Completely heart broken and lost...

[devastated402]

So, I found out tonight that my wife of almost 5 years has feelings for another woman. She flat out said shes in love with her, or thinks she is. Shes known this woman for 2 years, but just recently started hanging out with her. She said the "real" feelings started about 2 months ago.

 

Now, a month into this 2 month thing, she dropped a bomb on me talking about separation. However, she says it had nothing to do with her new found "love" interest. We've had problems in the past, but who hasnt right? I didnt think the problems we had were as monumental as to amount to an outright divorce. So, when she dropped that bomb on me I was devastated.....

 

I broke down into tears and begged and pleaded with her to try and work things out. That things could be different and that I can be a changed man. Now, this is completely out of character for me, I dont beg anything of anyone and im pretty much the kind of dude that doesnt bat an eye at much. But this killed me.

 

So, for a month straight now, ive been this new man. I did a complete 180 and thought things were going great. Then i get this new bomb dropped on me tonight.......and I feel like a beaten dog whos now been ran over by the family car. Im so lost, so confused, and so hurt its unbearable. I found myself googling "my wife cheated on me with another woman" and came across this web board. I dont know what to do, who to turn to, or anything. I asked her "so are we getting a divorce?" And she said she needed a few days to sort things out and get her head right.

 

What does that mean? Does that mean theres hope? I love her so much, that not only and im sitting here typing things to people that I have no idea who they are, but that id be willing to look past this 2 month moment of weakness on her part and get us back to us. I realize that I wasnt there 100% emotionally like I should have been, but im trying to make amends for those past transgressions. Is it too late? She says she loves me, but shes not IN love with me, and she says that she doesnt want to be with me anymore. Is that it then?

 

Or are those words just how shes feeling now? Is this female filling the emotional void that I left in her? I mean, no offense to anyone who swings this way, but the girl looks very manly. So, I dont think it has anything to do with looks or physicalness. I think its the emotions that females can show each other that males just cant, or that we males lack.

 

I dont know what to do, or what to say. Should I start looking for legal advice? She wont straight up tell me she wants a divorce. Please, people I dont know, give me some advice. Your words are about as unbiased as I'll ever find and Im about at my ropes end..... thanks....

[bestadvisor]

Affairs lives on secrecy just like we do on air and water. Your wife is currently living in la la land with all the fantasies. You need to bring her down to reality and that's done through exposure. Expose it to anyone whom your wife respect, including her parents, her friends, her co-workers, her supervisor (yes, including her work if you want to safe your marriage). At the same time, continue doing what you're doing which are improving yourself and be kind to her.

 

Will she be mad that you expose her affair, ofcourse, but her affair is going to take a toll and lots of pressure from the outside and it will crumbling down soon most of the time when it's exposed.

[devastated402]

Affairs lives on secrecy just like we do on air and water. Your wife is currently living in la la land with all the fantasies. You need to bring her down to reality and that's done through exposure. Expose it to anyone whom your wife respect, including her parents, her friends, her co-workers, her supervisor (yes, including her work if you want to safe your marriage). At the same time, continue doing what you're doing which are improving yourself and be kind to her.

 

Will she be mad that you expose her affair, ofcourse, but her affair is going to take a toll and lots of pressure from the outside and it will crumbling down soon most of the time when it's exposed.

 

Ok. Well, i think ive exposed it as much as it going to be. I called her mother, not intending to "point fingers" but to ask for advice and to see if theres anything I should be doing or could do to fix this. So she knows. I know her other friend (she only has 2) knows as of tonight as well, because she said she told her. Ive also talked to both of my parents. So, i think ive exposed it as much as I possibly can. Other than tell her boss... I guess.

 

Admittedly I cant say I was too nice about it when I found out the way I did. From a third party (the husband of the woman shes seeing). But we talked for hours and hours about it. She said shes not sure if this is what she wants, she thinks it could be just a phase, or it could be real. She sounded so confused tonight, I never heard her say "i dunno" so much in the entire 6 years we've been together.

 

I just feel so helpless...... if thats the right discription. I feel like all this is going on and im this blind love sick puppy dog that has no say in anything. I was reading in another thread that maybe detachment might be a good idea. Would it?

