Leaving my husband!!! Cheated on him!!! Fell in love!!! Very !!!

[jdaniels79]

Ok. Here is my story. I have been married to my husband now for 7 years. We have three girls. 10 years old(mine from a previous relationship), 7 years old and a 1 year old. My husband and I have always had problems with communication and I have been very unhappy for quit a while. I started cheating on him with a neighboor who was also a good friend of both of ours. This has been going on for a while. My husband found out about a month ago and was torn up about it. He wanted to work it out but I told him 'no' that I wanted a divorce and have been unhappy. He will not let me go and sometimes I wonder if I'm making a mistake but I fell in love with this other guy and even when I took a step back from both of them I wanted this other person. Everyone keeps telling me I am wrong and I'm hurting my kids but they don't see the full picture. They have not seen how things are were at home. In my opinion, It would be doing my husband and kids wrong to continue in a relationship I am not happy in. Won't thet pick up on my unhappiness. My husband keeps saying that he will change but why now? I have been begging him for years to show me more affection, quit going out all the time and spend time with us (kids and I), etc. and he always made comments like "You need to quit bitching." I don't know what will come of me and this other man. I do love him and he has indicated he loves me but I know in these situations that sometimes it is the excitment that is loved the most so it is not because of him that I have decided to leave my husband. At least, I don't think so. I am so confused. I still do love my husband but do not feel in love with him but I also love this other man and have felt more passion for him than I ever have about anybody. It's like I am torn. Don't know what to do anymore. Is there anybody who has went through anything like this that can give me some advice?

[jmargel]

JDaniels.. I hope others on here aren't mean, but alot of people on here have been cheated on. I will keep neutral stance on this.

 

What you were lacking in your husband you found in this OM, however IMO this lacking could have been found in alot of men. You two just were trying to fulfill each others needs that should have been filled by your spouse.

 

Does that mean your spouse doesn't love you? No. What it means is the communication between you two got so bad that the foundation of your marriage was starting to crack. And it did tumble when you decided to cheat. Often, it's viewed as the 'easy' way out, however you were beyond frustration and felt you could not get your point across to him. I think you did now make this point very clear. We often get so comfortable with each other, we take each other for granted. It's not until we just about lose them that we realize how lazy we've become in the relationship.

 

that sometimes it is the excitment that is loved the most

 

That is so true, because at some point if you continue this relationship to the next level with this guy, you will run into the same problems as you did with your husband. Think back when you met your husband, he made you feel the way you feel now with this new guy. However if you move in with this new guy, you will see his bad habits, his 'true' personality and the excitement and newness will wear off. The novelty of it all will end and realization will hit you very, very hard. Not only you but your children, who have to go through this war. That is what it is like for them, a battle among 3 adults. It will affect them the rest of their lives.

 

Don't stay in a relationship for your children, however I don't believe both you and your husband have given this marriage a chance. Counseling, and the ability to get to the root of the problems, and the ability to be given the chance to allow yourselves to communicate better which each other is needed. Above everyone and everything, the marriage deserves that chance. This OM also needs to do the same with his wife.

 

We know you've been hurt and neglected and you sought refuge somewhere else. It's good that this OM was a friend, however taking it to the next step was not the best idea. Alot of times things have to hit 'rock bottom' before they get better, I think your marriage, your family have hit this. It's time to rebuild. You say you love your husband, that's the starting point to get things better again. The solution is not this other man.

[Tripper]

Yeah, far away hills are greener.

Having an affair is not like real life. There are no bills to pay, housework to do or kids to look after. It's stolen moments, excitement and dreams. Statistics show that very few affairs successfully end with the cheater and the OM/OW getting together long term. Something like 3%.

 

If you are going to leave your M, leave it because you are unhappy and you have tried to salvage it through MC etc. Don't leave because you have an emotional attachment to another person in the picture.

 

Also you have children. Their happiness and stability should be paramount. In this day and age the parents act to selfishly in wanting what they think makes them happy and not what's best for the kids. You brought them into the world now you need to do what's best for them. So you better think about that.

 

My post may seem a bit harsh, but if you read enough threads on this board you'll see yours is a common story and most of the affairs end up just another broken dream. You may be the exception but I wouldn't count on it.

