giving. It is not healthy. When one become frustrated, they become angry. I am a human.

 

Her entire personality has changed and a long time ago. I have tried everything for a long time. Nothing has worked.

 

So....I'm just going to shut down. Of course, she get pissed off about that too. Blame me for not being supportive, etc.

 

I can't win.

 

Of course you can win! Do you honestly think you are the only one who has gone through this?

 

I'm not going to give you the details, but I walked in your shoes for about nine freaking long years. My issue wasn't school but job hours.

 

I ranted, raged, left, came back, gave up, fell out of love, gained weight, lost weight, and fell back in love....been there and done that.

 

I'm not trying to appear to be unsympathetic to your situation, but sometimes the smallest things or gestures can turn a situation around in the blink of an eye.

 

What changed for me? I literally got my own life within the marriage, and he got to a place where the hours weren't so god awful.

 

How about calling a truce for a week or a month and see where things go?

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they get settled into a career and are making good money, they ask for a divorce.

 

Well, I can't stop her. And I certainly can bargain or reason for love. I'd hate to see her go and don't believe in divorce for religious purposes, but I'm not going to let it destroy my life. I don't and can't control her.

 

This is my life and I'm not going to let someone else manage my emotions and expectations. I'm in my early 30s, with a great career ahead of me, with an awesome house, in a great part of town and in excellent physical shape.

 

What happens, happens. I just want her to make her mind if she is with me or not. I get the sense that she loves me but she won't fight for me. She has too much pride that came from somewhere before we met. She's always had this wall. She admit she won't communicate.

 

She only has a few more months of school but then she has a major certification that will require the majority of the summer, then she'll have to acclimate to her job......it just goes on and on.

 

When I started my profession, I had intense stress and emotional turmoil. Sometimes I'd bill late into the morning but I'd always apologize and make it up to her. I always told her it wouldn't be much longer and let her know she was #1.

 

She has not done the same.

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Of course you can win! Do you honestly think you are the only one who has gone through this?

 

I'm not going to give you the details, but I walked in your shoes for about nine freaking long years. My issue wasn't school but job hours.

 

A truce?! The implies there was a conflict, argue, debate, yelling. etc.

 

You don't get it, WE ARE NOT FIGHTING. I have been enduring her rage for a long time.

 

As for 9 years you endured, I ask why did it last that long?

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A truce?! The implies there was a conflict, argue, debate, yelling. etc.

 

You don't get it, WE ARE NOT FIGHTING. I have been enduring her rage for a long time.

 

As for 9 years you endured, I ask why did it last that long?

 

Because I had children, and in spite of the hours, he was/is a good man.

 

He never crossed my proverbial line in the sand that I had--but believe me, I was waiting for him to do it.

 

I can see that I'm not giving you the advice that you need, so I am going to wish you the best with your situation.

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A truce?! The implies there was a conflict, argue, debate, yelling. etc.

 

You don't get it, WE ARE NOT FIGHTING. I have been enduring her rage for a long time.

 

As for 9 years you endured, I ask why did it last that long?

 

Yeah, I was wondering about the 9 years, as well. One of the many problems my H and I have is him being a workaholic. I can't imagine enduring it for 9 years. Then again, like I said, we have many other issues we are dealing with. Maybe I'm just really impatient.

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