 

Im so confused.... i feel like my heart is beating out of my chest and that its on fire. Physically, ive been in pain quite a bit in my life, but ive never felt a pain like this before ever.

[bestadvisor]

She's married too? What's her husband doing about it? Has he expose it to her work, her family? Have you expose it to your W's work?

[devastated402]

She's married too? What's her husband doing about it? Has he expose it to her work, her family? Have you expose it to your W's work?

 

Yeah, shes married too. The really messed up part is that my wife is the one that told her that she had feelings for her. This is causing the other woman to have problems with her marriage too now.

 

But wouldnt exposing the relationship to my wifes work, make her hate me? Wouldnt that be counter productive to the "being nice" thing? I dont want her to hate me. I just want her back.

[bestadvisor]

Yeah, shes married too. The really messed up part is that my wife is the one that told her that she had feelings for her. This is causing the other woman to have problems with her marriage too now.

 

But wouldnt exposing the relationship to my wifes work, make her hate me? Wouldnt that be counter productive to the "being nice" thing? I dont want her to hate me. I just want her back.

 

Yes, she will hate you for exposing it to her work, but keep in mind that with the other woman in the picture, your marriage has almost no chance. Their affair needs outside pressure in order to end. Still, you have to consider how important her job is...will she find anther job if she got fired or quit? You have to decide, what's more important, her job or your marriage?

 

I can't imagine either of these two women being proud about the affair and they are trying to keep it as secret as they can. Exposing will bring reality into their la la land. Counter productive? No, you continue your niceness except the exposure. If she gets mad, be calm and tell her you're doing it only to save your marriage.

[devastated402]

Yes, she will hate you for exposing it to her work, but keep in mind that with the other woman in the picture, your marriage has almost no chance. Their affair needs outside pressure in order to end. Still, you have to consider how important her job is...will she find anther job if she got fired or quit? You have to decide, what's more important, her job or your marriage?

 

I can't imagine either of these two women being proud about the affair and they are trying to keep it as secret as they can. Exposing will bring reality into their la la land. Counter productive? No, you continue your niceness except the exposure. If she gets mad, be calm and tell her you're doing it only to save your marriage.

 

Geez........ this sounds so bad to me though. I dont know if im ready to do something like that. It feels really wrong. But, on the other hand, Id be willing to do anything to save us. Anything at all.

[bestadvisor]

Geez........ this sounds so bad to me though. I dont know if im ready to do something like that. It feels really wrong. But, on the other hand, Id be willing to do anything to save us. Anything at all.

 

How wrong can it be? More wrong than her cheating on you? Probably not, especially when you're doing it not for selfish reasons and not for selt gratification, but to safe the marriage and reacting to her cheating and preventing it from going any further.

[dgiirl]

Geez........ this sounds so bad to me though. I dont know if im ready to do something like that. It feels really wrong. But, on the other hand, Id be willing to do anything to save us. Anything at all.

 

Do what feels comfortable to you. They say exposure helps end an affair, but at the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with yourself. I don't know if exposing it to work is necessary, unless she works with this woman. Mind you, I never exposed my exh's affair, and now I'm divorced But I really do not think exposing it would have had any effect.

[Missy27]

Hey devastated

 

Best Advisor doesn't REALLY know what she's talking about - be very careful with her advice as she has had absolutely NO experience in these things and usually advises people to do things that are self destructive. I think she gets off on it ~ Exposure IS used as a weapon to end an affair ~ but its part of a carefully executed plan when trying to completely seperate the cheating spouse from the OM/OW ~ it requires research and guidance and shouldn't necessarily be loosly branded as the "remedy" to fixing infidelity within a marriage ~ and at the moment ~ let's be honest D ~ you haven't really got anything to expose have you ? ~ Dgirls right though ~ you have to so what feels comfortable to you.

 

At present ~ there's no factual evidence that anything intimate is going on with your W and this OW ~ (although I am not ruling out the possibility) ~ so your main priority at the moment is working out where your marriage is at and where you stand with things ~ let your W have her few days to "sort her head out" ~ let her re-group ~ it might not be a bad idea for you to use the time to do the same ~ then see where things stand.