[guessjeans]

I was never cheated on, but I know enough and read enough, to know, that affairs next to never work! They bring two lonely ppl together that are lacking something from their marriages, they get caught up in the moment and think hey! this guy relates to me more, can understand me more, loves me more, doesnt judge me, yaddie yaddie ya! heard it all from both sexes.

 

You are about to lose everything you have, everything that took you years to work towards. And you will regret this, i guarantee it. He will dump you! He will...99% sure of that! Then guess what?? Time and distance makes your ex hubby start looking good again. Why? maybe he is shed a couple of pounds, grown as a person because of this experience you are currently putting you and your children through, and not to mention, he has NOW FOUND a new woman! Yep...he is now touching someone else, his pillow talk is about how he has trust issues because his first wife cheated on him, your life will now to discussed during quiet times, he will be telling her he loves her! And you? Oh im sure he will always loves you, but he will never consider allowing you back into his life again.

 

Think of all those lonely times you are going to spend. Family gatherings where you yearn to have your family back together, but know, it will never be again. Christmas eve sitting there by yourself while your ex has your children with his new wife, and you are sitting at home staring into a lighted christmas tree wishing you had done things differently.

 

I dont know how he could even touch you again. You have tainted his love for you.

 

Karma! What you have done is going to cost you, your secure future, your children and a very loving man. You will be left with nothing, but a lot of lonely nights, while your ex, will be celebrating his new life, with his kids around him, and his lovely new wife.

[Confused9]

 

Karma! What you have done is going to cost you, your secure future, your children and a very loving man. You will be left with nothing, but a lot of lonely nights, while your ex, will be celebrating his new life, with his kids around him, and his lovely new wife.

 

 

It's funny, I was cheated on...but I feel this. I feel lonely, I feel less secure about my future. He is celebrating his new life, his new love. I am here crying, missing him. I think Karma switched people by accident and gave me his.

 

Sorry to hijack threads...

[JamesM]

I was never cheated on, but I know enough and read enough, to know, that affairs next to never work!

 

 

 

Karma! What you have done is going to cost you, your secure future, your children and a very loving man. You will be left with nothing, but a lot of lonely nights, while your ex, will be celebrating his new life, with his kids around him, and his lovely new wife.

 

I agree with this. While there may be a small percentage of affairs that become a LTR, it hardly is a grounds for basing your future upon.

 

I predict the same as guessjeans did. You will look back at this with regret.

 

If your marriage is unhappy, then either resolve the issues or leave. However, jumping from the frying pan into the fire is not the way to do that.

 

This guy may seem like the perfect man for you, but since your relationship began in deceit, the probability is that as you progress, you will find a lack of trust for each other.

[whichwayisup]

You owe it to your children to give your marriage one last shot. Did you and your husband go to marriage counselling and really try to fix things? To change? To really make an effort to understand eachother, try to recapture what brought you folks together in the first place?

 

Get some counselling to figure this out before you up and divorce.

[daisygirl]

JDaniels-

 

I am certainly not one to give advice, as I am in a similar situation. However, my affair was only emotional and I inititated NC (no contact) with the other man so I could really see what I want. I stopped it before either of us fell in love, so I am lucky in that aspect. Still hurt feelings and tears, but love was a long ways away for us. I just didn't want to be leaving my husband just because I felt a "connection" with the OM. It's only been about 2 1/2 weeks since I cut off contact with the OM, so I still have a long way to go. I, like you, was unhappy in my marriage before the EA. But I HAD to make sure that if my husband and I do get divorced, it's not because of another person. It was hard to end the affair, but I am glad now that I did it. I don't feel any closer to my husband, but at least the OM is not in the picture anymore.

 

Are you still in contact with the OM? He's your neighbor, so that would be difficult, or impossible, to have no contact. But my advice is to end the affair, if you haven't already, and try MC with your husband. Like I said, I am not one to give advice, but this is my suggestion for you. I still feel like I want to leave my husband (not for the OM, but just because I was unhappy for a long time), but I don't want to leave knowing that I didn't try everything I possibly could and then regret it later on.

 

And one more thing, the other posters may have a point in that relationships from affairs rarely work out, but that doesn't mean you'll end up lonely like the other post said. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. I just don't think it's fair to assume that just because you had an affair, the rest of your life is doomed.