[Mz. Pixie]

Do what feels comfortable to you. They say exposure helps end an affair, but at the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with yourself. I don't know if exposing it to work is necessary, unless she works with this woman. Mind you, I never exposed my exh's affair, and now I'm divorced But I really do not think exposing it would have had any effect.

 

Okay, I'm usually all for exposure but you're in a different spot here. Your wife is having a lesbian affair- and you have to know you could jeopardize her employment if you expose to work. Yes, she made the choice to cheat on you but do you really want her to lose her job???

 

I have an extremely close friend who is a lesbian. There are married people- men and women- all over the world who are secretly homosexual. They get married in the attempts to force themselves to be hetero- and because it is so much easier. Because it's the norm. To avoid telling their parents and coming out of the closet because of the shame and the pain.

 

There are extremely feminine lesbians as well as butch and no single person is going to be attracted to the same thing. My friend wouldn't be caught dead with someone butch- she prefers the feminine ladies as she is one herself.

 

Your wife may be actually be homosexual or she could just be experimenting.

 

I will have to tell you though, even though I'm hetero, I truly believe that only a woman really understands another woman emotionally- which is what is so appealing about having a relationship with a woman in the first place.

 

If she is truly homosexual she is probably not coming back, I hate to say it.

If she's just experimenting, perhaps. I'm basing my opinion on things I've learned from my friend- and all of her lesbian friends.

 

I'm sorry that you're in this position. It's incredibly painful and embarrassing. However I do not think exposing her as a homosexual at her workplace is going to endear you to her.

 

I wish I could give you better news...............

[redblack66]

Hey devastated

 

Best Advisor doesn't REALLY know what she's talking about - be very careful with her advice as she has had absolutely NO experience in these things and usually advises people to do things that are self destructive. I think she gets off on it ~ Exposure IS used as a weapon to end an affair ~ but its part of a carefully executed plan when trying to completely seperate the cheating spouse from the OM/OW ~ it requires research and guidance and shouldn't necessarily be loosly branded as the "remedy" to fixing infidelity within a marriage ~ and at the moment ~ let's be honest D ~ you haven't really got anything to expose have you ? ~ Dgirls right though ~ you have to so what feels comfortable to you.

 

Missy is right. I went through this stage. Here is what I think, I might be wrong, as I am fresh in this "business."

 

If you expose the affair to punish your partner, don't even bother.

 

If you expose the affair if you believe that this is the right thing to do, and you act with honor and integrity, then read and study about affairs and what to do about them before you do anything.

 

If you feel that exposing it may end up the affair, I doubt that this will happen. So, if the purpose of exposing it is to help ending it,

I would forget about doing this.

[devastated402]

Well you all, thanks for your advice and kind words. Im glad this site is around because it got me through a painful painful evening. Unfortunately, I got another bomb dropped on me today. She flat out said she is not in love with me, doesnt want to be with me, and doesnt see her ever changing how she feels about me. I asked the "other thing" to back off, and she approached my wife and told she would do so.... My wife in turn replied to her....

 

"I wont let you do that, I love you and I want to be with you......." Those words rang in my mind and my heart all day. I have truly lost her. Sadness, self pity, self loathing, ive dealt with it all today. Wishing I could have gone back and fixed things a long time ago, wishing wishing wishing........ thats what ive done all day today.

 

Ive got a pretty good support group of friends, so thats helping. But, at the end of the day, when I need desperately to cry on a shoulder.... i have no one. She has someone that fills that spot for her, but not me. So, ive been maximizing my time with my son and loving every minute of it today.

 

As the hours have rolled by today, i have let myself accept it. I have peace for fleeting moments, then sadness and depression roll back through... rinse and repeat. Its done, and I have to accept it and move on. Now, after the holidays are over (which is something we have agreed on) we will start the divorce process.

 

I pray (and im not into that stuff) that this can change. That in the process she'll change her mind and everything can work back to where it was. I know I sound like a fool, but id be willing to take her back if it meant we can work it out. I think that maybe, after this stuff is said and done, she'll realize that we had the most special thing two people ever had, and admit her mistake and come back to me. I even fantasize about welcoming her back with open arms and warm smiles....... but I think this just wont be the case.