 

I'm here if you ever have any questions or want to vent.

Edited March 6, 2008 by daisygirl

[daisygirl]

 

 

It's funny, I was cheated on...but I feel this. I feel lonely, I feel less secure about my future. He is celebrating his new life, his new love. I am here crying, missing him. I think Karma switched people by accident and gave me his.

 

Sorry to hijack threads...

 

It won't always be this way for you. You will find someone who deserves you and respects you. I've never been cheated on, so I can't speak from experience, but I am sorry you are going through this.

[Confused9]

I hope so Daisy. I really do.

 

It seems like I will be lonely forever.

[LucreziaBorgia]

JDaniels, it sounds like you are looking for that knight in shining armor to whisk you away in an escape from what you know. Just understand this - freedom can look awful good to someone who feels trapped, and often we map a lot of false hope and wishful thinking, not to mention a healthy dose of fantasy onto what is really out there waiting for you. Make sure you are running toward someone, and not away from someone else. You'll find out the difference soon enough, I guess.

[jdaniels79]

I really appreciate everybody's advice. I will say that it would be the same advice I would give if I were on the outside looking in but it is different now that I am in this situation myself. I have always hated people who have cheated on their spouses. Maybe I am being punished for having such a judgemental attitude. I have begged my husband for years for us to go to MC. He refused saying that we didn't need it. I continuously told him what I was lacking in our marriage and indicated to him that I was uphappy. He was very offensive everytime I told him these things. I am not a perfect wife and have never claimed to be but he would immediately jump down my throat saying "Oh, so I'm the ****ty husband and you are perfect and you're unhappy. Poor thing!" I got sick off it. I sounded like a broken record and I will admit that it was wrong for me to have an affair to begin with. Me developing feelings of love for the OM (as you all call him) is something that happened unexpectedly. Maybe you all are right. Maybe the grass is not greener on the other side but what if I'm giving up on true love. Everyone keeps telling me how selfish I am and I'm not thinking of the kids. No, I have no intentions of running to this OM but at the same time I would like to see where it goes. I have thought it through and through and even if he were not in the picture I don't think I want things to work out with my husband. He has indicated he wants MC now but why after the years I begged for it? Why did it take this to make him see what has become of our marriage? I'm so afraid that if I work on this that 3 months down the road we will be in the same boat and the kids will have to go through the hurt all over again. I feel like the wounds are too fresh right now. He wants to work it out now because he is hurt but what happens down the road when the anger kicks in and he can never trust me again. He is the type to throw everything in my face and would never let me live it down. What kind of marriage would that be? What if I can't get over the OM? What if I can't forgive myself for what I've done? I hate that I hurt my husband. It honest to god hurts worse to hurt someone else than it does to be hurt by someone. I just feel numb sometimes. Don't know what decision is the best one. My feelings for this OM are so strong that even if I worked on my marriage I don't think I could give him up. I have never been one to fall in love with someone just over excitement even as a teenager. I dated a lot before I got married and had some serious relationships and can honestly say I was only in love with one other person before my current husband and he was the only person I even said the "L" word to. In saying that, I do feel like my feelings are real. The OM, by the way, is not married just to clarify that. I feel like I can trust him in that his feelings are real too. As said above.... only time will tell but does it really matter if that is not the reason I'm leaving my husband? That's not to say I wouldn't be heartbroken if it turned out to be just for the excitement but I made my bed, right?

[Arch]

lol, its just a fling soon after your divorce the so called "OM" will drop you and find someone else, your just a tool for his fun.

 

Also stop saying you love your husband/kids, if you cared about them at all you wouldn't have done what you did.

 

**** people show some restraint.

[noforgiveness]

I hate cheating. I hate it with a passion although it sounds like you are really unhappy in your marriage.

 

Maybe you should separate from your husband but big but here also do not talk to the other man. Take a break. examine your feelings. See where you really are. If during this seperation you decide you want to see the other man then you must tell your husband first your intentions so he can also date. Live your life as a single parent. Watch the heartbreak of your children as you and their dad seperate. Stop dreaming of what life can be and see what it will do to your family unit. Tell the parents tell the inlaws you are seperating. Also decide who gets the kids for the first holiday. If that doesn't wake you up to the devastation you are about to enter then you are doing what you need to.