 

Again, thanks for all the help yall. I really appreciate this group of strangers who offer their advice and thoughts to another stranger. I'll keep you all updated as the days go by.....

 

I will say, that today, when I got home from work. I took my son over to my buddys house and we hung out there with him and his kids and wife (i just couldnt be in my home). My wife got home and the house was dark and quiet. She immediately called me wondering where we were. I took a sick kind of pleasure at the fact that she didnt like coming home to an empty house. I know thats probably bad, but in my mind, its a small victory for me in some sort of twisted way.

 

Thanks again all, and I'll keep you all posted...

[redblack66]

I asked the "other thing" to back off, and she approached my wife and told she would do so.... My wife in turn replied to her....

 

"I wont let you do that, I love you and I want to be with you......." Those words rang in my mind and my heart all day.

 

I am sorry, but I could not figure out who said what.

[bestadvisor]

I just want to say that I didn't say exposure is the ONLY way, but it certainly is a very effective way in many instances. Once again, I stated: "Still, you have to consider how important her job is...will she find anther job if she got fired or quit? You have to decide" meaning you have to do what's right.

 

Start making a list of people of influence in wife's life and this include family members, co-workers, etc. Maks sure you also include the OW's parents on this list. Contact these people and tell them your wife is about to leave your marriage because of the affair. You will inform them that you are fighting for your family and ask for their support. You have to know that this is NOT about revenge, but is about exposing the truth and hopefully finding some allies to apply pressure to your wife or the OW to do the right thing. The purpose of exposure is to bring the ugliness of the affair out into the light of day. This takes fantasy out of it and they will start seeing the reality of it.

 

Because this is a lesbian affair between two married women, the pressure from outside is going to be huge and chances are if it's exposed, they will lose tons of support from family, friends, etc. and the affair will suffer.

[devastated402]

I am sorry, but I could not figure out who said what.

 

Oh sorry, that was her saying that to her "girlfriend."

 

Annnnnnnnnway........ todays update:

 

Last night, she attempted to sleep in the bed with me. I told her that she is not only not welcomed in my bed, but that I did not want her around me. She cheated and shredded my heart, and I just couldnt have her near me. So, she spent the evening alone downstairs.

 

Fast forward to today, she called me saying that she broke everything off with her "girlfriend." Now, what is funny is that she told me she had made this decision and had not talked to her girl yet; this was about 1030 this morning. Well, ive actually be in contact with the girls husband and he told me that his wife said that she called mine at 730 this morning to break it off with her...... Kind of interesting isnt it? That she had this profound change of heart (supposedly) on her own and hadnt spoken to her girl yet? I think not.

 

Another thing is the girls husband threatened to expose their little "thing" to everyone at their work (they work together). This is what made his wife want to change her mind. So, it looks like the thought of being exposed as a lesbian meant more to her to hide then staying with my wife.

 

Oh what a tangled web we weave huh? Lies, fake people, more lies, screwed up emotions.... its all here.

 

What I find the most interesting, is why did she even need to call me and tell me she broke it off with her girl? If she had made this decision to divorce me (like she says she did) before she even started having feelings for this girl. What difference would it make? You know? What difference would it make in the divorce of me?

[bestadvisor]

Another thing is the girls husband threatened to expose their little "thing" to everyone at their work (they work together).

 

Exposure works alot of times, but sometimes,even the threat of exposure will do. Keep your eyes open; now they might just take it underground.

 

Oh what a tangled web we weave huh? Lies, fake people, more lies, screwed up emotions.... its all here.

 

Those are all common characteristics of cheaters.

 

What I find the most interesting, is why did she even need to call me and tell me she broke it off with her girl? If she had made this decision to divorce me (like she says she did) before she even started having feelings for this girl. What difference would it make? You know? What difference would it make in the divorce of me?

 

You were her backup. Now, you got the power, don't abuse it, but use it effectively. First, you need to work on yourself; improve yourself as a better person and husband. If you really want to work on your marriage, get into counseling. Make a list of things you want her to change and ask her to do the same.

 

Evaluate whether she's really whom you want to be with for the rest of your life, and make sure you take all things into consideration.

 

Can what happened in the past few months happen again in few more months with someone else assuming they did end their affair?

[devastated402]

Well, another new update for you all....

 

From what I can tell, and what shes told me, the entire thing with the other girl is completely done. She is 100% out of the picture. So she says, and so I hope....

 

As for my wife, she says shes still confused and now has had her heart broken twice. But, now shes opening up to the idea of working things out. Now, with every ounce of my heart I want to believe that this has maybe just a tiny bit to do with her feelings for me. However, logic also dictates quite a bit of my thinking, and it really doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out a simple equation... g = her girlfriend, and w = my wife, and m = me. Well, it could be that w-g = m.... ya know? With the absence of the other woman, could I be the "rebound" and thats it? Or, could there have been something there all along, and now that Im showing that I have the capability to give her the emotional support shes needed so much, that little bit of love for me thats still in there has a chance of coming back in full? Or... am I hoping for too much?

 

Am I setting myself up for a fall? I mean, i told her that i have no more tears to cry. That Im pretty much all dried up, but yet even though thats where she took me throughout this ordeal, I still want her back. I still want to fix things and make things right again. Is that insane?

 

Anyway, she has told me that she wants to work things out as well, however she does not want to get my hopes up. She wants to make absolutely sure that the thing that was blocking me from getting her heart back, was in fact the other girl. She says she wants us to go back to square one and act kinda like we're dating again. Go on dates and all that jazz. To me, this is like a ray of hope in an otherwise cloudy and hopeless day, so I immediately agreed. Folks... I love the woman, I know I do with everything I have inside me, I know I do and I dont want to be without her.

 

I also went so far as to schedule a time next week to see a counselor. I asked my wife if she would go, and she said she would have to think about it. She said that a "marriage" counselor was kind of a bit further into things that she was thinking of because we were supposed to be "dating" again. I kind of understood where she was coming from, but I told her its also a "couples" counselor as well. And, whether we were playing "married" or "dating" we are still a couple. I was told by the counselors scheduler that even if she doesnt go, that I should go alone. I suppose this is a good idea. But I truly hope she decides to go. It would be a huge victory to me in the battle to win her heart back.

 

LoL, although... I dont know what im going to say. I mean, this board alone holds damn near all my thoughts and feelings already anyway. Maybe verbalizing all this stuff would be additional help, huh?

 

As always, thanks for reading and offering up your words of advice and encouragement.

[devastated402]

Exposure works alot of times, but sometimes,even the threat of exposure will do. Keep your eyes open; now they might just take it underground.

 

 

 

Those are all common characteristics of cheaters.

 

 

 

You were her backup. Now, you got the power, don't abuse it, but use it effectively. First, you need to work on yourself; improve yourself as a better person and husband. If you really want to work on your marriage, get into counseling. Make a list of things you want her to change and ask her to do the same.

 

Evaluate whether she's really whom you want to be with for the rest of your life, and make sure you take all things into consideration.

 

Can what happened in the past few months happen again in few more months with someone else assuming they did end their affair?

 

Believe me, Ive thought about all that. Ive considered the possibility of them going way underground and being even more covert and lying again. Ive also considered the fact that once someone lies, they find it easier to tell another and another. My wife has never been that type, but now.... I dont know. Could a sleeping beast have awoken? I hope not. The thought of it happening again is also prevalent.... but.... if one gets hit by a car once, do they stop going outside?

 

But anyway yes, I want to be a better person. And yes I DESPERATELY want our marriage to work out. Especially after all this, I mean... I think if we can overcome this adversity, that we can be the strongest couple ever. That thought alone gives me strength and hope.

 

Sure hope everything works out. I know the road ahead is going to be long and tough, but Im willing to walk it, run it, sprint it.... do cartwheels down it; I dont care. Im willing to do what it takes to hopefully make it.

[LakesideDream]

If I understand your post, your wife has discovered that she is a lesbian, or at least is "lesbian curious" If that is the case there is absolutely nothing you do to save your relationship. You can change all you want, but you will never have a uterus, or a vagina.