[whichwayisup]

. I have begged my husband for years for us to go to MC. He refused saying that we didn't need it. I continuously told him what I was lacking in our marriage and indicated to him that I was uphappy. He was very offensive everytime I told him these things

 

So, why didn't you just tell him, "it's either marriage counselling or we divorce." By choosing to cheat, well - You've made your life much more difficult and it's going to be FILLED with drama and a non stop rollercoaster ride. Sure it would have been painful to end your marriage, or even separate, but atleast it would have been the honest approach, instead of staying married, enjoying the benefits of having your home, lifestyle, family under one roof, your hubby bringing in the greenbacks AND you get to have someone on the side. Sorry to sound harsh, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what ANYONE here thinks or says. What matters is how you either come clean to your husband and/or end your marriage.

 

IF you are as miserable as you seem, don't you think your husband deserves to be with a woman who will adore and love only him? Either fix your marriage, or set him free. To have two men is really unfair and it's a betrayal, not only to your husband, but your children as well.

[emotionally_barren]

Simply put, two wrongs don't make a right. Cheating is not an option. If your husband wasn't "doing it" for you, and you couldn't take it anymore, you do the following:

 

1. Leave Him
   
2. Start the divorce proceedings
   
3. Get the divorce
   
4. Have sex with the man that is not your husband

You know why the divorce rate is so high these days? Because it's all about the individual these days. It's me, me, me.

[jmargel]

No, I have no intentions of running to this OM but at the same time I would like to see where it goes

 

Yes you are. You are contradicting yourself.

 

Any relationship that starts in distress will end in distress. I'm not saying the relationship with this OM would fail if you go that path, but statistics show that over 95% of them do. You are in the 'puppy dog love' stage with this OM, where neither of you two can do wrong. You don't know the 'true' him, and you won't for years down the road.

 

Life doesn't come with an instruction book, we don't know what it will give us on the next page. You might goto MC and it might fail like what your fears are, or it might actually change him for good and you will realize a love with him that you never thought could happen. We can't predict the future, if we could we wouldn't have made our own mistakes.

 

In regards to the past on why your husband didn't want MC, that relates to the communication that broken down between you two. Like I said that doesn't mean he didn't love you, but he took you for granted. He got too comfortable with you, just like in many ways you probably did with him. The problems in your marriage did not stem all from him, so please don't try to act like you were innocent in this.

 

When you started developing feeling for this OM, at that exact point that's when you were stealing away from your marriage. Right at that point, the problems you and your husband had were expontentially increased. You stole time, emotion, love from your marriage the second you decided to see what was down this road with this OM.

 

It's almost like you are thinking that you are guaranteeing yourself a good life with this OM, when that is the farthest thing from the truth. There are no guarantees.

 

I also don't understand that you say you love your husband but that you don't want to try MC with him. This MC will also help you detox from this OM.

 

Right now it's hard for you to make decisions because of the influence you are getting, and the fact that you are so deep into the situation.

[john30]

You know why the divorce rate is so high these days? Because it's all about the individual these days. It's me, me, me.

 

That's so true.

 

John.

[carhill]

OP, try IC and/or FC for you and the kids and go NC with the OM. The combination should give you some perpective on both your current psychology and the players here. If you're willing to look hard at yourself, you will find clarity. If your husband wants to go to MC, by all means do so. Don't punish him now that he's willing. Doing so doesn't mean "he wins". Your family's future is at stake here. You will make decisions and IMO you need the clarity and confidence in you and those decisions in order to move forward.

 

There may be a reason why you "feel a passion for OM you've never felt before". I'll opine that it is because you're more mature and have the full emotional life experience to have such feelings. It may be true that you never felt that way about your husband; that you loved him and was passionate about him as much as you could be at the time. People change. I wouldn't use the passion as a barometer.

 

Oh, since you're new in case you don't know the shorthand:

IC= individual counseling

FC= family counseling

OM= other man

NC= no contact

 

IMO, NC with the OM is critical. If there is indeed passion and your marriage does end, you'll find your way back to each other

[sadhubby]

my wife said there was no passion fell for the other mans garbage and when he was done he didnt even tell her it was over !!! she regrets it all now . 2 months you will wish you had your family back green grass looks good dont it.