 

If I were in your situation I would begin to come to grips with the new situation. You don't really have a choice do you?

[Gunny376]

If I understand your post, your wife has discovered that she is a lesbian, or at least is "lesbian curious" If that is the case there is absolutely nothing you do to save your relationship. You can change all you want, but you will never have a uterus, or a vagina.

 

If I were in your situation I would begin to come to grips with the new situation. You don't really have a choice do you?[/quote]

 

Lakeside?

 

Shame on you!

 

Not all these youngin's have the deju vu of being "Back In Saigon" like you and I?"

 

I wasn't in Saigon ~ but I was there for Beruit.

 

SemperFi ~ Mac!

[velouria]

Hi,

 

First let me say that I am so sorry this has happened to you. reading your post reminded me intensely of how I felt when I found out what my H had been doing. I will offer you my only advice and try to explain it as best I can.

 

Since she is in the grip of bad behavior and poor choices there is only one road for you to take and that is the high road. Personally, I found this nearly impossible and got myself into quite a bit of trouble due to my own bad behavior. Please take my advice: DO NOT DO THIS. It sucks and just makes it looks like she's right to ditch you.

 

Be very polite and civil-- up to the pont of generosity. But do not call her. Don't call her, don't try to "talk" to her about anything, try not to even cry around her. She literally doesn't know what she's doing right now and so much of what she says is not what she means. I'm not saying she's straight or that she's still in love with you but what she has done is act out, like an unruly teenager or anyone else who is wildly self destructive. She'll have to get right with herself before you can even talk to her. just let her walk away. If you want any kind of future chance with her, this is the only thing you can do. "Exposing her" is dreadful advice. My god, can you think of anything more embarassing than being exposed as a gay adulterer??? Unless of course you are the sad unfortunate husband of a closeted lesbian adulterer.

 

If you can try to have some teeny bit of compassion for her. She has really ****ed herself and you and your kids. That will come back to bite her in the ass. The mind is a powerful thing and eventually she will be revisited by the things she's done. My husband hates the girl he stepped out on me with, he hates it that I took his kids and split. He hates himself (oh, and me of course) He landed in the fire, ykwim? I hope things get better for you.

[devastated402]

Hi,

 

First let me say that I am so sorry this has happened to you. reading your post reminded me intensely of how I felt when I found out what my H had been doing. I will offer you my only advice and try to explain it as best I can.

 

Since she is in the grip of bad behavior and poor choices there is only one road for you to take and that is the high road. Personally, I found this nearly impossible and got myself into quite a bit of trouble due to my own bad behavior. Please take my advice: DO NOT DO THIS. It sucks and just makes it looks like she's right to ditch you.

 

Be very polite and civil-- up to the pont of generosity. But do not call her. Don't call her, don't try to "talk" to her about anything, try not to even cry around her. She literally doesn't know what she's doing right now and so much of what she says is not what she means. I'm not saying she's straight or that she's still in love with you but what she has done is act out, like an unruly teenager or anyone else who is wildly self destructive. She'll have to get right with herself before you can even talk to her. just let her walk away. If you want any kind of future chance with her, this is the only thing you can do. "Exposing her" is dreadful advice. My god, can you think of anything more embarassing than being exposed as a gay adulterer??? Unless of course you are the sad unfortunate husband of a closeted lesbian adulterer.

 

If you can try to have some teeny bit of compassion for her. She has really ****ed herself and you and your kids. That will come back to bite her in the ass. The mind is a powerful thing and eventually she will be revisited by the things she's done. My husband hates the girl he stepped out on me with, he hates it that I took his kids and split. He hates himself (oh, and me of course) He landed in the fire, ykwim? I hope things get better for you.

 

I hear what you're saying, and no, I dont plan on exposing her. Especially now, as it appears there is nothing to expose. No matter how hurt I am, I think the only thing exposure would do is be more of a hurtful tactic just to be vindictive. And I dont want to be THAT guy.

 

No, I think Im going to continue down the path I've chosen. We are going to work at it and see if the love can come back in her for me. If, after giving it time, nothing comes back. Well, then I can say I fought the good fight and did everything I could to win her back. Could it be virtually like twisting the knife in an open wound? Yeah, i guess it could be seen that way. But for me, Im optimistic and I think it will do more good than harm. However, I am prepared for a let down.

 

After reading a few other posts, i also think im going to push the counseling thing a bit more after a couple more days. She doesnt know it yet, but the appointment is already booked anyway. So, whether she goes or not, Im still planning on going. Worse comes to worse, it could help me realize that walking away is inevitable and it could prepare me to do so.

 

Above all else I hope that is not the case though. I just want us to be us again.... (if anyone wants a real tear jerker of a song to listen too, check out Lonestars "Lets be us again" I guarantee it will hit home for about 80% of the people in this forum, especially me). Call me a sucker, but I just dont want to let go.

[velouria]

hi dev,

 

One thing my therapist said was that you can strongly suggest marriage counseling or medication or what have you but you can't force someone to do something. Another particularly annoying thing she said was that your partner has to want to change but they have to feel like they don't have to in order for you to love them. You have to relinquish control or selfishness. Since you have a child you're lucky in that you know the true meaning of selflessness. The ego dies a hard death though. Mine never really did completely croak. I had this little witch in my soul screaming "What about MEEEeeeeeee? **** him, die die die!!!" So you see, I'm talking from experience and this is also why it didn't work for us. Well partly. the other reason was that the bastard seems to be addicted to coworker pu**y.

 

Amongst many many others.

 

Good luck and please let us know how things are going for you.

[devastated402]

hi dev,

 

One thing my therapist said was that you can strongly suggest marriage counseling or medication or what have you but you can't force someone to do something. Another particularly annoying thing she said was that your partner has to want to change but they have to feel like they don't have to in order for you to love them. You have to relinquish control or selfishness. Since you have a child you're lucky in that you know the true meaning of selflessness. The ego dies a hard death though. Mine never really did completely croak. I had this little witch in my soul screaming "What about MEEEeeeeeee? **** him, die die die!!!" So you see, I'm talking from experience and this is also why it didn't work for us. Well partly. the other reason was that the bastard seems to be addicted to coworker pu**y.

 

Amongst many many others.

 

Good luck and please let us know how things are going for you.

 

Yeah i know. You also cant force someone to want to be with you either. Ive heard this as well. Once its gone, its gone..... and all that. But then I hear other stuff that gives me hope, and I want to just hold onto that stuff and not worry about the potential for failure.

 

Today has been really hard. Shes so sullen, so sad, and im trying so hard to be positive. We went to the movies together last night, trying the date thing. And it was nice, but it was very alien. I wanted it to be warm and happy, but she was sullen and kind of withdrawn. She opened up a few times with a few smiles and hugs. But, that was about it. She says shes still heart broken over breaking it off with the other one. Every time I hear stuff like that it hurts so much.

 

She was changing today and I happened to walk in and she hid herself from me. Covered herself up....... that hurt even more. I know its only been a few days for her, but each day feels like an eternity to me. I know I am just hurting myself getting my hopes up, but I... I dunno. I hate this stuff, and I cant help but think if I would have changed back when she wanted me too, maybe we wouldnt be here. I feel like this is all my fault.

 

Ive reduced myself to reading a dr. phil book that she wanted me to read about a year ago. Relationship Rescue. .... of course i didnt it read it back then. But, after reading just a few things, I sure wished I had. So much in there describes me to a T, but there is also stuff in there that says that if she wanted me to be a part of the fix, that she should not give up. So now, here we are, roles reversed and I am trying so hard not to give up.

 

I cant help but think, if I were to give up today, completely just shut down and shut off, would it make this easier? I know someone who went through something similar 5 years ago, and she says that her and her ex tried for 6 months. But nothing came out of it. It still ended, and she said shes doing great and came out fine from it.

 

I would rather not have that story though. I want the story that says, it was rough at first, but we came out on top and we're now a stronger unit because of it. But right now is so hard. I feel alone, companion-wise..... But, could this be what I did to her? Could this be what drove her to looking elsewhere? If so, i dont want to continue the circle. I want to stop it here and fix it.

 

this really sucks...... im really really looking forward to talking to the counselor though... hopefully my wife will be with me.